exah charged with aggravated stalking...feel like i jumped off a cliff....
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
exah charged with aggravated stalking...feel like i jumped off a cliff....
I tried to deal with my exah's stalking on my own for almost a year. I tried to be really brave and tough and wanted to believe that if I remained consistent with him that I did not want to see him and he was not welcome at my home, he would eventually get the message and go away.
Instead of getting the message, his behavior became more and more erratic. He was psychotic on several occassions...talking to me about how he can talk to dead people and see the future.
I went from being angry and annoyed with him to being scared of him. So I went and got a PPO (personal protection order) on Halloween last year.
Hours after I got the PPO, he was arrested about 3 hours north of me for breaking into an unmanned firestation, stealing a first resonse vehicle with a trailer and rescue boat attached to the back, and driving it through the bay doors on his way out. A 14 hour manhunt ensued with 3 different police agencies calling me to check on my welfare and asking all kinds of questions about whetehr he was armed. I didn't know what to say. I honetly donn't know who this an was anymore.
My exah has contined to try and contact me via letters and phone calls from jail. I've been suffering from anxiety attacks for the last six months or so...I've been trying to act all tough and pulled together but in reality, it sometimes felt like I was losing my mind.
I broke down and filed a police report about the unwanted contact last week. I didn't do it earlier because I work with the police agency involved. They are my client. I didn't want my personal life to spill over into my professional life. I didn't want to make things worse for him as I figured he was in enough trouble already. I didn't want to press charges against my son's dad. I was embarassed to admit that this man is my ex.
It was a process but eventually all my reasons for not pressing charges were gradually outweighed by my realization that I can't live like this anymore. I had to swallow my pride and ask for help and press charges.
The prosecutor's office authorized a warrant for aggravated stalking yesterday.
And my thoughts and emotions are all over the place.
I didn't want this to happen.
I dread having to go to court to testify...the idea of having to see him makes me sad and scared all at the same time.
I want to just wave a magic wand and make it all go away.
In my head, I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm not doing this to hurt him but to protect myself and our son. I know all this in my head but my heart just feels so vulnerable, so fragile, so exposed and so raw.
Instead of getting the message, his behavior became more and more erratic. He was psychotic on several occassions...talking to me about how he can talk to dead people and see the future.
I went from being angry and annoyed with him to being scared of him. So I went and got a PPO (personal protection order) on Halloween last year.
Hours after I got the PPO, he was arrested about 3 hours north of me for breaking into an unmanned firestation, stealing a first resonse vehicle with a trailer and rescue boat attached to the back, and driving it through the bay doors on his way out. A 14 hour manhunt ensued with 3 different police agencies calling me to check on my welfare and asking all kinds of questions about whetehr he was armed. I didn't know what to say. I honetly donn't know who this an was anymore.
My exah has contined to try and contact me via letters and phone calls from jail. I've been suffering from anxiety attacks for the last six months or so...I've been trying to act all tough and pulled together but in reality, it sometimes felt like I was losing my mind.
I broke down and filed a police report about the unwanted contact last week. I didn't do it earlier because I work with the police agency involved. They are my client. I didn't want my personal life to spill over into my professional life. I didn't want to make things worse for him as I figured he was in enough trouble already. I didn't want to press charges against my son's dad. I was embarassed to admit that this man is my ex.
It was a process but eventually all my reasons for not pressing charges were gradually outweighed by my realization that I can't live like this anymore. I had to swallow my pride and ask for help and press charges.
The prosecutor's office authorized a warrant for aggravated stalking yesterday.
And my thoughts and emotions are all over the place.
I didn't want this to happen.
I dread having to go to court to testify...the idea of having to see him makes me sad and scared all at the same time.
I want to just wave a magic wand and make it all go away.
In my head, I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm not doing this to hurt him but to protect myself and our son. I know all this in my head but my heart just feels so vulnerable, so fragile, so exposed and so raw.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
((((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry. The right thing to do is often the most hard, but I am glad to know that you are taking care of yourself and your son above all else. I know how scary and difficult it is, but you and your son will be okay. 
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((hugs)))
You are a good mom! You are also a good caretaker of YOU.
The reason going No Contact worked in my favor is because it allowed me to have my own thoughts without experiencing the emotional disturbances that contact brings.
Your PPO was to provide yourself and your son with safety through distance and to end the emotional disturbance brought on by communication with the A.
You were not getting the respect you deserved, needed and asked for by his constant calls and letters. His behavior was unacceptable, disrespectful, abusive, as well as illegal.
I hope you will accept that the actions you have taken were to protect yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually from further abuse. You were taking back your power. You are giving yourself the space you need to heal.
Good on you!
You are a good mom! You are also a good caretaker of YOU.
The reason going No Contact worked in my favor is because it allowed me to have my own thoughts without experiencing the emotional disturbances that contact brings.
Your PPO was to provide yourself and your son with safety through distance and to end the emotional disturbance brought on by communication with the A.
You were not getting the respect you deserved, needed and asked for by his constant calls and letters. His behavior was unacceptable, disrespectful, abusive, as well as illegal.
I hope you will accept that the actions you have taken were to protect yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually from further abuse. You were taking back your power. You are giving yourself the space you need to heal.
Good on you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I went and got the PPO as soon as I realized he was becoming psychotic.
I went several months without hearing from him after he was first arrested. I had a block on my phone. What I didnt realize was that the block expired automatically after 90 days. When he attempted collect calls began coming thru again last week, I filed the report immediately. I have since found out that he was trying to call me every day this whole time.
He is sick. I know he's sick. And I have done everything I can to stop this insanity.
I just want to move on. I don't want to go thru life looking over my shoulder.
I know I've done the right thing. But I still feel beat up...worn out.
When they say alcoholism is a progressive disease, they need only look at my exah. This disease takes them to unimagined lows. And if we aren't careful and we don't seek help, it will take us down with it.
I went several months without hearing from him after he was first arrested. I had a block on my phone. What I didnt realize was that the block expired automatically after 90 days. When he attempted collect calls began coming thru again last week, I filed the report immediately. I have since found out that he was trying to call me every day this whole time.
He is sick. I know he's sick. And I have done everything I can to stop this insanity.
I just want to move on. I don't want to go thru life looking over my shoulder.
I know I've done the right thing. But I still feel beat up...worn out.
When they say alcoholism is a progressive disease, they need only look at my exah. This disease takes them to unimagined lows. And if we aren't careful and we don't seek help, it will take us down with it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by hydrogirl 
((((outonalimb)))) I'm so sorry that you have been so scared. I'm grateful to you for sharing your story. You may very well have saved someone else's life 
I am having the beginnings of a potentially volatile situation with a young man stalking my 19 yr old and reading how you handled your situation gives me great comfort. We had a long talk last night about not taking this kind of behavior lightly - that she needs to protect herself and not think just because he's a teenager means he's harmless, just annoying. Anyone who behaves erratically has the potential to be dangerous.
Thank you for continuing to share with you. I can only imagine how you must feel today. Keep your chin up!
Hugs,
~T
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
(((((Outonalimb))))))
I'm so sorry you have to continue this effort. I wish I had a magic wand to wave for you. You are doing all of the right things for you and your child. You are doing all you can. I am at a loss for words that I feel would ease your worry. I admire your strength and have been bolstered and inspired by how you have handled things these past months.
Sending lots and lots of support,
Hang in there - I'm rooting for you.
Hugs,
MamaKit
I'm so sorry you have to continue this effort. I wish I had a magic wand to wave for you. You are doing all of the right things for you and your child. You are doing all you can. I am at a loss for words that I feel would ease your worry. I admire your strength and have been bolstered and inspired by how you have handled things these past months.
Sending lots and lots of support,
Hang in there - I'm rooting for you.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Hi O o A L,
Boy , I totally relate to trying to tough things out. I see myself as pretty frickin strong and bringing in law enforcement seems awfully melodramatic. But handling things on our own can be wearying. We need our energy for moving forward, not looking behind our backs.
I am glad you got the PPO! After months of dragging my heels I just got the eqivalent of a restraining order here. I feel much better, so it must have been the right thing to do.
Plus, STBXAH is acting more calmly and isn't complaining or threatening so much. Maybe your A, too, wants the limits set. My A seems to want me to act the school marm and responds to limits as though he is relieved by them.
It is traumatizing for us when they change so. My AH got pretty psycho that one time last fall and that terrified me. And I don't scare so easily. They get us used to so much difficulty. But someone you love(d) becoming psycho...it's too much.
I hope things go more smoothly for you now. Don't try to shoulder any more burden than necessary, please! We need/deserve our lives to be good and safe and fun!!!
(((Hugs))) be kind and loving to you. You deserve it!!!
Boy , I totally relate to trying to tough things out. I see myself as pretty frickin strong and bringing in law enforcement seems awfully melodramatic. But handling things on our own can be wearying. We need our energy for moving forward, not looking behind our backs.
I am glad you got the PPO! After months of dragging my heels I just got the eqivalent of a restraining order here. I feel much better, so it must have been the right thing to do.
Plus, STBXAH is acting more calmly and isn't complaining or threatening so much. Maybe your A, too, wants the limits set. My A seems to want me to act the school marm and responds to limits as though he is relieved by them.
It is traumatizing for us when they change so. My AH got pretty psycho that one time last fall and that terrified me. And I don't scare so easily. They get us used to so much difficulty. But someone you love(d) becoming psycho...it's too much.
I hope things go more smoothly for you now. Don't try to shoulder any more burden than necessary, please! We need/deserve our lives to be good and safe and fun!!!
(((Hugs))) be kind and loving to you. You deserve it!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hugs, Mary,
You went through the same feelings before you reported the phone call, remember? And then you felt pretty strong when you made the call, and now you are second-guessing yourself.
Guess what, your decision to call is STILL the right one. And there is a reason the State makes the decisions on the charges--so you don't have to go through the angst of deciding what to do. His behavior is erratic and dangerous. Let the prosecutors do their job.
And I woud bet there is a good chance you will never have to go to court. He's got those other charges already hanging over him. In all probability, the charges will ALL (including the stalking charge) get rolled into a plea agreement. Almost all cases result in a plea, and if he's pleading to one, his lawyer will want to include everything together.
You made the call to protect yourself. You aren't out to exact revenge or anything.
Why not avail yourself of the victim advocate services to get a referral to a counselor you could talk to?
You went through the same feelings before you reported the phone call, remember? And then you felt pretty strong when you made the call, and now you are second-guessing yourself.
Guess what, your decision to call is STILL the right one. And there is a reason the State makes the decisions on the charges--so you don't have to go through the angst of deciding what to do. His behavior is erratic and dangerous. Let the prosecutors do their job.
And I woud bet there is a good chance you will never have to go to court. He's got those other charges already hanging over him. In all probability, the charges will ALL (including the stalking charge) get rolled into a plea agreement. Almost all cases result in a plea, and if he's pleading to one, his lawyer will want to include everything together.
You made the call to protect yourself. You aren't out to exact revenge or anything.
Why not avail yourself of the victim advocate services to get a referral to a counselor you could talk to?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, outonalimb--as LexieCat suggested, if your court system has any victim advocate services, by all means, talk to them. I had to use their services once, and they were of immeasurable support when I had to appear in court!
ouonalimb, YOU HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING. Good for you. Don't allow yourself to second guess. Above all, don't take on guilt. Guilt is not your friend, right now.
You have shown that you are capable of great courage!
Last week, I heard someone say: "We don't know the extent of our courage until courage is the only option". That made a great impression on me---and I think this applies to you right now. Trust yourself--you have great courage.
very sincerely, dandylion
ouonalimb, YOU HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING. Good for you. Don't allow yourself to second guess. Above all, don't take on guilt. Guilt is not your friend, right now.
You have shown that you are capable of great courage!
Last week, I heard someone say: "We don't know the extent of our courage until courage is the only option". That made a great impression on me---and I think this applies to you right now. Trust yourself--you have great courage.
very sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello Outonalimb,
This is so right. My ex did not act out like your ex did, but he did hit some lows, and he did stupid, stupid things too. He acted like he was coated with teflon. Just crazy.
I hope you consider Lexie's advice about seeing a counselor? You have really been through it with this man, I pray for the end to come for you, and you live in peace.
Thinking of you and sending you strength,
Beth
When they say alcoholism is a progressive disease, they need only look at my exah. This disease takes them to unimagined lows. And if we aren't careful and we don't seek help, it will take us down with it.
I hope you consider Lexie's advice about seeing a counselor? You have really been through it with this man, I pray for the end to come for you, and you live in peace.
Thinking of you and sending you strength,
Beth
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"When they say alcoholism is a progressive disease, they need only look at my exah. This disease takes them to unimagined lows. And if we aren't careful and we don't seek help, it will take us down with it."
You are so right, I wish that everyone who reads this forum will take your words to heart.
Sending support your way.
You are so right, I wish that everyone who reads this forum will take your words to heart.
Sending support your way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
While you didn't want to - you had to for your protection and you know what - it might be what needed to happen in order for your ex to get the psychological (probably court ordered) help he desperately needs.
(((hugs))) to you.
(((hugs))) to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
A big, heartfelt thanks to all of you for your support.
I'm doing better today. I think I just needed a day to process all of it. Once I reached out for help, everything just happened so quickly. It's such an phenomenon that victims blame themself for things that happen to them. I handled this situation the best way I could. With the benefit of hindsight, there are things I would have done differently but what's the point in dwelling on what I might have done had I known how truly sick he is/was and where it all was heading?
If there's a lesson to be learned from all of this, it's that we ought to listen to our gut. If a situation seems 'off' and your alarm bells are going off, don't ignore it. And don't be afraid to reach out for help!!!
Hugs and thanks....
I'm doing better today. I think I just needed a day to process all of it. Once I reached out for help, everything just happened so quickly. It's such an phenomenon that victims blame themself for things that happen to them. I handled this situation the best way I could. With the benefit of hindsight, there are things I would have done differently but what's the point in dwelling on what I might have done had I known how truly sick he is/was and where it all was heading?
If there's a lesson to be learned from all of this, it's that we ought to listen to our gut. If a situation seems 'off' and your alarm bells are going off, don't ignore it. And don't be afraid to reach out for help!!!
Hugs and thanks....
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