Twenty one days ago....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 23
Twenty one days ago....
It's Friday night in Australia and this time 21 days ago, I was just about to black out after 4 red wines.. What happened after that, I don't know but waking up the next morning with the horror, shame, mortification and evidence of another completely unremembered one night stand led me to ring an alcohol counsellor for help. The anxiety lasted for days... I looked back and realised this had been happening once a month for the last six months. It had happened less often before (maybe every 2-3 months) but I started blacking out 2 years ago. I'm so annoyed about being 'abnormal'. I wish to God that it hadn't turned out this way. So, I worked out a plan with the counsellor and I stopped drinking 20 days ago. Taking it one day at a time and telling everyone I 'gave up for Lent'. She suggested taking an extended period of time to see how I go (we'll review in 3 months). I feel so much better. I sleep better, have far less anxiety, go to the gym more often (which is good because I crave lots of sugar..). And yet, in the back of my head is the fear of never being able to drink again coupled with the ongoing shame of things of done when drunk and/or blacked out. I still don't understand how I drank responsibly during the week, had the recommended 2 alcohol free days a week and yet blacked out one night a month? And why it started becoming more frequent... And why I didn't recognised the switch. And how I will tell people I'm not drinking again... So many whys, hows and buts......
I'm so happy to have found this site. I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to read your stories and find some comfort in knowing I'm not the only one.
Thank you...
Em
I'm so happy to have found this site. I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to read your stories and find some comfort in knowing I'm not the only one.
Thank you...
Em
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi Em and welcome to SR X
I know it's easy in the beginning to get overwhelmed with all those 'why me' 'what if' ' and 'is this forever' questions.
I say put them all to one side for now. Everything just gets clearer the more sober time you have. Regret and shame can be big triggers, and there isn't one of us here who haven't felt those emotions.
Well done on your sober time. Take it slowly, look after your body, be kind to yourself.
You are doing great x
I know it's easy in the beginning to get overwhelmed with all those 'why me' 'what if' ' and 'is this forever' questions.
I say put them all to one side for now. Everything just gets clearer the more sober time you have. Regret and shame can be big triggers, and there isn't one of us here who haven't felt those emotions.
Well done on your sober time. Take it slowly, look after your body, be kind to yourself.
You are doing great x
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Welcome Em
The shame does pass in time. I try not to think what I'm missing by not drinking but concentrate on the positive things occurring precisely because I don't drink. The problems with drinking are progressive so it just gets worse and worse until we stop
congrats on 3 weeks
The shame does pass in time. I try not to think what I'm missing by not drinking but concentrate on the positive things occurring precisely because I don't drink. The problems with drinking are progressive so it just gets worse and worse until we stop
congrats on 3 weeks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 23
Thank you all so much for your quick replies. Friday nights are the worst for me at the moment as am avoiding the pub. Although I'm really glad I feel good and know I won't be getting drunk tonight, I am a bit lonely. There's something both great and sad about eating icecream and staying in watching movies by myself on the weekends....
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
I know Australia is huge and you might be in off the beaten track's ville , there must be other things to do ? why not try something new every week for a year and write a book about it 
I found the longer i was sober the less i worried about drinking or what drinkers think of me (knowing their perception to be clouded) . Coming up to 18 months sober for me and i've never been so relaxed and enjoying life in a gentle way .
Bestwishes, M
I found the longer i was sober the less i worried about drinking or what drinkers think of me (knowing their perception to be clouded) . Coming up to 18 months sober for me and i've never been so relaxed and enjoying life in a gentle way .
Bestwishes, M
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 81
Hi Soberemmie Your story really resonates with mine, it's SO similar. I used to have one night stands so often that I started forgetting how many people I had been with. I also felt those feelings of guilt and shame. As I got sober and grew stronger, those feelings went away because:
a) I wasn't repeating this pattern anymore and
b) I began to accept that wasn't the real me acting that way, but rather a sick version of me who was taken over by alcohol and past experiences that hadn't been dealt with.
You say you fear never drinking again as well as the shame that accompanied your drinking habits. I can honestly say that both of those went away with time (a lot of self-work), and new strengths replaced those anxieties.
It's such a tough process but if you can stay strong, eventually all those questions will be answered and you won't be asking how to tell people you don't drink; they'll just know and accept that you don't. Good luck with everything.
Jil
Your story really resonates with mine, it's SO similar. I used to have one night stands so often that I started forgetting how many people I had been with. I also felt those feelings of guilt and shame. As I got sober and grew stronger, those feelings went away because:a) I wasn't repeating this pattern anymore and
b) I began to accept that wasn't the real me acting that way, but rather a sick version of me who was taken over by alcohol and past experiences that hadn't been dealt with.
You say you fear never drinking again as well as the shame that accompanied your drinking habits. I can honestly say that both of those went away with time (a lot of self-work), and new strengths replaced those anxieties.
It's such a tough process but if you can stay strong, eventually all those questions will be answered and you won't be asking how to tell people you don't drink; they'll just know and accept that you don't. Good luck with everything.
Jil
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