Grandparent enabling- do I interfere?
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Grandparent enabling- do I interfere?
RAS got a DUI 20 months ago. His restriction to drive would have been lifted months ago, but he did not finish paying off his fines to the DMV yet. He could have when he was working, but didn't. His choice. Now he's out of work and really trying to get a job and he's finding many of the jobs he applies for require a valid driver's license. He still owes $500 and, of course, his Dad and I aren't helping. He'll just have to figure it out and I have no doubt he will in time. Enter Grandmother to the rescue. She just told me that she spoke with RAS, and she sent a check a couple of days ago that we should get today or tomorrow. However, knowing I may not approve, she told DS she was sending it to me and it was up to me. ( I should add I know he did not ask her for it and even tried to tell her no, but she insisted. Interestingly, though, he has not mentioned it to me.)
I'm angry that she did it- but, she's not going to get "enabling" and money is always her way of helping solve problems.
My question is should I let my RAS and her deal with it, or, should I get involved since the check is technically coming to me and remind him he needs to get out of the mess he made on his own and tear up the check. My other thought is I could suggest taking it as a LOAN and paying her back. I'm frustrated she did it- but, its done.
Thoughts?
I'm angry that she did it- but, she's not going to get "enabling" and money is always her way of helping solve problems.
My question is should I let my RAS and her deal with it, or, should I get involved since the check is technically coming to me and remind him he needs to get out of the mess he made on his own and tear up the check. My other thought is I could suggest taking it as a LOAN and paying her back. I'm frustrated she did it- but, its done.
Thoughts?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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It sounds as if she is trusting your judgment on this. She is pretty slick, lol, she gets the brownie points with grandson for offering, and making mean ol' mom and dad be the tough guys.
Since she is asking YOU to make the decision, I suggest YOU not do her dirty work for her. I would mail the check back to her, and tell her you don't think it is wise to take him off the hook for the consequences of his actions, that what she does is up to her, but that you are not going to be the one making the decision.
She may not like it, your son may not like it, but it is the only way for you to stay out of it.
My two cents (which you better not give your son!
)
Since she is asking YOU to make the decision, I suggest YOU not do her dirty work for her. I would mail the check back to her, and tell her you don't think it is wise to take him off the hook for the consequences of his actions, that what she does is up to her, but that you are not going to be the one making the decision.
She may not like it, your son may not like it, but it is the only way for you to stay out of it.
My two cents (which you better not give your son!
)
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
It sounds as if she is trusting your judgment on this. She is pretty slick, lol, she gets the brownie points with grandson for offering, and making mean ol' mom and dad be the tough guys.
Since she is asking YOU to make the decision, I suggest YOU not do her dirty work for her. I would mail the check back to her, and tell her you don't think it is wise to take him off the hook for the consequences of his actions, that what she does is up to her, but that you are not going to be the one making the decision.
She may not like it, your son may not like it, but it is the only way for you to stay out of it.
My two cents (which you better not give your son! )
Since she is asking YOU to make the decision, I suggest YOU not do her dirty work for her. I would mail the check back to her, and tell her you don't think it is wise to take him off the hook for the consequences of his actions, that what she does is up to her, but that you are not going to be the one making the decision.
She may not like it, your son may not like it, but it is the only way for you to stay out of it.
My two cents (which you better not give your son!
)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, and one other thought. Assuming (no idea if this will happen) that she gives it to him anyway, either on the sly or defiantly, STAY OUT OF IT. Don't criticize her, don't lecture your son, don't insist that he repay her. It is BETWEEN THEM.
The more you keep hands-off, the better off everyone will be.
The more you keep hands-off, the better off everyone will be.
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Originally Posted by smacked
I'm not being snarky.. but I find it curious/interesting/ironic/totallyappropriate that "enabling" and "interfere" are both used in this title, it's like codependency overload!
:ghug3
:ghug3
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She may not be hopeless.
After I got clean/sober and started my life over, my parents had no one to enable.
My AD started her addictions at 15 and continues to this day at 35. My parents found someone else to enable!
I banged my head on the wall for years over their continuing to enable, and all it did was stress me out and they still did what they did.
Finally, after several thousand dollars my dad put out to a bail bondsman when AD was first arrested on felony drug charges (which he lost it all), $800 for her to get electricity turned on in a crappy trailer she lived in (she didn't pay prior utility bills, just skipped out), and other situations too numerous to mention, my mother said enough is enough.
I have no doubt that my father would still enable if he could, based on conversations I've had with him. However I know he would never go behind Mom's back, so the money train left the station as far as AD is concerned.
As has been previously mentioned, "return to sender", and get out of the middle of it.
Sending you hugs of support!
After I got clean/sober and started my life over, my parents had no one to enable.
My AD started her addictions at 15 and continues to this day at 35. My parents found someone else to enable!
I banged my head on the wall for years over their continuing to enable, and all it did was stress me out and they still did what they did.
Finally, after several thousand dollars my dad put out to a bail bondsman when AD was first arrested on felony drug charges (which he lost it all), $800 for her to get electricity turned on in a crappy trailer she lived in (she didn't pay prior utility bills, just skipped out), and other situations too numerous to mention, my mother said enough is enough.
I have no doubt that my father would still enable if he could, based on conversations I've had with him. However I know he would never go behind Mom's back, so the money train left the station as far as AD is concerned.
As has been previously mentioned, "return to sender", and get out of the middle of it.
Sending you hugs of support!
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Oh boy....a little blood boiling here as I know how hard you have worked to NOT enable your son.
As for me I would throw the check away. Yep, I wouldn't even bother sending it back. I wouldn't tell her unless she asked what you did with it. "I ripped it up and threw it away" I think the message is loud and clear. STOP and DON"T INVOLVE ME.
As for me I would throw the check away. Yep, I wouldn't even bother sending it back. I wouldn't tell her unless she asked what you did with it. "I ripped it up and threw it away" I think the message is loud and clear. STOP and DON"T INVOLVE ME.
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UGH. The check came. Letter addressed to me; check to him.
She "believes it is important for him to have a license in order to work" and "there are times in our life that we all could use a little help". Like his Dad and I have not been "helping" him his entire 22 years of life?
I guess it never dawned on her that if I thought it was a good idea for him to be given $500 dollars to pay off his DMV fines that his Dad and I would have done it.
Trying not to get really angry about this .... because what is the point? Suffice it to say it wouldn't go over well to discuss this with her.
Thanks for all of the input- it helps so much to have people to talk to about these things.
She "believes it is important for him to have a license in order to work" and "there are times in our life that we all could use a little help". Like his Dad and I have not been "helping" him his entire 22 years of life?
I guess it never dawned on her that if I thought it was a good idea for him to be given $500 dollars to pay off his DMV fines that his Dad and I would have done it.
Trying not to get really angry about this .... because what is the point? Suffice it to say it wouldn't go over well to discuss this with her.
Thanks for all of the input- it helps so much to have people to talk to about these things.
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