stucna

I never hated my life so bad! i dont know if i am more angry at my ABF or at myself. I should start from the fact that he broke up with me so i should call him my XABF. but i cant. maybe cos im still in love or cos things are fresh. or cos we are in touch, dayily! he broke up with me and stay for a night, agree to meet me only on his rules which were "do not talk about addiction" and only for coffee, not for a drink. he texted me the next day if i need help with anything. why? i know why, to keep me on a leash and make sure im there for him. after he said to me to leave i asked him for another chance, he said no way! wait, i gave you bilion chances and forgive you constant lying in front of my face through whole relationship, hiding your second life and i am the one who ask you to stay! how low i can get?

and you know what he told me when he broke up with me? that our relationship decompose to much and we cant do anything about it! or you dont want to do anything about your addiction! and ofcourse it will decompose! he has been feeding me with lies and lies on daily basic and i believed in them. is it my fault that i believed and trust somebody that i love? things got so wrong that at some point he didnt wanted to hug me, kiss me. even at the end i told him "i love you" and i heard nothing back so i asked do you love me and he yelled "you are so egoitic, you saying it just to hear it back!" is that bad i want to hear it as well??!!?

i couldnt handle guilt and anger. we work in same building. i took many days off to come down my emotions and then ive decided to simply run away. i dont care if i look like a coward. and i run away as far as i could, to the other end of europe, 3000km to my family. but we were in touch anyway. last week he went for "a dinner" with his mates and i know one of them is active coke user for 8 years! its not even a secret. guess what: hes phone gone off for 3 days after. he texted me after that he left it in a cab on the way back home. what a miracle: london cab driver found lost iphone and drive it back? why he keeps lying? does he think i am an idiot? but wait: why the hell i tried to even call him?!?! then his parents contact me asking me to ask him to pick up their phone. imagine what they have to feel? then i realise he treat them like poo as well.

so i decided to go for no contact. with support of my best friend she said "try for one week, you can do one week, you will see how will you feel". its pretty easy, as theres no connection in my far away hometown. but why instead of reliefe i just feel anger and im constantly crying. i havent seen my parents for almost a year, they started to worry so i said... he is sick. thats it! why i still avoiding the word ADDICT???

i am so sad that i just cant describe it. ive got all this questions in my head: why i havent notice anything? why i have believed the most ridiculous excuses ever, like when he dissapered for whole night... in library?!?!? seriously?!?!?! have he ever loved me? was any of his emotions real or just a manipulative game? why the hell i still miss him and want him back?!!? he ignored me, lied to me, called me idiot so many times, played with my feelings, made me believe in love and now make me doubt in myself. he just throw me away like used toy that he got borred of. i cant even decide which part of our relationship was true if any and which one was fake. and im not bloody teenager, i am almost 30, how come i got so stupidly lost again?!?!

and the main thing: ive read like 5 books about codependency, one about drug addiction and CBT. i joined this forum, read every single post and whole cynical one blog. i have got psychologist helping me. why the hell i still feel like crap?!?! why with my whole knowledge, understanding of situation and his behaviour i still cant handle it!?!?

i dont knwo what to do. i dont want to go back to Lodnon now, my friends started to look for a job for me in my coutry. i dont want to stay here. i just dont know what to do wth myself. if i could afford it i would go for traveling for a year or so, but i cant...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

hello-kitty

Glad you were able to get that out!

Letting go can be hard. Especially when we feel like we are being rejected by someone who we should of rejected a long long time ago.

I don't have the answer for you. But I do know one thing - this too shall pass.

I hope you can find some peace for yourself. Maybe double up on your therapy appointments, find a good friend and talk to them about your sadness, go to the gym and run a marathon on the treadmill, volunteer at an animal shelter, an old folks home or in the children's cancer ward at your local hospital... find a way to get outside of your head and put your energy to good use.

And take it one step at a time. One day at a time. One hour at a time.

There is life after a codependent sick relationship. And next time, if you keep working on you, you'll be able to make a better choice about who you invest your time and emotions on.

dasiydoc

Hi Stucna,

You’ve been so supportive of me, and all your notes have helped me, I hope I can give some of that back to you. Your (ex) boyfriend is not treating you right. That is the absolute bottom line. Sure he has a drug problem, and he has some physiological issues because of it: the depression – but his behavior towards you is still unacceptable & its making you unhappy. Your stuck in a painful limbo waiting to see if he changes and gets help

I agree with your friend, you are across the country from him, leave your memory of him there in London and focus on where you are right now. I bet it is beautiful there, peaceful, and filled with many things that will make you smile. Take a breather, take a break. If/when you decide to go back there, guess what, he will still be there in that doom and gloom. Only go back if you can grab onto some of the sunshine and carry it home with you. Spring is coming. Summer is coming. It’s a time of renewal and rebirth. I think what has happened, your looking through a microscope at this tiny little fragment of life, step away and look at the bigger picture, and I bet you will see that there is more to your life than him, and you have more that you desire in life than just him.

I know what it is like to work with someone. I work with my boyfriend too. Not side by side, but I see him at work, and in fact he is actually further along in the program and would be considered a higher authority than me. But that is work, out of work we are two people, neither is higher or lower than the other. When I see him at work, I know who he really is behind his professional façade. I know the good and the bad. You will get that way with your ex once some of the pain subsides.

Breakups are hard. It doesn’t matter about the addiction stuff. It could have been something else that came between you and it would have hurt just as much. Your going to be learn from this and be stronger. I think things happen for a reason, and sometimes people are meant to be in our lives only for certain lessons, certain amounts of time, to allow us certain joy, or specific pain, or maybe even grant us understanding. Your reading some about Buddhism right, there is a lot of wisdom and peace to be found there. Try reading a little a few times a day and allow yourself to be open to what your mind interprets… peace.

dollydo

Be patient, this grieving process will just take time. Work thru it and be kind to yourself, you deserve so much better, it will come to you!

Keep posting, it will help.

stucna

thank you guys xxx

Freedom1990

Even though my EXAH beat me on a daily basis, was jealous and possessive, called me every disgusting name in the book, I still struggled to let go after I left him. I had all the feelings that you expressed so well.

Grieving takes time. Recovering from codependency takes time. Time does heal all wounds; at least it did in my life.

Sending you lots of gentle hugs of support!

pianogirl1193

I'm having a hard time calling mine my EX too! I wonder if that's normal... probably. We aren't used to saying it.

I am really sorry and shocked (but not really bc he's an addict!) that he broke up with you. You sound like such a great person, and you deserve love and respect. I definitely would agree that you shouldn't talk to him! It does seem like he is just keeping you on a leash...doesn't want to commit but wants you to be there if you need him. Don't go along with that! You don't need that in your life.

Stay busy! That's whay I've been trying to do. Hang out with family and friends as much as you can, read, go shopping, spend time at a bookstore, volunteer, work out, journal (although that probably will make you think about it....it may process things, at least it does for me), etc. I've been doing a lot of puzzles lately..... It is a great distraction, and they are fun! Keep coming here. I am sorry for what you are going through. Know that I am here for you and in a similar situation as you know. We CAN and WILL get through this..and will come out on the other side stronger.

mely86

Hello Stucna,

listen, I know you, u are a really nice girl! I have been through exactly the same hell. My ex did to me the same things yours did. And when he broke up with me I felt like u do. S-A-M-E. We went no contact for 7 mounths, time during which I cried all my tears asking myself why he did this after all the beautiful things i did for him...after all my caring and sweetness...after all my understanding, after trying to talk to him to believe in a God (no wonder this was all useless, he was ruled by the devil). I tried all. And all was useless. He left me tho UNEXPECTEDLY he came back after 7 months! I was happy he came back and believe me after all the nasty things he said to me I would have never thought he would...but HE DID....CRYING...AND BEGGING me to take him back, that he wanted to change...It was such a wonderful revenge to see him begging me. My ego needed it cos I invested too much on him...but at the end I was the one who payed AGAIN cos i went back with him and he never really changed anything...we would only fight for the most silly shallow stupidities (he was nervous all the time and nothing seemed to be right!! HOLY PATIENCE!!!). Ok I cried again, felt used again. He left again.... DON'T DO MY MISTAKE!!! DON'T go back to him and don't spend too much time thinking of him and how it would have been!!! THEY NEVER CHANGE COS THEY DON'T GROW UP, the are immature children inside charming bodies! don't be fooled....we deserve much better and don't listen to your ego when it tells u that you need to get some love from him! U don't need that revenge. The real revenge is that u'll find true love. I took years to understand this and still don't completely trust what i'm saying. But this is rational whereas our hearts go somewhere else. Love is so unlogic! but we can make it. what made u weaker is that u are far away from your loved ones. I was too!!!!!so obviously I took that love as sent from above, tho it was unhealthy!! Addics are like black holes...no matter how much u try to fill them up with light...they take it but u never u know where the light goes. they eat it and u get empty!! LET'S NOT ALLOW THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!