Please Advise me on what to expect and do
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Please Advise me on what to expect and do
For about 4 years I have known that my husband is battling alcoholism. (I knew and finally a counselor confirmed to him and me together). I cannot remember if it was a year or 2 years ago that I told him that he is pushing me away, that no matter how much I love him, he is slowly killing that love with drinking and lying to me. He has not drank in front of me since...but what i have found several times is that he buys the tall ICE (not sure how many, but I think 3 or 4) and drinks before I get home and then tries to act like he hasn't. He will ask me what is wrong and I have learned to not say anything because it doesn't do any good. Monday a week ago (10 days ago) My gut instinct tells me that he had been drinking (slurring speech and crossed eyes) but he of course would deny so I chose to not say anything but he knows that I know. Since then, he has been sugary sweet to me - and almost every day says "you okay" or "we're okay" and will just out of the blue come and hug me and tell me that he loves me.
What I need advice on is...I know the first chance he has, he will relapse (because we are in the "self help" program) it's usually no more than a week - and I am not sure how to handle because I am at the point where I know we are not going to continue this ride any longer...what do I do, do I not go home (he always likes for me to call him when I am on my way home) when my gut tells me he has been drinking, or do I go home and, like always, pretend nothing is wrong and then talk to him the next morning. and get my stuff and leave? I don't feel like I am in danger as long as I don't provoke him under the influence. When I was trying to help him, we would have our talk the next morning or couple of days after his drinking spout. Should I go ahead a pack some work clothes to have in my car? I have been dreading this day for so so long that it makes me literally sick as I type this. I understand you cant tell someone else what to do - but can you please tell me what you would do or what you did do? And pretty much what I can expect. And I don't mind if you shoot me straight and tell me what to do! Thank you in advance!
What I need advice on is...I know the first chance he has, he will relapse (because we are in the "self help" program) it's usually no more than a week - and I am not sure how to handle because I am at the point where I know we are not going to continue this ride any longer...what do I do, do I not go home (he always likes for me to call him when I am on my way home) when my gut tells me he has been drinking, or do I go home and, like always, pretend nothing is wrong and then talk to him the next morning. and get my stuff and leave? I don't feel like I am in danger as long as I don't provoke him under the influence. When I was trying to help him, we would have our talk the next morning or couple of days after his drinking spout. Should I go ahead a pack some work clothes to have in my car? I have been dreading this day for so so long that it makes me literally sick as I type this. I understand you cant tell someone else what to do - but can you please tell me what you would do or what you did do? And pretty much what I can expect. And I don't mind if you shoot me straight and tell me what to do! Thank you in advance!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 124
Do you have a place to go if you need to leave?
I'm not sure there is anything you need to say other than you are done. Talking to an alcoholic, they will just turn it around on you. Don't give him the opportunity to do so. Don't explain yourself, he will not understand, if he did understand, he would have stopped drinking....
Save your breath for calling the attorney
I'm not sure there is anything you need to say other than you are done. Talking to an alcoholic, they will just turn it around on you. Don't give him the opportunity to do so. Don't explain yourself, he will not understand, if he did understand, he would have stopped drinking....
Save your breath for calling the attorney
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
((((HUGS)))) to you unhappyspouse. It seems to me that you are focused on what will happen before it even happens (I know it is a likely scenario with an A but this is how the non-A makes themselves sick by focusing on the A).
What I would do (and this is not what I did do when I was in this situation several years ago) - If/when you come home and you think your AH is/was drinking, leave and go to an alanon meeting or decide to do this if you call him and he is drinking. Tell him you have decided to seek more support than just the self-help route and have an alanon meeting to go to.
After trying this for a while and he is still actively drinking you might suggest he seek some support in AA.
After some more time and whether he takes your suggestion or not you have had some time going to alanon and you may have some of your own answers for your next step.
It is very easy to get sucked into the alcoholics games whether it's - I can be loving and drink, why is it a problem for you or it's your fault that I drink because, blah, blah, blah....
Based on the amount of energy wasted and emotional damage to myself, my AH and my children that I went through before my RAH stopped drinking this is the route I would suggest for someone in your situation.
What I would do (and this is not what I did do when I was in this situation several years ago) - If/when you come home and you think your AH is/was drinking, leave and go to an alanon meeting or decide to do this if you call him and he is drinking. Tell him you have decided to seek more support than just the self-help route and have an alanon meeting to go to.
After trying this for a while and he is still actively drinking you might suggest he seek some support in AA.
After some more time and whether he takes your suggestion or not you have had some time going to alanon and you may have some of your own answers for your next step.
It is very easy to get sucked into the alcoholics games whether it's - I can be loving and drink, why is it a problem for you or it's your fault that I drink because, blah, blah, blah....
Based on the amount of energy wasted and emotional damage to myself, my AH and my children that I went through before my RAH stopped drinking this is the route I would suggest for someone in your situation.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Unhappyspouse, I am so sorry for the situation you are in. There is a thread posted today that you might want to look at, because it is also about someone wanting to leave their alcoholic husband - - " What I couldn't say at Alanon Last Night" by Wavy.
I posted on that thread, and included some links to the Sober Recovery Friend and Family of Substance Abusers index page. In the stickies - the long term threads at the top of the page - there is one about what to do if you're being abused. It includes information about leaving an alcoholic spouse that applies even if you are not being abused and might give you some pointers.
You might also try Alanon meetings in your area; it may take going to up to 5 or 6 to find one you really feel at home in. In the meantime, you'll be meeting people who live near you who have dealt with similar situations and can be a resource for you.
My advice, since your AH is apparently not violent, would be to think a bit about what you want your next steps to be. If you leaving for a short separation, what you'll do to prepare isn't the same as if you are contemplating a long separation or divorce.
My best to you. Keep us updated; we'll be here for you.
ShootingStar1
I posted on that thread, and included some links to the Sober Recovery Friend and Family of Substance Abusers index page. In the stickies - the long term threads at the top of the page - there is one about what to do if you're being abused. It includes information about leaving an alcoholic spouse that applies even if you are not being abused and might give you some pointers.
You might also try Alanon meetings in your area; it may take going to up to 5 or 6 to find one you really feel at home in. In the meantime, you'll be meeting people who live near you who have dealt with similar situations and can be a resource for you.
My advice, since your AH is apparently not violent, would be to think a bit about what you want your next steps to be. If you leaving for a short separation, what you'll do to prepare isn't the same as if you are contemplating a long separation or divorce.
My best to you. Keep us updated; we'll be here for you.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 36
I am by no means an expert and I am struggling with this same issue myself. But here are my thoughts. It sounds to me that you are saying that the next time he drinks/relapses, you would like to separate. (As opposed to saying that the next time he drinks you want to stay away from him/the house until he is not drinking). If the first one is right, then I don't think you need to or should wait until he drinks again to make the big step to leave. Just tell him now that you want to separate and you don't want to be with him until you know for sure he is done drinking (or that you don't know how long you want to be separated but you know you need it, or whatever you are feeling). I would also ask why it would be you who has to leave the house or stay away when HE is drinking, or why you would have to move out if there is a separation? Could you ask for a separation and say HE needs to leave? Or set a rule that if he has been drinking or you even think he has been drinking, he needs to find another place to stay that night?
Those are just my initial thoughts. good luck.
Those are just my initial thoughts. good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
I think the reason I would feel better leaving, even though the bills come out of my paycheck - I would feel more comfortable staying with my sister until things have time to blow over (and I am speculating - but I don't think he is going to be happy with me). The reason I wait is probably 2 reasons - 1. we have an upcoming appt to get taxes done in 3 weeks and 2. Giving him the benefit of the doubt
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Originally Posted by unhappyspouse 
What I need advice on is...I know the first chance he has, he will relapse (because we are in the "self help" program) it's usually no more than a week - and I am not sure how to handle because I am at the point where I know we are not going to continue this ride any longer...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You seem to be under the impression that you "must" respond in a certain way if he has been drinking. The thing is, you don't have to do anything unless it is so upsetting to you that you can't bear to be around it.
You don't have to decide your day, or where you spend the night, based upon whether or not he has had something to drink. If you choose to do that, of course, it's your right to do that--I'm simply pointing out that your leaving if he has had something to drink isn't something that is necessary in terms of avoiding enabling him. Stay or stay away, YOUR choice. It is your home and you have every right to be there whether he is drinking or not.
You don't have to decide your day, or where you spend the night, based upon whether or not he has had something to drink. If you choose to do that, of course, it's your right to do that--I'm simply pointing out that your leaving if he has had something to drink isn't something that is necessary in terms of avoiding enabling him. Stay or stay away, YOUR choice. It is your home and you have every right to be there whether he is drinking or not.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear unhappyspouse, maybe you could post some more to give us readers a more clear
idea of what you want (at this moment in time).
Reading your posts, I get the following impressions (1) you know you are unhappy with the current situation and desperately want it to change---but are very frustrated and confused as to the first steps to take. (2) you sense that there could be some danger or bad conflict should you make any move that implies that he/his drinking is a problem.
Am I correct--or warm??
Please advise.
sincerely, dandylion
idea of what you want (at this moment in time).
Reading your posts, I get the following impressions (1) you know you are unhappy with the current situation and desperately want it to change---but are very frustrated and confused as to the first steps to take. (2) you sense that there could be some danger or bad conflict should you make any move that implies that he/his drinking is a problem.
Am I correct--or warm??
Please advise.
sincerely, dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Yes, you are very warm! I am confused - I don't understand. What I do know is that I am so tired and beat down. I was just reading another post and it made a lot of sense to me as to what I am feeling and that is unsecured happiness right now. (just like so many other times that I cant keep count of, i feel like i am on a roller coaster) He hasn't drank in over a week. We had a great night last night, laughing like we used to, but then I feel guilty because I feel like I give him mixed emotions - no wonder he thinks I am crazy! I wish he would talk to me and come clean - How can he go over a week and not drink....is he craving inside? I read the posts from other forums where they are good to go a day without drinking.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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So he is more of a binge drinker, then? Because that can be alcoholism, too.
There is no one set "way" an alcoholic acts. It varies. But what they all have in common is a progressive disease that can, if not put into "remission" by recovery, lead to daily drinking, then all day long drinking, then liver failure and death. Sometimes not quite in that order.
Are you confused because things seem fine and wonderful until he drinks and Dr. Jekyll turns into My. Hyde?
There is no one set "way" an alcoholic acts. It varies. But what they all have in common is a progressive disease that can, if not put into "remission" by recovery, lead to daily drinking, then all day long drinking, then liver failure and death. Sometimes not quite in that order.
Are you confused because things seem fine and wonderful until he drinks and Dr. Jekyll turns into My. Hyde?
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