Wavy

I've been going to Al-Anon for about 2 months now and I had a meeting last night, but I was just feeling too emotional to share so I just listened, which I always get so much from. But now I feel I'd like to say what I couldn't say last night and I think this is a safe place to say it.

I spent a lot of yesterday reading about domestic abuse, learning what counts and what doesn't, learning all the different things that come under it. I knew in my objective head that I had experienced abuse from my ABF, but this is something I have only really recently realized. Yesterday's reading just made it hit home so much harder and where I thought things had improved because he doesn't hit me anymore, I discovered that what he does it still physically abusive by hitting and kicking other things when he is angry to scare me to show me what happens to things that make him angry. Where I thought the emotional abuse had decreased because he lets me have one or two friends now, him calling me names every day and belittling me is still emotional abuse.

One of my friends who has had quite a lot of relationships said she has never been sworn at or called names by any boyfriend, no matter how badly they got along, I'm lucky if I go a whole day without being called a c*nt, I can't believe I'm only just starting to realize this isn't normal! I thought things were so much better, that the abuse was more or less in the past, but now I see that's not the case, its just changed. I genuinely thought he wouldn't be physical towards me again, but when he found out I was going to Al-Anon he physically prevented me from leaving the house and showed me that I was wrong about that. I tried to leave him that day, but he wormed back in with the same old promises I was stupid enough to believe again.

I am planning to leave in a few months when I'm in a better situation to move out. I've been trying to learn about leaving safely and making a plan. I've still got plenty of time to prepare, I just don't want him to catch my preparations.

I guess realizing the true level of abuse shocked me. Our topic last night was the serenity prayer and I think one of the things I need to accept is the truth of the past and once I know the truth to know that its done and in the past and I can't change what's happened to me. Then to know the things I can change, and thats the future, my future can be so much better than my past has been and its up to me to make that happen.

Thank you for listening, I just needed to get it off my chest since I couldn't last night.

LexieCat

I'd say you are on your way to a real awakening and a chance to reclaim your life for yourself!

I also think you are very wise to plan your exit carefully. Use this time to prepare for a safe way to leave. I would STRONGLY encourage you to contact (safely, from a safe phone/location) your local domestic violence resources to meet with a counselor to do some safety planning. He has been physical with you in the past, he is verbally abusive and menacing in his conduct now, and the most dangerous time is when an abuser gets an inkling that he is losing control of the relationship and that the victim may leave him.

So please, please, be ultra careful and use all the considerable resources that are available today to make your moves wisely and safely.

Hugs, I'm so glad you are planning to get away from this.

catlovermi

PLEASE make sure to password protect your computer and SR account, and to flush your browsing history EVERY time.

Abusers are most dangerous when they feel threatened by change, challenged by the abusee, that they may soon be abandoned, etc.

Their first tool is to isolate you. Once they isolate you, they can punish you into submission by a number of methods.

Do not let him become aware of your support here, or what you have typed. You would very fast see the isolation/punishment action.

Sending support!

CLMI

Wavy

Thanks LexieCat and carlovermi.

I only come on here from my work computer (naughty!) which he doesn't have access to. We have been together 8 years and boy do I understand the isolation he is capable of! I've very gradually tried to stand up to the isolation and have actually made a couple of friends in the last year for the first time since we've been together, despite his wishes. Even having the courage to start counselling and go to Al-Anon were very hard for me to stand up to his resistance, but I WANT MY LIFE BACK! So I'm keeping going.

Thanks so much for the support, when you feel all alone it means so much.

ShootingStar1

On the SoberRecovery Friends and Family of Substance Abusers, there is an excellent sticky (a thread at the top of the page that has long term interest) about abuse.


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

The links in the first message have very specific information about what to do to prepare to leave an abuser, and what to do to leave a violent abuser that you might find helpful.

One question is whether or not you are married and/or have joint property and financial accounts. If you do, now is the time to get a complete copy of all financial documents - account numbers, addresses, balances, on-line access -all of it, plus any legal documents like leases, mortgages, deeds, tax bills, - everything you can think of. You won't want to go back later.

In my situation, my STBXAH took me off every bank account and credit card that we had. He could do so because, even if they were joint accounts, he was listed first on the accounts. I was lucky that I had one credit card and one bank account where I was listed first. I removed him from that credit card, and moved all the money in that bank account to a new account in my name only the same day I left him. That was my fund to get my life re-started.

Get copies of all of the credit card bills, and, when you leave, have them remove you as a secondary user so that you will not be liable for his bills. I'm not a lawyer, so I don't want to seem to be giving legal advice. Having a consultation with an attorney before you leave to find out your legal rights is a very useful step.

If you can open a bank account in your own name now, and have the statements sent to someplace he can't find, that's great. Also, get one or two new credit cards in your name only with as high a credit limit as you can get and send those statements to somplace private.

I got "bankers boxes" to pack stuff up in. They're foldable cardboard boxes that people in business use to store stuff. They are small enough to be able to lift, they stack, and you can fit a lot of them in a car at one time. You can pack some stuff ahead of time and take it to a friend's house to keep. If you use medication, get extra prescriptions so that you don't have to go back to the pharmacy he knows about. Find new ways and new places to do everything that usual that he would expect you to do.

This is something you can accomplish safely and thoroughly if you plan for it. It's the start of a new life!

ShootingStar1

Hanna

I love SR because people can feel safe sharing here things they might not in person. Also because what we write can help others into the future.

I hope that you will consider leaving sooner rather than later. There are options out there including renting a furnished room in a local home for the short term. (I know because I've rented rooms in my own home successfully via Craigslist in the last few years).

Your safety is so important. I was in a relationship similar to what you describe. The first time he just ran at me and scared the living daylights out of me. Later he put his hands on me to throw me down the stairs, but then stopped and claimed he would never do something like that. He was frequently verbally abusive. Until the stairs incident it was very hard for me accept that he was abusive, and that I was the victim of abuse. I knew it wasn't normal but didn't grasp how not normal it was.

I left and it changed my life. The next guy that called me a name got booted out the door very rapidly. Now my lines are very clear to me. Fight fair, debate or discuss respectfully or I'm not sticking around.

Wavy

Thanks for the pointer to the sticky ShootingStar1 I have read most of those links but will go through the few I haven't already.

We aren't married but do have joint accounts and a joint tenancy/household bills. I already have my own bank account and our joint savings are in my name. By the time I leave the joint bank account will be empty and possibly over drawn so I'm not worried about him making off with any of the money. I'm planning to get all my important docs together and keep them at work in a locked cabinate until I leave. I'm still thinking how best to do everything else. Thank you for sharing your experience and advice

I don't really feel I can leave any sooner Hanna for several reasons. I'm coming up to finishing my PhD in the next few months and my funding runs out soon and I'm going to be surviving on savings/overdraught. If I decided to leave now I would have to use that money to move out and I wouldn't be able to finish my PhD and I'm not willing to give up on it at this late stage after so many years. Once I've finished my PhD and (hopefully) get a job thats when I plan to leave because I will be able to support myself and there is a good chance it will be in another country so I will be far away from him. Another reason I can't just leave now and rent a room is my animals, which means its hard to find somewhere to live short term and I wouldn't leave him with them, but I can get pet passorts for them if I move abroad.

If anything there has been a de-escalation of violence. Things are actually a lot better than they used to be, he hasn't hit me for years and the control on my movements is massively decreased. I wouldn't even be able to consider leaving if that wasn't the case. I guess I've finally realized after the Al-Anon finding out incident that however good he's been being the possibility will always be there and thats not something I want to live with anymore. I guess sort of opposite to you Hanna I only realized what had happend before was abuse when he started being less abusive and I could see that things could be better. Also the issue of kids. I want kids so much, but I would never want to subject them to him so I had to make a choice.