Lara

H is not in rehab. As I went ‘no contact’ I have not known about this. Received news from mutual friend. Things have been told to me about H which make me beyond ‘uncomfortable’. I don’t really feel anything at the moment. Almost like waking up from a bad dream. This is a person I have ‘known’ and loved in various capacities for over 15 years. And now I have that gnawing feeling that perhaps I did not know him at all. H is a ‘high profile’ person in a very small community. A bit like ‘King of the island’. For years I heard what I believe were rumours. I always defended him as I believed he was ‘vulnerable’ to ‘small talk’ as people were jealous of his achievements. So I always walked away from ‘island talk’. Never wanting to ‘hear’. I always believed H. And now I am not so sure. Nothing adds up anymore. And based on his behaviour ‘directed’ at me the past 18 months – I now wonder if all of it is true (all the ‘rumours’) The ‘ugly’ stuff. The dirt which falls between the cracks. It is not a comfortable place to be in. I just keep pushing the thoughts away – to the far recesses of my mind – of my thought process – of my soul. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH!!! There – I have said it!! I have admitted my weakness. It should not matter anymore what the truth is concerning H as he is no longer a part of my life and this is a choice I have made for my own sanity. But not that easy to toss away the past years. I blamed so much of his bad behaviour on addiction. Believe this wonderful person was hiding beneath the scars of addiction – just to emerge like a butterfly from the cocoon – one day. But I know for sure the wings of that butterfly crumbled years ago – and perhaps was never there at all. The work ahead for me – is why did I believe it? Why did I want too? What was in it for me? Why did I carry the lie for so long? I am pretty good at reading people – yet I never ‘read’ the person closest to me. Or perhaps I knew exactly what was going on. The lies. The manipulations. Yet chose to stay. That I find more frightening than his addiction.

Lily1918

oh Lara, I am sorry for your pain and loss. I will keep you in my prayers. I find myself clinging to fantasy still. It is so difficult to let go of. I can totally relate to the caterpillar idea. don't forget that YOU are a butterfly, and not just any butterfly either. don't let your wings crumble girl. you got this. you are so strong. Im not sure why you held on to what I call "false hope" or why I did and still catch myself doing...maybe we want to see redemption win? Nobody wants to watch thier loved one drown in addiction. I don't want to know the truth either. I think its funny how cynical one has that signature "nice words aren't always true... true words aren't always nice" it sux. I hate it... but... its true... hugs

ZiggyStardust91

Lara, I can definitely relate to a lot you have said.(you too lily!)
I think in my case, I chose to not imagine what was going on behind closed doors. I chose not to put two and two together. I think it was my subconscious protecting me from pain. Love truly will blind you.

Wish I could write more:/, but work is calling!

Have the best of days,
Ziggy

EnglishGarden

However you work this, Lara, please be compassionate toward yourself. You suffered a tragedy with the untimely death of your brother, and such events make us very vulnerable in so many ways. We are weakened, more susceptible to suggestion, we intuitively feel we cannot bear any more pain or terrible revelations so we defend against anything which might hurt us again and this can include our own logic.

Whatever work you do around the issue of H and his drugs and behaviors, do not hurt yourself with what my counselor calls the "inner persecutor." It can send you into shame which you do not deserve and which can drain the life out of you. You are a good, a beautiful person who has experienced profound loss in her life. If you went off track at anytime, it is because you were wounded, not crazy.

God will reveal to you what you need to know when you are ready to know. Try to trust that.

You are worthy of a happy life and healing.

Sunshine2

Lara, psychology teaches us that we think the majority of people are like ourselves. We find it hard to believe some people are capable of what they ARE capable of. It is not a bad character trait, to trust others and to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I too, looked at my XH later and wonder how it was possible to fall in love with a man like that. Years later I appreciated the gifts he gave me. Thanks to him I became a much stronger person than I thought possible. I learnt so many lessons in how not to be from him.

Do not beat yourself up over this. His actions is not a bad reflection on you and can never be. At least you are not part of it anymore.

allforcnm

Hi Lara,

I think as people we are always changing, evolving, growing… when this happens we see things from different perspectives. Ive read a lot of your posts about H and you. He has been in your life a long time, and in a way you have grown up together. You have been through a lot of tragedy in your family, and all of these things take time to process. There may be many things about H that you did not see, or did not realize the extent of. There are also probably negative things that you are envisioning that are not really so, because right now your in a place of sorting out your feelings and emotions, fact vs fiction. Its too soon right now, but at some point when all this settles I think that you will have good memories of H, and you will be able to accept the place he held in your life, and the gifts he did give you. All of this will be measured against who he is as a whole person, and if your paths are to be forever diverged then you will find peace in knowing you were meant to go your separate ways. I think you will also figure out in time what needs H met in your life and why.

Lara

Dear Englishgarden, Lily, Allforcnm, Ziggy, Sunshine.... all your words have helped me enormously!!!!! Thank you for your wisdom and compassion and support.

Anaya

I agree with EG's meaningful words. I believe it as said, "which can drain the life out of you."

Have a lovely day with your son, and I pray for peace and contentment for you. It sounds like you're holding strong and moving on! Hugs.