mareahh

Why would my ABF tell me he is an "addict" even before we started dating? But then hide it from me when he started using again? He says it's because he didn't know how to tell me and he didn't want to lose me. Help!

allforcnm

I cant tell you for certain, but I do know that there is a lot of guilt, shame, pain that often goes along with a relapse, and it is often hard for the person to come clean to the ones they love if it happens, feelings of being a failure, being rejected.... If they continue using then those feelings just get stronger; Knowing it is wrong, people wont approve, they have to hide it in order to continue using & they want to continue using...sort of a trap.

But in the beginning, maybe he wasnt connected to you in such an emotional way, and if you walked knowing the truth it was ok for him. Once you accepted that he used, then maybe it made him feel like you were 'buying in' so to speak, and he could relax because after all he was honest with you.

mareahh

True! This is a lot to take in. I guess I didn't undedtand it the way I should have when he told me.

blackandblue

My AXBF did the same thing. On our first date, he told me all about his glory days and all about his drug history. I really believe he wanted to be the person he represented himself to be that night. The bigger question is why did I fall for him knowing what I knew and why did I ignore the red flags early on in the relationship? Why was I so attracted to trouble? He clearly had no recovery and I had a lot to learn about addiction. There is no getting out of a relationship like this unscathed. But we can grow. And so can they. But that requires so much work as individuals. Otherwise you can bet that things will never change. And it gets worse and worse without recovery.

And why do they have such a hard time coming clean that they relapsed? Same reason we have a hard time telling each other and our friends and family, that we keep going back and giving the active addict second chances. SHAME. Guilt. Sadness. Loneliness. Despair. Hopelessness. Helplessness. Denial. Delusion. And the list goes on. It takes more courage and humility to admit when we have made a mistake than to hide it. Active addiction is not a disease that inspires courage and humility. It is born of shame and regret. The best thing we can do is let go and detach with love. We don't have to be kind or unkind. Just neutral. That takes a lot of work to get there. And thank God for recovery it is possible. Now I can honestly say I am coming from a place of love. Hope this helps answer your question. Blessings.

dollydo

My ex lied from the offset, he wasn't recovered, he didn't relapse, he really never stopped using. He was a binge user, he could go up to 6 or 8 weeks and not use..then boom...off he went.

mareahh

AnvilheadII

rule # 1 for addicts - protect the addiction at all costs.

mareahh

How do you do that?

dollydo

I am assuming you are asking how addicts protect their addiction. They:


Lie, deflect and manipulate. Active users have it down to a science.

mareahh

Yeah. I understand

coraltint

If he doesn't return to some type of recovery program (assuming he was in one), you are set up for a lot of frustration & being lied to, maybe worse.

Take care of yourself, keep coming back here!

mareahh

He has never been in a program before. He went to a one week detox and that was it 2 years ago. He's in an actual program now in the jail. So this is his first program. He is going to continue (so he says) when he gets out. Well see

Lifewillgetbet

I lied to everyone about my relapse. It is just how addicts work. Its a demon. The best thing my fam did for me is still love and emotionally support me but leave me alone until I personally decided to get treatment, again, and again and again.
Once a month my program has a "family day". It helped them understand how we act and the triggers to know immediately. Another good program is Al-Anon. Thats for family and loved ones to attend. My mother attends and can tell over the phone or even email if I have relapsed. Mostly because addicts never think clearly. Ever.

mareahh

Awh thank you for tellin me that. I've been looking for a program to go to myself (al anon). Can't find one. How long have u been sober? I think now ill be able to pick up on when he's using. Plus he's going to be regularly drug tested

Lifewillgetbet

No problem. Glad it helped. I was sober for 2 years and just over the last month I have been on and off. Mostly just weekends. I am at a point in my addiction were I dont even lie about it anymore. If someone asks me "have you been drinking", I just give in and tell the truth. It just breaks my heart to much to lie to my family/loved ones. Especially my mother, it eats my sole.
I just started another intensive program (3months) that is conducive to my work schedule. Back seeing my addiction psychiatrist/ Psychologist, and back to AA this weekend. Basically everything I can afford and do and have time for.
Al-Anon is everywhere, just like AA. It has and is again really helping my fam.

stucna

tell me more, tell me more!

Lifewillgetbet

What would you like to know more about?

stucna

about 3 months intensive program. is that a private therapist? is that open group is it based on 12 steps? is that CBT? or is that sth else?

Lifewillgetbet

The 3 months is actually more like 6
If you are prepared to pay in my area there is a program that:
First we do 2 months of prep work with Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Therapists in the evenings. They cover every possible form of brain and blood test on you. And yes they check your urine every time. If you fail, you lose all your money and are kicked out.
Then once all that is figured out there is a 4 week mandatory all day in group sessions. (yes you will have to skip work) These are helpful because its the same group of people and you actually build great relationships with them.
At the end of all that you are still expected to meet with your group once a week for 3 months a. Then you are expected to continue with AA forever.
I failed at it, but they except you back for a re-do.
I know there are a lot of programs you pay for out there, they are all different. This one fit me and my family the best.
Hope this helps.

stucna

thats briliant! i love to find new options, theres so many! thank you!