Reed30

I get an email from my ExABF. He sends this email to me a couple of weeks after we ran into each other at work. That meeting was fine, actually not awkward at all, we talked fine, even laughed and caught up a bit. It seemed he was doing OK, but at same time with certain things he said i knew he had a lot of work to do. Felt like he was going through the motions of rehab/meetings because he had to not because he wanted to. I didn't know about his addiction at all when we dated, I found out when he got arrested. I was crushed and The last 6 months have been very difficult of course bc I left the man I loved so much and wanted to marry. some red flags (i think) that i heard in recent encounter 'I'm not as bad as the other addicts' 'i leave the bar early now' 'ill do whatever not to go to jail' and he went and spent time with a friend that he used to get high with and also knew that another drug friend went to rehab (i never met that friend, i wonder why :P)

I responded to this email and I would like to say I am proud of myself for being strong and not falling for it again. He broke up with me before and said pretty much the same things and I went back to him ( i feel now he broke up with me bc of drugs, of course i didn't know at that time during first break up)

This is some of what he told me:
Even after everything that I was doing while we were together, I still knew in my heart that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. I know I made a lot of bad decisions and was very selfish with what I was doing not realizing what damage I was doing not only to me, but to my relationship, friends, family, health, etc.. That part of me is in the past. I am dealing with my problems and working on myself to make sure I never go back to that place I was before. I have a wonderful support network and do not have the desire to do any of the things I did before. I will never put you in harm’s way like I did before and will protect and take care of you like anyone does for someone they truly love. but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy and spend the rest of my life with you. but I am asking you to take a leap of faith and believe that I am not that person I was anymore and that I have moved on and changed for the better. I know I did more damage than I ever could imagine to our relationship and your trust with me, but I am asking you to take a leap of faith and believe that I am not that person I was anymore and that I have moved on and changed for the better. Not just a temporary change, but a permanent one. I will never lie to you again.


some of my response:

You were in a relationship with me for over a year and half and you LIED to me the entire time we were together. You had a full addiction problem with hard core drugs as well. You did things that are unimaginable to me. I have never touched pot in my life and you knew that. Every lie you told and every action you took was your choice. Of course you didn't choose to be addicted to anything, but the difference is that you chose to use the drugs, they didn't choose you.. You and I are not together because of choices YOU made. I will bring up the Social Anxiety, when you told me that, if my reaction was to leave you..i could see how one would get pissed. But I didn't. bc you didn't choose that. But what you did choose to do was lie to your GF the entire time, thinking that she wouldn't find out (bc she's naive/dumb/idk), put her in situations that could have affected her life, career, health etc. Looking back, you were extremely selfish. You cheated on me with drugs and you didn't care what the outcome could be. Thats why drug addiction is so scary. Love will not fix/cure addiction. If it did, there would be no addicts. I know who I fell in love with, but you weren't who I thought you were in the end. Its hard to accept that the person that you loved sooo much and put even before your own family/friends so many times, could hurt you so much and not act the same way back.

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So, I also did tell him that he is taking the right direction with getting better and that I am proud of him, but I am working on becoming stronger and moving forward and that I wish him the best and care about him, but things aren't the same.


VERY HARD TO DO, BUT I DID IT!! I felt like I heard all that before…broken promises. Did I do okay???
I did cry today…just overwhelming.

lightseeker

glad that you are staying strong through it all and keeping him at arms length. If he really means it he will put the years in to prove it. After being lied to for 1 1/2 years I'd be staying away too.

It's hard when you hear from someone that you thought that you cared about - it brings it all back up.

Stay strong....you're doing well.

jennyarizona

Bravo! Staying strong is hard. And the right thing doesn't hardly ever mean the easy thing!

Impurrfect

I like how you put everything back on him and his actions. I will say, as both an RA and a recovering codie with loved ones who were/are addicts, what is said doesn't always change things. On the other hand, makes ME feel better when I can realize their actions don't match their words

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

pianogirl1193

That was very strong of you! you should be proud of yourself. Like others have said, it is the actions that count, not the words. Only time will tell if he is honestly invested in his recovery.

Good for you!!! Keep it up.

Lily1918

whooo hoo from the peanut gallery!!!!! great job sista friend

stucna

Reed30 i sometimes wonder how good are addict with lying and running double life. he was an addict throught whole relationship? you havent notice anything? story of my life as well! Lies, lies, lies. and i believed all of them. i remember the moment when he told me the truth. it took me like couple days to digest it.

I am really pround of you! be taught, i know how hard it is. im in my no contact time now and, if i have to be hones... am loosing my mind

Reed30

Thank you all .

We all know how addicts can be, they know how to melt our hearts. We love them for many reasons but at the end of the day we must love ourselves more. We all deserve to be in a healthy relationship, which includes having trust. He shattered that glass too many times, it can't be fixed now, he knows it and more importantly I know it..no matter how hard it is to accept.

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. "