KCJP1976

I myself am an alcoholic. I have gone about 4 months sober until recently. I have made a one time relapse and am trying to get through to my spouse that I am sorry. I unfortunately am 2000 miles away from them because of work. It got to the point of almost breaking us apart awhile back and I did not start recovering until I put forth the effort to begin recovery. Before I could find the inner strength to try to recover, and finally hit that rock bottom I was in a cycle of she would threaten to leave and I would get more depressed and have a harder time not drinking, until I got another family member involved because I felt alone and needed some support. Through that family member I got to explain to her that I need support and not threats to help aid my recovery (not fix it for me only I can do that)...once I felt loved and felt unthreated that she would leave and take our children away I finally felt like I had the strength to recover and have been on a good strong path. I changed careers to 1) become more financially stable and provide for my family 2) the job I was in previously I was around alcohol alot and it was free of charge and completely accessible.... plus more...needless to say I made alot of changes to better myself and aid my recovery. I recently was in a situation where I am out of town for a period of ten days and had a night where I made a mistake and had a few drinks. I regret this decision and will face whatever consequences I have to face, but she is threatening to leave again because she says "I obviously don't love them and do not care enough about her and the kids". She also tries to tell me how I feel or what I am thinking instead of letting me tell her how I feel and what I am thinking such as If I say I am going to dinner, she will throw in their a smart ass comment such as and get drunk...which unfortunately makes me think about drinking when I wasn't even thinking about it. My questions is this: How can I get across that I am recovering and I regret this small relapse and instead of leaving me, I really want and need her love and support? I want her to ask how am I feeling and doing and not tell me how I feel (which her perception of how I feel is never really how I feel)?

Carlotta

Congratulations for getting back on the saddle.
I am an alcoholic and was also in a relationship with an active alcoholic while in recovery and ended up going to Al Anon.
I'm sorry goes only so far. Actions speak louder than words. Focus on yourself and on your sobriety and whatever happens happens.

lightseeker

It sounds like you have told her and now just need to focus on you and working your recovery program.

Unfortunately, we can not control whether someone stays sober, works a recovery program, or continues to stay with us.

I wish that my ex had focused on himself, demonstrated some good recovery time and a program. I worked to support him for years and finally I reached my breaking point. I finally needed to see if he was going to stay sober without me and my support. I was tired of the hurt and disappointment. I was tired of being supportive. I needed a break.

If my ex had stayed his own course, focused on what he needed to do, QUIT pressuring me to support him we might have had a chance.

I hope that you will focus on whatever you need to do to get back into your recovery. Congratulations on the work that you've done.

peridotbleu

I am the spouse of an alcoholic and I agree with Carlotta that actions will go a lot further than words. I am speaking for myself because I am new at all of this, but that is what I would like to see in my husband - him focusing on himself and getting the help he so needs and deserves! I wish you the best in your recovery. I feel like you are doing the right thing by being here and seeking advice.

EnglishGarden

What happens to the wife of an alcoholic who has a history of being unreliable and unpredictable is she has learned, over time, that happiness cannot be trusted. That even if today is a good day and there is no pain in the home, it will not last. As soon as he's back to the drinking, the dark cloud will again descend on the family. Happiness cannot be trusted.

And while your heart wants recovery and wants a happy marriage with a supportive wife and a home life you can count on never to change in any way, your addiction has more power. This is the piece of your story which is missing in the telling. Your addiction has more power than your love for your wife and your commitment to that new job you hope will bring financial stability and your love for your children. If you read the AA Big Book you will find stories of men and women who are just like you, who wanted to stop drinking and could not stop drinking, no matter how much they wanted it. They drank against their will.

Here is the link: Big Book Online Fourth Edition. You can also get a used copy through the website alibris.com or through Amazon, the title is "Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition."

She is powerless over your addiction. And she knows it. Your problem is that you may not understand completely that you also are powerless over your addiction.

But AA works. So if you haven't read the book, give it a look. You may want to try a meeting.

If I were your wife, I would separate from you for a year while you focus on your recovery. Children should never live with alcoholics. Your children love you. But they need to live separately from your behaviors when intoxicated.

You can find sobriety with the right help. Best of luck. I hope you do.

drc5426

My partner, the mother of my children, is an alcoholic and an addict. She has maybe 5 months of recovery under her belt, about the same as you. Her actions every day so far have shown me that she has decided to embrace recovery. Thing’s have been stable.

Despite this I’m on edge.

I, for a very long time lived with uncertainty every day. This damaged me deeply. I’ve set my boundaries for myself. At the top of that list is the one where my children nor I will live immersed in active addiction or alcoholism.

Today, I would give her the shirt off my back if she asked for it. No questions asked. I have so much pent up compassion and love for her sometimes it’s ridiculous. Now if she were to ask me for the shirt off my back because she spilled a drink on it I’d have to step away. I would go get angry somewhere else… no shirt for her.

Consider your wife’s insecurities. Maybe get back on your regiment and remember that a relapse is not a bender? It sounds like you're there.