ZiggyB

Hi all,
I've been dating this great guy for about a month now, he doesn't drink much and I am so relieved. Like the other day he told me he never drinks cocktails and knows nothing about wine, every so often I see him having a beer.

Anyway I am still finding myself an anxious mess waiting for the other shoe to drop. When will I get yelled at for something stupid? When will I get criticized for something unnecessary? What if he turns out to be a jerk? This is the kind of baggage I am still struggling with months after axbf and I have split and I have to admit I am so neurotic analyzing every last interaction between us in my head. Is this a manifestation of my co-dependency or normal dating anxiety?

Trying to take things slowly but still.... constantly worried about everything & I have no idea what to do.

MsPINKAcres

Maybe remind yourself how healthy you are ~ how grounded you are in your recovery program and that you are very aware of what to look for in an unhealthy relationship ~

More will be revealed and today you have the tools to walk away if something becomes unhealthy for you or if someone doesn't respect your boundaries ~

Remember you have learned to take good care of you and no one can take that away from you ever again ~

pink hugs!

firebolt

Nothing is wrong, unless something is wrong, and you will know if something is wrong.
Til then try to take each day for what it is and sit back, have some fun, enjoy a new relationship (the beginning is the FUN part!!) You got this!!!

LifeRecovery

I read your post and felt anxious too.

My response was while reading it that it sounds like you don't have trust in yourself to get out if any of those things you listed happen to you....because you did not previously.

That it might have less to do with the guy you are dating and more to do with you taking care of yourself.

KittenBoo

I hear you loud and clear. I cannot imagine what I am going to think at times when I begin dating again (I just got out of a hellacious relationship).

The great thing is is that you already know what will happen IF any of those things you mentioned happen and the answer is the same to each thing you mentioned.

Now that you know how you feel about yourself, you can choose to love yourself more than any criticism, any amount of yelling and any amount of less-than-respectful treatment by....walking away IF anything like that happens.

What if he is a jerk? Walk away.
What if you end up loving him and he does all those things? Walk away because if he does those things, he was never worthy of your love and does not truly love you back.

Most importantly, this man is not the other man, the other men or is not anyone else. He is him. That is it. Only time will tell what he is like, so find out and allow yourself to continue having breathing room and insert one good thought daily about relationships.

Allow yourself to have a tiny day dream here and there that involves you being treated like a Goddess or being treated well. Add one each day and soon your visions of how you need to be treated, how you expect to be treated will override any fears. If someone does not treat you in the manner that they should, they don't deserve to be around you to abuse you.

I hope that you have the fulfilling relationship that you want in life, first with yourself, second with someone special, whether or not this man happens to be that.

dandylion

Dear Ziggy, I am not surprised by this---given what you have experienced in the past.

You are very early in a relationship. It takes a long time to get to know anyone that we date. 6 mo. to a year just for the bonding hormones to settle down!

Keep your eyes open--but not paranoid. Do you trust yourself to recognize warning signs if they DO appear? I think that is the crux of what you are feeling.

Take it slow and steady. Remember, you can exit at any time you want to. You are committed to nothing except your own best interest.

sincerely, dandylion

LifeRecovery

Ziggy-

I wanted to add to that I think you can do all of those things because of the growth you have had.

ZiggyB

True, I think one reason I am worried is it took me so long to get out of my last relationship even thought I knew it was bad for me. I can only hope I would approach things differently now.

CentralOhioDad

Ziggy, maybe you're not ready to date yet? Maybe you need more time to get the asshat out of your head some more before moving into another relationship. You admit you are analyzing every move, every interaction - is that fair to him, and to you? What if he has two beers one night, will you toss him to the curb?

Not trying to be mean, just giving you something to think about. Your 'neurotic' thoughts will turn into actions as time goes on, I don't think that's a healthy thing for any relationship, or even a friendship.

Take what you want, and leave the rest.

C-OH Dad

ZiggyB

COD-
you might be right. I was wondering the same thing myself last night but its been almost 8 months since axbf and I broke up and I felt like it was time to move on for my own sanity. Anyway thanks for your input everyone.

Tuffgirl

Ziggy - I wondered the same thing as CODad, when first reading your post. The reason why...I did the same thing last month. Went on a few dates and got a little obsessive and caught myself over-analyzing and fretting. It was a sign to me from me that I am not ready yet. And that's ok. I have other things I'd like to focus on and accomplish, so it was an easy decision to say no dating yet.

I am coming up on 7 months divorced, and can hear those "its time to get back on the horse" thoughts creeping into my head. But that's a good thing! It means I am healing! It means every day I move further away from the train wreck of a marriage I just got out of, and closer to a new life.

I want to go into dating again with a good attitude and enthusiasm, and give men the benefit of the doubt, instead of making them feel like they are guilty until proven innocent. Until then, my motto is "I'd rather be alone than wish I was".

OhBoy

Ziggy, remember you got out of the last bad relationship, if there is one in the future you KNOW you can do it because you've already done it once. Maybe try to put that in your self confidence bucket? You went through that crappy relationship to get where you are. Right now it could be your ready or maybe your not, but your right where you need to be right now. Day at a time, right? If your not ready today, maybe tomorrow is the day. I know when I put a lot of weight on what is happening to me right now I get sucked up in whatever whirlwind is spinning & then my head & heart get all mixed up. Uuuggghhhh! I have to sometimes take a step back & let things happen (within reason of course, I will get out of the way of a bus!!!!!!!).
Hugs
OhBoy

TakingCharge999

Thank you all for this thread, it has helped me

Ziggy, I feel neurotic these days too.

On one hand I know I can make it very well on my own and think I am not ready at all for any close friendship/romance. On the other hand, other people are a reflection of yourself, in my last codie relapse I learned a great deal about myself and where I am at.

Perhaps making 2 lists
/Red flags
/Boundaries
would help.

There was a thread about red flags, I hope I find it and can bump it.

I recently had a bad "romantic" experience, and although it hurts, I got out right away and for much less than I would have "put up with" before. Progress, not perfection....