What do I do with this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
What do I do with this?
I'm mid stream divorcing my AW, my decision after lying, cheating, and a pile of other alcoholic reasons, you get the picture. We have been mostly no contact since November, except through lawyers. For the most part it has been pretty straight forward as we both wanted a divorce. I don't want a divorce from the person I married, just the person she has become.
The weekend she left she got her second aggravated DUI (high BAC) and she later told me about having to spend weekends in jail and all the other fun things that go along with a second aggravated DUI. I feel bad that she is going through all this but I know it could be the best thing to happen to her. I want her to be happy and I'm not the person who can provide her with her happiness. This morning I get a call from my lawyer telling me our court dates have been pushed back because AW is going into rehab! Wow did that come out of left field! I don't even know how to feel about that. I am happy that she is going, I hope she gets well. Of course is the first thing to pop into my mind is "Yay! she's sober we'll live happily ever after!" But I don't think anything will change my decision for a divorce. I don't even know what to think about it, I'm still in shock. I've been trying to figure out my part in it, which isn't much because it is HER recovery after all, but there are a lot of feelings that I need to sort out, like what are the feelings I need to sort out?! Keep the focus on myself I guess and let her HP take care of her. It was just such a surprise!
It could be that this is court ordered and she is going through it because she has to. I'm hoping it was more of a voluntary decision. Maybe I need to mind my own business, after all I'm not really her husband anymore. But I still care a great deal for her. Maybe I need to really keep my head out of it, I mean there's nothing I can do. But I do feel that I want to "help" someone I care about. Maybe it's best if I mind the no contact and take care of my side of the street.
Ooooohhhhhhh they keep you on yer toes don't they?
The weekend she left she got her second aggravated DUI (high BAC) and she later told me about having to spend weekends in jail and all the other fun things that go along with a second aggravated DUI. I feel bad that she is going through all this but I know it could be the best thing to happen to her. I want her to be happy and I'm not the person who can provide her with her happiness. This morning I get a call from my lawyer telling me our court dates have been pushed back because AW is going into rehab! Wow did that come out of left field! I don't even know how to feel about that. I am happy that she is going, I hope she gets well. Of course is the first thing to pop into my mind is "Yay! she's sober we'll live happily ever after!" But I don't think anything will change my decision for a divorce. I don't even know what to think about it, I'm still in shock. I've been trying to figure out my part in it, which isn't much because it is HER recovery after all, but there are a lot of feelings that I need to sort out, like what are the feelings I need to sort out?! Keep the focus on myself I guess and let her HP take care of her. It was just such a surprise!
It could be that this is court ordered and she is going through it because she has to. I'm hoping it was more of a voluntary decision. Maybe I need to mind my own business, after all I'm not really her husband anymore. But I still care a great deal for her. Maybe I need to really keep my head out of it, I mean there's nothing I can do. But I do feel that I want to "help" someone I care about. Maybe it's best if I mind the no contact and take care of my side of the street.
Ooooohhhhhhh they keep you on yer toes don't they?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
ok, STOP. take a breath.
you have heard thru a 3rd (4th) party that she is "going" to rehab. on the heels of her 2nd DUI it's very possible this is part of deferred sentence. rehab is also a handy tactic to get out of dealing with just about anything, up to and including finalizing divorce proceedings.
voluntary or not, this has NOTHING to do with you. no one has ASKED for your HELP, you were only contacted as it related to your pending court dates.
that's it. no rehab in the world can FIX a broken person in a mere 28 days. it's NOT possible. she's a habitual drunk, liar, and cheater. that's how she deals with the world....by NOT dealing. she violated the bonds of trust in your marriage. acted out in pretty despicable ways.
i'm not sure i'd give this the title of RECOVERY just yet. slow your roll. she hasn't even gone yet. and there is no knowing what her true intentions are....and no evidence you even play into the picture anymore. whatever the case, it's HER life.
you have heard thru a 3rd (4th) party that she is "going" to rehab. on the heels of her 2nd DUI it's very possible this is part of deferred sentence. rehab is also a handy tactic to get out of dealing with just about anything, up to and including finalizing divorce proceedings.
voluntary or not, this has NOTHING to do with you. no one has ASKED for your HELP, you were only contacted as it related to your pending court dates.
that's it. no rehab in the world can FIX a broken person in a mere 28 days. it's NOT possible. she's a habitual drunk, liar, and cheater. that's how she deals with the world....by NOT dealing. she violated the bonds of trust in your marriage. acted out in pretty despicable ways.
i'm not sure i'd give this the title of RECOVERY just yet. slow your roll. she hasn't even gone yet. and there is no knowing what her true intentions are....and no evidence you even play into the picture anymore. whatever the case, it's HER life.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Yeah Anvil - my thought exactly!
OhBoy - where is your cynicism? Your disbelief after all the promises broken already - that drives you to decide to divorce instead of stay on this crazy train ride? Go find it - its there, buried deep under your hopes and fantasies for the marriage you wanted to have.
Even if she does rehab and fully embraces a solid recovery program afterwards - recovery is not an easy ride, and could be years, if at all, before you would see the changes you are hoping for, that allow you both to have real intimacy.
Keep moving forward in your current direction. If this is meant to be, one day, it will be again. Until then...stay away from the vortex.
OhBoy - where is your cynicism? Your disbelief after all the promises broken already - that drives you to decide to divorce instead of stay on this crazy train ride? Go find it - its there, buried deep under your hopes and fantasies for the marriage you wanted to have.
Even if she does rehab and fully embraces a solid recovery program afterwards - recovery is not an easy ride, and could be years, if at all, before you would see the changes you are hoping for, that allow you both to have real intimacy.
Keep moving forward in your current direction. If this is meant to be, one day, it will be again. Until then...stay away from the vortex.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
I agree, you need to mind you own business and let her own her path to recovery or whatever path she follows. That is the most caring thing you can do.
I have to remind myself nothing is permanent... even divorce. That way I can proceed with want I thought was a rational, logical decision. If she finds solid recovery, you can remarry 5 years down the road. You have already paid attorney fees, and every time you delay, it's costing you $$$.
I have to remind myself nothing is permanent... even divorce. That way I can proceed with want I thought was a rational, logical decision. If she finds solid recovery, you can remarry 5 years down the road. You have already paid attorney fees, and every time you delay, it's costing you $$$.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I am glad that your STBXAW is possibly going to rehab - whether it is court ordered or voluntary ~ there is always an opportunity that she could hear what she needs to hear for the light of recovery to start in her life ~
Regardless whether it helps the relationship the fact that a person may get sober is an awesome gift to the world.
Now, I would also suggest - maybe return your focus to you? Because if she does go to rehab and does start working a program - New Sobriety is difficult for everyone ~
What I have learned in dealing with the addicts/alcoholics in my life ~ The best way to love, support and help her is to be the best recovery YOU possible ~ so IF your recovery paths are suppose to meet again ~ BOTH of you will be firmly grounded in your programs separately and ready to start on something new together - the old ways won't work any longer ~
Just my e, s, & h ~
adding my thoughts & prayers for the very best for both of you ~
pink hugs
Regardless whether it helps the relationship the fact that a person may get sober is an awesome gift to the world.
Now, I would also suggest - maybe return your focus to you? Because if she does go to rehab and does start working a program - New Sobriety is difficult for everyone ~
What I have learned in dealing with the addicts/alcoholics in my life ~ The best way to love, support and help her is to be the best recovery YOU possible ~ so IF your recovery paths are suppose to meet again ~ BOTH of you will be firmly grounded in your programs separately and ready to start on something new together - the old ways won't work any longer ~
Just my e, s, & h ~
adding my thoughts & prayers for the very best for both of you ~
pink hugs
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think that surge of hope and excitement is pretty normal--it's what we've wanted for our alcoholic loved ones for so long. Time will, indeed, tell if she is on her way to sobriety.
I think it's fine to hope for the best for someone else, just not to get emotionally enmeshed and invested in the outcome. I still say prayers for my second husband's eventual recovery, though even if he were to become a shining beacon of sobriety I am finished with the relationship. Prayers NEVER hurt.
I think it's fine to hope for the best for someone else, just not to get emotionally enmeshed and invested in the outcome. I still say prayers for my second husband's eventual recovery, though even if he were to become a shining beacon of sobriety I am finished with the relationship. Prayers NEVER hurt.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 56
I'm with Anvil... My first thought was, "Don't just do something, stand there." I heard this here once (sorry, don't remember who deserves credit for this).
Take a breath or 5. Get over the shock of the news. Find your centre.
After all that... you'll know what to do.... or not to do.
be well,
Chick
Take a breath or 5. Get over the shock of the news. Find your centre.
After all that... you'll know what to do.... or not to do.
be well,
Chick
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I think that surge of hope and excitement is pretty normal--it's what we've wanted for our alcoholic loved ones for so long. Time will, indeed, tell if she is on her way to sobriety.
I think it's fine to hope for the best for someone else, just not to get emotionally enmeshed and invested in the outcome. I still say prayers for my second husband's eventual recovery, though even if he were to become a shining beacon of sobriety I am finished with the relationship. Prayers NEVER hurt.
I think it's fine to hope for the best for someone else, just not to get emotionally enmeshed and invested in the outcome. I still say prayers for my second husband's eventual recovery, though even if he were to become a shining beacon of sobriety I am finished with the relationship. Prayers NEVER hurt.
OhBoy - where is your cynicism? Your disbelief after all the promises broken already - that drives you to decide to divorce instead of stay on this crazy train ride? Go find it - its there, buried deep under your hopes and fantasies for the marriage you wanted to have.
Welcome back Anvil. You came back just in time for me hear what I needed to.
Thank you all,
Oh Boy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
I had high hopes when my AH went to rehab. I thought my ride on the crazy train was over. It wasn't. I thought the same thing the second time he went. No different. By the third time I was only slightly hopeful. Nothing changed. We've been divorced over three years and he recently got another DUI. I am thankful that I'm not in the middle of it any more. It's much easier to read about it in the paper.
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