Feel Broken and Just Plain Sad...........
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Feel Broken and Just Plain Sad...........
Yesterday I had atty meeting and found that AH set up things with the house to benefit him and the fact that I have been paying the mortgage by myself for years means nothing to the courts really- we were married. I called him to talk about coming up with separation agreement and brought up I should get something out of the house - the only equity we have is money his parents put down - large amount- part of that down payment was his money but proving that -per my attorney - would be costly and I don't have money for that - he planned it I am sure - so I would get no benefit of it. Anyway- of course he got painfully ugly with me- there will be no negotiation - I will just have to walk away to save my sanity and my health - the selfishness and arrogance and the hateful things he says kills me and then in the next sentence he says I love you more than anyone I have ever loved - you are the woman I have had more fun with and the best sex with in my life - I broke down and can't gather myself. I feel hopeless today and can't shake it - I know it does not matter what his family says or him but it affects me - they were my family for 13 years- and my parents have died recently - they told me I saved their son from death and was an angel but of course watched me support our family soley and expected me to and watched him ruin it and they enabled him with money and with comfort and now with support - they have not spoken to me since the split - I try to tell myself I will be ok- but I don't believe it - I live commission check to commission check- have zero savings - nobody to fall back on - and it horrifies me. I guess that could have happened with him here but I always knew his family would not let that happen to him ...........I feel pathetic and if not for my sons don't know if I would be holding it together at all - I can't pursue business as I am crying and look like death . **** it.............. 
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm so sorry. That is just horrible. You can do this. I hope you take this as more reinforcement that you are making the right decision by leaving, that you are so much better than this, and that he is truly sick and is currently not good enough FOR YOU! A fresh start - even if it feels like it's from the bottom all over again, is still a fresh start. Your world, your life will be what YOU make it now - without his negative help. Your friends, your hobbies, and the color of freaking shower curtain that YOU want! 
I hope you find some peace, fun and love from family and friends today and through all of this.
I hope you find some peace, fun and love from family and friends today and through all of this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 16
I'm sorry about your situation. That's awful. But now you clearly see what type of people your husband and his parents are. In the long run you'll be better off with as minimal contact with them as possible. I know right now it doesn't seem that way, but you're doing good in focusing on your sons. You have to find the positive where you can.
I'm feeling for you, Redheadsusie. I really am. Just remember no matter how bad it seems now, you can't predict what the future holds. Things will get better. I'll pray for you.
I'm feeling for you, Redheadsusie. I really am. Just remember no matter how bad it seems now, you can't predict what the future holds. Things will get better. I'll pray for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Oh Redheadsusie, I understand how those terrible moments of panic that you just won't make it can be so powerful and overwhelming.
I am so sorry your punitive squirrelly wretched revengeful vindictive nasty narcissistic vile addict of a husband is behaving this way.
Feel welcome to add any other necessary adjectives that should attached to this defiled jerk.
We are all so here with you, all of us on Sober Recovery, with you, for you for the long haul. I get into a place like that myself, and it is frightening and overwhelming and all consuming. But it doesn't have to last, and it isn't predictive of what you make you reality become.
You will make it through this. You will survive, and after a while, you will thrive. Just think about all the energy and focus and spirit that he sucks from you. You will have all that for yourself, and you will be vibrant again.
In the meantime, after the initial terror passes, and your mind starts working again, I believe that you will be able to figure out how to solve this.
First off, I'd say, get a different attorney. Look for a pit-bull this time. What state do you live in? Many states split assets 50/50, regardless of who paid for what. Have you filed for divorce? In my state, if you file a fault divorce and name the fault grounds, the Judge may grant up to a 60/40 split. Is there a reason you are not entitled to child support?
These are all questions to keep your mind right now to make you realize that this attorney's take on things may just not be accurate, especially since you have the kids to raise. You don't have to answer these questions right now, just keep them in mind as a counter-weight to the terror of being left with nothing.
You are a very intelligent capable woman. If you can sell real estate in this bad market, and you can, you can sell anything. To sell real estate, you have to be able to sell both a tangible and an intangible - the dream of a wonderful lifestyle in that new house. That's not easy selling. If need be, you can pick a different product to sell, one with a better market, and a company that hires you and gives you benefits.
The options are out there. You don't have to decide on them now, just open your mind to the fact that because somebody else wants to screw you, doesn't mean it is going to happen. You will persevere, you will thrive.
ShootingStar1
I am so sorry your punitive squirrelly wretched revengeful vindictive nasty narcissistic vile addict of a husband is behaving this way.
Feel welcome to add any other necessary adjectives that should attached to this defiled jerk.
We are all so here with you, all of us on Sober Recovery, with you, for you for the long haul. I get into a place like that myself, and it is frightening and overwhelming and all consuming. But it doesn't have to last, and it isn't predictive of what you make you reality become.
You will make it through this. You will survive, and after a while, you will thrive. Just think about all the energy and focus and spirit that he sucks from you. You will have all that for yourself, and you will be vibrant again.
In the meantime, after the initial terror passes, and your mind starts working again, I believe that you will be able to figure out how to solve this.
First off, I'd say, get a different attorney. Look for a pit-bull this time. What state do you live in? Many states split assets 50/50, regardless of who paid for what. Have you filed for divorce? In my state, if you file a fault divorce and name the fault grounds, the Judge may grant up to a 60/40 split. Is there a reason you are not entitled to child support?
These are all questions to keep your mind right now to make you realize that this attorney's take on things may just not be accurate, especially since you have the kids to raise. You don't have to answer these questions right now, just keep them in mind as a counter-weight to the terror of being left with nothing.
You are a very intelligent capable woman. If you can sell real estate in this bad market, and you can, you can sell anything. To sell real estate, you have to be able to sell both a tangible and an intangible - the dream of a wonderful lifestyle in that new house. That's not easy selling. If need be, you can pick a different product to sell, one with a better market, and a company that hires you and gives you benefits.
The options are out there. You don't have to decide on them now, just open your mind to the fact that because somebody else wants to screw you, doesn't mean it is going to happen. You will persevere, you will thrive.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Redheadsusie 
- there will be no negotiation - I will just have to walk away to save my sanity and my health -
And for what it is worth - you will rebuild from this, regardless of what choice you make (fight or run away). This is not the end of your world, just the end of the world you thought you had.
People work on commission every day. Hell, I have worked on grant money for years. Every spring I get a little worried, but you know what? I have been ok so far!
Susie, you are so much better than this. Rise above it.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((RHSusie))
My heart goes out to you ~ I'm not sure that this will help - but actually as you get responses from many of our SR friends - these types of things actually happen quite often.
I lost my house & 17 yrs of $$ I had put into a mortgage, had to file bankruptcy & spent lots of $$ in attorney fees to keep my retirement & not have to pay my exah spousal support.
But as many have shared - I survived - it wasn't easy, it wasn't fun - but I made it thru ~ My life is rebuilt, peaceful and thriving ~
And for me, it was worth it ~ just to be able to sleep without my keys, purse & cell phone under my pillow every nite ~ that is a priceless gift that was worth it!
Wishing you peace and healing ~
pink hugs
My heart goes out to you ~ I'm not sure that this will help - but actually as you get responses from many of our SR friends - these types of things actually happen quite often.
I lost my house & 17 yrs of $$ I had put into a mortgage, had to file bankruptcy & spent lots of $$ in attorney fees to keep my retirement & not have to pay my exah spousal support.
But as many have shared - I survived - it wasn't easy, it wasn't fun - but I made it thru ~ My life is rebuilt, peaceful and thriving ~
And for me, it was worth it ~ just to be able to sleep without my keys, purse & cell phone under my pillow every nite ~ that is a priceless gift that was worth it!
Wishing you peace and healing ~
pink hugs
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Hey Red, this too shall pass. I hate to see you in such a state, but I'm here to tell you it does get better. You can do this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm not normally a cyber huger but in your case.. *hugs*
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Great big, giant hugs. I feel you on the money worries. I'm supporting two kids by myself, skating by on my salary and under the table cash I get from my side hobbies. My AH lives in the basement of his rich parents' house, who have offered me no tangible help (lots of words, zero action). He will be fine whether he decides to drink his life away or find real recovery. He stands to inherit a small fortune, and in the meantime they will make sure that his every need is satisfied. It's a major source of resentment, that they are his biggest enablers despite all the talk of love and support. It also makes me feel sad and insecure about what my relationship meant with and to them -- what did the last nine years mean to them? All the holidays spent, the I love yous, the we will support yous?
My awesome therapist told me recently that the new Florence that I build today depends on how completely I tear down the old Florence of yesterday and all her hang-ups and habits and obstacles. This old Redheadsusie is getting torn down, but man, this is a huge opportunity to build up a bigger, better Redheadsusie 2.0, one that's not held back by this jerk and his enabling family.
Meanwhile, maybe see about getting a free consultation with another divorce lawyer and verify what you're being told. But walking away from him and this house is empowerment too, if that's what you decide to do. You don't have to deal with him or any of this mess anymore.
My awesome therapist told me recently that the new Florence that I build today depends on how completely I tear down the old Florence of yesterday and all her hang-ups and habits and obstacles. This old Redheadsusie is getting torn down, but man, this is a huge opportunity to build up a bigger, better Redheadsusie 2.0, one that's not held back by this jerk and his enabling family.
Meanwhile, maybe see about getting a free consultation with another divorce lawyer and verify what you're being told. But walking away from him and this house is empowerment too, if that's what you decide to do. You don't have to deal with him or any of this mess anymore.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
((((((Redheadsusie))))))
This sounds just awful. I have been where you are - not the exact circumstances, but pretty close and pretty dire. It is incredibly scary.
Something you said in your post stood out to me....when you said you will "just have to walk away to save your health and your sanity." Maybe that is exactly what you need to do. I made a decision early on regarding what I would fight for and what I would not because I did not want to engage in battles with my AH. I think that was a good plan for me because I have been able to give myself time to get my health and sanity back and did not waste energy getting sucked into AH drama.
You will get through this ....I know you have it in you. And when you do you will be healthy and more sane and capable of so much more. You've been operating at reduced capacity because he's been sucking the life out of you!!!
My A once said, I'm not worried about you leaving because you couldn't do it without me - if he said that to me now, I would reply....JUST WATCH ME!!!
Sending you lots of support and extra hugs.
MamaKit
This sounds just awful. I have been where you are - not the exact circumstances, but pretty close and pretty dire. It is incredibly scary.
Something you said in your post stood out to me....when you said you will "just have to walk away to save your health and your sanity." Maybe that is exactly what you need to do. I made a decision early on regarding what I would fight for and what I would not because I did not want to engage in battles with my AH. I think that was a good plan for me because I have been able to give myself time to get my health and sanity back and did not waste energy getting sucked into AH drama.
You will get through this ....I know you have it in you. And when you do you will be healthy and more sane and capable of so much more. You've been operating at reduced capacity because he's been sucking the life out of you!!!
My A once said, I'm not worried about you leaving because you couldn't do it without me - if he said that to me now, I would reply....JUST WATCH ME!!!
Sending you lots of support and extra hugs.
MamaKit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Thank you so much for the encouraging words- today was a bust - I tried to get some work done- then decided to run a few errands and ended up crying in the Target - nice huh. I just came home . I know this will pass and I know the person I was before him and how I raised my sons myself and I did fine by myself! I have 2 wonderful sons who adore me. I am keeping that in my mind- it is about all I have to go on right now and this place. I hate being weak and scared - even at the end when my Daddy was dying of Cancer he was still strong and he was still my Dad and he would tell me it would all be ok and he was proud of me................I know he is still saying that I could just use a hug from him about now.............I am a ******* mess........... Thank you again I am grateful for eveyones wisdom and kindness....
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Readheadsusie
I am thinking of you. The hate/love madness is horrible and I am glad you are getting far away from it.
In the end it is just stuff and material possessions. When you have peace, tranquility in your immediate environment, it is priceless. When you start having your health back, it is priceless. Health and inner peace, a life free of abuse of any kind, is worth any other "cost".
It will get much better, one day at a time, one hour at a time...
I am thinking of you. The hate/love madness is horrible and I am glad you are getting far away from it.
In the end it is just stuff and material possessions. When you have peace, tranquility in your immediate environment, it is priceless. When you start having your health back, it is priceless. Health and inner peace, a life free of abuse of any kind, is worth any other "cost".
It will get much better, one day at a time, one hour at a time...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I was having the same self talk about weakness but it is not true,
"I am only a human" is today's motto for self compassion. Self compassion is a true healer. You are going through major changes and doing GREAT. Cut yourself some slack...
"I am only a human" is today's motto for self compassion. Self compassion is a true healer. You are going through major changes and doing GREAT. Cut yourself some slack...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Yes you were married & yes you are entitled to 50/50.
I don't know where you live but down under we can apply for legal aid & get lawyers to work for us regardless of low income. Sometimes the fees are written off or sometimes you get to pay them off slowly.
Do you have anything like that?
I promise you this will end one day & you can move on & rebuild.
Feel for you, big hugs Susie.
I don't know where you live but down under we can apply for legal aid & get lawyers to work for us regardless of low income. Sometimes the fees are written off or sometimes you get to pay them off slowly.
Do you have anything like that?
I promise you this will end one day & you can move on & rebuild.
Feel for you, big hugs Susie.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear redheadsuzie, I think anyone would be upset and a "mess" in your same situation. It is normal to be emotional and angry and scared. Don't beat up on yourself.
Getting a second opinion is an absolute must when the stakes are this high!!
So many of us have h it a bottom where we lost all of our material possessions. We understand how that feels.
Today, I heard someone say: "We don't know our courage until courage is our only option"
sincerely, dandylion
Getting a second opinion is an absolute must when the stakes are this high!!
So many of us have h it a bottom where we lost all of our material possessions. We understand how that feels.
Today, I heard someone say: "We don't know our courage until courage is our only option"
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: New Englander in Michigan
Posts: 52
Wow Redheadsusie. This is a heartfelt and heart-heavy story. '
However, as I read what you are going through and have been through recently (so sorry about your parents) I felt this strange energy from it. Like something amazing is surrounding you.
I just know that you are going to make it through this and come out better in many ways. *sigh*
*hugs* from all of us.
However, as I read what you are going through and have been through recently (so sorry about your parents) I felt this strange energy from it. Like something amazing is surrounding you.
I just know that you are going to make it through this and come out better in many ways. *sigh*
*hugs* from all of us.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I would suggest compiling all the proof you can of ALL the mortgage payments
you made, that he did not, and taking those to your attorney and asking how
to get reimbursed for these, since he is 'keeping' the house.
If nothing else, he could be ordered by the court, as a financial settlement to
pay you 1/2 of the total of those payments. It would also make him have to
show proof to the court of his mortgage payments.
Also by court order he will have so many days to REMOVE you off of the mortgage
ie Refinance. That should be interesting!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
you made, that he did not, and taking those to your attorney and asking how
to get reimbursed for these, since he is 'keeping' the house.
If nothing else, he could be ordered by the court, as a financial settlement to
pay you 1/2 of the total of those payments. It would also make him have to
show proof to the court of his mortgage payments.
Also by court order he will have so many days to REMOVE you off of the mortgage
ie Refinance. That should be interesting!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 124
When it seemed all was falling apart and I felt weak and scared, I remembered that tomorrow was going to come regardless if I kicked or screamed or held my arms open for it.
Sometimes you need days to just say F it. It's refreshing. It allows you to focus on the fact that you don't have to balance everything in life. It's okay to let the dishes hit the floor, the milk to spill, the bills to be late or eat ramen for a few weeks. You will survive, and you will find humor in things you never did.
I've always admired animals that can lose everything, and yet chill in the shade under a tree.
Sometimes you need days to just say F it. It's refreshing. It allows you to focus on the fact that you don't have to balance everything in life. It's okay to let the dishes hit the floor, the milk to spill, the bills to be late or eat ramen for a few weeks. You will survive, and you will find humor in things you never did.
I've always admired animals that can lose everything, and yet chill in the shade under a tree.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Redheadsusie - So sorry to hear you are having to go through this. Only a few months ago (maybe even less) I felt like you do. But somehow I have started to be aware that the problem is really in my head - i.e my perception. I no longer believe I am alone because things have been working out better. I still have nobody to rely on financially except myself and I don't know if its the anti-depressants kicking in after 8 months (I doubt it) but I am able to think more clearly - maybe I am listening more and being guided by my higher power (which I strongly suspect) but the fear and anxiety have lessened and I don't feel as helpless.
Like you, AH's family were very much a tight bunch and I felt let down and isolated by them . But now I look at them and 1 is a raging A and the other in a late stage of dementia - the only one I had real kindness from is in a nursing home but mostly okay. The family is not what it once was - I find I feel sad about all that happened and the wasted opportunity of not having a loving and supportive environment - (in both directions).
I feel like I am on the brink of getting a sound financial grounding and looking forward ( well maybe that's a bit strong but having little glimmers of expectation) of having nice trips and doing activities I always dreamed of doing. So take heart this is just a phase you're going through. Kisses and Hugs.((()))
Like you, AH's family were very much a tight bunch and I felt let down and isolated by them . But now I look at them and 1 is a raging A and the other in a late stage of dementia - the only one I had real kindness from is in a nursing home but mostly okay. The family is not what it once was - I find I feel sad about all that happened and the wasted opportunity of not having a loving and supportive environment - (in both directions).
I feel like I am on the brink of getting a sound financial grounding and looking forward ( well maybe that's a bit strong but having little glimmers of expectation) of having nice trips and doing activities I always dreamed of doing. So take heart this is just a phase you're going through. Kisses and Hugs.((()))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
It will get better. I'm sure reading this it's hard to believe but while your going through all the feelings remember to breath and let them wash away from you. I started doing that last August 2012 and that was the only thing that got me through my days then.
My ex-abf left me homeless ( I had no where to go kind of homeless, and if I didn't have friends I would have been sleeping at a shelter ) and without work and all my savings used up by being with an A I was scared. I've never been so scared in my life but I'm making it. Still have a ton of bills, debt now that I didn't have before but my peace of mind is coming back and so is some sleep.
Just know staying true to you and being kind to yourself at this point in the process is key to making a better life later! If you need to cry then cry, it will wash away feelings that your processing.
Take care of yourself and love on your kids more now then ever!
My ex-abf left me homeless ( I had no where to go kind of homeless, and if I didn't have friends I would have been sleeping at a shelter ) and without work and all my savings used up by being with an A I was scared. I've never been so scared in my life but I'm making it. Still have a ton of bills, debt now that I didn't have before but my peace of mind is coming back and so is some sleep.
Just know staying true to you and being kind to yourself at this point in the process is key to making a better life later! If you need to cry then cry, it will wash away feelings that your processing.
Take care of yourself and love on your kids more now then ever!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: San Diego
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by Redheadsusie
Yesterday I had atty meeting and found that AH set up things with the house to benefit him and the fact that I have been paying the mortgage by myself for years means nothing to the courts really- we were married. I called him to talk about coming up with separation agreement and brought up I should get something out of the house - the only equity we have is money his parents put down - large amount- part of that down payment was his money but proving that -per my attorney - would be costly and I don't have money for that - he planned it I am sure - so I would get no benefit of it. Anyway- of course he got painfully ugly with me- there will be no negotiation - I will just have to walk away to save my sanity and my health - the selfishness and arrogance and the hateful things he says kills me and then in the next sentence he says I love you more than anyone I have ever loved - you are the woman I have had more fun with and the best sex with in my life - I broke down and can't gather myself. I feel hopeless today and can't shake it - I know it does not matter what his family says or him but it affects me - they were my family for 13 years- and my parents have died recently - they told me I saved their son from death and was an angel but of course watched me support our family soley and expected me to and watched him ruin it and they enabled him with money and with comfort and now with support - they have not spoken to me since the split - I try to tell myself I will be ok- but I don't believe it - I live commission check to commission check- have zero savings - nobody to fall back on - and it horrifies me. I guess that could have happened with him here but I always knew his family would not let that happen to him ...........I feel pathetic and if not for my sons don't know if I would be holding it together at all - I can't pursue business as I am crying and look like death . **** it..............
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