broadway

I'm having the most difficult time figuring out what to do about my mother. As background, my mother was very young when she had me, went through years of serious alcohol and drug addiction, rehabs, and physical and mental abuse that really terrorized me. She no longer uses drugs. I have a young brother who has a serious illness and my mother is his sole caretaker. I graduated law school 2 years ago and my partner and I moved away from home so that I could take a great job. We really like where we are (aside from some homesickness). I love my job and coworkers, though I think I could be happy doing many things in my career.

I now feel compelled to move home so that I can spend time with my younger brother before the inevitable (his condition is terminal). I just love him so much and feel very close to him. I'm spending a lot of time and money to travel to see him and it's especially difficult when an emergency arises, so I think it would be better if I was physically there. At the same time, I feel suffocated by my mother. I am convinced she does not care about me at all, but is constantly using me as her sounding board, borrowing money, etc. I know that I allow this to happen, but I don't know how to make it stop. Sometimes, I just get so angry about how she treated me as a kid and how she still treats me today. I fear that I won't be able to have my own life when I return home because she is constantly calling, texting, wanting to know what I'm doing, who I'm with, and trying to find any way for me to serve her. All the while, celebrating my success even though she really did nothing to help me develop into who I am today (aside from the confused, insecure part of me). As the decision becomes more finalized, and the move gets closer, I'm getting more and more stressed out about it. I just don't know what to do. I would do anything for my brother, including having him live with me if necessary. I keep changing my mind and I'm driving myself and my partner (who is the most supportive person) crazy. I know this decision ultimately is mine to make, but I really need help sorting this out. It's starting to interfere with my daily life. For example, I sat at my desk at work the other day crying uncontrollably.

Kialua

As a child of an alcoholic I understand how you grew up. I understand how your Mother terrorized you and now takes credit for your success. Amazing isn't it? I'm glad for you that she is sober now and not using. How long has it been?

You are very nice to care about your brother so much, I'm sure he will appreciate it. Will this be a temporary move, you said his time is short? Maybe you could attend some al anon meetings or find a ACoA meeting would be even better, to help you get through this rough time. Will you be moving back?

As a mother myself, who never terrorized her kids, and never drank or drugged, my one says I do too much texting, calling, asking as well. Maybe that is just normal, as much as it is unwanted. As an adult child of an alcoholic I have no idea what normal is most of the time, so there's that. Maybe you could set a once a day check in time with her to control the badgering. Just tell her and then do it, by not responding till the chosen time.

Do you have to move into your mothers home to do this? That might be hard.

broadway

I'm planning that it would be a permanent move (though nothing is really permanent). His condition is degenerative. The prognosis for most is generally second decade of life and he is 10 years old now.

We would not live with my mother. We would live in our own house. There's no way I could share space with her. And my partner would most certainly divorce me. My mother has been sober (again) for a few years. The last bout was during law school in which I actually quit school for a year because of the situation, no one to care for my brother, my mom going through deathly withdrawals and finally a 3 month inpatient stint. I'm wondering if this is me being impulsive. I've actually altered my life plans a few times to do what I thought I needed to do to "fix" the situation. I know now that I can't actually fix this, that he will die. And I want to be okay with that. I think I will regret not being there for him and spending time with him if I stay where I am, even though life is better than it's been in a long, long time.

Kialua

I know, we are fixers at heart aren't we? But your brother may need you and I get that. Make your boudaries and keep them it won't be easy, and meetings would help. Have you read any books about boundaries or ACoA? If not we have a book thread above in the stickies you might try.

kthopkt

Did you say your partner will divorce you if you move back?

It seems like your heart is telling you to go but your mind is telling you to stay. What a difficult situation you are in; I am sorry.

In all honesty, I believe you are being there for your brother by visiting him & keeping in contact with him. You ARE helping him even though you are miles apart; maybe that is enough. What will happen to you & your life after he passes? You need to think about your partner & your future as well.

We don't always have to live right beside our loved ones to still be there for them. I live 9 hours away from my brother but feel that I am still there for him & trust that he knows that I love him none the less.

Best of luck with your decision & I am sorry you are going through this.

Kialua

No not divorcing if moving back, OP said if they lived IN the mothers house. But it didn't sound like a threat.

broadway

Thank you both for your responses. I guess there really is no true answer. My heart and my head are definitely in two different places. That was a great observation. I guess my main concern is detemining whether my present intent is just the same behaviors as the past. Everything ultimately worked out, and will again.

MMkM

Do you know how she treats your brother especially when drinking?

Have you made sure she is taking responsiblity for him and is nice.

Yet seems to be taking it out on you.

Risking a relationship, you might have to really weigh this out on what would work best for you and your brother while avoiding your mother as much as possible.

broadway

MMkM, she is sober and has been active in a recovery program and community for over 3 years. I think she takes good care of him. I do have to balance this decision. My mind is playing tricks on me right now. Today, I'm leaning toward staying where I am. I'm not sure I could have a better job, and while that isn't everything, it sort of fits with my situation. Such as, if I need to go home to help with him, I can telework or take sick leave. In future, if I need to take off for a significant period of time, my job will be protected. I'm not sure the job I would have when I go back would be nearly as generous.

tromboneliness

At the risk of blatant advice-giving, I'd stay where you are, and just put up with the temporary inconvenience of flying back-and-forth a lot to see your brother. That situation will only last a certain amount of time (not under your control), and afterwards, you'll feel good, having done the right thing. Also, you're right -- your job is protected by the Family & Medical Leave Act, if you have to go take care of your brother.

Moving back to toxic parents is a resentment-fest waiting to happen, especially if it's a permanent move. You and your partner will both feel like martyrs, Mom will be a constant PITA, and giving up a great job is often a mistake (at least it was for me, more than once). In fact, it's a symptom of self-abandonment, for some of us. A good workplace is hard to find.

Given the choice (lots of travel and inconvenience for a limited time vs. lots of conflict and resentment on a permanent basis), I'd stay put and just rack up the frequent flyer miles.

T

NWGRITS

I'll just second what else has been mentioned here. I moved home more than once because I felt I had a duty to take care of my aging grandmother. Long story short, I could have just as easily kept up with her from a distance, and had worst come to worst, I had FMLA. Moving back home was a disaster each and every time. I'm now 3,000 miles away from home, and never been happier. Of course, my grandmother's decisions to stay and babysit her A daughter are totally different than the situation you're in with your brother. I admire you for being there for him. Be a little easier on yourself. We're all wired to want to save the world, but we can't help anyone if we aren't taking care of ourselves first.