RoundTwo

My life is far from perfect but I seem to be picking up the pieces and rebuilding my life fairly quickly from where I sat almost six months ago. My life now is boring and mundane but I know with time that will change. Over the last month though, on three separate occasions, including the night before last, I've decided, on a whim to go the store after work, buy a case of beer and a bottle of vodka and just have at it, fully knowing the chance of me getting out of bed the next day and going to work are slim to none. Everytime I've confirmed what I already know. I took a job transfer out of Vegas to leave the temptation behind, go back to school and improve my life. I have a fairly decent job, enough to do what I want and pay for school. I know that if I drink on work nights, 95 percent of the time, its a call in the next day. I quit drinking for 4 months and have lost my tolerance and can't function the next day. Its not specifically the alcohol I want when I go to the store to buy it anymore....I think there is something in me that enjoys being careless, throwing caution to the wind. I've walked the line in life for so long, always balancing my partying with my professional life, always knowing any faulter will result in it all crashing down and I miss the stress of it. Sounds crazy, but its how I feel. When I was completely sober for 4 months up until the end of last month, I was fantasizing and planning a skydiving trip.....I'm scared to death of heights......it was completely illogical but was meeting that need I have to put everything at risk sometimes. I've slipped three tImes this month and called in three times, its bad but not devastating. I've learned that for me myself I don't crave alcohol, for me its been poor decision making and that is the hardest thing for myself. To learn to make better choices. At least I haven't been gambling again, three call in days at work is repairable.....emptying my bank accounts again.....that would be devastating. Looks like I have another few weeks of regret and reflection ahead of me. I've lived my life like there was no tomorrow for so long, the older I get I realise I'm most likely in this life for the long haul and unfortunately living life with reckless abandonment of your future has its consequences. Damn Toys R Us, I have to grow up.

instant

Personally I think to recover part of us has to die so the healthy part might live- metaphortically speaking.

The guys who love AVRT would have a field day with your post

RoundTwo

Instant, I agree that part of us has to die to change our ways. There comes a point in life where if things are not going the way they should be in your life, its time to let go of the parts of you that are creating the chaos. For me its my reckless decision making and when I drink, my bad decisions are amplified. I don't crave alcohol, I don't have to have it, but when I do drink, there is a good chance of some regrettable decisions in my future. I've toned down my carelessness while sober, but when I decided to drink again, it brought back my poor decision making. I am a much more successful and efficient person when I'm sober, this I know. I'm not familiar with avrt, but I know a lot of people on here probably won't like what I'm about to say. I think for me, I have to have an outlet, there is a part of me that needs to feel reckless at times. I have the ability to never drink again, because I don't have the physical addiction to alcohol, for me its a choice. My problem is I make a lot of bad choices and the older I've gotten, I've allowed myself to choose to drink when its inappropriate for me, when it interferes with my life responsibilities. There are different levels of problem drinking to me, all are serious, and I recoginize that this is a problem for me. I guess for me I need to decide whether I want to work on becoming a better decision maker and grow up and drink occassionaly at appropriate times...days off work with no possibility to be driving, or whether I want to become a skydiver. I need that outlet, that feeling that for a little while....I'm going to lose control a little bit...something unexpected might happen. During my 4 months of sobriety, this was what I craved.

bigsombrero

I wonder if you'd like to travel? I do that. Been doing it for years. I'm only sober 7 months, but the few respites I've had from drinking before this last stretch have been during my travels. I have gone alone to wherever the fares strike me - Indonesia by myself, El Salvador by myself, Honduras by myself. Trust me, when you land in San PedroSula alone with no hotel reservations and just a bit of internet research in your back pocket, you will definitely feel that "edge" and your senses will be heightened. It's a natural high, I'm not sure if it's recommended by the standard AA folk but for me it works to fill that void. Spend a week taking pictures, find yourself a small beach town and chill.

If that sounds too unattainable, check out cheap fares on kayak.com or something and go somewhere for a weekend, somewhere in the states you never thought you'd go. Hell go to Cleveland for a weekend, or Buffalo or Birmingham. Buzz to NYC and spend a weekend in a cheap hotel in the Bronx.

Sounds like you're already taking time off work here and there - why not take a week off straight and make it a sober experience? It's a good start when it comes to creating sober memories, plus you impress your friends

Received

Well, wow. Just wow.

I'm going to be tandem skydiving this spring. Not only do I have a fear of heights, I also have a fear of flying and facing my fears, head on and pushing through them, is not "completely illogical", "poor decision making", "being careless" or "putting everything at risk".

All that nonsense wrapped around why you drink, for me, is just your addictive voice running rampant.

So yeah, wow.

RoundTwo

Bigsombrero, travel has always been enjoyable to me and extensive travel has always been a goal. I like the idea of impulsive adventures to unknown lands alone and I think its a great idea to satsify that need I have for impulsivity and risky behavoir. Received, I think addiction is an overly used term for peoples problems with substance abuse, our culture has used it as a crutch to explain our bad decision making. I am addicted to nicotine, if I don't smoke a cigarette, I have physical withdrawls, I need nicotine to quell those withdrawls, when I quit smoking for almost a year, my physical withdrawls were gone after three weeks. After those physical withdrawls were gone, it came down to a decision, it was a mental choice to smoke a cigarette or not. Eventually I made the decision to smoke again because it is an activity I enjoy, I enjoy the ritual of it, I enjoy the social interaction on break at work, of course now I am physically addicted to nicotine again, it is a poweful drug. Same goes with any drug in my mind, I do not have a physical addiction to alcohol, but I am a problem drinker. To me, drinking is a choice, normally its a bad choice, but a choice. For me to call my drinking problem an addiction is a cop out for me, its me not taking responsibility for my bad decision making. There are millions of people with a legitmate addiction to alcohol, through my sobriety I learned I am not one of them. I am a person who has problem drinking traits because of poor decision making and for me to call it an addiction in my mind is insulting to people who don't have the choice to pick up the bottle. These are just things I have learned about myself through months of self examination while changing the way I live my life. I'm not saying this to demean anyone, or addiction, or recovery. To me recovery is figuring who you are, what your needs are, and what your weaknesses are and learning from past mistakes. Everyones journey through life and recovery is different, these are just my views and are always subject to change depending on life circumstances, but for now this is where I stand in my personal recovery from my problem drinking, gambling and overall risky behaviors.

Received

Maybe you could relate to Rational Recovery/AVRT.

I know I did.

RoundTwo

Thanks received, a few other people have suggested that to me, I'm not familiar with it, time for google to show me the way ;-) ill be checking this out tonight. The way I've lived my life obviously wasn't working, but I haven't found anything that seems to apply directly to me yet. Thanks for the information.