Overdose, in ICU. What now?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12
Overdose, in ICU. What now?
Hi Everyone,
I wrote here about a year ago about my brother and his wife and their problems, and I got TREMENDOUS amounts of support and advice that really helped me. Namely, let go, go no contact, walk away. Which I did. I did so without saying, "Don't contact me anymore," directly. I just started ignoring them and they did me.
So, fast forward to a year later. My brother was found in a coma after overdosing on....I don't exactly know all, since my mother wouldn't tell me, but to name a few: methadone, cocaine, valium. My guess is there was oxycodone, morphine, and some other things in there as well. This is the second time that my bro has been in the hospital from drug use, but his first time that he actually overdosed to the point of near death. His drugs of choice are opiates and cocaine. He was unconscious for approximately 11 hours before someone found him and he aspirated his own vomit by then, etc. So, he's been in the ICU for 8 days. He has been going through severe withdrawal and has been physically restrained. He currently can not walk and his speech is extremely impaired. I would have to get on a plane to go see him, which I am not doing. (I have a husband and 2 small children and a good life.)
The reason I am writing is that I understand the writing is on the wall here. He is going to die from drug addiction. It's just a matter of when. I can only hope and pray that he gets into treatment, but he never has before (went into an outpatient drug treatment program 2 years ago and was back on morphine before he had even gotten out of it). He says that 12 step programs "are not for me," thinks he can control it, etc. He is 47 years old and believe it or not, maintains a full time job.
So, what do I do? When he gets through the withdrawal (and hopefully does not have permanent brain deficiencies from this) and gets out of the hospital, I fully anticipate that he will go back to doing drugs. How do I tell him that I won't have anything to do with him anymore? That I'm not willing to witness his slow death by way of his addiction? That his disease has ravaged our family and is pulling all of us apart from one another? I'm worried that he will blame me, that he will get angry, that he will go back to using and then say it's my fault later. My mother is extremely codependent and told me that he feels that I have "abandoned him." I made it clear to her that I love him, that I fully support him, that I want him to get better, and that if he goes into full treatment and is sober that I will talk to him at that point. But honestly, I really don't think I want anything to do with him even if he does those things, because the trust is so broken....and I truly wouldn't believe that he was clean. I don't want him to be a part of my life anymore. I have small children I have to protect and provide for. He has lied, lied, lied, and lied some more. Now he's killing himself, and our parents, and our siblings, and our spouses are all being dragged down with him. It's horrific. He is a true, true addict. My guess is that he has been using drugs for at least 20 years and it is finally catching up with him. This is who he is, this is his lifestyle, this is what he lives for.
My mother wants to think that he is going to get better and wants him to have a relationship with me, my husband and my children. My husband is very adamant that there's NO WAY that is happening, even if my brother did get better. The trust is just too broken. But of course, I feel terrible about 1) feeling that way, 2) cutting him off entirely and 3) making it clear. I'm also afraid it will adversely impact my relationship with my mom (and therefore my kids) because she will be very angry if I don't "support" my brother.
Any advice? Many, many thanks in advance. What a mess.
I wrote here about a year ago about my brother and his wife and their problems, and I got TREMENDOUS amounts of support and advice that really helped me. Namely, let go, go no contact, walk away. Which I did. I did so without saying, "Don't contact me anymore," directly. I just started ignoring them and they did me.
So, fast forward to a year later. My brother was found in a coma after overdosing on....I don't exactly know all, since my mother wouldn't tell me, but to name a few: methadone, cocaine, valium. My guess is there was oxycodone, morphine, and some other things in there as well. This is the second time that my bro has been in the hospital from drug use, but his first time that he actually overdosed to the point of near death. His drugs of choice are opiates and cocaine. He was unconscious for approximately 11 hours before someone found him and he aspirated his own vomit by then, etc. So, he's been in the ICU for 8 days. He has been going through severe withdrawal and has been physically restrained. He currently can not walk and his speech is extremely impaired. I would have to get on a plane to go see him, which I am not doing. (I have a husband and 2 small children and a good life.)
The reason I am writing is that I understand the writing is on the wall here. He is going to die from drug addiction. It's just a matter of when. I can only hope and pray that he gets into treatment, but he never has before (went into an outpatient drug treatment program 2 years ago and was back on morphine before he had even gotten out of it). He says that 12 step programs "are not for me," thinks he can control it, etc. He is 47 years old and believe it or not, maintains a full time job.
So, what do I do? When he gets through the withdrawal (and hopefully does not have permanent brain deficiencies from this) and gets out of the hospital, I fully anticipate that he will go back to doing drugs. How do I tell him that I won't have anything to do with him anymore? That I'm not willing to witness his slow death by way of his addiction? That his disease has ravaged our family and is pulling all of us apart from one another? I'm worried that he will blame me, that he will get angry, that he will go back to using and then say it's my fault later. My mother is extremely codependent and told me that he feels that I have "abandoned him." I made it clear to her that I love him, that I fully support him, that I want him to get better, and that if he goes into full treatment and is sober that I will talk to him at that point. But honestly, I really don't think I want anything to do with him even if he does those things, because the trust is so broken....and I truly wouldn't believe that he was clean. I don't want him to be a part of my life anymore. I have small children I have to protect and provide for. He has lied, lied, lied, and lied some more. Now he's killing himself, and our parents, and our siblings, and our spouses are all being dragged down with him. It's horrific. He is a true, true addict. My guess is that he has been using drugs for at least 20 years and it is finally catching up with him. This is who he is, this is his lifestyle, this is what he lives for.
My mother wants to think that he is going to get better and wants him to have a relationship with me, my husband and my children. My husband is very adamant that there's NO WAY that is happening, even if my brother did get better. The trust is just too broken. But of course, I feel terrible about 1) feeling that way, 2) cutting him off entirely and 3) making it clear. I'm also afraid it will adversely impact my relationship with my mom (and therefore my kids) because she will be very angry if I don't "support" my brother.
Any advice? Many, many thanks in advance. What a mess.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by steelers 
Hi Everyone,
I wrote here about a year ago about my brother and his wife and their problems, and I got TREMENDOUS amounts of support and advice that really helped me. Namely, let go, go no contact, walk away. Which I did. I did so without saying, "Don't contact me anymore," directly. I just started ignoring them and they did me.
So, fast forward to a year later. My brother was found in a coma after overdosing on....I don't exactly know all, since my mother wouldn't tell me, but to name a few: methadone, cocaine, valium. My guess is there was oxycodone, morphine, and some other things in there as well. This is the second time that my bro has been in the hospital from drug use, but his first time that he actually overdosed to the point of near death. His drugs of choice are opiates and cocaine. He was unconscious for approximately 11 hours before someone found him and he aspirated his own vomit by then, etc. So, he's been in the ICU for 8 days. He has been going through severe withdrawal and has been physically restrained. He currently can not walk and his speech is extremely impaired. I would have to get on a plane to go see him, which I am not doing. (I have a husband and 2 small children and a good life.)
The reason I am writing is that I understand the writing is on the wall here. He is going to die from drug addiction. It's just a matter of when. I can only hope and pray that he gets into treatment, but he never has before (went into an outpatient drug treatment program 2 years ago and was back on morphine before he had even gotten out of it). He says that 12 step programs "are not for me," thinks he can control it, etc. He is 47 years old and believe it or not, maintains a full time job.
So, what do I do? When he gets through the withdrawal (and hopefully does not have permanent brain deficiencies from this) and gets out of the hospital, I fully anticipate that he will go back to doing drugs. How do I tell him that I won't have anything to do with him anymore? That I'm not willing to witness his slow death by way of his addiction? That his disease has ravaged our family and is pulling all of us apart from one another? I'm worried that he will blame me, that he will get angry, that he will go back to using and then say it's my fault later. My mother is extremely codependent and told me that he feels that I have "abandoned him." I made it clear to her that I love him, that I fully support him, that I want him to get better, and that if he goes into full treatment and is sober that I will talk to him at that point. But honestly, I really don't think I want anything to do with him even if he does those things, because the trust is so broken....and I truly wouldn't believe that he was clean. I don't want him to be a part of my life anymore. I have small children I have to protect and provide for. He has lied, lied, lied, and lied some more. Now he's killing himself, and our parents, and our siblings, and our spouses are all being dragged down with him. It's horrific. He is a true, true addict. My guess is that he has been using drugs for at least 20 years and it is finally catching up with him. This is who he is, this is his lifestyle, this is what he lives for.
My mother wants to think that he is going to get better and wants him to have a relationship with me, my husband and my children. My husband is very adamant that there's NO WAY that is happening, even if my brother did get better. The trust is just too broken. But of course, I feel terrible about 1) feeling that way, 2) cutting him off entirely and 3) making it clear. I'm also afraid it will adversely impact my relationship with my mom (and therefore my kids) because she will be very angry if I don't "support" my brother.
Any advice? Many, many thanks in advance. What a mess.
I wrote here about a year ago about my brother and his wife and their problems, and I got TREMENDOUS amounts of support and advice that really helped me. Namely, let go, go no contact, walk away. Which I did. I did so without saying, "Don't contact me anymore," directly. I just started ignoring them and they did me.
So, fast forward to a year later. My brother was found in a coma after overdosing on....I don't exactly know all, since my mother wouldn't tell me, but to name a few: methadone, cocaine, valium. My guess is there was oxycodone, morphine, and some other things in there as well. This is the second time that my bro has been in the hospital from drug use, but his first time that he actually overdosed to the point of near death. His drugs of choice are opiates and cocaine. He was unconscious for approximately 11 hours before someone found him and he aspirated his own vomit by then, etc. So, he's been in the ICU for 8 days. He has been going through severe withdrawal and has been physically restrained. He currently can not walk and his speech is extremely impaired. I would have to get on a plane to go see him, which I am not doing. (I have a husband and 2 small children and a good life.)
The reason I am writing is that I understand the writing is on the wall here. He is going to die from drug addiction. It's just a matter of when. I can only hope and pray that he gets into treatment, but he never has before (went into an outpatient drug treatment program 2 years ago and was back on morphine before he had even gotten out of it). He says that 12 step programs "are not for me," thinks he can control it, etc. He is 47 years old and believe it or not, maintains a full time job.
So, what do I do? When he gets through the withdrawal (and hopefully does not have permanent brain deficiencies from this) and gets out of the hospital, I fully anticipate that he will go back to doing drugs. How do I tell him that I won't have anything to do with him anymore? That I'm not willing to witness his slow death by way of his addiction? That his disease has ravaged our family and is pulling all of us apart from one another? I'm worried that he will blame me, that he will get angry, that he will go back to using and then say it's my fault later. My mother is extremely codependent and told me that he feels that I have "abandoned him." I made it clear to her that I love him, that I fully support him, that I want him to get better, and that if he goes into full treatment and is sober that I will talk to him at that point. But honestly, I really don't think I want anything to do with him even if he does those things, because the trust is so broken....and I truly wouldn't believe that he was clean. I don't want him to be a part of my life anymore. I have small children I have to protect and provide for. He has lied, lied, lied, and lied some more. Now he's killing himself, and our parents, and our siblings, and our spouses are all being dragged down with him. It's horrific. He is a true, true addict. My guess is that he has been using drugs for at least 20 years and it is finally catching up with him. This is who he is, this is his lifestyle, this is what he lives for.
My mother wants to think that he is going to get better and wants him to have a relationship with me, my husband and my children. My husband is very adamant that there's NO WAY that is happening, even if my brother did get better. The trust is just too broken. But of course, I feel terrible about 1) feeling that way, 2) cutting him off entirely and 3) making it clear. I'm also afraid it will adversely impact my relationship with my mom (and therefore my kids) because she will be very angry if I don't "support" my brother.
Any advice? Many, many thanks in advance. What a mess.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 626
Now that I'm a little, a really important lesson that is be true to yourself.
I got tired of doing things or feeling things just "for the sake of". Hopefully that makes sense.
If you want nothing more to do with the whole situation then separate yourself from it and don't feel guilty. It sounds like you've tried everything and he will get clean or not. It's his choice.
You do need to take care of yourself and your family.
It's a brave thing you're doing.
It's too bad you couldn't show your post to your mother or him. It pretty much spells it out.
Good for you!!!
I got tired of doing things or feeling things just "for the sake of". Hopefully that makes sense.
If you want nothing more to do with the whole situation then separate yourself from it and don't feel guilty. It sounds like you've tried everything and he will get clean or not. It's his choice.
You do need to take care of yourself and your family.
It's a brave thing you're doing.
It's too bad you couldn't show your post to your mother or him. It pretty much spells it out.
Good for you!!!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
First of all, your brother already has brain deficiencies and they will continue to get
worse, unless and until he himself chooses recovery. Should he choose recovery,
and with a LOT of hard work, he can and will build new pathways.
Until that time, ......................... well you get the idea. This is a 'one man show'
and he is the only one who can effect the change.
So, what can you do for you? Continue in the mode you have been, No Contact.
I know this can be difficult. My sister has conveyed to me just how hard for her
it was to 'leave me be' out in California and not have contact with me. She said
she did a lot of praying and went on with living her life with her family. Even after
I found recovery, it still took about 5 years before she and I started to have a
relationship again.
I am happy to say we are extremely close now many years later. As much as
you love your brother, your family is what will keep you strong.
Of course, you do not want your brother 'mad' at you and 'blaming' you but that
is what addicts do. What he has said to your mother is PURE MANIPULATION to
get her and hopefully you to feel sorry for him, and thus without realizing it
start to 'enable' him. IF he chooses to go back to using upon leaving the hospital
it is HIS CHOICE. No one, not you, not your mom, etc can make him pick up
the drug. Now he may use one or both of you as HIS EXCUSE but you do not have
to ACCEPT that as it is not true.
So, personally, I would love my brother from afar, as deep down somewhere in
there he still knows you love him, it's just that the 'addition voice' is telling him
otherwise so that he will keep using.
You might want to try some Naranon or Alanon meetings for you. It will help
YOU to figure YOU out and understand yourself and your feelings about your
brother. You might also want to get a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by
Melodie Beattie (fairly cheap on Amazon) and maybe a copy for your mom if
you think she might be receptive.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very
much! Also feel free to ask all the questions that come to mind, we've got lots
amf lots of folks here with lots and lots of experience.
Love and hugs,
worse, unless and until he himself chooses recovery. Should he choose recovery,
and with a LOT of hard work, he can and will build new pathways.
Until that time, ......................... well you get the idea. This is a 'one man show'
and he is the only one who can effect the change.
So, what can you do for you? Continue in the mode you have been, No Contact.
I know this can be difficult. My sister has conveyed to me just how hard for her
it was to 'leave me be' out in California and not have contact with me. She said
she did a lot of praying and went on with living her life with her family. Even after
I found recovery, it still took about 5 years before she and I started to have a
relationship again.
I am happy to say we are extremely close now many years later. As much as
you love your brother, your family is what will keep you strong.
Of course, you do not want your brother 'mad' at you and 'blaming' you but that
is what addicts do. What he has said to your mother is PURE MANIPULATION to
get her and hopefully you to feel sorry for him, and thus without realizing it
start to 'enable' him. IF he chooses to go back to using upon leaving the hospital
it is HIS CHOICE. No one, not you, not your mom, etc can make him pick up
the drug. Now he may use one or both of you as HIS EXCUSE but you do not have
to ACCEPT that as it is not true.
So, personally, I would love my brother from afar, as deep down somewhere in
there he still knows you love him, it's just that the 'addition voice' is telling him
otherwise so that he will keep using.
You might want to try some Naranon or Alanon meetings for you. It will help
YOU to figure YOU out and understand yourself and your feelings about your
brother. You might also want to get a copy of "Co Dependent No More" by
Melodie Beattie (fairly cheap on Amazon) and maybe a copy for your mom if
you think she might be receptive.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very
much! Also feel free to ask all the questions that come to mind, we've got lots
amf lots of folks here with lots and lots of experience.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
I think you and your husband have figured it out. Your brother has made decisions and so has your family. Self doubt and re-examination of the decision is expected, but because another person(s) does not agree with it, does not make it wrong.
As a 47 year old husband, I decided to drink heavily every night. One day I decided to think of my family and my health. I was tired of being selfish. Is it hard? Everyday.
But the way I look at it is if you put a grain of sand in a temble, eventually it will be full. If something knocks it over, you start over again.
I am not trying to oversimplify your situation. Addicaiton is complicated. I know for me the hard part was not stopping the behaviour, it's remembering how to live without alcohol.
I hear different saying almost daily and todays was "Hope for the best, but expect the worse".
Hang in there,
Toss
As a 47 year old husband, I decided to drink heavily every night. One day I decided to think of my family and my health. I was tired of being selfish. Is it hard? Everyday.
But the way I look at it is if you put a grain of sand in a temble, eventually it will be full. If something knocks it over, you start over again.
I am not trying to oversimplify your situation. Addicaiton is complicated. I know for me the hard part was not stopping the behaviour, it's remembering how to live without alcohol.
I hear different saying almost daily and todays was "Hope for the best, but expect the worse".
Hang in there,
Toss
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I am really sorry for your situation. The only thing that you can do is take care of yourself and your family.
The saying "detaching with love" is always the way that I try and go......I know that if and when I am dealing with someone in active addiction that I am going to have strong boundaries in place. No contact is often the safest way to go.
If I haven't gotten to the "no contact" point then I hope that I remember to ask myself the following questions before I respond....is it necessary, is it kind, and is it true?
A year and a half ago I was posting about the guilt that I was feeling about leaving a relationship. A wise member her asked me to list all of the things that I was feeling guilty about...and then ask what my ex did to contribute to the situation. That helped me to lift the burden of guilt.
Again, I'm really sorry that you are experiencing this but you know that taking care of you is the right thing to do.
The saying "detaching with love" is always the way that I try and go......I know that if and when I am dealing with someone in active addiction that I am going to have strong boundaries in place. No contact is often the safest way to go.
If I haven't gotten to the "no contact" point then I hope that I remember to ask myself the following questions before I respond....is it necessary, is it kind, and is it true?
A year and a half ago I was posting about the guilt that I was feeling about leaving a relationship. A wise member her asked me to list all of the things that I was feeling guilty about...and then ask what my ex did to contribute to the situation. That helped me to lift the burden of guilt.
Again, I'm really sorry that you are experiencing this but you know that taking care of you is the right thing to do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
How do I tell him that I won't have anything to do with him anymore?
If you feel the need to tell him you can simply say I love you and always will but I will not take a front row seat and watch you slowly kill yourself. I am sorry for what your doing through.
If you feel the need to tell him you can simply say I love you and always will but I will not take a front row seat and watch you slowly kill yourself. I am sorry for what your doing through.
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