Patsy22

My partner recently died after several months in hospital and the end was dreadful largely as his family blamed me and made it difficult for me to see him (we had lived together for 8 years!) and effectively banned me from the funeral. I am so so lonely and I find myself talking to his photo until late at night. I suppose it is natural to remember the good times but he trashed my house, wrecked my career, has left me financially very unstable, lost us lots of friends, etc, etc and his dysfunctional family have told his friends who I never really got to know as they lost him when he was drinking and only bothered to make an effort when he died that we had split up so I have had no condolences from them whatsoever. He discharged himself from hospital here and went to convalesce miles away with his parents and apparently told them I had refused to have him although he told the doctors and me that we were marrying. I understand he wasn't of sound mind by then but it is really eating me up and making me angry that I feel guilty for letting him down when logically it is the other way round. Also that my life is in bits and nobody seems to care because all my friends and family saw him as a total abusive loser. It may seem selfish, but when will I feel better?

dollydo

My husband died from cancer, it took 12 long years, it was hell for both of us. When he died, it was both a relief and a process of grieving, I can't tell you how long I grieved, all I know is that I had to work through my feelings, however long it took and I did.

There are forums that deal directly with grief, you might want to google and see what you find.

There is nothing more you could have done for your ABF, he was the captain of his own ship...called the SS Life, he stood at the wheel and steered the ship in the direction he chose, you did not.

I feel your pain, give yourself time, this too will pass.

Patsy22

Thank you dollydo, you have given me lots of sage advice recently. I just feel so miserable. I expected him to pass on one day but not just yet and I never expected his family to behave like this and my own to treat it as a blessing because it means I am rid of him. I loved him whatever and I know he loved me although his family's actions are making me question my good memories of him. They knew he drank but never helped but when he died they suddenly took him back and I became an outcast. I try so hard to be positive and I know that when he was sober he was a lovely man (but aren't they all) buthe was so irresponsible and the mountain I have to climb seems insurmountable. It is nearly 1am here and I have to be up by 8 but know I won't sleep till about 4. Sorry, I accept many are far worse off than me and I am so sorry for your pain with your husband. My ABF was in hospital from last August so it should have been expected but because his family only let me see him irregularly when he went away I didn't know how quickly how he deteriorated and naively thought he would come home and things would be ok.

LifeRecovery

I don't know if it helps or not but in the community I live in they have a Grief Group that meets for 13 weeks multiple times a year. This is a recovery forum for people grieving death, divorce etc but it is is a specific program. I did the book on my own and got a lot from it The Grief Recovery Program. Here it is through Hospice, but it is multinational. I think there is a small fee but no one I know has not gotten a lot out of it.

AnvilheadII

Sorry, I accept many are far worse off than me

patsy, your story is yours, the pain and loss you feel are as real and valid as any other. dolly has a very good suggestion to seek out grief support.

i'm not sure the goal should be to "feel better" as much as simply learning to incorporate the time you had and the loss into all that makes you you. I lost my mom due to alcoholism back when I was in my early 30's. we never had that death bed lifetime movie closure. I was left with tons of unanswered questions as my mom had never been big on TRUTH.

I had to accept that I would never get some of those answers. that there were things I would never know. and perhaps in the universe's wisdom there was a reason I was not privy to those answers.

I lost my first ex husband, my daughter's dad, to cancer in 2001. my baby (in college at the time) lost her dad. I couldn't stop that, or fix that. I still miss him, he was my co-conspirator in the adventure known as parenthood. I still have his card in my rolodex. and his last fishing license taped to the wall in my office. with my daughter's permission my current husband hank now has brian's tackle box.

life goes on. we the living must get busy LIVING with as much passion as our departed would if they were granted ONE more day. they may no longer be with us here on this physical plane of existence, but they remain forever in our hearts, and in our stories.

time takes time, hon.

Tuffgirl

Patsy, my best friend died 4 months ago and I think about her everyday. It's ok to grieve. As a matter of fact, its healthy to grieve! And like you, I was emotional for a long time, but it was a roller coaster of emotions. Some days, I'd be really mad - because damn it, we were supposed to grow old together and watch our kids grow up and have grandbabies and play at the park with them like we did our own babies! Some days, I'd just be overwhelmed with sadness that I lost a person who has been a part of my life for 25 years. And I am only 41!!! There is no way through this but through it.

Two books that helped early on:
The Grief Club, by Melody Beattie
Life Lessons, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Be extra gentle with yourself right now. Prayers from me tonight!
~T