FireSprite

RAH & I are going through what I think is more of a difference of perspective than anything. By that I mean sometimes when we disagree I can see where we each think we're handling the situation properly only to end up arguing because the other person's 'definition' was different than our own.

He still struggles so much with juggling all these balls in the air: Finding work (just started a new job last week, yay), working toward a longer-term career (has been working an internship for about 2 months but had to cut back for paying work obviously), taking on side work because we have a mountain of financial issues to resolve... even when it means working 2 full shifts back to back for 2-3 days at a time, making time for his sobriety/meetings, getting personal time (which is most important right after his meetings because that's when he seems to download everything & process all that he's absorbed and probably to wallow just a bit), family time with me & DD, rebuilding the damaged parts of our relationship as a couple.

It's a lot, I can see that. I know a 'normal' person can prioritize, realize Rome wasn't built in a day & see the long road it's going to take. I think he gets that in theory, but in day-to-day he seems to struggle with operating in any way other than crisis mode.... meaning that he's only ever really dealing with the squeaky wheel, not stepping back seeing how it all fits into the big picture. And because his paycheck/financial issues seem to tie directly to his Ego, it's the first thing to get attention always.

While I realize how uber-important our financial issues are, I think family time is as or more important.... we can't always work toward 'someday' because NOW is really important too. Yes, getting everything 'fixed' is the ideal goal, but watching him sacrifice night after night of sleep isn't helping him deal with anything any better. (In fact, it really scrambles him & makes everything worse.) It frustrates me, especially when it feels like every other squeaky wheel gets pushed ahead of me & our relationship..... but I'm not supposed to complain because he's sober now & that makes everything ok & getting better.

So I got to wondering.... am I expecting something he's incapable of right now? I want him to have better balance but I don't want to assume that he's capable of it & get angry when he doesn't manage better. At 18 months clean, is his brain still 'unfogging' itself? Something I read said that the 'early' recovery stage can last 5 years.... is it specific to the drinker depending on how much/long they drank before getting sober? He had issues with ADD & depression & anxiety well before his alcoholism & I wonder if any of that plays a part in this uphill battle too?

AnvilheadII

but I'm not supposed to complain because he's sober now & that makes everything ok & getting better.

where's that rule written again???

maybe it's all about presentation...i think you as his partner have some valid concerns about him going full tilt like his britches are on fire. i know with my husband i often have to be that second set of "eyes" to see what he sometimes doesn't see. i'm sure in recovery he's heard about HALT...to never let ourselves get too
HUNGRY
ANGRY
LONELY
TIRED

i suspect if your sweetie is pulling back to back shifts 2-3 days a week and all the other things you mention, he's probably hitting at least 2 outta 4 - hungry and tired. self care is EXTREMELY important in recovery, early mid or late! if he has also suffered from ADD symptoms, depression and/or anxiety i can't stress enough the importance of a balanced schedule and good healthy eating habits.
going full tilt (stress) and not eating right causes the blood sugars to go wonky, then the synapses start to misfire, patience goes out the window and good decision making is impossible.

i think if it were me i'd probably approach it from a place of love and friendship...rather than from a sense of lack or getting dissed on face time. baby (or Joe or Dude....) i really appreciate all the hard work and effort you are putting into everything right now, but i also worry that you might be overdoing it a bit and trying to accomplish too much all at once. etc etc....maybe bring up HALT. if you are so inclined, perhaps ask him how you can help with his schedule or perhaps the two of you sit down and go over the financial plan. maybe suggest family night.

i guess my point is as a couple you two can find ways to work thru anything if you remember you are on the same team!!!

Tuffgirl

There is no set "stage" for any one person. And I wonder, given what you describe, if your husband suffers from a lack of effective time management skills rather than anything related to sobriety. I had to be reminded constantly that my XAH had much different skills than I have, like juggling and multi-tasking and setting priorities. There were so many WTF? moments as he had to learn how to do what to me seemed like basic stuff. So yes, you may be expecting too much from him right now.

You don't have to not say anything (and not complain) to keep him happy in early sobriety. But you may want to consider your own priorities before you have a talk with him. Keep in mind - and this is a generalization so guys out here don't jump on me for this one - but to him, finances may be his top priority right now because he needs to take care of his family again. That's what men (in general) do. He may have no clue how to "fix" your relationship but he can fix the finances! Make sense? It may be the one area that he can handle and that allows him to rebuild some self esteem and hence, throwing himself into it with both feet!

And don't forget to HALT yourself too - I found there were times that I felt shortchanged in my XAH's life when really I was one of the HALT's (and my H includes HORMONAL, too). Not to minimize your feelings about that - but sometimes, we can make mountains out of molehills ourselves without realizing why.

LexieCat

I've always been a horrible multi-tasker/juggler, and at four and a half years sober THAT hasn't gotten any better. I've sort of relaxed about it (though the consequences still sometimes stress me out)--I always feel like I SHOULD be better at it. In fact, though, we all have different skill sets, as TG pointed out. I'm very good at many things, but juggling/multi-tasking ain't one of them. Thankfully, I live alone so my shortcomings tend not to affect others so much. I suspect when I have ten years of sobriety, or fifteen (God willing) I will still be the same way in that department.

FireSprite

Yes, you guys have nailed it exactly. Definitely time-management issues, he's always had that to contend with. (& if I'm not mistaken can actually be tied to his ADD?)

I forgot something as simple as HALT. (face/palm) I've only ever heard of it here & didn't realize they use it in AA too (duh, lol). I manage ok for the most part, but my patience & disposition run thin after days & days of dealing with the buildup of stress. He goes through such an obvious pattern - run full tilt until he runs himself dry & then suffer from exhaustion & anxiety in turns until he recoups some time & energy. He's sleep-deprived himself enough at this point that he literally can't sleep for more than 4-5 hours without waking. He also has severe back/hip problems which I can see worsening from the physical wear & tear & stress.

And yes again - his Ego is not just associated but immersed with his need/desire to be the breadwinner again. There's a part of his self-identity that is finely tied to that need in a way that I don't necessarily understand but can respect.

More often than not as his anxiety skyrockets, his communication plummets equally so then I find myself reacting instead of remaining detached. I follow a pretty simple pattern too - start out supportive, understanding & flexible & by the end I'm reacting to his poor communication & lack of time/organization. It's kind of like watching someone ram headfirst over & over into the same wall & stay confused about why they're bleeding.

I do my fair share of complaining but I do my best to stay level & not argue, just talk. He really seems to listen & understand my frustrations he just can't seem to climb out of this rut of how he handles things. I'm going to try to talk to him again tonight.

Thanks for the insights!

AnvilheadII

I'm going to try to talk to him again tonight.

feed him first!!!

FireSprite

DD & I made strawberry pie last night from fresh berries AND I bought his favorite Thin Mints.

fluffyflea

First year anyway is early recovery.

LifeRecovery

Slightly off topic but there are some great resources out there on ADD by Ned Hallowell and Melissa Orlov. Ned lives with ADD and Melissa married someone with ADD and they have a lot of great information.

I think both my parents grew up in alcoholic homes, but my brother lived with ADHD growing up (and I worry at times that he struggles with substances). My loved one who struggled with alcohol also struggled with ADD.

I have learned that I don't always know where the alcohol behavior stops and the ADD behavior starts. I have/had a tendancy to group all of the behavior together and I had unfair expectations around them both. Here has helped with understanding addiction, other work has helped with ADD (and to help me sort out a little better why I do what I do with it). Both have helped give me some perspective.

That sounds like a challenge for both of you....but something you are both working hard at.