Girlonfire525

Ugh. Where do I begin. I've been lurking around this site for the past six months. Never intentionally, but my google searches always led me to a thread. I'd end up lost in my own world reading, and reading. Trying to find what I wanted to be reading. But never have. I've come to realize that's because it doesn't exist. There is no quick fix. So here's my story.

I'm a 33 yr old mother of four amazing children and a "stay at home mom". My addiction started right around two years ago. My mother and father are both addicts in every sense of the word. There was a time not too long ago that I wouldn't touch a pill in fear of ending up like one of them. Then I started to have chronic chest pain. Went to doctor after doctor until I was finally given a diagnosis of "chronic costochondritis". The doctor that gave me that diagnosis set me up with another doctor so I could get injections, and be pain free. What a joke. That doctor wrote me script after script of 5mg oxycodone. I was desperate to be out of pain, so I started taking it. I quickly realized that I was far more productive taking those little white pills. About a year after that I was taking more then I should be. The doctor was eager to bump me up to 10mg oxycodone; every 4 to 6 hours for pain. I ended up taking all of them month after month in less then a week and buying 30mg oxycodones off the streets. At first I'd break one in quarters. Then about 4 months ago started taking two, three, sometimes four at a time. No less then four a day. Usually I was right around 8 a day but there had been days where I'd take the better part of ten. Three and a half weeks ago I came clean with my husband. I took my last 30 on January 30th at 7am. Was in full blown withdrawal by dinner time. Don't remember much of Thursday. Thursday night my mother gave my husband a halfof an 8mg sub. Miracle, I thought! The next day I bought two from the same guy I got the 30s from. Then he ran out and I still felt like crap. Scared I wouldn't be able to care for my kids, I got my script of tens filled. I took 65 of them in three days. That was last Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. My "running buddy" gave me two more subs Friday morning. I took half Friday morning, half Friday night. Half Saturday morning, and half Saturday night. Here I sit on Tuesday. I haven't had anything since Saturday night. So, three days. I don't feel as bad as I did those first two days three weeks ago, but I don't feel good either. All I want to do is hide in the bedroom under the blankets. When will I start to feel like myself again??

Spinach

Glad you found here, sorry you had chondritis that can be horrid .
Keep popping in here and focus on what you want . I guess it's better to never give up giving up than straight back. Would it be feasible to get help from your Dr, I know swapping one drug for another might not seem the best but I think you really need some distance from your oxy presently. We've all had some difficulty and many come back again but you've found here. Good luck.
John.

Girlonfire525

I flushed what I had left when I realized what I was doing to myself, again. The physical pain seems like a small price to pay to be free of this vicious cycle.

lilyrosemary

Hey Girl...i am not sure if i can help at all with what you have going on right now...i have never had to detox but it sounds like the worst of it has passed? i am sorry i just don't know, but what i can say is i do completely understand. i went through the pills, too. i had an alcohol/pill problem, used every day...it was basically my reason for existing. what worked for me was in-patient treatment. that was three years ago. i know how you feel when you are used to ingesting a substance to feel normal, but when you can be off of the pills once and for all, you will have a new normal...pill-free. can you check into a hospital or similar? i also understand the stress of raising a family...i used the entire time i was raising my kids and i can never never have a do-over but i sure wish i would have gotten help when they were home with me. God's hand in my life, even when i had nothing to do with Him, has given each one a good life and they all love me but i am sure they would have rather had me 100% when they were little. I wish the best for you.

Muzzwell

Hi, welcome and thank you for sharing. I am an alcoholic, but basically comes down to the same thing. As far as the pain goes, you need proper advice and I would definitely consider coming clean to your doctor about the misuse of these prescribed drugs. It is not uncommon especially with powerful pain killers. You also need to be very careful about withdrawal (you are past 3 days) that is usually the time when the worse physical effects take place. You might want to consider getting blood work done to check liver function etc.. Have you looked into alternate approaches to help with pain? Also one thing that was explained to me by an expert. An addict usually has a set balanced consumption of a drug. This obviously will always be progressive. But one you start stopping and starting you will spike patterns instead of a steady flow consumption pattern. This is because everything gets out of balance. respiratory system, metabolism, haematology etc... That is why when consumption is resumed people often consume more than usual. Also why a lot of heroine addicts OD. It is great you are here, but I would recommend you get professional help with the pain management in relation to having this experience. I wish you well, keep knocking on doors till you get the answers you need.

Dee74

Welcome to SR

I have no experience with these drugs but I know others will - you'll find support here.
Do also check out our substance abuse forum as well:

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

Girlonfire525

Thank you both very much. I was going to go to in patient rehab but wanted to give it a good try in my own first. My youngest and second youngest both have birthdays coming in the next few weeks. I want to be here AND healthy to celebrate with them. It doesn't really seem to be getting any worse. More like at a stand still. No worse, no better. If I can't do it on my own with the support of my family, I will go to my doctor. I want to be free of it so bad and have for a very long time. Today I'm lethargic, achy, and shaky. The sweats have for the most part stopped, along with the intense chills. No more bathroom issues, and I have yet to actually vomit. I guess what I'm curious of is a few honest opinions of when the worst will be behind me. I know its different for each person. I've talked to people that have been doing this triple the amount of time that I have been and they say the worst is over in a week, while I've read posts that some people feel withdrawals for months and years.

Anna

I think you made a good decision and I really hope that you feel better soon.

Girlonfire525

Thanks so much for the link. I'm hoping to find some SUCCESS stories!!

Girlonfire525

Thanks so much @Anna!! I NEED the support like I need air, from people that can relate. People that have walked miles in the same shoes, and have shed just as many tears. I REALLY do want this sober life. I'm just so scared that I'm never going to feel "well" again.

SullyS

After 3 -5 days I think you should be in the clear physically. I saw that you had taken some suboxone and in my experience the withdrawal from that stuff lasted a lot longer and was much more brutal but from what I got, you didn't take tons of it so thats a good thing.

As hard is it may be I want to emphasize focusing on the one very very positive thing that I saw out of this story.....You have been without pills for 4 days now on your own! That is amazing and impressive. The hardest part of the detox is almost over if not passed completely. Now I would definitely recommend getting to a meeting so you van meet people that will help you stay stopped!

Muzzwell

Physical withdrawal should not last more then days, I would say if after a week if you are shaking, sweating, with nausea get help and quick. Another option is asking the doctor to help you with home detox. I did this. (I live in Holland). Basically a sedative and anti nausea drug. (They are given only for a 4 day period). Also diet is important, drink lots of water and if you have keep your blood sugar in check. Chocolate is good for this. I was advised to eat little and often as well. Hang in there.

Girlonfire525

@SullyS, in total I took 5 and a half over three ans a half weeks (suboxone). I quickly realiEd two things. 1) they made me feel too well 2) I needed to endure the physical pain so I wouldnt soon forget it. Thanks for the encouraging words. They truly touched my heart.

@Muzzwell, the doctors here in The United States don't generally help with at home detox. Especially primary care doctors. I've checked into at home resources and the only thing within fifty miles of me is a suboxone clinic that only accepts cash. Doctors that only accept cash worry me, and again I don't think the suboxone is absolutely necessary. I'm past the point of feeling like I'm going to die. Just very uncomfortable.

Muzzwell

You are over the worse, hang on to this change with both hands and don't look back.

Girlonfire525

That's the plan. I'm hanging in with all ten fingers and toes, and my teeth too!!!

Spinach

Keep on. You would be right to think the physical withdrawal should be over within a few days,
With alcohol sweet things help, I think support and keeping busy when you can will help .
How's your partner coping ? Is he able to support you.
John

Girlonfire525

Yes, he is very supportive. He doesn't understand it though. He thinks he does. Lol. Tries his best, but he admittedly doesn't know how I feel. I want to flash forward and have this all behind me.

Spinach

Go too quick and you might just forget, best sit this out for the last time , I hope you'll be out the other side soon.
John.

Girlonfire525

Very true. Thank you so much.

Spinach

Just keep popping in here whilst you still need help.
All the best.
John