Lily1918

I totally relapsed you guys. It sucks!!!!! thanks in advance for letting me vent. so after the visit on Saturday, he said he would call me this week to say hello and whatnot. cool right? WRONG. I sat by the darn phone (metaphorically it is a cell but you know what I mean) ALL flippin day today!!!! arggg!!!! I only got 1/4 of my housework done. My laundry is still piled up, my floors still need mopped I checked my phone every two seconds and wouldn't let it out of my sight. even to take a bath. I make myself sick. ugh. I mean who waits around ALL day for a 5 min call from a dude in rehab!?!?!? does anyone else see how crazy that is??? He did call, at the time he said he would. He is doing well in his recovery, and his actions are changing. awesome. really. BUT... dude I spent all day until 5pm worried about whether or not the 5pm phone call would actually happen. He sensed my vexation and so I explained it, and he gets it thank god. I told him I love him and yes I am coming to the meeting on Sunday and yes I will see him 2 weeks after that. I don't lose my serenity when I go to see him because I am in control and I know that might be wrong but darn well is the truth. I am not healthy enough not to flip out about whether or not he will actually do what he says, and he has not had enough opportunities to prove he will do what he says. therefore I cut out what made me crazy. I would rather be sad and miss him because I can't stand obsessing. In my mind I feel that true recovery would be him promising something, not following through, and me not losing my serenity. well Im not there. so, the only answer I found was to cut out the promises. Even if he follows through on them. At least for the time being. If he really does make it out and about for a couple of months to his outside meetings and still hasn't relapsed in his own recovery... I will trust him more. But not yet. I will see him and talk to him on my terms for now. I am sick and tired of waiting around for him. I did it all through his relapse. It sucks. I just did it today even though he kept his promise and is doing well. Then obviously the issue with the obsessing is me. sorry this is so long. thanks for letting me get it out. I regret not talking to him until Sunday :,( I miss him and I wish I could get phone calls and not be obsessed but I just can't. tomorrow will be so much better because I took away the cause of this relapse, and I would rather miss him in a clean and pretty house than to have talked to him but go to bed in a dirty one. can you imagine if he HAD failed and didn't call??? I would have cried myself to sleep and not gotten anything done until he did. It could have been days!!! ugh!!! for 5 min!?!? really!?!?!? NO WAY. no calls. not until I can handle it. I will let him try again maybe a month from now, and if the same thing happens, no calls. Im so glad he seems to understand that this is about me and my obsessing problem and "gets it" Its not that I don't want to talk to him, I do. A LOT. not ok.
I always crave him when he's in recovery cuz he's actually awesome. when he's using its whatever cuz he's using. He's in active addiction who wants to be around a guy who smokes heroin? But now he is so much more desirable. He keeps his promises he goes to work. He chooses to stay in the SA when he doesn't have to for any legal reasons. He wants it. and it makes me want him more and I just need to get further in my recovery first. Thanks again for letting me vent. Im telling myself its just a relapse. Its gonna be ok. tomorrow I will begin again. I removed the "drug" and now its just a matter of battling the doubt and regret. I keep telling my self "I am not crazy, I am codependent. I am changing the things I can"

dollydo

That is why no contact was good for my growth and allowed me to focus on my program, so that I could get healthy.

Lily1918

thank you for your reply dollydo. Im starting to understand. this morning I feel a little regret I asked him not to call, but so much more peace