KittenBoo

I know this is a phase and not one relegated only to relationships with addicts, but I was 'dumped' by my AXB a few weeks ago and although I feel it's the very best thing that could have happened in the past 8 mos. of hell with him, I'm still feeling angry.

I know that this is part of healing...the angry phase. I've been through it before, but this time for some reason it burns more. Maybe it's because I'm older (38) and maybe it's because I had to leave my husband last year due to his alcoholism. I had already fallen out of love with my AXH in 2011, so divorcing in 2012 I was ready to move on. I got divorced and then several months later , I fell hard for a younger man (32), but I should have run like hell after our first date.

I guess I am mostly angry at myself for making stupid 'young girl' mistakes and choices that I seem to have made 20 years ago. I thought I had learned, grown, matured, etc. but for some reason I am left feeling like I was dumped out of a car going 80mph onto the side of a sandy, rocky road and left to lie there to contemplate my choices. I feel torn up with road rash in that I feel stupid...I should know better.

I'm left angry and not trusting anything anymore. I don't want to cry and whine like a victim, but I feel taken for a ride for the past ten years between the relationship, marriage and now this new relationship. All I do know is that I said to my mom (who is really my step-mom, but is more a mother to me than my birthmother) that if I date anyone and they even like drinking a little or seem to like drinking in any way that indicates that they like it too much, use it to numb feelings, or anything of the sort- I will RUN.

I don't want anymore of my life wasted on other people's addiction problems. I never did try to fix or change my ex hub, nor this other guy. I wasn't codependent. I didn't try to control it or rely on their situation in some way to emotionally prop me up, so I am left even more to wonder why in the f*** I ever put myself through any of this?

Seriously...is there hope to find people who don't need alcohol, drugs or something else to either express their emotions as an adult or who do not need to numb out for some reason or to use it to de-stress? I've got to believe that there are others out there like me who could take or leave alcohol or drugs and really could not care less about either. WHERE ARE THEY?

Are they hiding under rocks far out of my reach? I just do not know how I will trust myself in the future trying to date anyone. I feel crappy, depressed and angry about life and humans and addictions and why people feel the need to bury their feelings down into a hole instead of dealing with emotions, issues and problems as they arise instead of being passive/aggressive, etc.

If anyone read my rant, thank you for listening.

ZiggyStardust91

Hang in there kitten. I recently went through a similar thing.

You just need to realize that you deserve better. I can't seem to find anyone without a self destructive habit either. Just hang in there and learn to respect and love yourself. You're worth it!

KittenBoo

Yes, for the first time in my life I have begun to have thoughts like what you just said ZiggyStardust91. I'm finally paying attention to what I want and telling myself it's fine to feel all these crappy feelings that I am feeling with hope that my self-discovery into my own happiness will come to the forefront as these other things fade into a distant memory.

Thanks for listening and letting me know I'm not the only one out there feeling angry and crappy at the moment.

KLM

Kitten, once again I am so relating to your post as I have with many others recently
I went to see an addiction specialist to talk about my AH recently and he told me that when my relationship ends with my AH, I will attract another addict. I'm not sure why but it does seem to be a pattern in others lives so now I need to be aware of it. Maybe this is happening to you? I don't have much experience with this but I'm
Sure others on the board will.
I hope your spirits pick up soon. Know that you are not alone.
Ill be thinking of you.

janiebluebird

KittenBoo, I highly enjoyed reading your rant! lol. I am out of faith when it comes to relationships at the moment myself. I don't even want to try anymore. I've decided to be on my own for a while. The thought of begining a new relationship makes my shutter right now. I was in a mutually alcoholic relationship last, so it was in my best interest for it to end, but I feel like I was taken for a ride and taken for granted by this person, who so badly wants to be my friend now. Nothing more annoying than that.

As for finding people who don't drink or drug, have you tried online dating? You can specifically search for people who don't, and indicate that you don't either. Its worth a shot when you're ready. I also highly recommend the book "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed. Its basically about a young woman whose life is seemingly unraveling and she says fxck it and goes out on a solo adventure (meets people along the way). Its great for when you're in this type of mind state.

I mostly find comfort in believing that there is a bigger plan for me, and thats why God took me off whatever path I was on. It only up to me to stay mentally, physically, and spiritually strong for whatever opportunities are going to come my way.

KittenBoo

Yes, KLM...I have attracted addicts my whole life, since age 18. Sad to say. There have been probably...let's see...3 men total who were not addicts in any way that I was involved with. I have to start concentrating on what I DO want in relationships, not what I DON'T and hope that that will lead me to the correct person for me.

Also, I'm not looking for anyone until I work more on me. Love me. Am happy in life with me.

Then, like I said, at the first sign of anything off, I am running. No excuses, no stories, no nothing. I will run the heck away if they show any sign of addiction(s). I don't want it in my life anymore. I am finally d-o-n-e.

I'll think of you as well KLM. Thanks.

dollydo

My bad choices in men directly related to my childhood, how I was raised and what I saw my mother do as a child.

Therapy and meetings got me on the right tract. I am finally at peace.

Keep working on you, there is an answer buried somewhere inside of you.

BUTTERCUP1971

I really relate to your rant, as I have been ranting all day solo to myself. I know better and fell for an addict even though I said I would never! He is in rehab now and detoxing and being mean. I know what I need to do. Your post helped me very much! Take care of you. xo

Live

There really are lots of clean and sober people out there.

I found mine when I was not looking and had no plans to be in a relationship.

Funny how it works out that way.

hopeful4

I am in a place where I have realized that I don't want anyone around me who drinks, at all. I have also realized that person may or may not exist. Either way, I am happy with me, who I am. I won't bend on this boundary in my life, ever. It is way too early for me to date, but this is something I have set in stone for the rest of my life (I am 39).

Hope you get through this soon.