Devushka25

So, when my bf found out i was using I was given an ultimatum. Obviously, clean up my act and also, find a new job by the end of the month so I'm not exposing myself to temptation. Fair enough. I have been sober since that conversation and actively looking for new jobs.
Now the thing is, he is very bossy. Not just now cause he's trying to hold me accountable to the deal we made, but always. I work late night shifts till 2-3, and he'll call me from work at 10-11 am, wake me up and ask me very condescendingly (he denies he's condescending. I'm going to start recording him or something cause he totally is.), anyways, he'll ask me very condescendingly what I plan to do with my day. If I don't say what he wants to hear, he'll respond with "I thought you said you were going to...." Or "really? Don't you think you should..." Or "I was really hoping you'd..." All said with that same tone! It drives me crazy!
I've learnt to answer him with what he wants to hear and lots if mhmms then do what I want anyway and make excuses later. I don't want to fight about it because I've tried to be open and honest with him about my feelings on this behaviour of his and I get nowhere. He denies he's condescending or bossy and claims he's just looking out for me. Keep in mind, he's been this way for a long time, not just cause he knows I was using.
I've tried standing up for myself and basically saying, "hey, I'm an adult. I can plan my day on my own. If I want to sleep all day, neglect the laundry and watch Real Housewives, that's my prerogative." But this attitude just pisses him off. Essentially, unless I just live to please him, I can't win.
And now that my addiction is out there and I've made this deal with him, he has something over me. The balance of power in this relationship is way out of whack. Don't get me wrong, he is a very sweet guy who goes out if his way for me all the time. I am grateful to have him in my life. But I need this one behaviour of his to change because its driving me insane and constantly undermines my own confidence in my self.

SullyS

I believe the AA, NA or CA literature refers to this as unmanageability. When we quit drinking or using, anything and everything pisses us off and in the end, it causes us to drink or use.

I personally feel like you have two options in this situation. The first is to abandon the relationship if all it is resulting in is anger and resentment. The second is to accept that he is like this and that he is like this as a result of your history as an addict. Just because you stopped using for a bit doesn't mean he needs to trust you right away.

It's frustrating and annoying and I know the frustration that comes with loved ones acting like this but we can't change our loved ones. We can only change ourselves. My experience has been that I can only change myself and earn peoples trust through working the 12 steps. Maybe your path will be different, that has been my experience.

Devushka25

That's the thing though. Like I said he's been like this for a loooong time. Before I was using even. Now that I was using and he found out, it's like kicked the bossiness into overdrive.
I don't want to abandon this relationship. We have a lot of good stuff that is working. People always tell us what a great couple we are. Our conflict resolution skills make our coupled friends jealous. But when it comes to this particular issue... I just can't make him see what he's doing.

And the other thing is, does he not get it? Obviously not. I'm quitting a regular cocaine habit and my body's clock is already geared to late nights...I'm ******* tired!!! Am I not allowed to be?

You're right about one thing. Everything and everyone IS pissing me off lately. I was thinking yesterday that I really just wanted to beat the hell out of something to make myself feel better. Anyone need some demolition done?

SullyS

I believe going to NA, CA or AA would help you a lot. We have all had similar experiences and we have a solution.