Patsy22

It's now nearly 6 weeks since my partner died and the funeral was only held on Friday. It was made quite clear that I wasn't wanted there so I stayed at our home and lit a candle for him at the local church instead. The undertaker sent me a copy of the order of service, I and his children from a previous wife weren't mentioned and it was so impersonal it seemed to be for a man I never knew. They had actually put a photo of his wedding photo to his last wife on it with her cropped off and from what they have said since he died I wonder if he was considering getting back with her. I think not considering his mental and physical state but his family seem to be trying to break me by putting these doubts into my mind and although I am hoping never to speak to them again it is spoiling even the good memories and making me feel there is no point.

Tuffgirl

Pasty, death does weird things to families. I watched it with my friends family - the need to find someone, something to blame. Her service completely left out her ex-husband, whom they decided was to blame for introducing her to alcohol to begin with, and then for having boundaries with her in regards to their son when she really started to act irresponsibly. Having been there during those days, I can assure you he wasn't the culprit. Based on her service, you would have never known he was the love of her life. Heck, you wouldn't have known she had even married. But I knew.

I know my truth, and you know yours. Don't let others and their dysfunctional ways of coping make you doubt your truth. You were there, up until the very end. You know who this man was and what his life meant to both of you. Keep your faith in that, and ignore his family and their shenanigans.

Prayers,
~T

dollydo

Only he knows the real truth, trying to figure it out will only adversely affect you, he is gone.

Try and put this in the past, life is for the living, it goes on.

I know that you are grieving, this will all take some time, be kind to yourself.

Patsy22

Thank you. I just can't really understand how these people who had known me for 8 years - long after he had started abusing alcohol - and who were so pleased when I finally got him to admit he had a problem and get help, have just closed ranks and are making life so much worse for me when I am trying to come to terms with my loss. They never came to visit him but they are making out they were the centre of his world. I cannot comprehend someone behaving like that. It almost makes me think that being brought up in that family contributed to his alcohol abuse.

outonalimb

(((((((((((Patsy)))))))))))

I am so sorry. I know you're very hurt and I can understand why. I'm sure his family is probably hurting very much too. It's just so sad. The only way I can deal with and let go of things people have done to hurt me is to pray for them. Pray for them and try to forgive them. The things they did/said can only hurt you if you let them.

No one can take your memories from you or tarnish those memories unless you let them. Cherish your memories and be really kind a loving to yourself right now. You're grieving. It's a process. But it won't last forever. You'll never forget your partner but it will get easier. The best way you can honor his memory is to go on and live a happy life. He would want that for you if he loved you at one time and I"m sure he did.

Hugs and sympathy,
Mary

Patsy22

I know it is important not to be bitter as it will only hurt me now but they have taken his material things away already and now they are taking my memories.

outonalimb

(((((((Patsy))))))))

They can't take your memories.
They can't take them and they can't corrupt them unless you let them.
Is there any reason you have to have any contact with them at all?

Patsy22

Hopefully not although, even though they have no more right to his material possessions than I do, they claim to be acting on behalf of his children by taking them back. It is obvious from their behaviour though that it is more their own greed. They came down to collect things on Saturday last week and their screeching that I wasn't welcome at his funeral, as if I didn't already know, was heard by all my neighbours, who have been lovely and really supportive. I am worrying I will hear from a lawyer as they think I am hiding more things so I dread the post coming. He owed me a lot of money because of the damage he had done to my home and the bills he hadn't contributed to but I am accepting that I will never get that now as they have all his monetary things of value. I am currently not working due to illness of my own but for my own peace of mind I just want to get them out of my life and rebuild it without their cancerous presence. I am so grateful for my own friends and family who have been totally wonderful during these awful last few months and even complete strangers while his family who should have stood by me have been like this. Sorry to run on.

Patsy22

I forgot to say in my rant that before he got really ill in the end my partner really didn't want drink any more and I had to hide his family's behaviour from him. I would be so sorry for him to know how they have been because he couldn't understand why for example I had to stay in hotels when I visited him when I had stayed with his parents loads of times. Times like this really do bring out peoples' true personalities unfortunately.