Road to Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
Road to Recovery
My husband has recently started methadone treatment and while I know it's not a perfect solution, nor are our problems magically fixed... I feel (cautiously) optimistic. We have a blended family and our marriage/home life definitely suffered due to his addiction. We both agree that rebuilding the foundation of our marriage is essential to getting our family back on track. Other than individual/marriage counseling, I was going to see if anyone had any recommendations for books/workbooks that we could check out. I've already read Codependent No More and we are planning to start attending NA/Al-Anon. Thanks in advance!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I will focus on you, here are a few books to read:
Codependency Recovery Robert Burney
Women Who Love Too Much Robin Norwood
Read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.
Methadone is a bandaid,a prescribed managed drug vrs a street drug, the real work has not begun, he needs to get and stay off the drugs, period and hop on the recovery train for life. His foundation needs to be rebuilt before your marriage can be rebuilt. Not my rules, just how it works, addicts both while using and in early recovery make for lousy partners and parents.
Take this time to focus on you, get to Naranon meetings...for you. Let him seek his own recovery program and follow through by going to meeting, seeking councilling and so on. There is no "we" in recovery, it is all up to him.
Best of Luck, hope this all works out as you would like it to.
Codependency Recovery Robert Burney
Women Who Love Too Much Robin Norwood
Read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.
Methadone is a bandaid,a prescribed managed drug vrs a street drug, the real work has not begun, he needs to get and stay off the drugs, period and hop on the recovery train for life. His foundation needs to be rebuilt before your marriage can be rebuilt. Not my rules, just how it works, addicts both while using and in early recovery make for lousy partners and parents.
Take this time to focus on you, get to Naranon meetings...for you. Let him seek his own recovery program and follow through by going to meeting, seeking councilling and so on. There is no "we" in recovery, it is all up to him.
Best of Luck, hope this all works out as you would like it to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
So I know I'm new to this and all. I'm really making every effort to be as realistic about this whole situation, our future, etc. However, I guess I'm just a little confused. I realize that there's a lot that both of us need to work on, individually. There are no naranon meetings in my area, so alanon is the only option for face to face meetings. I'm starting therapy for myself. My husband is attending NA meetings and doing individual therapy as well.
I do realize that methadone isn't a permanent fix, as does he. This was somewhat of a Hail Mary pass since other attempts weren't working out. I know that it will be a difficult process eventually being free from all substances, legal or not. However, for the first time in years, I am able to have an honest, open conversation with my husband. I am able to tell him everything he has put me, us, our kids through. He's being honest with me. Sorry if I seem to have rose colored glasses on, but it does seem like this is a step in the right direction.
I know that ultimately his recovery is in his hands, but I don't understand why it's not ok to work on our marriage. We are fully committed to each other and to our kids and I feel that we would be remiss to completely focus on our individual well being and put our marriage, which is essentially the foundation of our family on the backburner. He and I are most definitely taking care of ourselves. If he's willing and wanting to work on "us" too, I don't understand why that would be a bad idea?
I do realize that methadone isn't a permanent fix, as does he. This was somewhat of a Hail Mary pass since other attempts weren't working out. I know that it will be a difficult process eventually being free from all substances, legal or not. However, for the first time in years, I am able to have an honest, open conversation with my husband. I am able to tell him everything he has put me, us, our kids through. He's being honest with me. Sorry if I seem to have rose colored glasses on, but it does seem like this is a step in the right direction.
I know that ultimately his recovery is in his hands, but I don't understand why it's not ok to work on our marriage. We are fully committed to each other and to our kids and I feel that we would be remiss to completely focus on our individual well being and put our marriage, which is essentially the foundation of our family on the backburner. He and I are most definitely taking care of ourselves. If he's willing and wanting to work on "us" too, I don't understand why that would be a bad idea?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I think the idea is that is that you work separate recoveries - he works his recovery from addiction. You work your recovery from codependence. Once you both have those issues under control (which takes months, not weeks) THEN you work together on your marriage.
2 healthy people working on relationship = healthy relationship
2 sick people working on a relationship = sick relationship, no matter how hard they work on it.
No one is suggesting don't work on your marriage. But they are suggesting that you are both in a healthy place when you do it. It's just a recommendation.
I try to keep my mind open when I come to SR so that I can consider different perspectives and alternative ideas to what I might think. Then I can make decisions from a position that is well-informed. In the end, I am solely responsible for my own life and my own decisions.
2 healthy people working on relationship = healthy relationship
2 sick people working on a relationship = sick relationship, no matter how hard they work on it.
No one is suggesting don't work on your marriage. But they are suggesting that you are both in a healthy place when you do it. It's just a recommendation.
I try to keep my mind open when I come to SR so that I can consider different perspectives and alternative ideas to what I might think. Then I can make decisions from a position that is well-informed. In the end, I am solely responsible for my own life and my own decisions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
I'm completely open to suggestions. I just guess I'm confused as to what you do with the marriage while the individuals are getting healthy. Obviously it has been neglected during the period of addiction. I just don't like the idea of pushing the attention away from it even longer.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Regarding the marriage counseling; my husband and I started this when he and I had both been in individual counseling about 6 weeks. It worked well for us, and I would not change a thing.
This is my opinion only, but I think Alanon is where you are taught that you need to work separate recoveries, stay on your side of the street, and not work on joint recovery. I say this because .. all of the feedback I received from those in the 12 step programs (alanon) was that I was making a mistake not focusing entirely upon myself while he focused entirely upon himself for a LONG period of time. However, both our therapist encouraged the marriage counseling…. His therapist even said, and my husband agrees… working on our marriage and all the pain and regret that he felt…. It helped him heal faster. It was definitely good for me.
It is great to hear others people’s opinions, and experiences, but don’t let that ultimately guide your decision in this area. I do believe your husband needs to have some stability, and have a personal outlet (his therapist) to work through feelings… And you also need to have your emotions in check and have an outlet to discuss your private feelings.. it can get intense at times...but other than that.. I think whenever you are both ready to be open, honest, and put in the time.. your good to go.
This is my opinion only, but I think Alanon is where you are taught that you need to work separate recoveries, stay on your side of the street, and not work on joint recovery. I say this because .. all of the feedback I received from those in the 12 step programs (alanon) was that I was making a mistake not focusing entirely upon myself while he focused entirely upon himself for a LONG period of time. However, both our therapist encouraged the marriage counseling…. His therapist even said, and my husband agrees… working on our marriage and all the pain and regret that he felt…. It helped him heal faster. It was definitely good for me.
It is great to hear others people’s opinions, and experiences, but don’t let that ultimately guide your decision in this area. I do believe your husband needs to have some stability, and have a personal outlet (his therapist) to work through feelings… And you also need to have your emotions in check and have an outlet to discuss your private feelings.. it can get intense at times...but other than that.. I think whenever you are both ready to be open, honest, and put in the time.. your good to go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
Thanks... It's nice to hear feedback from ones that have gone down this road before. We're just now starting to have real communication... As opposed to him just telling me what I want to hear and being momentarily pacified. Just that alone has helped both of us tremendously. This is definitely one of those times in life when I wish there was an instruction manual. I keep having to remind myself that no matter how much I research, my husband and I are two different people with our own marriage and have to keep in mind that our experience is unique. Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
hello and welcome to SR....please dont listen to anyone tell you not to work on your marriage...period. there is nothing wrong with you being supportive of your husband while he is in recovery and going to marriage counseling as well. my husband is in rehab...and he has done a lot of horrific things...and the rehab therapist strongly encourage the marriage counseling in addition to him getting help. you can never get enough help when going through something like this.
personally, i have found this to be very helpful, especially if you have made the decision to stay with your husband. what is helpful is also getting some therapy yourself...preferably with someone who specializes in addiction. it can help so much in taking care of you.
personally, i have found this to be very helpful, especially if you have made the decision to stay with your husband. what is helpful is also getting some therapy yourself...preferably with someone who specializes in addiction. it can help so much in taking care of you.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Justame711 
I'm completely open to suggestions. I just guess I'm confused as to what you do with the marriage while the individuals are getting healthy. Obviously it has been neglected during the period of addiction. I just don't like the idea of pushing the attention away from it even longer.
I'm not a fan of alternative treatments like methadone or suboxone.. My ex was on both of those and was just as addicted to those as he was the pills.. Though in his case he wasn't working a program.. Not even attempting one..
You know if my ex would have even attempted to try to stay clean and worked a program I might have stayed with him and not lost hope but he loved his drugs more then he loved me... I was the only one working a program ( for myself of course) and seeking individual counselling..Each situation is different but the most important hung here is to work on yourself..
The books dolly suggested are a good start, they really helped me in my recovery..
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