Going crazy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 465
Going crazy
Hi all.
After spending many hours navigating this site, I have decided to take the frightening and emotional step of joining, and for the first time, (somewhat) openly admitting that I am in over my head.
Drinking is a problem for me. Quitting-even worse. I don't know how many times I've quit and gone back over the past year. Today is day four, which tends to be one of the worst days for me. Today is the day that the anxiety seems to become insurmountable. It is the day that I still feel physically depleted, and yet my mind is racing so much so, that going back to my dysfunctional ways seems the lesser of two evils. It is the day that I see the avalanche around me, and wonder how I will ever clean up the mess. The physical misery is intolerable, but it seems like nothing compared to the shame, guilt, loss of time and productivity that has decimated my being over what I now know to be many years of my life. All of the pieces that need to be picked up...
I've read many inspiring stories on SR, and hope that I can join the league of strong individuals who have overcome their dark days.
~Be well.
After spending many hours navigating this site, I have decided to take the frightening and emotional step of joining, and for the first time, (somewhat) openly admitting that I am in over my head.
Drinking is a problem for me. Quitting-even worse. I don't know how many times I've quit and gone back over the past year. Today is day four, which tends to be one of the worst days for me. Today is the day that the anxiety seems to become insurmountable. It is the day that I still feel physically depleted, and yet my mind is racing so much so, that going back to my dysfunctional ways seems the lesser of two evils. It is the day that I see the avalanche around me, and wonder how I will ever clean up the mess. The physical misery is intolerable, but it seems like nothing compared to the shame, guilt, loss of time and productivity that has decimated my being over what I now know to be many years of my life. All of the pieces that need to be picked up...
I've read many inspiring stories on SR, and hope that I can join the league of strong individuals who have overcome their dark days.
~Be well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Rockville, MD
Posts: 3
I understand, I am on my 3-d week of sobriety, and I joined AA two weeks ago. I called them and next day went to the meeting.For me it is working great, and I got a sponsor right away. Since I joined them, I did not have serious alcohol cravings so far.Before, even 2 days was a problem.
I would recommend trying AA and 12 steps program - I've seen a lot of people who were in hopeless situations and heard their stories - and they've been sober for many years.
Good luck.
I would recommend trying AA and 12 steps program - I've seen a lot of people who were in hopeless situations and heard their stories - and they've been sober for many years.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Colorado
Posts: 796
Hello.
I could have written your post. It took me many attempts at sobriety before I'm finaly making it. Heck,
I joined this site over five years ago and have been sober a little over two years.
That fourth day was always killer for me, too. Just try and get through it and remember the suffering you're feeling now.
What has helped me, is thinking that first drink through to the end and the misery it'll bring.
You can get sober for good. Many of us have.
I feel for you, and you'll be in my thoughts. And thanks for the reminder of what I'm no longer going through.
I could have written your post. It took me many attempts at sobriety before I'm finaly making it. Heck,
I joined this site over five years ago and have been sober a little over two years.
That fourth day was always killer for me, too. Just try and get through it and remember the suffering you're feeling now.
What has helped me, is thinking that first drink through to the end and the misery it'll bring.
You can get sober for good. Many of us have.
I feel for you, and you'll be in my thoughts. And thanks for the reminder of what I'm no longer going through.
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Welcome to SR mvgnon.
I can identify with you,day 4 was terrible for me,I usually caved in.
You need never have to do this again if you choose to not pick up another drink.
Keep yourself hydrated and imagine how much better you will feel tomorrow.
I can identify with you,day 4 was terrible for me,I usually caved in.
You need never have to do this again if you choose to not pick up another drink.
Keep yourself hydrated and imagine how much better you will feel tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 100
This reminded me of something I went through when I first stopped - so many racing thoughts (most of them negative) and mental chatter I considered going back to drinking just to shut down my mind. I remember thinking, if this is what it's like to be alone with my thoughts, get me out of here before I drive myself crazy!
I can only tell you that for me, it got much better over time, and I believe it gets better each day. I think that you will be amazed at how you will dwell on the negatives of the past less and less if you choose sobriety each day. You can learn to let go of the past and focus on living in the moment. Dare I suggest that you are even capable of enjoying life and feeling optimistic about what the future holds? It is absolutely true.
I can only tell you that for me, it got much better over time, and I believe it gets better each day. I think that you will be amazed at how you will dwell on the negatives of the past less and less if you choose sobriety each day. You can learn to let go of the past and focus on living in the moment. Dare I suggest that you are even capable of enjoying life and feeling optimistic about what the future holds? It is absolutely true.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 465
Thank you
Thank you for the warm welcome and words of advice. I wish you all the best in your recoveries and wholeheartedly appreciate you for the time that you have taken to lend support.
This has been such an awful cycle for me, and yet it gets repeated time and time again. I'm so drained by this insanity. This simply cannot continue. This is not the life I envisioned for myself. Day four is never fun, and often my downfall. As I look at all of the things around me that I have let go, I become anxious to correct them all, yet depressed at the shape things are in. On one hand I want to get up and "fix" everything I've messed up, and on the other, I want to crawl back into bed and will it all to go away. I feel like I am battling two people within myself. The noise within my head is incessant. Sometimes I feel like my own worst enemy, and truth be told, I am. I just need to make it through today, so that I can battle the demons of day 5.
This has been such an awful cycle for me, and yet it gets repeated time and time again. I'm so drained by this insanity. This simply cannot continue. This is not the life I envisioned for myself. Day four is never fun, and often my downfall. As I look at all of the things around me that I have let go, I become anxious to correct them all, yet depressed at the shape things are in. On one hand I want to get up and "fix" everything I've messed up, and on the other, I want to crawl back into bed and will it all to go away. I feel like I am battling two people within myself. The noise within my head is incessant. Sometimes I feel like my own worst enemy, and truth be told, I am. I just need to make it through today, so that I can battle the demons of day 5.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boopville
Posts: 122
I know that my mind and my addicted way of thinking were my downfall every other time I tried to quit and was not successful. It has only been me fighting of the types of thoughts to return to drinking with fierce determination and my faith in my higher power as well as my meetings and support that I have made it almost four months.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boopville
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by Mvngon 
Thank you for the warm welcome and words of advice. I wish you all the best in your recoveries and wholeheartedly appreciate you for the time that you have taken to lend support.
This has been such an awful cycle for me, and yet it gets repeated time and time again. I'm so drained by this insanity. This simply cannot continue. This is not the life I envisioned for myself. Day four is never fun, and often my downfall. As I look at all of the things around me that I have let go, I become anxious to correct them all, yet depressed at the shape things are in. On one hand I want to get up and "fix" everything I've messed up, and on the other, I want to crawl back into bed and will it all to go away. I feel like I am battling two people within myself. The noise within my head is incessant. Sometimes I feel like my own worst enemy, and truth be told, I am. I just need to make it through today, so that I can battle the demons of day 5.
This has been such an awful cycle for me, and yet it gets repeated time and time again. I'm so drained by this insanity. This simply cannot continue. This is not the life I envisioned for myself. Day four is never fun, and often my downfall. As I look at all of the things around me that I have let go, I become anxious to correct them all, yet depressed at the shape things are in. On one hand I want to get up and "fix" everything I've messed up, and on the other, I want to crawl back into bed and will it all to go away. I feel like I am battling two people within myself. The noise within my head is incessant. Sometimes I feel like my own worst enemy, and truth be told, I am. I just need to make it through today, so that I can battle the demons of day 5.
Since you know that today is where you often stumble why not find a meeting or two to go to today, tomorrow however long you need to. I feel renewed each time I leave a meeting. I can say I have never left one where I didn't learn something new. My meetings inspire and motivate me as we'll as renew my determination that I know and will have a better life because I deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 183
Imagine that you are like someone who has been in a coma for many months. You wake up, and the task of learning how to walk and talk and live your life seems insurmountable. You will not regain your life in one day. But you will regain it day by day, strengthening yourself day by day. It takes small, meaningful work every day and over time you will learn how to cope, lessen the shrill of anxiety and work with your brain instead of running from it.
I highly suggest a program like AA if you think the structure and companionship will help. It helps many, many people even if its just because it is something to look forward to and focus on. You can also find other resources like this forum, addiction memoirs, The Fix website, anything to help you better understand your situation. I had terrible anxiety right after quitting. It's important to know your brain is used to certain chemicals, and now it is adjusting. Read about PAWS effects. It is a process, but we can tell you, it is worth the struggle. You will be so amazed at your strength.
Good luck, and welcome!
I highly suggest a program like AA if you think the structure and companionship will help. It helps many, many people even if its just because it is something to look forward to and focus on. You can also find other resources like this forum, addiction memoirs, The Fix website, anything to help you better understand your situation. I had terrible anxiety right after quitting. It's important to know your brain is used to certain chemicals, and now it is adjusting. Read about PAWS effects. It is a process, but we can tell you, it is worth the struggle. You will be so amazed at your strength.
Good luck, and welcome!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Welcome to the family, Mvngon. You found a great place - we all understand what you're going through.
I drank for 30 yrs. I can't believe I allowed my life to become such a trainwreck. Drinking was fun and relaxing long ago. I never dreamed it would take over my life entirely. By the time I finally quit I was completely dependent on it. My biggest mistake was thinking I could control it. I spent many years insisting willpower alone would be enough. Never once did I just have 'a few' drinks.
I think not being alone anymore will help you with the anxiety you're feeling on Day 4. I didn't have anyone in my life who understood the struggle I had. They were all social drinkers. My friends here helped pull me out of the deep hole I'd dug for myself. We are glad you're here - we want to help.
I drank for 30 yrs. I can't believe I allowed my life to become such a trainwreck. Drinking was fun and relaxing long ago. I never dreamed it would take over my life entirely. By the time I finally quit I was completely dependent on it. My biggest mistake was thinking I could control it. I spent many years insisting willpower alone would be enough. Never once did I just have 'a few' drinks.
I think not being alone anymore will help you with the anxiety you're feeling on Day 4. I didn't have anyone in my life who understood the struggle I had. They were all social drinkers. My friends here helped pull me out of the deep hole I'd dug for myself. We are glad you're here - we want to help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 465
Day 5 is here! I feel totally selfish for blabbing about myself right now when I have so much to catch up on, but here I am doing it.
Last night was a tough one. The family went out to dinner, and I refused to go. Restaurants are usually a great source of enjoyment for me, but too much temptation right now. Today I need to get to the store and put together a dinner at home so I won't be in that awkward position again. The problem: the very thought of the grocery store gives me great anxiety. It seems overwhelming. My organizational skills are shot right now, so making a list seems impossible. Seems like if I get back on track with organization things would get easier, but I really want to do nothing but feel better, and going anywhere makes me feel terrible right now. Everything is a reminder of how far I've fallen. It's crazy. Hope this gets better soon, and sorry if I'm rambling.
Last night was a tough one. The family went out to dinner, and I refused to go. Restaurants are usually a great source of enjoyment for me, but too much temptation right now. Today I need to get to the store and put together a dinner at home so I won't be in that awkward position again. The problem: the very thought of the grocery store gives me great anxiety. It seems overwhelming. My organizational skills are shot right now, so making a list seems impossible. Seems like if I get back on track with organization things would get easier, but I really want to do nothing but feel better, and going anywhere makes me feel terrible right now. Everything is a reminder of how far I've fallen. It's crazy. Hope this gets better soon, and sorry if I'm rambling.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Mvngon, I hope you never need to go through this again. About what you said, this struck me, “On one hand I want to get up and "fix" everything I've messed up, and on the other, I want to crawl back into bed and will it all to go away”.
You cannot fix everything at once. It’s going to take time. Trying to work all this all out, while you are detoxing, may not be the best plan. Being sort of selfish right now is not such a bad thing. Take good care of yourself right now. You need it.
One thing that might help is to get some support from people who have gone through much of what you are going through now. It helped many of us to tap into the wealth of experience that exists in the AA community. It helped me enomously.
All the best to you.
You cannot fix everything at once. It’s going to take time. Trying to work all this all out, while you are detoxing, may not be the best plan. Being sort of selfish right now is not such a bad thing. Take good care of yourself right now. You need it.
One thing that might help is to get some support from people who have gone through much of what you are going through now. It helped many of us to tap into the wealth of experience that exists in the AA community. It helped me enomously.
All the best to you.
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