TakingCharge999

So I decided to make a trip to the city, had some friends to see and I had planned a second date with a recent crush. In fact it's the Electra complex, he is similar to my father in many ways.

Made some effort to look nice. Went to have dinner with a friend. Afterwards the date sends me a message saying he had too much work and couldn't make it after all.

Since Friday I had a bad feeling about this second appointment... kind of felt like I was more interested than he was.

Anyways, all dolled up and without a plan triggered the codie in me, I obsessed and had a bad night yesterday. The friend I had dinner with told me I had made an effort and he was nor worth it and to let him go totally.

But then I thought, maybe it is true, maybe he indeed had lots of unforeseen work. I don't know. The line between being empathetic and an idiot is too thin for me.

After midnight he sent a message asking me to "stop hating him". I had not answered nor said anything after he canceled.

I answered that I hated a lot of people already and that there was no room for him in that compartment, and that I did not want him to be there anyway.


(Note: I don't actually *hate* anyone, but I do feel anger).


Then I recalled how similar he is to my father, also insensitive and I realized two huge red flags: things run according to his schedule only, and he has to say the place and it has to be according to his taste.

I hope one day I can break the Electra complex. I know I have been stuck for a long time.

Today, struggling trying to uncodie myself and focus in other things. It is not easy but I am trying. No, I won't check Facebook. Yes, I am deleting his messages from my phone. No, I won't reach out to him. Yes, I will see what positive thoughts I can bring to my Sunday. Heck, maybe I can even enjoy stuff today regardless of what happens outside....


Thanks for listening.

TakingCharge999

I don't know if I should block him.
In general, I do not feel he is a bad person.
If I can uncodie myself a bit, I still think I would enjoy his posts and "friendship" at a distance.
There was no future anyway as it is very possible I am moving overseas...

laurie6781

Okay, when 'events' like this happened in my 'dating' life after my divorce it made
me sit back and sit up and realize that I Was Not Ready To Date Yet, I needed to
do more work on me, lol

Then a few years later, when I met my long time SO (that I lost 3 1/2 years ago
to a massive heart attack) there was nothing like that. It was all A-OK from the
getgo. No me, second guessing myself, or second guessing him. He was about
to retire from a long long teaching career at our University, and there were times
when he would call saying he was going to be late or would cancel. Never had
any thoughts about it even when it happened before I knew he was in the
process of retiring (didn't find out until about 4 weeks into our dating) and having
to go over many things with the 'new' professor brought in to take his place (that
also caused come rough times for him as the underlings didn't like that at all).

It was 'just right' with Michael.

So ...................... maybe, just maybe you are not quite ready to stick your big
toe back into the 'dating pool', lol Maybe do some writing in your journal about
this and your reactions, and if you are still seeing a counselor discuss this with
him/her.

Just my thoughts, based on my experience.

Love and hugs,

TakingCharge999

Thanks dear laurie. Indeed, live and learn, I am absolutely not ready.

Too invested, too soon.
Idealizing without knowing.
Believing words and not facts.
Placing a boundary and having second thoughts about my boundary.

Well, the FB drama went on. He posted something about what a great weekend he had had. I decided to block him so I could stop stalking him. For the sake of sanity. A few hours later he sent an SMS asking me why I deleted him, and telling me not to do it... I answered "Because you are inconsiderate.".

He replied back " What do you mean? and why delete me? isn't it better to talk about problems?"

To which I have not answered anything.


I don't know what to do. My heart is heavy. I miss him as a friend. But then, really, he could not take an hour or two? I was relatively close to his home.

This weekend I had made another 3 appointments with male friends (separately).

All of them were very nice. They were on time. One who was not, called me earlier with a good explanation and kept notifying me where he was. They suggested places or enthusiastically agreed on the place I suggested. They treated me well. None paid the bill entirely but some paid more than their share. They asked if I needed a ride or took me home afterwards without me even asking. Some texted me afterwards asking for the picture and saying it was great to see me. One even drove all the way through the city (one of the largest in the world!!).


And this guy notifies me half an hour after the appointment with a lousy "explanation" then wonders what he did wrong. He knew my visit was temporary and I was under a time crunch. I could have done something different or see other friends.


Maybe I should say nothing and leave it...........
I hope I can stay No contact.
I need to remember he looks good in paper but actions are what matter..
I need to remember how I felt on Sat. night and convince myself I deserve better.

LexieCat

Hey, TC,

I sort of think you are overthinking this whole thing. When we have had bad experiences sometimes we project all kinds of bad intentions and qualities into someone who momentarily messed up. True, his handling of this may be indicative of bigger issues that you want to avoid. OTOH, people plain mess up once in a while.

If you like him, tell him what troubled you about the way he treated you, and maybe say that if that's how dependable you can expect him to be, you don't think you care to see him anymore. See what his response is. Decide whether you want to give him another chance. I have a feeling you will find out well before you get too involved (that is, assuming you go slow in the romance department, which would certainly be wise) whether you want to continue to see him. He COULD be a nice person who is chronically disorganized, or he could be a fairly inconsiderate person you don't want to waste your time and energy on.

Just my two cents.

Manmust

I don't know....from a guys perspective I believe one of two things are going on. Either he isn't respectful of others time, or he's playing games.

TakingCharge999

Thanks for the feedback SR friends, it does help.

Yes, I am overthinking the whole thing and even suffering due to all this.

This is how a major codie relapse looks like

TakingCharge999

I decided to use the tools yesterday and today my heart does not feel as heavy.

I decided it is ok, I am just a human being.

I put my hand on my heart, the quickest healing technique I know. I realized I was feeling sad and let down. I told myself "Its ok. Its just feelings. This too shall pass".

I took some alternative remedy that always helps me calm down.

I put on a training CD with a HOT budokon instructor (Cameron Shayne). Motivating and I got very tired.

Did some yoga afterwards. I even did a headstand. There is a book called Sai Yoga where it says the headstand helps shift perspective. A thought came to my head "Thank God, for the lessons".

In any case, after his actions, we are not good, and he is not exactly doing a lot to make up for Saturday or restore who we were before.

My gut tells me this is a player, unfortunately, all the times beforehand he had been sweet, charming, a gentleman so that is where I am getting mixed messages.

More will be revealed... meanwhile, I am trying hard to remember healthier people just don't do this kind of thing.. or if it happens, there is a sincere apology/interest to make things flow again.

TakingCharge999

Above all...
I am remembering I can't control anyone else.

TakingCharge999

Excuse me while I keep rambling and processing things..

I am starting to see maybe all this can be empowering...

Before, as a doormat, I would have said "oh, it does not matter! that we had made plans and I traveled. I can go visit you again!"

Maybe it is a great sign that I actually got angry and upset and showed it was not Ok to leave me stranded up and canceled AFTER the hour we had agreed to see each other.

Maybe he is not being responsive because I am usually "sweet" (well, kind of laid back) and he did not expect I was going to call him on his BS.

Looking forward to therapy... I have an appointment next week... finally.

TakingCharge999

I feel after XABF and other characters, its only natural to overreact to things that might not be as bad when seen by a normie.

Hanna

When you say "He's not responding" do you mean that you are waiting for a response from him?

What are you hoping he will say? "Yes, you are right I was a jerk and now I am going to be completely different. Forgive me please?"

Do you want to give him another chance? My thought is this, you have had two dating experiences with him. One was horrible and left you feeling like awful. That's 50% bad. So if you continue interacting with him you can expect to feel that way at least 50% of the time, probably much more. Would you purchase a car that worked 50% of the time?

It reminds me of a story someone told me. As a young boy he was crazy about a girl in his class. He talked about her all the time until one day his father said "Son, does she like you?" and he said "But Dad! She's so pretty, and dresses so cute!" and his father asked again "Son, does she like you." He was speechless and his father then said "Let me put this to you as simply as possible. If someone doesn't like you, you can't like them."

This guy showed you that he doesn't value your time. You can't like him.

And it isn't one bit about you - he does this thing all the time. This is how he treats people.

TakingCharge999

Yes Hanna.. I am expecting that.. and a message in the clouds with an apology, visible from my cubicle


I know its not healthy to expect anything, but yes, unfortunately, I am still expecting "something" and battling the feeling. I know its a codie behavior. That is why I decided to post here.......

TakingCharge999

Thanks Hanna.
Your post helped me.

I was thinking how I became this wacko, as it had been a while since I felt this codie, and I concluded it is because things look really great at first and I started getting excited. So it was kind of "surprising"/unexpected. Like a mini-XABF story.

Anyway, I will keep him blocked in FB, I might change my mobile no. to a local one (I needed to do this anyway). This will help stop the madness.

Oh, I remembered something - when planning the venue I suggested a few places and he was adamant and said none were his style. Quite selfish, after all , its the person you are seeing right? who cares where you meet?


I feel some sort of sanity coming back today.

LadySage

This!

It's thin for me too but sounds like your taking charge! good job!

Hanna

You are not a wacko at all! We would never treat someone else this way, so it's got to be shocking when someone does it to us.

As for him being picky about the place, it would not be a big deal to me if the guy actually showed up. To be picky then leave you hanging? He's a jerk.

In times like this I just have to get my mind focused on something else. But thank heavens he showed you his true colors early!

caboblanco

what is the Electra complex?

Rosiepetal

Oh I am sorry it worked out like that.
I would say yes there were red flags & what an unusual text to send you after a cancellation.
He doesn't sound ready for a relationship?
I would say there's someone better waiting just round the corner.
Pretend you're in a shoe shop & be choosey to find just the right fit.
Hugs.

KittenBoo

well you went on some dates, got yourself out there and learned a valuable lesson.

Thank goodness you ended the drama for good after date 2. And honestly reading all this, I was like "wow...this is a hell of a lot of drama for just 2 dates. who needs this?"

Over time, better people will come your way, ones that don't bring drama, excuses, emotional immaturity and self-absorbed jerk-ism into your life.

I like Rosiepetal's "shoe shop" analogy. It's cute and finding the "right fit" is important. None of us would run in the shop, try on a pair twice that was so/so, ho hum and not-so-good and then run away with them on trying to be happy all the while our feet hurting in pain and us wondering why we ever bought these shoes. LOL

Take care TakingCharge999. Your name alone says it all- you know what to do that's good for you.

TakingCharge999

caboblanco,

The Electra complex is to be attracted to someone resembling your mom or dad, in the hopes of making them love you "this time", if you felt you were not loved by your parents (or not loved enough).

Comes from a place of pain, never ends well, and you just add yet another scar to the soul....