ForeverOptimist

I get confused sometimes whether to say things to my AH or not. Am I setting a boundary or trying to control things?

To give you some context, we had a big fight last weekend (during the blizzard when we were all housebound... Ugh) and during our discussions he said to me that he was shocked that I had a problem with his drinking because I don't say anything. Well, I've said plenty in the past and it does no good so why bother mentioning it every day? I'm not the drinking police. He is in charge of his drinking, but it bothers me that he is justifying his behavior based on the lack of verbal disapproval from me.

Similarly last night (AH was drinking of course) overheard him talking to a good friend of ours who is getting a divorce. This couple are our best friends and their kids are our kids best friends so we are very close to the situation. But I am very careful not to take sides while still providing a sympathetic ear. My AH and I were talking about their custody this week and I said that I thought the dad had rights and he should discuss that with his lawyer (there is no substance abuse involved here). So fast forward to last night and I hear AH say to this person that I think the wife is crazy and the husband should be fighting for 50/50 custody, etc. I never said that!!! So I ran into the room and told him to keep me out of that conversation. Period. It is inappropriate to discuss, and on top of that a complete lie.

So back to my original post, is it worth it to mention to the AH today? My gut tells me that he will spin it and say I'm taking the wife's side over him (not true). My issue is that he violated the trust between husband and wife. I should be able to have a conversation with my husband without worry that he will repeat it or use what I said to justify his point. But is it worth saying this to him? It won't change the outcome - basically I'm not going to discuss our friends anymore with him- so I'm not trying to control things. But I also feel like he should know that his behavior is unacceptable.

For all of you that are further along on your journey (and have more clarity) what is the right thing to do here? Be honest or not?

SparkleKitty

I think you can ask your AH (when sober) to please not speak for you in the matter of your friends' divorce. But then, as you say, you have to let go of whether or not he does what you ask, and proceed as if he will do that anyway. It isn't worth the energy to try to work out whether or how he will spin what you say to other people -- that energy is better spent taking care of yourself.

I would gently ask, however -- if this "behavior is unacceptable", as you say, then what does that mean for you?

ForeverOptimist

What I didn't mention in my first post -- and what I realized after I wrote it -- is that I'm partly upset with myself. Between the blizzard and this weekend AH was not drinking. It was a nice break and things (for me) felt somewhat normal. I let my guard down and spoke to him like I used to. It was nice. Then he betrayed that trust. So in some ways I am mad at myself for once again being the eternal optimist and thinking that maybe this time he is really going to get it and see how peaceful and healthy things can be when alcohol isn't present. And then reality slaps me in the face again. He can't be trusted.

SparkleKitty

Be gentle with yourself. You are living in a heightened and uncertain situation -- it's okay to keep your expectations of yourself reasonable too. One day at a time, right?

dollydo

Well, because he is not drinking for a day or two doesn't mean that anything has changed with him. He is an active alcoholic, I have never met one that had much common sense.

Don't beat yourself up, learn from this expereience.