he wants back into my life
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 33
he wants back into my life
So, it has been exactly one week since the last installment in this story about my AH. I picked him from rehab on V Day and took him to the house so he could pack up some things and move over to his sober living home. He was calm and just moved out like it was nothing. He has come over every day since then because his studio, (he is a professional artist) is in our home until he can find another place to have it. It feels so weird. I mean, seeing him every day, not living with him. He has told me that he misses me. Then he will say things that show he is still struggling with depression and anxiety, things that lead to drinking. He also said that he wants to go ski with me because I was his good friend. I am so confused. Maybe we cant be together until I have the tools to be stronger and have a clearer head. Also, I need to see some changes. Otherwise, we will be hooking up and not doing the good that we need to do in order to move on in any way. Advice?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You have given yourself the advice already: You need to see changes from him and have stronger tools yourself. Very little time has passed.
As they say around here, nothing changes if nothing changes. You can't control how he handles his recovery, but you can control the steps you take towards your own. In order to have a healthy relationship, there needs to be two whole and healthy individuals working together to build a life. Otherwise you're just two half-people trying desperately to make a whole.
I think you already know what you want and need to do here, but circumstances are working against you. Is there a plan in place for finding him another studio space?
As they say around here, nothing changes if nothing changes. You can't control how he handles his recovery, but you can control the steps you take towards your own. In order to have a healthy relationship, there needs to be two whole and healthy individuals working together to build a life. Otherwise you're just two half-people trying desperately to make a whole.
I think you already know what you want and need to do here, but circumstances are working against you. Is there a plan in place for finding him another studio space?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Yep..he can say whatever he wants...he can say whatever he knows you want to hear but his ACTIONS are the ONLY things you can rely on.
Be careful. It's so easy to fall back into that trap. I know. I did it for years. And each time I jumped in, it was harder to get out.
Give yourself the gift of time. Keep working on YOU. Keep the focus on YOU.
Be careful. It's so easy to fall back into that trap. I know. I did it for years. And each time I jumped in, it was harder to get out.
Give yourself the gift of time. Keep working on YOU. Keep the focus on YOU.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 33
Thank you all very much for the good advice. Geesh! Its so hard when you have been married for 20 years, and he says those sweet things to you. Today he wrote me a sweet letter and left it on my pillow. I just simply told him that I really hope he can make the changes he needs to make. I said i was sorry, I appreciated his kind words, but of course, I needed time and needed to see changes.....I need to try to stay strong, this is so hard. I will let myself have time. He is working on finding another studio, but it is hard to find for a good price since we are now living with two household expenses on top of it...I think he is committed to finding a place though.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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You'll need to toughen up. You are softening and that is disastrous when dealing with an alcoholic who is barely sober.
Depression is normal and so is anxiety and he can deal with those via non-narcotic medications and counseling.
And the skiing comment is so typical of an alcoholic. It is equivalent to the "Let's move to Hawaii/Alaska/Key West/ Mars" talk of the addict just looking for a way out of dealing with life on life's terms.
He is still dangerous. Don't forget it. Stay tough and detached.
And the sooner he finds a studio the better, because neither of you is much good for the other in early recovery. Too much neediness and old habits coming into play.
Separate recovery tracks for now and a whole new way of living is the best order of business. It is so easy to be seduced. Be careful.
Depression is normal and so is anxiety and he can deal with those via non-narcotic medications and counseling.
And the skiing comment is so typical of an alcoholic. It is equivalent to the "Let's move to Hawaii/Alaska/Key West/ Mars" talk of the addict just looking for a way out of dealing with life on life's terms.
He is still dangerous. Don't forget it. Stay tough and detached.
And the sooner he finds a studio the better, because neither of you is much good for the other in early recovery. Too much neediness and old habits coming into play.
Separate recovery tracks for now and a whole new way of living is the best order of business. It is so easy to be seduced. Be careful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 33
EnglishGarden,
I know you speak the truth. If we have a chance at all, I have to work on myself, obviously all I can do. I may start helping him find a studio. I dont want him to act like hes trying, but really try to stay so he can see me everyday. There are requirements of a studio for him as he is a jewelry designer and needs ventilation and he is dealing with serious equipment so he needs extremely good light.
BTW, side note, we do live in a ski resort, and have family passes, so i guess I just thought I would clarify that the comment was based on something we always used to do before last week. I have been going alone while the kids are in school, and it has been nice to be out alone. But, yes, he has made outlandish comments before.
I know you speak the truth. If we have a chance at all, I have to work on myself, obviously all I can do. I may start helping him find a studio. I dont want him to act like hes trying, but really try to stay so he can see me everyday. There are requirements of a studio for him as he is a jewelry designer and needs ventilation and he is dealing with serious equipment so he needs extremely good light.
BTW, side note, we do live in a ski resort, and have family passes, so i guess I just thought I would clarify that the comment was based on something we always used to do before last week. I have been going alone while the kids are in school, and it has been nice to be out alone. But, yes, he has made outlandish comments before.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
He needs to find his own studio, without your "help". Every time we jump in and "help", we are telling A by our actions that we don't think they are capable of figuring it out on their own. Give him a deadline and tell him if he doesn't have something lined up, you will have all his stuff put in a storage unit (and then DO IT!). This can be said with kind words, but then stop talking... end of discussion.
What finally worked for me was to make sound decisions for myself, BEFORE an event occured. If AH does A), then this is my next step; but if AH does B), my next step will be this. And I even told him at one point. He finally confessed that he had been drinking again (which I knew but had no proof) but he finally knew he couldn't stop on his own. I told him I was glad he told me, because my next step was a lawyer and he would be OUT of the house. I told him if he did EVERYTHING in his power for recovery, including eating right, surrounding himself with the apporpiate support, going to meetings and NOT DRINKING, I would stay with him. But if he wasn't willing to do everything he could, I was out. He was stunned and mad, but he finally KNEW THAT I WAS DONE. I had a plan to live without him and I wasn't scared to do it.... and this was after 25 years of marriage and three kids.
Al-Anon's book Courage to Change was my lifeline. Finally something that made sense and gave me permission to put me first, which was a foreign concept for this devoted wife and mother.
What finally worked for me was to make sound decisions for myself, BEFORE an event occured. If AH does A), then this is my next step; but if AH does B), my next step will be this. And I even told him at one point. He finally confessed that he had been drinking again (which I knew but had no proof) but he finally knew he couldn't stop on his own. I told him I was glad he told me, because my next step was a lawyer and he would be OUT of the house. I told him if he did EVERYTHING in his power for recovery, including eating right, surrounding himself with the apporpiate support, going to meetings and NOT DRINKING, I would stay with him. But if he wasn't willing to do everything he could, I was out. He was stunned and mad, but he finally KNEW THAT I WAS DONE. I had a plan to live without him and I wasn't scared to do it.... and this was after 25 years of marriage and three kids.
Al-Anon's book Courage to Change was my lifeline. Finally something that made sense and gave me permission to put me first, which was a foreign concept for this devoted wife and mother.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
As a jeweler myself, some of the tools/equipment in a jewelry studio can be very dangerous. If he uses a torch while drunk, he could burn the house down. There can be serious insurance issues also depending on what your insurance company is aware of and what they know about the kind of work he is doing.
Please make sure you and your kids are safe!
ShootingStar1
Please make sure you and your kids are safe!
ShootingStar1
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