Need your Wisdom... Making a decision
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 57
Need your Wisdom... Making a decision
I cant even begin to imagine how things have got to the place they are, I feel like I have been blind sighted.
Never knew about this drinking and wondering if hes been doing this even before I met him, what triggers someone to go down this path.
And can it be reversed? Are you a alcoholic for life?
Last night he still laughs as we watch TV the show MADMEN on AMC where they drink all the time and smoke its set back in the 1960's and I say how can people drink everyday like that he says, I wish I lived back then.
Will this problem he has since he says hes not an alcoholic be something he has to fight the rest of his life? And what does that entail?
I just don't want to be with someone that drinks every day. I feel bad for contemplating leaving but I want a life.
I'm up he will sleep till noon because he stayed up till 3 drinking, Im too old to do this for 20 more years and I wont I deserve better
Never knew about this drinking and wondering if hes been doing this even before I met him, what triggers someone to go down this path.
And can it be reversed? Are you a alcoholic for life?
Last night he still laughs as we watch TV the show MADMEN on AMC where they drink all the time and smoke its set back in the 1960's and I say how can people drink everyday like that he says, I wish I lived back then.
Will this problem he has since he says hes not an alcoholic be something he has to fight the rest of his life? And what does that entail?
I just don't want to be with someone that drinks every day. I feel bad for contemplating leaving but I want a life.
I'm up he will sleep till noon because he stayed up till 3 drinking, Im too old to do this for 20 more years and I wont I deserve better
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
His disease has no cure, he will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean/sober and working a strong recovery program for life or not. Left untreated, this disease will progress, he will get worse. He will battle this disease all the rest of his life, all it takes is one drink.
As for whether he was drinking before, probably, they can hide it for awhile...if they need to impress someone or get them on the hook. Manipulation is their hallmark. 99% are in denial and say they are not alcoholics or drug addicts, they all read from the same book, forget his words, focus on his actions.
Take some time to read cynical one's blogs and the stickeys at the top of this forum.
As for whether he was drinking before, probably, they can hide it for awhile...if they need to impress someone or get them on the hook. Manipulation is their hallmark. 99% are in denial and say they are not alcoholics or drug addicts, they all read from the same book, forget his words, focus on his actions.
Take some time to read cynical one's blogs and the stickeys at the top of this forum.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Alcoholism can develop at any point in someone's life. I know people who swear they were alcoholics from the very first drink, and I believe them. I believe my first husband was that way. Something abnormal just kicked in immediately as soon as he started to drink.
Mine developed later in life--I always had a tendency to over drink when I did drink, but I did not begin drinking alcoholically until I was in my 40s. The thing is, nobody PLANS to get addicted. And most people can't see that they are until it is too late to change it. We have a saying that you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber. Once you've crossed that line, you can never drink safely. Just ain't happening. And believe me, we tried and tried.
So it's pretty pointless to figure out what "made" someone become an alcoholic. Once they are there, it's a fact of life, and you either deal with it or you don't. If you don't, the disease progresses and gets worse over time.
Your boyfriend sounds as if he sees nothing wrong with his drinking. He's still enjoying it. So I wouldn't expect him to do anything about it for quite some time--usually some pretty nasty consequences have to occur before someone decides to give up drinking. And losing a girlfriend is seldom enough to do it. He will blame you before he blames the alcohol.
So, yeah, it sort of boils down to what you want for your life. I can tell you (as can just about anyone on this forum) that marriage or long-term relationships with alcoholics are pretty unsatisfying, to say the least. At worst, it can be a miserable existence.
Mine developed later in life--I always had a tendency to over drink when I did drink, but I did not begin drinking alcoholically until I was in my 40s. The thing is, nobody PLANS to get addicted. And most people can't see that they are until it is too late to change it. We have a saying that you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber. Once you've crossed that line, you can never drink safely. Just ain't happening. And believe me, we tried and tried.
So it's pretty pointless to figure out what "made" someone become an alcoholic. Once they are there, it's a fact of life, and you either deal with it or you don't. If you don't, the disease progresses and gets worse over time.
Your boyfriend sounds as if he sees nothing wrong with his drinking. He's still enjoying it. So I wouldn't expect him to do anything about it for quite some time--usually some pretty nasty consequences have to occur before someone decides to give up drinking. And losing a girlfriend is seldom enough to do it. He will blame you before he blames the alcohol.
So, yeah, it sort of boils down to what you want for your life. I can tell you (as can just about anyone on this forum) that marriage or long-term relationships with alcoholics are pretty unsatisfying, to say the least. At worst, it can be a miserable existence.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Honey, you can only deal with things as they are now.
I clearly hear you saying that how things are now, you can not deal with and you deserve better.
Waiting around for someone else to change is just that, waiting around.
You do deserve to be happy!
Keep posting. Katie xo
I clearly hear you saying that how things are now, you can not deal with and you deserve better.
Waiting around for someone else to change is just that, waiting around.
You do deserve to be happy!
Keep posting. Katie xo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
From my experience, you can't take the spots off a leopard or the stripes off a zebra. I know, I tried to scrub a zebra so it turned into a horse. Didn't work. It just got mad.
Figure out what YOU want, what YOU need, how YOU want to live the rest of your life. If living with a zebra with gets you want YOU need, stay. If not, go.
In the end, for all of our prognosticating, prevaricating, postulating, posturing, pleasing, and pleading,
The question is binary:
Stay or Go.
Yes or No.
ShootingStar1
Figure out what YOU want, what YOU need, how YOU want to live the rest of your life. If living with a zebra with gets you want YOU need, stay. If not, go.
In the end, for all of our prognosticating, prevaricating, postulating, posturing, pleasing, and pleading,
The question is binary:
Stay or Go.
Yes or No.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orillia, Ont., Canada
Posts: 165
The fact that I am a recovering alcoholic does not alter in the least the fact that I will always be an alcoholic; in fact, that awareness helps my recovery, as it takes the notion of 'maybe sometime I can drink' completely out of the equation. I can sort of see his point about Madman, or even better, '40's type movies like, say, The Thin Man, where William Powell and Myrna Loy would start the morning with martini's, and everone thought it normal. But times do change; I think I would change Doctors if mine was into leeches and bleeding people, just because they used to do it
. Take it easy, and always remember to put yourself first--his recovery is up to him. Good luck, and take care-----rick
. Take it easy, and always remember to put yourself first--his recovery is up to him. Good luck, and take care-----rick
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 57
Do you all think that certain people can stop cold turkey and no help with programs but family assistance and friend support system.. And can people that had a drinking problem in the past and overcome, can they have one occasionally.?
A friend of mine his son was killed tragically he went on a 6 year bout with Alcohol 3 DUI's later and 7 years have passed .AA meetings and drinks a beer or wine occasionally.
Of course he hit rock bottom, but how is he able to pull this off without relapsing, I cant imagine any thing triggering him that was worse then a death of your child.
A friend of mine his son was killed tragically he went on a 6 year bout with Alcohol 3 DUI's later and 7 years have passed .AA meetings and drinks a beer or wine occasionally.
Of course he hit rock bottom, but how is he able to pull this off without relapsing, I cant imagine any thing triggering him that was worse then a death of your child.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"Do you all think that certain people can stop cold turkey and no help with programs but family assistance and friend support system.. And can people that had a drinking problem in the past and overcome, can they have one occasionally.?"
Sure, many can stop drinking cold turkey, my ex did it many many times, the hard part was staying sober, that he could not do.
Can an alcoholic have one occasionally...I'd vote "Nope", an alcoholic is always one drink away from relapse.
As for your friend, I have never met an alcoholic who could just drink once in a awhile.
Sure, many can stop drinking cold turkey, my ex did it many many times, the hard part was staying sober, that he could not do.
Can an alcoholic have one occasionally...I'd vote "Nope", an alcoholic is always one drink away from relapse.
As for your friend, I have never met an alcoholic who could just drink once in a awhile.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
The problem is not getting sober...it's staying sober. That's pretty difficult without a strong recovery program. The problem with relying on friends/family is those aren't the experts in this disease, and the A still has the ability to manipulate. I would go as far as saying that your friend is manipulating if you think he's having a beer or wine now and then. A's can't pull that off, unless they're working hard at controlling which leads to "white knuckling". There's no safe amount or pattern for an A.
Your BF does not seem to see a problem with his drinking. That doesn't matter. It's a problem for you, that's what matters! You're already worried enough now to be seeking support and advice, where do you see yourself down the road if nothing changes? It's a progressive disease, things will not only not get better...they'll get worse. Save yourself while you can.
Your BF does not seem to see a problem with his drinking. That doesn't matter. It's a problem for you, that's what matters! You're already worried enough now to be seeking support and advice, where do you see yourself down the road if nothing changes? It's a progressive disease, things will not only not get better...they'll get worse. Save yourself while you can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 57
Hes old school country values and God fearing, saying hes able to rationalize that Over Indulgence Alcohol = Problem. Seen the error of his ways.
Claims he is able to way the Pros and Cons .
Telling us all that the death of his child started it.
And years have passed.
Claims he isn't the type for AA hes become very spiritual. But who knows.
You guuys seem to know what your talking about all the time..
Claims he is able to way the Pros and Cons .
Telling us all that the death of his child started it.
And years have passed.
Claims he isn't the type for AA hes become very spiritual. But who knows.
You guuys seem to know what your talking about all the time..
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Um, I'd say if we sound like we know what we're talking about, it's because we've recovered.
He may very well have started drinking when his child died. That isn't unusual--for someone to start drinking in response to a situation, and then the alcoholism creeps in when you aren't looking. There were situational aspects to my last bout with drinking--there were aspects to the previous bouts, too, but apparently I didn't drink long enough to cross that invisible line the previous times. This time I did, and it became progressively worse to the point where i had lost the choice whether to drink.
He may very well have started drinking when his child died. That isn't unusual--for someone to start drinking in response to a situation, and then the alcoholism creeps in when you aren't looking. There were situational aspects to my last bout with drinking--there were aspects to the previous bouts, too, but apparently I didn't drink long enough to cross that invisible line the previous times. This time I did, and it became progressively worse to the point where i had lost the choice whether to drink.
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