tormented

Old 02-17-2013, 01:58 AM
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tormented

i know i was onhere a long time ago, and im not going into the whole spheel of stuff but to make it short he moved back with me, he continued drinking he started disappearing for weekends at a time he wouldnt answer his phone, reality is until he moved in with me i didnt see the real him until then and its only been a year and he has turned me into this person i dont even recognise anymore.. i have obsessive thoughts over him what he is doing who he is with how many women he has had by now. i kicked him out 3 weeks ago but he would stay a night here or there ..i know my bad... but i miss him???? i was with him for 8 yrs.. we were even thinking about getting married,, he was my soulmate.. i loved him with everything i had and then some... then the lies started he couldnt tell the truth if his life depended on it,,things got really bad when he took a job as a bartender..he was in a candy store!!!! between the women wanting him and endless supply of booze he was in his glory and everyone there would lie for him and know he was cheating on me and no one said anything,, he just told the i was crazy and psychotic,, if he didnt answer his phone its like i would go crazy and call him 50 times cuz i would be so pissed.. i am doing things i never have done before i got involved aith and addict/alcoholic and now i find myself having a hard time rationalizing...i know logically its good if we are broken up,, but my mind wants to keep the good times in front of my mind,, i cant stop thinking about him i feel he has taken over my thoughts no matter what i try to do not to think about him he is always there,, i cant eat,sleep, ive been seeing a therapist but i dont know if she is doing any good or if its just me,, i feel like ive lost myself and that im losing my mind!! i just want the pain to stop...and no mateer what i do it doesnt do any good i called him tonight to harrass him cuz i want hm to feel the pain he has put me through... this is a guy who told everyone he had bought an engagment ring for me awhile back(he knows thats what i wanted) only for it to be a big lie...find out the first night i kicked him out he slept over at some girls house the girl he met at the christmas party that i wasnt allowed to go to ,,,only to find out him his uncle and some other drug addict friend of thiers had a 4some... really? i am so much better than this!!! and i know it so why cant i wrap my head around that he is the biggest loser and that i should be glad he is gone??? why would i even want something like that back?????? i feel like one of those situations were its an domestic abuse and they keep going back to the abuser??? wtf? though he never has hit me..so whatis my problem? be gentle cuz im ready to crack i have been reading here for awhile and i know the stories ive lived through most of what people here writen.. i just cant seem to get my heart and logic to work together...im realizing the whole 8 yrs have been a lie or thats what i tell myself but man when it was good it was good and when it was bad it was bad...i have left over so much less with no addictive issues why cant i let him go???? i dont understand.. ive lost all my friends over this they think im a wack job cant blame them for thinking that i would think the same.. so whats going on?? i need some insight,, his drug of choice is crack but he gave that up to do beer and hard liquer..the behaviors are all the same just different doc... he blames me for everything i would search his car,phone clothes,etc... cuz i know he was lying about where he was at or who he was with,,and he kept his phone by his side constantly never leaving it...drove me crazy...became obsessed with what he was hiding...girls mainly breaks my heart,, i supported him the years in prison, helped him out through the years and this is how im treated???and he wont admit to anything even with it right in front of him... i cant stand liers...i try to be a good person, i try to not talk bad about anyone, i bekieve in a higher power, i do good at work im kind,compassionate,loyal ,trustworthy,and i have no addictive issues other than him ,,maybe.. and i get treated like scum...im so tired of feeling sick to my stomach and the breaking of my heart i just want to curl up go away...i feel like i have gone back to the age of 16 as to how i have been behaving with him..i have lost myself and i dont know hw to get me back.. ive tried al..anon...but i didnt care for that group im embarressed and ashamed of what i have allowed into my life and knowing his girlfriend is lauging at me for the sad pathetic soul i have become,,,she won...she gets him tonight he said he is gonna do her all night long and when i called him she answered the phone and wouldt give it to him... where do start> he is probably f****ing her at this very moment...did he ever love me? i drove him away with being such a bitch . i myself wouldnt put up with many of the things i did to him, i feel he has turned me into this manic person....im losing it...and he still hasnt gotten all his stuff out of here yet.. i keep telling him to but he wont listen...he is so mad at me right now for texting his girlfriend and filling her in about him but all i did was prove his theory is that i am a ****** up person and drove her to him even more..... i have made a fool of myself and im tired of it but apparently not enough cuz i keep doing that for which i dont want to do.. any good insight.. is this normal behavior? no its not i know...
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Old 02-17-2013, 03:52 AM
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((((dogged))))

I feel a lot of pain in your post, what I can tell you is that many of us could have written this post when we first arrived here. No, it's not normal, it's the result of being in a relationship with someone who is in active addcition. All of these behaviors from him are so typical of a self centered, pleasure seeking, dishonest, blame shifting, denying drug addcit. All he cares about is his next high, everything in his life is designed to support his addiction. He sounds like a loser, sorry if that is tough to read, but from what you are written, he sounds very cruel.

You did not cause this, you can not control it, and you can not cure it.

The only one you can control is you. You mentioned that you felt shame at the al anon meetings, believe me, the people who are at those meetings understand, and they will support you.

No contact sounds like the first best step for you. If it were me, I would pack all of his stuff up, and find someone to take it to him and be done with it. You will not begin your journey of healing until you get get some time and space between this monster and yourself. Only then will you begin to see how important you are, how your issues of co dependency can be muddled through, and how you can and will pick yourself up and find yourself again. I too lost myself in a relationship with and alcoholic, the chaos of that relationship turned me into someone I did not know. I have come a long way, hard work and finding compassion for myself was the key.

You said you Love him, what I have learned is that Love empowers us, it does not damage us.

Please keep posting, continue your sessions with your counselor, maybe try al anon again, but most importantly , go no contact with this guy, continuing to engage with him will only make you sicker. Reach out to friends and family, tell them you are in trouble and you need help, surround yourself with those who care about you.

We are here and we care! Love to you Katie xo
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Old 02-17-2013, 04:38 AM
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I would keep my therapy up, calling 50 times and other actions are quite obsessive behavior patterns. Plus I would search out other meetings in your area, there are probably other groups around.

As for his stuff, I would pack it up, let him know where you are going to put it and if he doesn't get it within a week, toss it. Then go no contact.

The girlfried? Well, IMO it won't last either, he will be onto another, addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages.

Although, it does not seem that way today, he has done you a big favor. Take this time to work on you, read Codependent No More. by Melodie Beattie, the stickeys at the top of the forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 02-17-2013, 05:08 AM
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An alcoholic, crack addict, sex addict, a liar, a cheater.

You already know what the future holds in store for you with this person. Unfortunately you have become so accustomed to being abused by him and accepting being treated like dog s**t on the bottom of his shoe that you have become beat down to the point of madness.

YOu characterize yourself as a good and compassionate person - and I am sure you are. Yet you are obsessing over a convict who has another ( many) women who is NOT a good person, and who has NO compassion for you.

Stick with your therapy and head over to Al Anon too. When you start believing that you are worth more than this garbage things will change for you.

As for his stuff - personally I would ceremoniously burn it to mark the start of my new life but that's just me. At the very least as you have made many efforts to get him to come and get it - throw it away.

Hugs to you - stick around and post often there is a lot of clarity on SR.
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Old 02-17-2013, 05:18 AM
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Hi, dogged,

Yes, the pain comes through loud and clear. Katie and Dolly have both given you excellent suggestions.

You are at the point where you are as addicted to him as he is to alcohol. And behaving in just as crazy a way.

Just as alcoholics and addicts have to STOP feeding their addictions in order to get better, so do you. Those little bits of contact you have with him is exactly like their taking a drink or a drug. It keeps the obsession alive and well, and the obsession is killing you.

Your instincts were right when you kicked him out. You don't need the kind of relationship you can expect from him.

If you had a dear friend in this situation, who was telling you this story, what would you say to her? That she should go ahead and sacrifice everything she is to get back someone who has treated her this way? Wouldn't you tell her that she is worth more than that?

I know it's hard to think that you've invested 8 years of your life in this relationship, but how many more do you want to give it? He is incapable of being the partner you want and deserve. So you can either spend the rest of your life mourning this one relationship, or you can create a new life for yourself. Plenty of us have done it, and we have gotten past all the dreams that were nothing but illusions. It's hard to do, but the work is so worth it because ultimately we get FREEDOM.

Please go back to Al-Anon. It was a huge help to me when my alcoholic husband chose drinking over our relationship. It helped me to move on and to find peace in my life.

Hugs,
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Old 02-17-2013, 10:20 AM
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Get his stuff out of your house, find a friend to stay with and let them have your phone so you can't call or text him. Your addiction to him is just as bad as his to drugs and drink.... the first few days are the hardest but with help you will get through this. Good luck.
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Old 02-17-2013, 01:07 PM
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What about posting here instead when you feel like reaching out to him? It might interrupt the pattern you're stuck in, and you'd get some real solid positive feedback about how much better you'll feel if you do...

Sending very very very good wishes your way,

ShootingStar1
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Old 02-17-2013, 04:24 PM
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You *are* better than this. You deserve to be loved, respected, and treated with kindness. I understand the obsessive tendencies - I'm also obsessive compulsive (hair twirling, counting steps/actions, obsessive worrying & thinking) and it's hard to not fall into those patterns when your world is turned upside down. My best advice would be to follow the advice of your profile pic - BE the change. (Love that quote, by the way, one of my favorites.) Only you can control your own life. You have the power to change and bring serenity. In taking stock of what you want IN your life, you may find some clarity in what you want OUT of your life. Sending you hugs & strength.
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Old 02-17-2013, 04:39 PM
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I too, could have written a similar post. Yes, the pain you feel is evident. I am still in the beginning of this journey of separation and it has been a roller coaster. I just want to urge you more than anything to start valuing yourself! You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone who will treat you properly. You have to say those things to yourself until you actually believe them!

I am so sorry you are hurting. I can tell you just keep posting, use your friends and Alanon groups and that fellowship will go a long way!

Take care of yourself.
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