outonalimb

I posted yesterday about the fact that my exah (who I have a restraining order against and who is currently in jail) tried to call me collect from the jail and said 'happy valentines day, i love you' in the place on the recording where one might normally leave their name for a collect call.

I hung up immediately. There was no way in he** I was going to accept that call.

And then my disease took over. The one that makes me wonder if the man i love is still in there somewhere....wondering how he's doing....does he get it yet (the fact that he's an alcoholic and probably mentally ill too and needs help)?

I got all weepy. And then the anxiety/panic attacks set in. I'm afraid of this man. Hellllloooooo...that's why I got the restraining order in the first place. His actions and behavior are erratic and dangerous. So why in the he** did I go to that place? The one where I wring my hands and wonder how he's doing?

The answer is simple. I go there because I have been profoundly effected by the disease of alcoholism. I am still sick. I am still recovering. It will take me a life time to recover. But I am recovering. Inch by inch. Baby step by baby step.

I knew I should file a police report. But I talked myself out of it. I'm afraid of making my anxiety worse. I'm dealing with my elderly mom's health crisis. I'm dealing with a 14 year old son who I love and who I'm raising all by myself but he's 14. enough said about that. And then the waves of anxiety and panic began to wash over me.

And then I said...wait one cotton picking minute here.

He isn't running my show anymore. I am. For cripes sake. I divorced him. I have a restraining order against him. I don't have to go to 'that place' anymore where I worry and wring my hands and live in fear and anxiety.

Nope. I'm stronger than all that.

So today, when he tried to call me again, I got mad again. And this time I did something about it. I stood up for myself. I called a left a message with the jail sgt....telling him that I want to press charges for violating the restraining order and when he calls me back, I am going to press charges. And I"ll press them again and again and again until he gets it through his thick skull that the ship formerly known as 'codependent Mary' has sailed.

I feel good.
Thanks to Lexie for her words of wisdom yesterday.

Love and hugs...
Mary

ReflectingOnMe

Strength is a beautiful thing !

snowfall

what you have had to deal with sounds terrible. you are right to take control of the situation instead of the situation controlling you. You divorced him for a reason and its really good that you ahve drawn a line under the relationship and told him not to trouble you anymore. I totally relate to bringing up a child on yoru own. I am in the same situation with a 3 year old. It sounds as though you have a lot to deal especially with an unwell mother aswell. If i wasnt so far away i would give you a big hug. You_Rock_

ShootingStar1

WOW, Outonalimb, you rock. You are an inspiration to me!!!

What a success for you, what a lesson for me. Thank you. You said:

I got all weepy. And then the anxiety/panic attacks set in. I'm afraid of this man. Hellllloooooo...that's why I got the restraining order in the first place. His actions and behavior are erratic and dangerous. So why in the he** did I go to that place? The one where I wring my hands and wonder how he's doing?

The answer is simple. I go there because I have been profoundly effected by the disease of alcoholism. I am still sick. I am still recovering. It will take me a life time to recover. But I am recovering. Inch by inch. Baby step by baby step.

You are so right. Because my AH has not filed ANY financial documentation for the divorce, missed every deadline, I have gotten myself into a twit again: it must be me, how can I make a fair settlement for both of us if he never files anything, will he file or won't he, maybe he's hurting and still wants me... I have been feeling woebegone, put upon, drawn back in to his passive/aggressive web.

Reading what you've done has gotten my head back on straight. Like you say above, I am still sick of the disease of alcoholism/co-dependence. Like you did, I far too easily sink back into HIS mindset, HIS frame of reality, then wonder what to do. You said next:

And then I said...wait one cotton picking minute here.

He isn't running my show anymore. I am.... I don't have to go to 'that place' anymore where I worry and wring my hands and live in fear and anxiety.

Nope. I'm stronger than all that.

So today, when he tried to call me again, I got mad again. And this time I did something about it. I stood up for myself.... I am going to press charges. And I"ll press them again and again and again until he gets it through his thick skull that the ship formerly known as 'codependent Mary' has sailed.


As I sit down again this afternoon to try to figure out what kind of information I do have to make this financial settlement in my own best interest, I am going to think of you all the way. I am a fair person at heart, AND I am entitled to think solely and clearly about what I will need to live reasonably for the rest of my years. If he wanted input, he could have given it. He didn't. It's my show now.

So, if you see a smaller shipping plugging along in your wake, it is ME!

I hope I can absorb this lesson half as well as you have. I hope this is not intruding on your thread; I don't mean it that way. You just have blazed a path forward while I've been thrashing about in the brambles.

What a release! What a relief!

ShootingStar1

dollydo

I believe that you are doing the right thing.

LexieCat

Oh, man, Mary,

I am SO proud of you. I think you are absolutely right, it's often the fear of our OWN reactions that holds us back. Courage is moving forward in spite of the fear. And every time we do that, we get a little bit stronger.

And ShootingStar, too--man, you guys ROCK, both of you! Neither one of you is acting out of anything other than your own, balanced self-interest. You are reclaiming your lives.

These posts here made my day, they really did.

Hugs to you both!!

Recovering2

Wow Mary! What a beautiful post. I think you're going to help a lot of us on here to struggle with the similar emotions.

YOU ROCK!!!

fourmaggie

outonalimb

Shootingstar...YOU ROCK!! Hooray for you!! Hooray for us! We're getting stronger. So we had a little relapse...At least we saw it for what it was and knew what to do to turn the ship around. I'm proud of both of us!

Thanks everyone for your support. codependence is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease - no less so than alcoholism. We can have relapses. We're going to have moments of weakness. But that's okay. Progress not perfection. I'm grateful for my program of recovery because life is getting better. I'm getting better. I don't want to forget that.

nowinsituation

You both rock! I am so happy to hear how you both are handling you situations.

I've been divorced from my AH for almost 5 years now. We have no contact except indirectly through our adult children. My issue is not with him (anymore), and I wonder at times if it ever was. I just LET it be about him. Because, you see, my anxiety and self doubt has ebbed and flowed since my divorce; sometimes to tidal wave levels!!!

But, just a few days ago I started to really see things in a new way; the way you are both seeing your situations now..... My new motto is "I'm #1" Not in a selfish, entitlement way; but when I am contemplating any action or decision - I just think about what "I" want and need. It stirs up my worries about being "selfish", but I remind myself that I am a caring and giving person, by nature, and what I naturally want will not be unreasonable selfish or cruel to another. And further, if they feel that it is; it is their obligation to tell me; not mine to read their mind.

So, I have felt soooo free these last few days. It is amazing how many ways I still put others first; even as to what I cook, where we eat, what we watch on TV, when we go to bed.... Now I just recognize what I want, and head in that direction. I listen and compromise with others in my life, but I don't try to base my decisions on what I think they will want.

Happiness beyond what I ever imagined!!!!

outonalimb

I went to the police station earlier today and filed an incident report. He'll probably be charged with stalking or aggravated stalking. I feel really good. I feel empowered.

Why is it so hard to reach out and ask for help? Why do I allow myself to be overcome by feelings of shame and embarassment? It's not my fault that my ex has substance abuse and mental health issues. Its this sense of SHAME that keeps people stuck...keeps them isolated. It's just so hard to understand where that comes from and why its so powerful.

Anyway, I feel good. Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement.

Mary

LexieCat

I've been there, too--I guess a lot of us feel we SHOULDN'T have to reach out for help. With me, I think a lot of it is my need to have people look up to me--if there's anything I can't stand, it's to feel that people pity me. Yuck. But a lot of that is in my own imagination--all the judgments I think people will make.

I'm finally getting over that, thank goodness. It's better to get the help than to suffer because my own ego gets in the way. I've rarely been sorry that I've asked for help. More often, when I finally get it I'm kicking myself that I didn't ask for it sooner.

YOU, my dear, are now a force to be reckoned with.