snowfall

My ex is seriously ill and having had very litle contact with him over the last 6 months, I bumped into him a few days ago (he was probably on hsi way to the off licence as he smelt of alcohol) and he told me he has lost his job, has 7 peptic ulcers and was in hospital for 2 motnhs with serious complications and is very thin and pale. I have been behaving like an ostrich trying to block him out of my mind since our divorce for my own self protection and also for the safety and wlefare of our son. Today i felt very concerned and anxious for my ex and sent him an email asking if he would like to meet up for a coffeee. I havent heard back from him. The email was sent 6 hours ago. I feel like i am bewteen a rock and a hard place. I am shaking with anxiety that he he choosing to drink even though he has a life threatening condition as his ulcers could bleed and he could die but at the same time am worried about the can of worms i may have opened if he gets in touch. Please help. I am so miserable.

LexieCat

I know how you feel. My second husband is in pretty much the same condition, I suspect, but I fortunately live on the other side of the country and don't have occasion to ever run into him or even talk to him. I had to step away from any form of contact with him because it was too upsetting to be around, and I know I am helpless to do anything about his drinking.

But that is the thing you must focus on. You cannot save him from himself. There is help available for him if he chooses to take it.

If you do meet him for coffee, I would encourage you to keep it brief and friendly. I wouldn't make another date--nothing good can come of your getting back into the insanity. He will drag you down before you can pull him out, I guarantee it.

LifeRecovery

I can relate to that feeling of worry.

Then I remember that when I was with my loved one....it did not stop his drinking either.

I am so sorry cause that is a hard place to be. What kind of support do you have for you?

Rosiepetal

Sorry you are going through this.
Thoughts are with you.
Hugs

BunnyNest

Focus on you and your son. Your son has one parent in trouble, you need to be the stable and secure one in his life.

I'm so sorry that he hasn't chosen recovery.

snowfall

Thank you so much for your messages of support. I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting on Wednesday evening. I have never been to one beofre and am somehwat nervous about what to expect but people have told me i should go so i will give it a shot. I feel so sad about how things have turned out and i never stopped loving him. It was the alcohol that came bewteen us but at his wprst he was drinking a litre of vodka a day and i couldnt bring up our son in such a toxic envrionment.

outonalimb

I am soo glad that you are going to an Al anon meeting.

Sometimes, when I felt tempted to contact my exah, I tried to play the tape all the way through. What do you think you would accomplish by meeting him? Do you think you're going to save him? Remind yourself of how many times, how many ways, you tried to 'save him' from himself. None of them worked, right? He's still drinking. He'll quit when he want to quit. Not a minute sooner. Meeting him won't get him sober but it could open you up to the insanity of dealing with active addiction again. Protect yourself. Your son needs one healthy parent and you are it. Hugs. I know its hard. It's heartbreaking. Don't compound the sorrow by jumping into the cesspool with him.

Hugs..,
Mary

snowfall

Its difficult because he is a good person who was never violent or abusive. He just got hooked on alcohol. He had a good job, is/ was good looking, and was for 10 years a supportive loving husband until the drinking started. Initally it started as a crutch due to stress at work and then it spiralled out of control. At a compassionate/ human level i sugested a coffee because i still care, but perhaps i should leave thinsg alone. I cant understand why he is doing this to himself. He is going to end up homeless or dead and the memories of the loving person who used to be, keep flooding back.

dandylion

Dear snowfall, we all know the pain of loving someone in the grips of this cruel disease. Our hearts go out to you.

Congratulations on putting your son as the first priority. You are being a good mother!! Your husband has a choice---your son does not.

Please cling to the serenity prayer. It will help you during the difficult times.

sincerely, dandylion