LoreM

Not sure where I posted this the last time, but was referred to this forum, so here goes!>>>

I have been hesitant to post because I'm not sure where to start, but decided to just "go for it". I have been married to my husband for over 20 years and the first 10 years (maybe less) was great!! After injuring his back at work and having a few surgeries, he's become addicted to pain pills. I'm not sure what all he abuses, but I do know that 10 mg Percoset and muscle relaxers are the main 2 that his doctor prescribes. I'm pretty sure he mixes a lot of other meds in with these as well, but couldn't tell you what they are as I don't know..? Anyway, right now he's a mess AGAIN and laying in a strange position on the sofa just a few feet away...moaning, drooling and once in awhile shoots straight up pulling his shoulders back and it reminds me of a scene from "The Exorcist". I can't sleep...........he lights up cigarettes in the apartment and drops them on the carpeted floor. Every blanket, sheet and pillowcase have burns in them. Years ago he caught the spare bedroom in our home on fire and covered the huge section with a throw rug. Days later I found it! Of course he had a lame excuse. I'm so tired of all of this and fear for me and my little dog's safety! My addicted husband (is it AH for short? I keep seeing that here) has gone from bad to worse. I can't believe anything he says as it seems he'd rather lie first and maybe later tell the truth (or a portion of the truth). When I ask him why, he says it's because he wants to be spared my nagging and questions. It's easier to just lie. He has started stealing...just little things like reading glasses from the pharmacy or dollar stores, a piece of candy from the convenience store and that has now escalated.

Over the past few years I was in denial. Doctors had run tests and found a spot on AH's brain and wanted him to followup with additional testing. I started thinking that maybe it wasn't the pills afterall!! He might have a genuine reason for acting the way he does!! Some of the things I have witnessed over the years with him are as follows: drooling, loud moaning, talking out of his head and then when asking him what he was talking about he'd say he was dreaming, seizures, anger, cursing, his body vibrates as does his voice and then he begins jumping up and down and swinging his arms back and forth. I started jotting down the dates and how long his binges would last about a year or more ago and recently looked back on them. I have found that on the 16th of every month is when he binges. This is when the doctor gives him his refills and also when his sister (who is also addicted) gets her's too. They share pills. And now he has a brother who just recently had a back surgery too, so more pills. I have a bad back and my primary suggested a pain clinic. I get Percosets of my own, however they are half of the strength of his and have to keep them hidden. My doctor has threatened to fire me as a patient because I'm not taking ENOUGH pills. Well, usually I run out and this tells me that my AH has found my hiding places!! So now I've decided not to go back at all and just take Ibuprofen and deal with it. It's a losing battle!! My husband never remembers his actions afterwards and he talks to himself, acts like a lunatic, looks like a drunk and it's disgusting AND scary too!! Our little dog tries to bite him when he's like this. I might add that the binges most often last about 5 days and once or twice a month. He can also go days without sleeping or eating too!

I have thought several times of asking my AH to leave. I pay rent, live on disability and can barely make ends meet as it is. I don't have a vehicle and not in good enough shape to walk very far. I have two family members in the same town but can't depend upon either one of them as one is an alcoholic and the other severely mentally ill. I am nearing 60 years old and how on earth did my life get turned upside down to the point I feel helpless???!!!

So much more I want to say, but his moaning in the background is making me nervous.

Had to vent and hope someone out there is awake and can touch base with me. Help please!

incitingsilence

Well one thing is for sure if he didn’t follow up with the spot they saw on his brain he should as asap.
Everything is subjective when something like the above is in the mix. Sure he is an addict, which tends to be the easiest way to explain what you are seeing. Addicts use, they get high, push limits for that high, they act irrational, they talk crazy, or respond to questions in strange ways, they do the blame game, they shift the focus to make you the problem, cause they for sure don’t have one. They lie, compare out…
Opiates, the twitching normal shakes are as well , both more pronounced when they sleep…both even worse in wd.

But seizures bug me…usually tramadol using over the max limit of 400 mgs a day is a huge culprit, but then it can cause seizures at a lower doses. Once you have the first the next ones follow fairly easily. If you are more prone (and no one doesn’t necessarily know this) they happen faster. Other opiates and seizures are kinda rare, sure they can happen, anything can happen, but it isn’t at all something normal with this addiction. Do you know what focal seizures are? If not look it up, that is what I thought reading some of what you wrote.

Ever think to just call 911 when his behavior scares you?

And I would work on leaving, or getting him out. You are not helpless, no one is, and if we think we are, that is just us thinking we are, not really the truth.

Take good care of you.

Hanna

Hi LoreM,
Welcome to SR. So glad you found this awesome space on the Internet.

Start out by reading the sticky posts at the top of the F&F forum.
Have you ever thought about attending some alanon meetings to check them out?

I am sorry you are going through this. Isn't life just a deal? The good news is you can make changes in your own life to make things better. Whether you ask him to leave or not.
Reading the other threads people post here helped so many of us more than you can imagine.

I'm going to say a prayer for you and your husband now.
More folks will be along with words of wisdom soon.

Hanna

LoreM

Thank you for the feedback and suggestions. I might add that my husband has been prescribed nearly everything possible over the years including morphine, tramadol, Elavil for depression, oxycontin, oxycodone, Soma, Ultram, etc. You name it, he's probably been on it at one time or another. Several years ago he experienced 2 seizures and doctors ran tests, but everything came back normal. The spot on the brain has been noticed on a couple of occasions and I did some research online that suggested it might be due to overuse of narcotics....a scarring of sorts. He doesn't seem concerned and I won't push it with him.

Right now it seems he is either running low on pills or might be totally out of them because he's sleeping a lot, but when awake seems "normal" or as close to normal as he can get. I am trying to figure out what to do come March 1st as I live on an extremely low income, don't own a vehicle and not sure who I could get to help me move out. It's just me and my dog and then my husband of course. The apt. we are in is in my name only, but I'm not in a safe area to go this alone! Need to make other plans for me and the dog. I have had a couple of offers to move in with friends but can't have my pet who has been at my side for over 10 years now, so that's a no go. My income isn't enough to rent a place without someone else putting in writing and getting notarized a statement that they give me so much per week to help with rent! My husband did this for me to get the place I'm in now. Police are at this complex nearly every night and I get scared even walking my dog, let alone think about living here by myself!! Scary stuff! So right now I'm weighing my options however slim they may be. You know, what's the best thing to do right now?

Back to hubby----When he gets messed up on Percoset and muscle relaxers he moans so loudly and tells me he's in pain, walks hunched over, uses a cane, etc. He sounds like a cat in heat sometimes!! It's totally disgusting and this goes on 24/7 without a break!! Whenever I ask why he does this when on pain pills and no other time he just says BECAUSE I'M IN PAIN!! My next question is, "Are you in pain when you don't have the pills??" Because he walks around normal, lifts heavy items, helps people move, etc.!!! This doesn't make sense to me at all! I would never take pills that made me hurt all over!! SHEESH!! Is this a rebound thing or what? I don't get it at all.....nothing makes sense. Of course, his answer is "I am in pain ALL THE TIME!" Now he accuses me of thinking he's pretending to be hurting when he's on pills. Points the finger at me and blames me for everything. Night before last I woke up in the middle of the night to find 3 lit cigarettes on the carpeted floor! One of them was still smoking and burning a hole in carpet! The other two put themselves out somehow. Had I not gotten up when I did this place would most likely have gone up in flames!!!! And who is responsible for damages? ME!! Worse yet, we could have been burned alive! I'm worn out.......look ragged, feel sick.....no energy, sleeping in spurts, risking my life and that of my dog's life as well.

I do NOT want to go to shelter because the humane society would take my little dog and he'd grieve himself to death without me. This is not an option. Please help me figure out what's best to do at this point in time. I would be very grateful. Thanks for listening...........

EnglishGarden

Well, something has to change, doesn't it? That usually means we have to make a reasonable plan and put it into action.

Have you considered filing for divorce with a request for your fair share of whatever assets your employed husband of 20 years has, in addition to alimony? Your husband is a drug addict, you are at physical and mental risk, and with the guidance of a legal aid attorney perhaps you could divorce him and have enough to live on for a time while you seek a more stable living situation.

You might call 1-800-799-SAFE and explain your vulnerable, confining situation with a drug addict spouse and ask if they can refer you to a counselor or attorney who can help you find a way to an independent and safe life. Your disability and limited income and isolation makes you extremely vulnerable to the emotional abuse any spouse of a drug addict must endure, and you need to get him out of the apartment and ultimately legally divorced. Otherwise, you will be at the daily mercy of his addiction.

His pain: opiates create pain. It has been documented that opiates actually increase pain in addicts. He is messed up and if you cannot leave the apartment, it will be best to take legal action to get him out of it.

LoreM

Well, this problem with my husband's pain pill addiction has escalated since my first post. Just last week I was in the bathroom lining up MY prescription meds because I hadn't actually been taking my cholesterol pills or my anti-depressants for quite some time. The pharmacy has been doing an automatic refill on them, so found that I had 4-5 bottles each! I told the doctor day before yesterday that I hadn't been taking them and what the deal was, so she's well aware, but promised I'd start taking the meds now. Last night I went in to take my anti-depressant (I NEED THEM NOW with the stress going on with hubby) and couldn't find my pills!! Of course he knew nothing about them...played dumb asking me what they were for, etc. He searched with me, high and low and came up with nothing. Later last night I decided to check under the sink and found a plastic shoebox just full of empty RX bottles. Some had the labels torn off while others were bottles that belonged to him, to me and also had his brother's name on them and his sister's!!! I was like, what the heck is going on with this?" In the meantime I discovered 4 empty anti-depressant bottles with 2013 expiration dates. MINE! ALSO, found as aspirin bottle with 3 different types of pills inside. So now I'm worried about my daily meds. Are the contents what they are supposed to be or has he exhanged them with something else? The only things I take are high blood pressure, cholesterol, and thyroid...stuff like that. I do have a low dosage pain med for my back, but normally he doesn't touch it because it's missing an ingredient that gives him his high. Figures as much!!

Okay, to sum this up....he'd fully denied touching my meds...has no clue where they went or what happened to them. He's still a mess today! Usually I write down the date as to when it starts, but this time I didn't do that. I'd guess it's been 4 or 5 days of binging so far. He is completely out of it right now. My niece is due to stop by so she and her fiance' will see him like this, but so be it. My rent is due today......I don't want to pay to live in this horrible place another month with my little dog. Need to find another place to live that will accommodate just me and my beloved pet. I know that when we separate I will lose the internet (he's ruined my credit so can't get it turned on without paying over $3000 for equipment that wasn't returned....he is clueless as to where it might be) and also he'll take the t.v. and other things that he's provided. I am getting to the point that I cannot handle the steps outside...2 flights. Had to borrow a walker from a neighbor to get to the cab for my doctor appt. on Tuesday.

Presently I am trying to get a refill on the anti-d's, but afraid that they just filled that prescription about a week ago. Automated system said that it needs a doctor's approval and won't know until Tuesday of next week. I am sitting here feeling so anxious, nervous and worried. If only I could get around to check on apartments for rent today!!

Forgot to mention that we both see the same doctor and our appointments are at the same time too. When we went this last time the nurse asked my husband what was wrong with him as of course he was messed up on pills and didn't seem to care who saw him like that. It was quite embarrassing to me. He just said he hadn't had much sleep. Then the PA asked the same question and ordered a drug test. At first my husband took the paperwork to the next building acting as tho his intentions were good, but came back and said, "I'm not going to do this because I did it the last time I was here and plus there are 8 people ahead of me." Our PA told him that if he didn't do it she would not give him refills on pain meds. Since I was being detained with scheduling the follow ups, he went outside. Not sure if he actually had the labs drawn or not. When we got home I asked him if he thought he was going to get fired once the results come back and his response was, "I don't know and I don't care."

LoreM

My husband has no income and no assets and he is presently trying to get on disability but he keeps getting turned down. Going on 3 years now! Most recently his attorney filed an appeal and "supposedly" told that he would hear something any day now. My AH is thinking he stands to receive over $30K in retro active pay on his first check once he's approved, but I have to ask myself why he keeps getting turned down if indeed his disabilities are as bad/severe as he's told me they were...........? So, I don't stand to gain a thing from him as everything that we have left belongs to me other than a few of his personal belongings. The only thing I stand to lose is INTERNET which is important to me since I don't have a car to get out and about and a t.v. I'd be stuck in this tiny unsafe apt. just me and the dog and a phone...........ugh! Wish I was in a position to be more independant. Need someone to sign a notarized statement saying that they help with my rent so I could qualify on my own for a studio apt. w/utilities paid. AH did that the last time, but should I kick him out, I don't stand a chance. I would hate to think I'd be stuck here alone in this place, but rent is due today...he's a mess...a BIG MESS right now!

hello-kitty

Unfortunately you aren't going to be able to fix your husband. And I don't think your problem is something that any of us can fix for you or something that you are going to be able to solve overnight.

I always find that making a plan helps. Try setting some personal goals and then taking baby steps to reach those goals. When we are faced with moving a mountain, we CAN move it - one shovelful at time.

It sounds like you wish you were in a position to be more independent. Maybe this is a good place to start with goal setting and babysteps to achieve more independence. Instead of focusing on what you can't do, try focusing on what you can do.

I think you would really be served by attending an alanon or naranon meeting and reading a book called "codependent no more" by Melanie Beatty.

chickady

Drug addicts will deny and lie about taking your medication. Then they will search WITH you to find the "lost" pills.

Get out now!! The pain you will endure at the beginning without him will last MUCH less than the misery you will live with by staying. There is NO reason you should have to keep a journal of your own medications and of the way he acts. This is affecting you and bringing you stress you DO NOT deserve.

Get help for yourself NOW!

laurie6781

I am sorry you are going through this but glad that you have found Sober Recovery.

Please call your nearest Domestic Violence Shelter. Yes I said Domestic Violence and
I said it because what he is doing is ABUSE, maybe not physical, but many times the
emotional and verbal can be much worse than the physical. The DV center usually
has services and they can certainly help you, with legal advice, with getting onto
Sec 8, which will help pay your rent, and yes many places that accept Sec 8 also accept
pets under a certain weight. I know there is HUD housing in the area you are in and
I also know that there are private landlords that accept Sec. 8 in your area.

Sec 8 is for low income and/or disabled people and you certainly qualify. Your rent
will be 30% of your monthly income. The Sec. 8 pays the difference from what you are
required to pay and the total rent.

I have sent you a private message (PM)

Please call the DV center and tell them what you have told us. You are living in a very
dangerous situation and need help now.

Love and hugs,

shinebright7

I can relate to how maddening it is to discover that your husband is taking your prescription medications. It is so hard to want them to stop doing it, and to just be HONEST, and then they can't stop and continue to lie.

I think someone in a post above mentioned Al Anon -- it's totally saving me, that's for sure. I went there out of desperation - just like those who enter AA for recovery go when they are really desperate.

Al Anon is helping me find ways to take care of myself whether my husband is using or not. It's really bringing me back to some serious self-care that I have needed for a long time and is giving me a sense of hope and peace in an otherwise very depressing and sad situation.

Counting pills, hiding them, all these things that I have done I have discovered are just making me sicker and sicker. I go to Al Anon because my husband's sickness has made me sick and I need help recovering from my own stuff now.

Thinking of you and hoping you find some ease and inner relief too. Stay safe. Have hope. You are loved.