Argnotthisagain

Hi SA friends......I need a sense of perspective cuz im not doing too well with my own lately.

It's kind of embarrassing to admit it I guess...but I can't seem to stop the self-pity/catastrophic thinking. I keep trying but feel like I'm not making progress.....or not fast enough, anyway. (Yeah, patience is not my best quality)

Is this a typical codie problem? Crap! It's *always* been a problem for me, so I guess this is an opportunity to work some MORE on changing it.... I just could use some suggestions.

If you had a really damaging ACOA background and know about overcoming the really sad thinking and distortion you learn from that, I would especially like to hear your thoughts.

Thanks ....Arg, I feel embarrassed and ....just don't even know if it's ok to ask such a thing.

Thanks again mi amigas

LexieCat

Of course it's OK! That's what this forum is here for.

I don't have an ACOA background, but I did do my share of catastrophizing. Slowing down and taking things one day, and one step, at a time helped. Most of the things I was imagining and fearing never came to pass.

Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, that can help a lot.

It takes time. I get you about the patience thing--I've always had trouble with that, too. My AA sponsor used to say, "Don't worry--you are right where you are supposed to be." Ticked me off when she said it--but I do believe she was right.

Argnotthisagain

Thanks lexie!

Yep been going to Al Anon. Wish I could have gone this evening but had to work. There are meetings tomorrow so definitely will be going.

Good point about most of the things you're worrying about never happening.......
But some of them seem like they very likely could.....and then I'm off the rails again.

I've been procrastinating, but I need to find a therapist around here, someone who's experienced working with people who have trauma issues and such.

I should pat myself on the back for how far I've come over the years, but that's not feeling like enough right now.

LexieCat

The other thing that helps, too, is to remember that worrying about problems really doesn't prevent them from happening. I know I used to feel like if I wasn't worrying I wasn't doing my job. WHAAA??? When you think about it, it's almost superstitious. Like keeping your fingers crossed--if I worry enough about it, it won't happen.

PLUS worrying about stuff that conceivably COULD happen takes your attention away from the small things you CAN do something about. Stuff that improves the quality of life.

Anyway, yeah, find yourself a good therapist. That might do you a world of good.

ninja07

Self pity and depression every second of every day. It is getting a bit better but then I realize that I am a 42 year old woman and I just broke up with the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with because he is abusive. The thoughts fill my head that I will be alone for the rest of my life, that I’m not good enough to make him stop drinking, that a beverage is more important than me!!! However, I fight it, every day. I am happier alone then living on the knife’s edge every day. Just like them we have to go one day, one second at a time.

Argnotthisagain

Yep, you're right about the worrying. It's automatic by now.

But yeah there is that superstitious feeling that I'm trying to prevent the baaaad thinnngs,

Yeah...therapist. On my To Do list for Monday.

Argnotthisagain

Hey ninja...What the HECK!!!!! Have you been reading my mind? ..well I am SO RELIEVED to know I'm not the only one!

I'm 55 and feel the same way, have the same thoughts.
I look pretty good but the only responses I've gotten on the two dateing sites I joined have been from men over 65!!!!!!! Goddammit! God that is infuriating! Like I'm garbage, now that I'm not rosy cheeked and dewy skinned? Goddamn men only interested in women half their age, who wont even give a woman their own age (or a few years younger even) a glance!

I guess I have to be more aware of "one minute at a time" and remember to try focusing on the moment where I am.

It's dissociating...that's what I do. Just realized that this moment. I mean I had wondered if that's part of it but just caught it in action, I guess. I realize that I learned it big time growing up. So by now, it's a Big. Fat. Habit.

Changing habits sucks but it can be done. Just wish there was a little more immediate reward, feeling better quicker.

ninja07

We will get through this. I do feel shallow when I think about spending my life alone - I should be happy that I've made it out. I don't know if I will ever want to go on a dating site again, it is to often ucky; like trying on bathing suits. I am just going to try to be happy and relearn to be myself.

LifeRecovery

I have found that therapy really helped me with this.

I did not have an awful childhood, but I did learn codependency at an early age (both my parents grew up in alcoholic homes....without any recovery).

For me that was in part how I get somewhere and hang out there....it is also why I hung in there with my loved one with drinking problems (it stemmed from the same stuff).

I have gotten a ton from Al-Anon also, but sometimes Al-Anon confuses me and if I am not careful can throw me back into some of these ways. Luckily my therapist is versed in Al-Anon and often can help me. Most of the time it is not Al-Anon....it is something from when I was young catching me up (and Al-Anon just brings it up).

Finally I am not judging, but I am finding that I do this behavior with myself, get myself into unhealthy friendships from it, and definatlyget myself into unhealthy intimate relationships too. I don't know that i would be ready to work on this and an intimate dating relationship at the same time.

outonalimb

I can most definitely relate. I'm suffering from some terrible anxiety lately. I finally broke down and scheduled an appt. for counseling. I've never done that for myself. But I want to get better so I'm going to do everything I can to get and maintain peace in my life. I've had enough of the fear and anger and anxiety.

I saw a great quote in a magazine. I cut it out and it's now on my fridge and I try to recite it to myself when my thoughts start racing with a bunch of 'what if' scenarios:

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength"

Isn't that a great quote?
I want to enjoy today for all it has to offer.
I dont' want to future trip anymore.

Let's just keep taking care of ourselves. Al anon has helped me more than I could ever tell you.

Hugs
Mary

ShootingStar1

Argnotthisagain, I am so sorry for all the pain that you are enduring. I, too, am an ACOA, and left my STBXAH 7 months ago, and have struggled with letting go.

There is a book that I bought after someone here on SR recommended that might interest you. Its The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes, PhD. The book has many specific exercises to do to help figure out exactly what has happened to you, where you go off track, and how to recover. I think it is very very insightful. It is what happened to me as a child in a highly dysfunctional alcoholic family, and I see those roots in my willingness to stay in an increasingly abusive 20 year marriage.

Here's some of the underpinnings of the book:

Betrayal. A form of abandonment. Often the abandonment is difficult to see because the betrayer can be still close, even intimate, or may be intruding into your life. Yet your interests, your well-being is continually sacrificed.

Abandonment is at the core of addictions. Abandonment causes deep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect. Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. If the wound is deep enough, and the terror big enough, your bodily systems shift to am alarm state. You never feel safe. You're always on full-alert, just waiting for the hurt to begin again. In that state of readiness, you're unaware that part of you has died. You are grieving. Like everyone who has loss, you have shock and disbelief, fear, loneliness and sadness. Yet you are unaware of these feelings because your guard is up. In your readiness, you abandon yourself.

But that is not the worst. The worst is a mind-numbing highly addictive attachment to the people who have hurt you... These attachments cause you to distrust your own judgment, distort your own realities, and place yourself at even greater risk. The great irony? You are bracing yourself against further hurt. The result? A guarantee of more pain. These attachments have a name. They are called betrayal bonds.

Exploitive relationships create betrayal bonds. These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to him or her...

Now here is the important: You will never mend the wound without dealing with the betrayal bond.... we must learn how to handle betrayal and the torturous, obsessional relationships that evolve out of treachery... Trust is restored when we learn to trust ourselves and build trust with each other...."

ShootingStar1

Neagrm

Arg, it's wonderful that you're searching and open to learning. It sounds like you have a growing awareness and understanding of your situation/some of the dynamics at work and that is always key to future growth.

I went to Al-Anon for years and more years and found it very helpful. Several years ago I finally REALLY got-it when I made myself choose a sponsor and started closely working the steps with regular one-on-one and small-group compassion and patience. It's been a life-saver and given me quality of life, healing many wounded places in my heart.

Never, never give up and keep coming back. Look for experience, strength, and hope in those healthy ones around you and it'll come.

Although it may initially sound trite and simplistic, something specific that I use especially when things look dark and impossible, is making a gratitude list and doing gratitude meditation. I've learned to use it as a practice every day. Now when I find myself in those bleak moments of seeming hopelessness, I'm able to become aware of my self-talk, stop the negative direction even if only momentarily. And turn to gratitude meditation.

Even if I cannot really feel it in my heart, just the exercise of going through the practice of gratitude for some little thing, maybe as basic as-I can open my eyes and see that cup of tea, give thanks for seeing and tasting the warmth - it brings me into the present moment, takes me out of the past and the future and into NOW. When I can do that for even a minute, often I'll soon find the day turns around.

That's what I do in these winter days when I develop seasonal depression. Or I give someone a call on the phone list or call my sponsor. And I chant a mantra using one of the slogans described in the book, How Al-Anon Works.

Your awareness is a great step forward more than you know. You're already on your way on the road to healing. Best wishes!

Audrey1

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. It seems a few of us are feeling this way at the moment. Maybe it's a seasonal thing. I really thought I was on my way to doing better but seem to have plummeted into the depths of despair again. I'm thinking it's an up and down process. I have not been to this site for a while which has perhaps contributed to my downfall.

I recommend a book by Dr Wayne Dyer "Your Erroneous Zones". There is a chapter on guilt and worry, and the futility of these emotions. It makes a lot of sense.

"The present moment is the key to understanding your guilt and worry activities. Learn to live now and not waste your current moments in immobilizing thoughts about the past or future. There is no other moment to live but now, and all of your futile guilt and worry are done in the elusive now."

I hope you manage to find some brighter days ahead.

Argnotthisagain

Woa.

Shooting star.....
Just, woa.
Well, it's already much later than i promised myself i would get to bed.

But i just wanted to quicly say....woa.

Ive been in therapy many times....my situation was hellish growing up. Mother was BPD, realllly severe and sick sick sick. Not all that different from extremely sick A's...

Anyway, im just tired of the fall-out of all that and am tired of needing therapy...and tired of feeling so alone in the world and well, kind of shafted. Frankly.

But anyway, been really sinking in and giving in to depression. Gotta get offline now and get to bed. Staying up all night has been feeding into it, so I've got to change this habit.

Goodnight and thanks for the book excerpts

FireSprite

This is something that I've struggled with since realizing the extent of RAH's drinking before he sought therapy. I was really surprised when I couldn't just 'get it under control' after he started his recovery & things started looking more positive... it only seemed to intensify & spin more out of control, making me feel really out of sorts & ungrounded.

On my journey over the last year & a half or so, I've realized many, many insights about my ACoA family history & come to terms with more than I ever realized I needed to; uncovering enough to realize I'd be completely stupid if I thought I was done 'finding' things. I'm starting to realize that this feeling of depression/self-pity isn't new, it's something I carried through most of my childhood.

I think of myself as a strong, independent person because I became one in my adult life, but that's not who I was as a child & I somehow forgot all of that... I was an absolute wallflower, utterly intimidated by my peers & never one to take a leadership role until about the time I left my FOO & moved out of my parent's house.

Something, somewhere in the process of dealing with an AH, I myself triggered back to my earlier mindset & it is a battle sometimes to keep myself sane. I recently compared it to how it must feel to a person being caught in a riptide.... you think you're getting on just fine & don't see any big signs that there's trouble ahead & suddenly, wham! You're caught up in this feeling of being dragged under & you never saw it coming so you couldn't prepare to defend yourself.

Gratitude helps me a lot, doing stuff with my DD helps a TON because she's always a happy little camper & she keeps me "in the Now" , deep breathing is sometimes the only thing that keeps me grounded when these panic attacks happen at night & above all I try to put it all into perspective & look at the Bigger Picture. When I step outside of myself & look in I can often gain much better clarity & usually find that whatever I'm stressing is much more insignificant than my reaction indicates. That shift of perspective helps me A LOT!