Help with detaching
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Costa Mesa, ca
Posts: 46
Help with detaching
I have posted here before about my newly relapsed alcoholic/ addict boyfriend. I find I have been missing in action from here and feeling ashamed to post here because I know most of you have told me to leave and I have not yet taken that step. I guess I have not hit my "rock bottom" as an alcoholic would. I just don't feel I'm ready to leave. He has not touched or come near his drug of choice. Or gotten crazy out of control drunk. Just beers each night. I am trying to hard to detach and let it be and work on myself but I feel like every step of the way he is pushing the limit. First smoking pot, then drinking occasionally, then drinking every night, and now tonight asking our roomate if he wanted to go out at and party. My heart sunk, anger set in, as it does every time I see him open a beer but this was too much. How is one supposed to keep it together at these times? I do so well for a week and then something new that scares me happens and I just react. Do any of you have any tips for keeping calm and level headed during these times. The weeks in which I am doing well are SIGNIFICANTLY better. It is almost as if when I am not nagging at him or getting upset his desire to drink or act out lessons. Thank you all again for your time. I know all of your advice is valid and probably from years of experience. I'm just not there yet.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Central Valley
Posts: 131
Sorry- I'm going to sound like a B - but 'keeping him calm and level headed'? He's not a dog you need to train.
How about leaving? He clearly is not interested in any kind of recovery, and probably sees your nagging as an excuse to use more. (Personal experience).
How about leaving? He clearly is not interested in any kind of recovery, and probably sees your nagging as an excuse to use more. (Personal experience).
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by noanxtime 
Sorry- I'm going to sound like a B - but 'keeping him calm and level headed'? He's not a dog you need to train.
How about leaving? He clearly is not interested in any kind of recovery, and probably sees your nagging as an excuse to use more. (Personal experience).
How about leaving? He clearly is not interested in any kind of recovery, and probably sees your nagging as an excuse to use more. (Personal experience).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Arvada CO
Posts: 17
“My heart sunk, anger set in, as it does every time I see him open a beer but this was too much.”
I know that feeling. I am so sorry that anybody has to go through this – it is awful to have love, anger, hope and disappointment all rolled up inside of us. I have to say, and I hope it doesn’t offend you, that it seems as though we are just as addicted to that emotional mix as they are to their alcohol or drug. I don’t know why but it just seems that way to me. You can not change him, control him or elicit any kind of remorse from him for what he is putting you through; you can’t now or in the future! Walk away, do what you want to do. If you can’t leave him then so be it; enjoy what is left over when the alcohol is done with him for the night, hold each other. But let go of that anger – you are the only one who suffers.
I know that feeling. I am so sorry that anybody has to go through this – it is awful to have love, anger, hope and disappointment all rolled up inside of us. I have to say, and I hope it doesn’t offend you, that it seems as though we are just as addicted to that emotional mix as they are to their alcohol or drug. I don’t know why but it just seems that way to me. You can not change him, control him or elicit any kind of remorse from him for what he is putting you through; you can’t now or in the future! Walk away, do what you want to do. If you can’t leave him then so be it; enjoy what is left over when the alcohol is done with him for the night, hold each other. But let go of that anger – you are the only one who suffers.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Avalon,
All I can suggest in the "keeping calm and level-headed" department is to accept that he has relapsed, he is an alcoholic, and alcoholics will drink when they are not in recovery.
You don't need to be ashamed or afraid to post because you haven't left--whether and when to leave is a very personal decision. We can speak from our personal experience but we cannot know what is best for another person. When and if you find it is more painful to stay than it is to leave, you will leave--I hope so, anyway.
All I can suggest in the "keeping calm and level-headed" department is to accept that he has relapsed, he is an alcoholic, and alcoholics will drink when they are not in recovery.
You don't need to be ashamed or afraid to post because you haven't left--whether and when to leave is a very personal decision. We can speak from our personal experience but we cannot know what is best for another person. When and if you find it is more painful to stay than it is to leave, you will leave--I hope so, anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
Avalon,
I have been where you are. Not ready to leave, afraid to post here because I felt I was doing something wrong by not taking the advice of others who I knew were a)speaking from experience and b)wanting the best for me. As ninja said, we are as addicted to the emotional mix as the addicts are to their substances. I was absolutely addicted to my AXBF. I was addicted to the highs and the lows, the nausea and worry about what he would do next, the hope when he showed signs of improvement, the despair when those signs turned out to be smoke and mirrors. I had every reason to walk away so many times. It wouldn't even have been difficult, logistically; we had no kids together, didn't live together, didn't work together, etc. But I just wasn't ready. I came to this forum at the worst point in his drinking (at least the worst I had seen) and everyone saw the red flags and said go. People in my life said the same thing. But I didn't. He ended up hurting me worse in the end than I ever would have expected. But I can honestly say I do not regret waiting until I was ready to leave. When I did, I knew there was no other option. I knew I had tried, and that he had tried in his own way, and that it wasn't going to happen. I am not telling you to stay, of course, and I hope that things change for the better for you (whether that means detaching, or by some miracle him getting better)...but just know that those who have said we can't tell you when it's your right time to leave are right. In a way, it's kind of like an addict/alcoholic trying to get clean for someone else. It will be done halfheartedly and may cause more damage than fix anything, unless you leave because YOU are ready.
I have been where you are. Not ready to leave, afraid to post here because I felt I was doing something wrong by not taking the advice of others who I knew were a)speaking from experience and b)wanting the best for me. As ninja said, we are as addicted to the emotional mix as the addicts are to their substances. I was absolutely addicted to my AXBF. I was addicted to the highs and the lows, the nausea and worry about what he would do next, the hope when he showed signs of improvement, the despair when those signs turned out to be smoke and mirrors. I had every reason to walk away so many times. It wouldn't even have been difficult, logistically; we had no kids together, didn't live together, didn't work together, etc. But I just wasn't ready. I came to this forum at the worst point in his drinking (at least the worst I had seen) and everyone saw the red flags and said go. People in my life said the same thing. But I didn't. He ended up hurting me worse in the end than I ever would have expected. But I can honestly say I do not regret waiting until I was ready to leave. When I did, I knew there was no other option. I knew I had tried, and that he had tried in his own way, and that it wasn't going to happen. I am not telling you to stay, of course, and I hope that things change for the better for you (whether that means detaching, or by some miracle him getting better)...but just know that those who have said we can't tell you when it's your right time to leave are right. In a way, it's kind of like an addict/alcoholic trying to get clean for someone else. It will be done halfheartedly and may cause more damage than fix anything, unless you leave because YOU are ready.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
His disease is a progressive one, he is not in recovery, he is getting worse.
Stay if you like, however, with that comes the consequence, it is called acceptance. You either need to accept him just the way he is or leave. He is not going to change for you, he will not get clean and sober for you. The only person that he can successfully do it for..is
hm, it is totally up to him. He has choices, as do you.
Are you going to meetings? Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, and Women Who Love Too Much? I believe that all would be of help to you.
Hope this all works out the way you would like it to.
Stay if you like, however, with that comes the consequence, it is called acceptance. You either need to accept him just the way he is or leave. He is not going to change for you, he will not get clean and sober for you. The only person that he can successfully do it for..is
hm, it is totally up to him. He has choices, as do you.
Are you going to meetings? Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, and Women Who Love Too Much? I believe that all would be of help to you.
Hope this all works out the way you would like it to.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by Avalon393
Do any of you have any tips for keeping calm and level headed during these times. The weeks in which I am doing well are SIGNIFICANTLY better. It is almost as if when I am not nagging at him or getting upset his desire to drink or act out lessons.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boopville
Posts: 122
An addict is an addict is an addict. Many addicts will substitute one addiction for another because their mind craves something to calm us, make us happy or whatever. I was a co-dependent wife of an addict who later became a alcoholic myself. I now have a newfound respect of what he was going through at that time I didn't understand in my mind it was as simple as him making a choice it is not. I am in general am a pretty indecisive person and will only make a decision when forced to or when I reach my breaking point. I would come up with any and all types of excuses to stay and then I finally snapped one day and that was it. It took me eight years and two kids to get to that point but I did get there. When I look back I think I was crazy staying as long as I did as the only person getting hurt was me and I was letting it happen. He could of cared less and still could care less. I think you already know what you want to do but you are afraid to do it otherwise you would not be here. You are the only one who has the power to change your life. We have zero power in changing someone else's. So you have to ask yourself and be honest with yourself " Am I prepared to life the rest of my life this way?" "By staying in this relationship will I always wonder, worry and fret that things will get worse?" . Good luck to you in making your choice I know it is hard but no one said life was going to be easy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I am disturbed and sad that people are hesitant to post on Sober Recovery because they fear disapproval when they do not take the counsel they receive here.
That's not what this forum is about. To me, this forum is a safe haven where I can come when there is no where else to go, no one else who truly understands the issue I am facing at the moment I come.
Coming here is not about prescribed outcomes. It is about support, sharing of thoughts, compassion, wisdom so that the poster is heard and, hopefully, gains support and maybe even a new way to think about a problem.
It takes each of us the time it takes - no more, no less - to come to a resolution about how we want to live, and we all need to respect that.
Avalon, one thing that helps me is to try to get myself back into my own head, and not think about what I need/want to do by first looking at it from my STBXAH's perspective. Here's an example. After almost 20 years of increasingly dysfunctional drinking and other addictions, I left my AH on July 4th and filed immediately for divorce. His charging $1700 on MY credit card for porn girls somehow just focused my attention right away. I left within an hour and never went back.
Now, he has missed every Court deadline and filed essentially no financial information, and is about to default on the divorce settlement. That will mean that I will, without his input, fashion a divorce settlement agreement and submit it to the Judge.
Am I happy? I was initially, then I sunk into depression, aggravated I am sure by bronchitis and a severe sinus infection. All I could see was that I might make a settlement that wouldn't be "fair' to him, or that might make his life more difficult. That led me back into grieving for him, for the life we had, for what I (we) were losing... That led me further into depression and I knew I wasn't thinking clearly, but I just couldn't get there. He sent me nice e-mails, Happy Valentine's Day, and I was getting sucked back in.
Several people here posted threads about doing what YOU need to do, not about living in the alcoholic's mental framework, trying to take care of them. I finally got it. My AH has had every opportunity to file any and all the paperwork he wanted to; he has had every opportunity to negotiate this divorce settlement for his own benefit. I don't have to - I can't - imagine what would please him and try to put that in the settlement.
What I can do is think through what I want and what I need, and in the context of general fairness and honor, propose what I need to the Judge.
How is one supposed to keep it together at these times? I do so well for a week and then something new that scares me happens and I just react. Do any of you have any tips for keeping calm and level headed during these times. The weeks in which I am doing well are SIGNIFICANTLY better. It is almost as if when I am not nagging at him or getting upset his desire to drink or act out lessons. Thank you all again for your time. I know all of your advice is valid and probably from years of experience. I'm just not there yet.
I think that's great. You are making some huge distinctions about which behavior towards your alcoholic results in more peace and calm for YOU. Incident by incident, you will discover what feels better, what you really want. This is a process, not a formula. You are trying different actions and observing the results, then thinking about what that means to you, then letting what you have learned guide your next choices.
I think that is the true Alanon path. Someday, I suspect you'll wake up and say "Oh, got it! I know now", and you'll take action with a clear decisive mind. Until then, this is a learning process and you are entitled to take however much time you want. Best wishes, come here often!
ShootingStar1
That's not what this forum is about. To me, this forum is a safe haven where I can come when there is no where else to go, no one else who truly understands the issue I am facing at the moment I come.
Coming here is not about prescribed outcomes. It is about support, sharing of thoughts, compassion, wisdom so that the poster is heard and, hopefully, gains support and maybe even a new way to think about a problem.
It takes each of us the time it takes - no more, no less - to come to a resolution about how we want to live, and we all need to respect that.
Avalon, one thing that helps me is to try to get myself back into my own head, and not think about what I need/want to do by first looking at it from my STBXAH's perspective. Here's an example. After almost 20 years of increasingly dysfunctional drinking and other addictions, I left my AH on July 4th and filed immediately for divorce. His charging $1700 on MY credit card for porn girls somehow just focused my attention right away. I left within an hour and never went back.
Now, he has missed every Court deadline and filed essentially no financial information, and is about to default on the divorce settlement. That will mean that I will, without his input, fashion a divorce settlement agreement and submit it to the Judge.
Am I happy? I was initially, then I sunk into depression, aggravated I am sure by bronchitis and a severe sinus infection. All I could see was that I might make a settlement that wouldn't be "fair' to him, or that might make his life more difficult. That led me back into grieving for him, for the life we had, for what I (we) were losing... That led me further into depression and I knew I wasn't thinking clearly, but I just couldn't get there. He sent me nice e-mails, Happy Valentine's Day, and I was getting sucked back in.
Several people here posted threads about doing what YOU need to do, not about living in the alcoholic's mental framework, trying to take care of them. I finally got it. My AH has had every opportunity to file any and all the paperwork he wanted to; he has had every opportunity to negotiate this divorce settlement for his own benefit. I don't have to - I can't - imagine what would please him and try to put that in the settlement.
What I can do is think through what I want and what I need, and in the context of general fairness and honor, propose what I need to the Judge.
How is one supposed to keep it together at these times? I do so well for a week and then something new that scares me happens and I just react. Do any of you have any tips for keeping calm and level headed during these times. The weeks in which I am doing well are SIGNIFICANTLY better. It is almost as if when I am not nagging at him or getting upset his desire to drink or act out lessons. Thank you all again for your time. I know all of your advice is valid and probably from years of experience. I'm just not there yet.
I think that's great. You are making some huge distinctions about which behavior towards your alcoholic results in more peace and calm for YOU. Incident by incident, you will discover what feels better, what you really want. This is a process, not a formula. You are trying different actions and observing the results, then thinking about what that means to you, then letting what you have learned guide your next choices.
I think that is the true Alanon path. Someday, I suspect you'll wake up and say "Oh, got it! I know now", and you'll take action with a clear decisive mind. Until then, this is a learning process and you are entitled to take however much time you want. Best wishes, come here often!
ShootingStar1
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