Some people do not like changes in me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 67
Some people do not like changes in me
I'm seeing some positive changes in me since I started working on my recovery, however not everybody likes that. I've always been a people pleaser often going to the extreames just to make people like me. In the last several months I'm trying to change this and I can see how some people are not happy about the changes.
Can anybody relate?
Can anybody relate?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Yes. When we have lived in an enabling, addicted, abusive surrounding we all play our parts. I learned in AA family treatment that it's like we all are in a cheerleading pyramid built around the alcoholic holding on tightly and building up. When one gets fed up and leaves the pyramid it can all come crashing down so the others who are still holding it up, rush to try to get you back to keep it stable. But when you leave, it does come crashing down. Then they are left with the crash and blame you.
Don't give up. They may never see their part. But you have done the right thing.
Don't give up. They may never see their part. But you have done the right thing.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Soon to be upstate New York
Posts: 48
Jur123, I think your experience is typical. Kialua gave a great analogy. I was talking about this to a friend once, and she said that it's like crabs in a bucket. If you put a bunch of crabs in a bucket, they will eventually need to escape in order to survive. However, every time a crab tries to climb out, the other crabs will drag it back into the bucket. They behave in a way that leads to their inevitable demise. That reminded me a lot of my family. They would rather keep everyone down, than to get out, move forward, flourish, etc. They just stay miserable in the bucket.
You are making healthy choices, and unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change your family. When I first realized my family's pattern of dysfunction, I was very excited and I went to them and tried sharing everything I discovered on the internet, in therapy, and in self help books. They wanted nothing to do with it. Eventually I had to make the choice to distance myself, and nothing has really changed with them in all these years. They still try to pull me back in, but that will never happen. Once you see the truth, it can't be unseen. There's no going back...thankfully.
You are making healthy choices, and unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change your family. When I first realized my family's pattern of dysfunction, I was very excited and I went to them and tried sharing everything I discovered on the internet, in therapy, and in self help books. They wanted nothing to do with it. Eventually I had to make the choice to distance myself, and nothing has really changed with them in all these years. They still try to pull me back in, but that will never happen. Once you see the truth, it can't be unseen. There's no going back...thankfully.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 67
Thank you guys for your input.
It's not just my family I'm talking about. Some of my friends (if I can call them so) are not happy with my change either as I'm trying to get control of my peoples' pleasing behaviours, which means less favours for them. I'm still trying to be a good friend, but I'm not "sacrificing" myself anymore. I used to put other peoples needs above mine or say "yes" when I really meant "no". Now I'm trying to find a healthy balance in everything and some people do not like that. I knew it may happen so It's not a suprise.
It's not just my family I'm talking about. Some of my friends (if I can call them so) are not happy with my change either as I'm trying to get control of my peoples' pleasing behaviours, which means less favours for them. I'm still trying to be a good friend, but I'm not "sacrificing" myself anymore. I used to put other peoples needs above mine or say "yes" when I really meant "no". Now I'm trying to find a healthy balance in everything and some people do not like that. I knew it may happen so It's not a suprise.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
I can definitely relate.
At age 23, I spent two weeks in my parents' house with my two young children. In high school, when my younger sister complained about me, I was reprimanded and blamed, nothing I could do. At 23, when she was 14, I said no, I've been listening to her complaints about me all week, I know she's not happy I'm here, and I walked away from the table, rather than argue, yell, defend myself, or fight about it. My father followed me upstairs, and it led to him throwing me on a bed and trying to choke me. I packed up my chidren and my husband and I moved 2,000 miles away for 12 years.
When I thought things were better, we moved back. Two holidays in a row, a sibling had major meltdowns aimed at me and my daughter. Nobody said a word to her. I said, no, I'm not going back to her house for that. At future holidays at my parents' house, I didn't try so hard to get everyone talking with each other, didn't ask questions, or throw out topics of conversation, and I noticed we sat at the table in silence. It was quite a surprise.
It also led to AF informing me that he expected me to 'be more sociable' in future (I didn't point out to him that with 10 other adults in the house, I wasn't the only one capable of getting conversation going, so this was hardly my fault) and that he 'didn't like the new me.'
So, yes, I can definitely relate. It's made clear, when I say no to this stuff, that they don't like me that way at all.
I feel happier and healthier being away from it all, and I feel like I'm a much better parent to my children, so I stay away, regardless. I see my only choice as stay away or accept that I'm going to continue to be the scapegoat.
At age 23, I spent two weeks in my parents' house with my two young children. In high school, when my younger sister complained about me, I was reprimanded and blamed, nothing I could do. At 23, when she was 14, I said no, I've been listening to her complaints about me all week, I know she's not happy I'm here, and I walked away from the table, rather than argue, yell, defend myself, or fight about it. My father followed me upstairs, and it led to him throwing me on a bed and trying to choke me. I packed up my chidren and my husband and I moved 2,000 miles away for 12 years.
When I thought things were better, we moved back. Two holidays in a row, a sibling had major meltdowns aimed at me and my daughter. Nobody said a word to her. I said, no, I'm not going back to her house for that. At future holidays at my parents' house, I didn't try so hard to get everyone talking with each other, didn't ask questions, or throw out topics of conversation, and I noticed we sat at the table in silence. It was quite a surprise.
It also led to AF informing me that he expected me to 'be more sociable' in future (I didn't point out to him that with 10 other adults in the house, I wasn't the only one capable of getting conversation going, so this was hardly my fault) and that he 'didn't like the new me.'
So, yes, I can definitely relate. It's made clear, when I say no to this stuff, that they don't like me that way at all.
I feel happier and healthier being away from it all, and I feel like I'm a much better parent to my children, so I stay away, regardless. I see my only choice as stay away or accept that I'm going to continue to be the scapegoat.
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