New territory!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
New territory!
I'm going to apologize for my inevitable wordiness. This is quite some time in the making.
My husband is addicted to pain killers. I first found out about a year ago when I had noticed a drastic change in his behavior over the course of a couple of months. I finally confronted him and, thankfully, he confessed. My first reaction was to run far, far away. My ex husband was an alcoholic with PTSD that refused to get help. I had sworn up and down I wouldn't ever get involved with an addict again. Funny how you can't really plan these things. I stayed though, because I am nothing if not determined, plus when you find your perfect match, you're a little more committed to making things work. He weaned himself off, not completely, but down to only a couple ultrams a day. His demeanor was more or less back to normal and things were fine.
A few months later, his behavior started changing again. I knew he was back on pills but no matter how much I offered my support or inquired about his usage, he denied denied denied. Cut to the last few months in which our marriage has spiraled into one hellish day after the other. I'll be the first to say that many spouses/families of addicts have it A LOT worse, but this was nothing compared to what my life was and what I had envisioned. He went to work and even worked overtime, but this was because it was his access to his pills. He was home, but not present. When he did participate in life, it was like navigating a field of ticking time bombs. What would set him off today?
I never stopped being there for him because I knew that all of these fights, all of the bad were the pills, not him. I got mad at him for the things he did while on the pills, but never because he was addicted. I realized that I pretty much encompassed a codependent person and threw myself into books. I couldn't fix his problem, but I could fix me.
Today he made the decision to get on methadone and went to the clinic this morning. He's tried detoxing/tapering/weaning on his own and just can't. He can't change job fields so it's more than just detoxing and being done with pills since he will be surrounded by them. I support him in this decision and want nothing more than for him to feel better and become substance free.
Now I find myself feeling an insane amount of anger. I'm so mad at him for what he has put me and our kids through this past year. I'm mad that he has essentially lived in a fog and I have dealed with life and the effects of his addiction sober. I'm mad that he gets to take "medicine" and feel better. I'm mad that I have been this crazy, miserable person for the past year and our kids have no clue why (our oldest is only 9).
I know addiction and recovery is pure insanity and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. I'm in no way trying to minimize what my husband has and will go through. I just want to know how to deal with all this anger that I must have just been pushing away for the past year. How do I truly forgive and forget this?
Bless you if you made it through all this and thanks in advance to anyone who can throw me a bone.
My husband is addicted to pain killers. I first found out about a year ago when I had noticed a drastic change in his behavior over the course of a couple of months. I finally confronted him and, thankfully, he confessed. My first reaction was to run far, far away. My ex husband was an alcoholic with PTSD that refused to get help. I had sworn up and down I wouldn't ever get involved with an addict again. Funny how you can't really plan these things. I stayed though, because I am nothing if not determined, plus when you find your perfect match, you're a little more committed to making things work. He weaned himself off, not completely, but down to only a couple ultrams a day. His demeanor was more or less back to normal and things were fine.
A few months later, his behavior started changing again. I knew he was back on pills but no matter how much I offered my support or inquired about his usage, he denied denied denied. Cut to the last few months in which our marriage has spiraled into one hellish day after the other. I'll be the first to say that many spouses/families of addicts have it A LOT worse, but this was nothing compared to what my life was and what I had envisioned. He went to work and even worked overtime, but this was because it was his access to his pills. He was home, but not present. When he did participate in life, it was like navigating a field of ticking time bombs. What would set him off today?
I never stopped being there for him because I knew that all of these fights, all of the bad were the pills, not him. I got mad at him for the things he did while on the pills, but never because he was addicted. I realized that I pretty much encompassed a codependent person and threw myself into books. I couldn't fix his problem, but I could fix me.
Today he made the decision to get on methadone and went to the clinic this morning. He's tried detoxing/tapering/weaning on his own and just can't. He can't change job fields so it's more than just detoxing and being done with pills since he will be surrounded by them. I support him in this decision and want nothing more than for him to feel better and become substance free.
Now I find myself feeling an insane amount of anger. I'm so mad at him for what he has put me and our kids through this past year. I'm mad that he has essentially lived in a fog and I have dealed with life and the effects of his addiction sober. I'm mad that he gets to take "medicine" and feel better. I'm mad that I have been this crazy, miserable person for the past year and our kids have no clue why (our oldest is only 9).
I know addiction and recovery is pure insanity and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. I'm in no way trying to minimize what my husband has and will go through. I just want to know how to deal with all this anger that I must have just been pushing away for the past year. How do I truly forgive and forget this?
Bless you if you made it through all this and thanks in advance to anyone who can throw me a bone.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Good for you on all the reading, and learning to strengthen yourself while he was actively using. I did a lot of reading when my husband was in active addiction, and it helped so much.
My husband was using for over a year and then decided he was ready to quit. He is now 10+ months clean and doing well; but it has been a long road, and a lot of work to get our relationship back to a healthy place. My husband used private therapy to help him, and when he started this – I started it also. It was really great at helping me sort out all my feelings, and truly get to the bottom of all my emotions … anger, resentment, my own regrets, disappointments, etc.
Also, after we had both been in therapy for a while (about 2 months) we started marriage counseling. This was also very helpful to both of us, and I will give credit to this process for bringing in greater understanding, allowing me to grant forgiveness, let the past go. Overall, we just tried to be honest with each other and slowly work through the painful feelings. It takes time.
It sounds like you have been through a lot, and your husband still has a ways to go, but it is great that he went to the doctor and is seeking help. It will be hard for him being around the people at work. My husband had the same issue. The guys he used with, and got drugs from were people he worked with.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You have been through a lot, and all those emotions are normal. They built up over time, and will also have to be dismantled over time. If your husband is like mine, when he is lifted out of his fog – he will also have a lot of pain and regret. While yours emotions have been building up over time; for him it will be more like being hit with a brick suddenly realizing all that’s happened.
My husband was using for over a year and then decided he was ready to quit. He is now 10+ months clean and doing well; but it has been a long road, and a lot of work to get our relationship back to a healthy place. My husband used private therapy to help him, and when he started this – I started it also. It was really great at helping me sort out all my feelings, and truly get to the bottom of all my emotions … anger, resentment, my own regrets, disappointments, etc.
Also, after we had both been in therapy for a while (about 2 months) we started marriage counseling. This was also very helpful to both of us, and I will give credit to this process for bringing in greater understanding, allowing me to grant forgiveness, let the past go. Overall, we just tried to be honest with each other and slowly work through the painful feelings. It takes time.
It sounds like you have been through a lot, and your husband still has a ways to go, but it is great that he went to the doctor and is seeking help. It will be hard for him being around the people at work. My husband had the same issue. The guys he used with, and got drugs from were people he worked with.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You have been through a lot, and all those emotions are normal. They built up over time, and will also have to be dismantled over time. If your husband is like mine, when he is lifted out of his fog – he will also have a lot of pain and regret. While yours emotions have been building up over time; for him it will be more like being hit with a brick suddenly realizing all that’s happened.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR Justame. It a great, supportive sight with a lot of collective wisdom. Cynical One has a great blog with so much great information.
I had to laugh at your post because it reminded me so much of ME. lol
When my husband first asked to help to wean off pills, I was thrilled "to be there for him." It never occurred to me he had another hidden stash. Then when push came to shove, he went on suboxone and started attending NA meetings. Oh happy days, all "our" problems were solved. God had answered my prayers. Nope, not quite.
When he went off of suboxone, he got very sick with withdrawals and relapsed. Of course, I had no idea. Back to square one.
The roller coaster ride was unreal. I think I suppressed so much of my emotions, all while holding my breathe, waiting for him to "get it." I believed "his getting better would mean I was better too." But that's just not how it worked. I had so many mixed emotions, so may feelings that were ignored - all while addressing his needs.
When I starting working on me, I found all the emotions coming to the surface.... and more then once. I can honestly tell you, finding a therapist and attending alanon (kicking and screaming all the way there) was the best thing I have done for myself.
Keep posting, reading, and feel free to vent away. Most of us here really do understand. It is a process. I had to fight through denial, anger, bargaining, depression to get to acceptance. It has taken a while but I am almost there.
Working on me was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I feel so much better physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I had to laugh at your post because it reminded me so much of ME. lol
When my husband first asked to help to wean off pills, I was thrilled "to be there for him." It never occurred to me he had another hidden stash. Then when push came to shove, he went on suboxone and started attending NA meetings. Oh happy days, all "our" problems were solved. God had answered my prayers. Nope, not quite.
When he went off of suboxone, he got very sick with withdrawals and relapsed. Of course, I had no idea. Back to square one.
The roller coaster ride was unreal. I think I suppressed so much of my emotions, all while holding my breathe, waiting for him to "get it." I believed "his getting better would mean I was better too." But that's just not how it worked. I had so many mixed emotions, so may feelings that were ignored - all while addressing his needs.
When I starting working on me, I found all the emotions coming to the surface.... and more then once. I can honestly tell you, finding a therapist and attending alanon (kicking and screaming all the way there) was the best thing I have done for myself.
Keep posting, reading, and feel free to vent away. Most of us here really do understand. It is a process. I had to fight through denial, anger, bargaining, depression to get to acceptance. It has taken a while but I am almost there.
Working on me was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I feel so much better physically, emotionally and spiritually.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by Justame711 
threw myself into books.
Self Help Substance Abuse & Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®
Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
While learning about addiction was very helpful and necessary for me, it wasn't until I started to work on my codependency issues - did I start to see how unhealthy I had become.
Once I learned how to put the focus back on me, stop enabling and allowing fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) to run my life, I became much happier and let go of the anger (most of the time). It's still a process and it so true that it is progress not perfection.
If I have learned anything that is worth sharing, I would say, today, I love people but I put my trust in God. I feel very blessed to have that understanding today.
Have you read Codependent No More??
Once I learned how to put the focus back on me, stop enabling and allowing fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) to run my life, I became much happier and let go of the anger (most of the time). It's still a process and it so true that it is progress not perfection.
If I have learned anything that is worth sharing, I would say, today, I love people but I put my trust in God. I feel very blessed to have that understanding today.
Have you read Codependent No More??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 6
I actually started reading it this past week. I only just recently came to the realization that the only thing I really have control over is myself. Saying that now makes me feel like an idiot because it is a pretty simple concept, but it's so hard to put it in practice. I'm definitely in the beginning stages of things, but I'm trying to have optimistic expectations of my potential to really take care of myself.
I really appreciate the advice and feedback. I've kindda been walking this road alone for the past year or so and only told my best friend about it yesterday. I'm now realizing how much carrying all this on my own was really taking its toll.
I really appreciate the advice and feedback. I've kindda been walking this road alone for the past year or so and only told my best friend about it yesterday. I'm now realizing how much carrying all this on my own was really taking its toll.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Johnston, RI
Posts: 16
Justame, I read your story and just want to say good luck with all of that. My husband is addicted to pills as well and I came to the understanding that I was not the number one in his life. A spouse who is second to the drug is going to become angry at some point and that's where you're at with it. After trying to do what you know to do to help someone and they continuously lie and deceive, it becomes the elephant in the room that won't go away. My hurt became anger and I ended up having to leave, I couldn't continue putting up with the lies, stealing and total disregard of our marriage. I resent that this man put my life in a world of drugs and chaos, having to think constantly about it, having to read self help books, go to alanon meetings, going to a therapist and spilling your guts out. Why? Who wants to live that kind of way? What kind of life is that? I resent him for turning my world into that kind of crap instead of being my partner in life and living and enjoying us, enjoying our time on this earth. Everyone's situation is different but all the same on some level. I met and married this man after my husband of 25 years passed away. I thought I had been given the most wonderful chance at a new life with a man who I fell so in love with and believed we were going to have the best life ever. So I know about the anger you're dealing with, hopefully your husband will wake up and smell the coffee before he creates a hugh mess in your lives. You will realize one day that he is a selfish SOB if he keeps the pills on his front row and keeps you on the back row. I am not one that believes this kind of problem is a disease. I understand after people drink and/or drug themselves practically to death that they have created a health problem but I don't think of it as a disease that crops up in a person like cancer. I know that many of us have addictive personalities and many can't control not seeking that elusive high over and over but IMO when they do that knowing it is hurting the one you supposedly love over and over it makes me know they don't really give a crap about my life and having peace and joy together. I spent eight years wasting my life with that. I know there are those out there that have successfully kicked the habit and I hope for your sake your's will as well. Having a child on drugs is a nightmare and my heart goes out to all those who are dealing with that. It's different having a spouse doing it, not at all easier, but much different emotionally.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 213
Hi Justame
Don't feel bad for all the anger you feel, we should allow ourselves to feel anger ,we the standbyers that sit and watch and worry and cry and scream and try to clean up the mess building around us, my As is addicted to pain meds , they lie then lie then lie more it never ends until they want it to end you can never trust until you actually see long term results . Take care
Don't feel bad for all the anger you feel, we should allow ourselves to feel anger ,we the standbyers that sit and watch and worry and cry and scream and try to clean up the mess building around us, my As is addicted to pain meds , they lie then lie then lie more it never ends until they want it to end you can never trust until you actually see long term results . Take care
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