I wish things were different

Old 02-15-2013, 11:58 AM
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I wish things were different

I am someone whose life has been affected by somone else's alcholism. My husband and I were together for 10 years until he started drinking heavily and eventually became a non functioning alcoholic who has lost his marriage, contact with his son due to recurrent relapses, his job and in 6 months time he will be homeless if the drink doesnt kill him before. We loved eachother very much and the love never went but the alcohol destroyed our marriage and when our baby boy came along the drinking got worse to the point where my ex was arrested in the park for being drunk looking after our child. A few months prior to this he lost his driving license through drink driving and was banned from driving for 18 months. He lives quite close to where my son and I live and i hasten to add he has never been violent. He is a a man whose soul has been destroyed by alcohol and yet having lost so much he still continues to drink. He told me that he spent 2 months in hospital recently as he has 7 gastric ulcers and whilst the doctors have told him that he could die from a perforated ulcer he continues to drink. I can t bear to see the man i loved and still love killing himself like this. How far down does he have to go before he hits rock bottom. We have very little contact but the thought of him living in squalor ina dark basement fleet drinking himself to death is very painful. He is extrmeley vulnerable..no family, friends such as they are have given up on him and he is very isolated. As well as gastric ulcers, he has early signs of liver damage, his teeth are rotting, he has vitamin B deficniency, he has clincial depression and he is extremaly thin. He is 37 years old. Its tragic and i wish i could do something. I feel so helpless.
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:34 PM
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((((snowfall)))) so sorry for your pain. My prayers are with you and your husband. He is the only one who can help himself.
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Old 02-15-2013, 12:48 PM
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My heart goes out to you snowfall.

Addiction is such a horrible disease. It would be hard to watch a complete stranger go through it. When it's happening to someone you love, the pain can be unbearable sometimes.

I hope you're taking good care of you. Your son is blessed to have a mom who has removed him from the day-to-day heartache and insanity of living with an active alcoholic. Are you going to al anon meetings? Are you taking good care of yourself physically and spiritually? Please take good care of you and place your husband in God's loving care. I know how hard it is. I really do. Every day I have to accept that I am powerless to help my exah (the father of my child). Every day I have to say a prayer and place him in God's loving care so I can go on with my day. Our sons need us to be strong and healthy. As tragic as this disease is when it effects our loved ones, it would only double to tragedy to let the disease destroy us as well.

Hugs and understanding...
Mary
Mary
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Old 02-15-2013, 01:34 PM
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[QUOTE ]How far down does he have to go before he hits rock bottom.[/QUOTE]

Such a tragic story that is all too common. The truth is some people get sober while others end up in jails and institutions but no knows why or who will stop drinking. You can pray for him, as much a help as anything else.
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:47 PM
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"How far down does he have to go before he hits rock bottom?"

Unfortunately, some do not have a bottom. My mother is an alcoholic, has been drinking for
over 65 years....big time...never been in recovery and has no intention of doing do, she will die
with a drink in her hand.

Work on you, read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.

I am sorry to say, all you can do is pray and go about the business of living your life.
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Old 02-16-2013, 10:20 AM
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Thank you so much for your kind message. Its such a relief to find people on here who understand. I feel so terribly sad . I dont understand this illness and i so wish he would get back to his old self. Its almost like it would take a miracle to get him out of the trouble he is already in. At 43 and divorced for a year its so hard for me to move on. I split with him because I had no choice. I am from the UK and i had social servcies all over me after he was arrested and i decided to divorce because i couldnt risk our son being put on the 'at risk register'. Its sounds from your message that you too are in a similar situation. Is your ex as bad as mine in terms of the extent of his rock bottom?
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Old 02-16-2013, 10:29 AM
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Thank you so much for your kind message. Its such a relief to find people on here who understand. I feel so terribly sad . I dont understand this illness and i so wish he would get back to his old self. Its almost like it would take a miracle to get him out of the trouble he is already in. At 43 and divorced for a year its so hard for me to move on. I split with him because I had no choice. I am from the UK and i had social servcies all over me after he was arrested and i decided to divorce because i couldnt risk our son being put on the 'at risk register'. Its sounds from your message that you too have had a lot to deal with and I am amazed that after 65 years of hard drinking yoru mum is still here. I had to remove son from the toxic environment created by this addiction but so miss the man i married. ;-(
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Old 02-16-2013, 11:31 AM
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snowfall - You have my heartfelt sympathy. Almost everything you describe is how it was for me and my husband. It was many years ago, but I had to leave him - and for the same exact reasons. I know he regretted deeply losing me and his son - but he never was able to sustain a sober life. I remember him saying to me once, "I thought it was for better or worse... but you're giving up on me." Part of me still feels like I could have done more, but there was never a sign that he was going to change. I could not go down with the ship.

I ended up on the other side of things later on - and had my own battle with alcohol. Now I'm even more confused as to why he couldn't reach out for help so he wouldn't lose his family. When I had to, I got sober and faced reality. I can't imagine that I would have let him go if the situation were reversed.

I'm glad you joined us, and I hope it will help with the anxiety and sadness you are feeling. You're not alone in dealing with this.
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Old 02-16-2013, 11:41 AM
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what a sweet message. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that people like yourself understand. I am so sorry to hear that you had to battle some demons with alcohol. I was never temepted to trun to the bottle as i coudl see what it did to my ex. The alcohol has destroyed his soul. I do howver struggle with food addcition and comoft eat every time i feel unhappy. At 43 a single mother with a 3.5 year old little boy i have real issues with self esteem. The break up of the marriage hasnt helped and I feel totally worthless.
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Old 02-16-2013, 11:47 AM
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I hope knowing others share your heartache and sadness will help. You're still so young - you can't let this haunt you forever. My son is now grown, & I wish I could have back all the years I spent in misery and regret. We can't help them if they refuse to see what needs to be done.

Have you tried Al-anon snowfall? I wish I had given it a shot - I didn't reach out the way I should have.
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Old 02-16-2013, 01:27 PM
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i have decided to go to an al anon meeting for the first time on wednesday. I am very nervous about it as i dont know whether it will make thinsg worse but feel i need to give it a try. I wish i could 'detach' from the situation but at a human level i feel i cant. Its odd becase we are divorced and the way i feel at the moment, i might as well be married to him.
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Old 02-16-2013, 02:09 PM
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i have decided to go to an Al anon meeting this wednesday but am worried this will make me more depressed. :-(
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Old 02-16-2013, 02:39 PM
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It won't make anything worse, believe me.

Here's the thing. Detachment doesn't mean you don't care. It isn't being heartless. It is recognizing your own limitations in terms of what you can do for him.

I detached with love. I still care very much about my second husband. I would be thrilled to hear he had recovered. He, too, was a wonderful person and very kind and a lot of fun when he wasn't drinking his brains out. But I can do absolutely nothing to help him. He is likely to die if he keeps it up, but that outcome is just as likely whether I am around to suffer through it with him or not.

I chose to survive, for my own sake. I don't believe that was a selfish decision. If you are dragged down with him, how can you provide a good home for your child? How would I be a useful person in my career, one that has helped many other people, if all my energy were expended caring for someone who turned his back on help that would have actually done him some good?

I think Al-Anon will help you find some peace in your life.
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Old 02-16-2013, 02:43 PM
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My thoughts are with you Snowfall,and my prayers.I understand every thing you say.I go through all the feelings of helplessness ,guilt,anger every day with my AS,I know I should detach but as a mother I find it almost impossible!I definately think you and your son are better to move on as hard as this is.I agree with many others who say all the love in the world will not stop the drinking and help is available if they want it.I know it is so hard to step away,but for you and your son I hope you do.Big hugs.
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Old 02-16-2013, 02:48 PM
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Your message is so true. Thank you for your support. This is such a fantastic site. A big cyber hug to you ;_-)
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Old 02-16-2013, 02:55 PM
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I agree snowfall. You can't stay in limbo all your life because the man you love was incapable of seeking help. Mine even went into rehab & after 30 days came out and said, "Well, I know where I went wrong - I can just have a beer now and then." My heart fell to the floor.

I think Al-Anon will be a huge help for you. I didn't even know about it back when I was struggling to make sense of everything. I was the classic enabler, calling work for him - covering for him with the family - trying not to let anyone think bad of him. Al-Anon will help you detach with love, as Lexie said.
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Old 02-16-2013, 03:06 PM
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Snowfall I believe that meetigs will be a great help for you. Meetings were a life saver for me.

As for my mother, how she is still alive is beyond me, I am no contact with her, as I cannot take her abuse, she has burned her bridges with everyone in the family and has not one friend in the world, it is sad.
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Old 02-17-2013, 04:07 AM
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I am so sorry to hear this. I am afraid i think my ex husband is not far away from the end. Its very sad. They say alcholism and mental illness runs in families. That is certainly true for my ex. His father was an alcoholic and mother suffered from bipolar disorder and was found dead in her flat after a gastric ulcer ruptured and caused internal bleeding. Sadly I can see history repeating itself. The dificulty that i have is coming to terms with the steep decline into such a horrible existence. the degradation and isloation is almost unbearable. No other illness has such a profound effect on every aspect at an emotional and physical level of someone's life and the people around them.
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Old 02-17-2013, 04:53 AM
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Snowfall - My husband also almost drank himself to death at the age of 38 - coma, heart attack, diabetes, pancreatitis. I was not around then so I am not sure what the catalyst final "clarity" moment was that happened that he decided to get sober I do know it took two years before he did.

Last year he relapsed after 10 years sober. Alcohol is a death sentence for him with his physical issues. In as much as I didn't want to be around his drunk behavior a greater motivation to leave the relationship was that I didn't want to watch what would be equivalent to a partial hanging death, or disabling himself to the point of who knows what? Dialysis? another heart attack? Amputation? Stroke? No thanks - not if by your own doing. Thankfully he chose sobriety again over that.

As hard as it is you are doing the right thing. Prayers for you, your son and your ex -
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Old 02-17-2013, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
It won't make anything worse, believe me.

Here's the thing. Detachment doesn't mean you don't care. It isn't being heartless. It is recognizing your own limitations in terms of what you can do for him.

I detached with love. I still care very much about my second husband. I would be thrilled to hear he had recovered. He, too, was a wonderful person and very kind and a lot of fun when he wasn't drinking his brains out. But I can do absolutely nothing to help him. He is likely to die if he keeps it up, but that outcome is just as likely whether I am around to suffer through it with him or not.

I chose to survive, for my own sake. I don't believe that was a selfish decision. If you are dragged down with him, how can you provide a good home for your child? How would I be a useful person in my career, one that has helped many other people, if all my energy were expended caring for someone who turned his back on help that would have actually done him some good?

I think Al-Anon will help you find some peace in your life.
Damn, Lexie, this is great! And I agree 100%! Snowfall, you are a single Mom with a son to raise. Divorcing was the right thing. Detaching from it all is also the right thing. But doing the right thing and liking it don't often go together! And that's normal. I've seen it said here over and over that sometimes, the right thing and the hardest thing are one in the same.

You can't save him. But you can save yourself and you can change the future for your son by being a very good influence on him. As hard as it is, keep moving in the direction you are in.

Prayers to you today,
~T
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