Midlifecrisis

So I've relapsed 3 days and have been using alot Valium again (and now drinking 2 nights jn a row)...I've gotten my husband to hide my meds, though I told him he will need to do a better job of the hiding .

I don't know if I'll be ok if I just take my recommended dosage, I need something and it definitely helps or will I just always be frustrated. Can I ever use a benzo just to help me feel normal I wonder or will my brain always start on that slippery slope of craving other drugs and eventually lead me to them.

It's hard. If I have just the right amount it stops me from continually wanting to die and have that hopeless feeling

I feel useless and my husband seems quite resentful at having to babysit my meds.

Midlifecrisis

I don't even know if this makes sense sorry or has a real point.

I just feel hopeless.

Sick if not being freaking normal like everyone else around me. Sick of causing my hubby so much stress((((((. Why on earth do we do these things when we hurt other people so much!????????

andisa

Hi Midlife. I don't know what to say. I tried the babysitter thing. That never works. You'll become resentful of it. I know I did. Ended in divorce. I'm still being babysat and that led to isolation. I'm still an addict and unable to talk about it honestly with anyone. Even here at SR I can't express it clearly. I feel like I'm screaming for help but no-one can hear me. Maybe I'm not listening. Probably.

I went to get my drugs yesterday. My supplier and friend wasn't there. His roommate was and told me my friend had died. Mixing alcohol and valium, and other pain meds that are never to be mixed with alcohol. He died,

ReadyAtLast

This is a very good point. I was on valium years ago and the doctor told me how dangerous it was to drink whilst on them. I was only on a low dose and drank and was horrendously ill. It's really dangerous. MLC, I don't think you should try and self medicate/second guess what is or isn't safe. Your husband is obviously deeply worried about you,your health and welfare. You said earlier this week he was on the verge of leaving you. Please get medical/detox/therapy help before you lose him and your children.

Midlifecrisis

He died? I'm so sorry(. From mixing valium and alcohol and pain meds? Omg. You hear that you never should but I don't listen. I'm sorry sorry.

The last couple of days I've snorted a shizload of Valium and drunk a bottle of champagne, haven't gone back to the opiates yet but they are the exact same 3 drugs I was mixing around the clock for months last year

I feel like I want do die but i dont want to because of my family but I can't feel like that anymore. It was only a matter of time.

Dee74

I think getting your husband to hold your pills is probably the best short term solution you have right now.

In the slightly longer term tho, IMO you really need to go back to your Dr (or find a new one) and be totally honest about the mess you're in, because this current medication really is not working for you, not in a holistic sense.

I'm not a doctor but there must be other options - I really encourage you to explore them MLC.

D

Midlifecrisis

I've never been one to follow the rules. I was talking to a friend last night who has been squeaky clean her whole life (most of my current friends are like that...) and we were musing how different we are. Even taking Panadol she will set a timer so she doesn't take another dose a single minute before its due!!!!! So different.

And it's weird how we think we can hide it. We've socialized alot this week and I thought I was doing ok but hubby set me straight. Said there's noone that wouldn't haven't realised

Midlifecrisis

You're right. I have to go back to this doc every 2 weeks (I actually found one who I think woll be good if I can be completely honest, just hope he sticks around, they never do out here.). I have counseling on Tuesday. Maybe I do need to do something more serious.

Although I've only been using again a couple of days it feels so out of control already. My husband is so scared . To be completely honest (and he asked me this yesterday) if someone was to put any hard drug in front of my right now there wouldn't be any question that it would be in my arm quicker that you can say heroin addict. I hate that, it just sounds so stupid to say that you don't feel like you'd even have a choice.

Why are some people blessed with willpower and all that???

Dee74

It wasn't willpower for me - it was acceptance - acceptance that I was a very bad drinker and drug taker so I better start finding other solutions.

It is crazy - you're a mum, an adult, a business owner and person of good standing in your community and church. Thats the real you.

Try to remember that when the madness comes upon you - that crazy person is not who you, the real you, wants to be....

D

Midlifecrisis

Thanks dee. I am all those things but I think my thinking is all screwy. I feel the real me is a hopeless junkie and all the rest is just an act. It's so stupid, my life is great, I just feel so crap. Sometimes I want to throw it all in and go back to being a junkie in the valley. Then id have just one focus, not being pulled in 4000 different directions.

I love my family so much, I'm blessed with my job and friends. What sane person would even consider and or fantasise about losing all that????? I hate it. This sounds stupid but if I can't get it out here, where can I?

There must be a way to feel good clean and sober.

instant

At this point I think you need professional advice.

The "rules" around pills are there for a reason. They are more than just good ideas- we have lost too many good people - due to misadventure /overdose.

The 'feeling good' from drugs is an illusion- ultimately not consistent with living a life and fulfilling our dreams.

You do deserve more

Midlifecrisis

I know. I guess that's the nature of the beast hey? The high becomes more important than being safe. The rules kind of go out the window.

I feel I need to go somewhere. Although my using this time around was only a couple of months last year (although drinking is another story) and I've only just started again now, the slope is feeling very slippery, I'm going out with a friend who user heroin soon. Can I really kid myself that id say no? Then what?? I've had this eating disorder for 16 years.

But how can I go somewhere??? It's not fair on my family?!! I don't know what to do. I'll see how counselling goes.

Dee74

I thought the real me was a drunk and druggie too.
The truth was there was a lot of fear in there - I hated my drunken stoned life and the drunken stoned me but it was familiar...changing that terrified me.

Having to look inside myself and to face life sober...with no 'net'?
that was s.c.a.r.y.

I'm glad I did tho - it was the making of me.

Turns out there was me inside me I'd forgotten about - a me I hadn't seen since I was a child - a good and decent person who, layer by layer, somehow slowly got hidden away.

I wasn't easy - but my life as a drunk stoner wasn't easy either...
and sober? things got better

D

Midlifecrisis

Thankyou. You've summed up how I feel and my fears exactly.

I don't know who I am.

Dee74

give yourself a chance to find out MLC

I know it's terrifying - but you're not alone

D

Midlifecrisis

Scary

ReadyAndAble

It's only terrifying because you're still trapped. The addiction is a part of you, and it's horrified that you might quit. It creates this illusion that the drugs and booze make life easier... but it's just an illusion. Once you break free of it, and get some time away from the drugs, you'll realize life is way easier. All you're really giving up is shame, regret, fear, embarrassment—all bad stuff. Freedom, self-respect, laughter, romance—that's what's waiting for you. Imagine spending time with your family and being truly focused on them, not needing anything else at all—perfect contentment. That's what's waiting for you.

Think about it: have you ever heard of anyone who had problems with alcohol and drugs, and later regretted giving them up? Don't listen to those fears anymore; it's just your addiction, kicking and screaming, trying to keep you from living the life you truly deserve. You can do it—believe in yourself!

Dave42001

Please take care of yourself!! It gets better!! I'm going to say a prayer for you!! Hang in there!!

soberlicious

The others are right. The real you is not the addicted you.

I'm sorry, but you've got it twisted here. What's going on right now is not fair to them. Getting help would be the biggest gift you could give your children and husband.

Midlifecrisis

Thanks. I'm just so sick of being unhappy/paranoid/unmotivated/worried/scared/insuxre/awful.

But you're right.