CeciliaV

I have a bit of a conundrum and I could use some input to help me in making a decision. I have an opportunity to go to a conference for work. I asked to go to the conference months ago (and was initially told it was not looking hopeful & so I wrote it off as a no-go)...this was all before the shiznit hit the fan with AH. He's currently in rehab and is scheduled to get out at the end of this month (so far, come home date is 2/27). The conference would have me away from home at least 3/3-3/6.

I'm feeling very apprehensive about going for many reasons. Professionally, I have a pilot project I'm involved with and the conference is smack dab in the middle of the pilot timeframe. AH is doing pretty well in his recovery, but I haven't been doing as well with mine. I'm still feeling very anxious about him coming home and how things will be and how *I* will be, and I don't feel terribly confident about leaving him at home alone by himself just days after getting out of rehab. I'm also a bit fearful of leaving our dog alone in what may be questionable care, and financially, I don't want to bear the fiscal burden of boarding the dog for 4-5 days to ease my dog-care concerns.

This conference would be somewhat beneficial for me, but I wouldn't lose out per se if I don't go. (It's for a product that we currently use and are looking to revamp or replace with another vendor's product.) Part of me thinks that the funding that would go towards this conference would be put to better use by sending me to training that is more beneficial for me & my career long-term.

Sigh. I feel stuck. I feel like no matter what decision I make, it will be wrong. Thoughts?

Tuffgirl

My first thought is no wonder you feel stuck. With that mindset ^^^ I would feel stuck too. Stop that thinking! You will make the right decision for you.

Taking everything away from the situation (dog, pilot, AH) would you go?

Recovering2

While no one can make a work decision for you, I would suggest you take your husband out of the equation when making the decision to go or not. I completely understand where you are. My BF came home 5 weeks ago from treatment. The first couple of weeks was sort of a dance. I was nervous about how he would do, he was nervous about how I was feeling. I had to go to alot of AlAnon meetings to let go of that!

Bottom line.....he is responsible for his recovery. You can't stay home to watch him. He's an adult. Now, if it's a matter of having a project, etc...that's entirely your decision.

LexieCat

Frankly, I think it might be really GOOD for you to go. It IS a little nerve-wracking being around someone newly sober. This gets you out of "hovering" mode before it even sets in. If he's going to drink, he will drink, whether you are there or not. He doesn't need a babysitter.

Moreover, you are going to be gone all of four days at the most. Assuming for the sake of argument that he drinks himself into oblivion the minute you walk out the door, your dog will be fine for that length of time. Buy an automatic feeder/waterer if you are worried about sustenance.

It sounds to me as if it isn't the work aspects of this that are giving you pause, it's the thought of leaving him at home alone. If that's the case, I think you should go.

dollydo

I can't tell you what to do, all I know is that, staying home and holding his hand isn't going to keep him sober. He has to learn how to become a responsible adult and face lifes challenges without crawling in the bottle, this you cannot do for him.

CeciliaV

I know, I know...my attitude at the beginning of the month was much better than it has been the last few days. Feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated.

Taking away everything...I'm still not certain that I would go. If funding for future training was not in question, then I'd be more likely to say yes. We're apparently over our training budget for the department, and I'd hate to lose out on or delay other training that I want/need just to go to this conference. My manager said that I could go to other training later this year, but if I don't get good professional development training on my annual review for this academic year, then that wouldn't be good. I'm working hard to get a title (and hence a salary) bump with my next review, and I am concerned about whether this conference would be beneficial for me in that aspect.

I just wish she didn't spring this question on me *now*, I'm not in a healthy place! I'm barely hanging on at the moment work-wise. Personal frustrations & stress are enough to deal with, but work frustrations & stresses are high as well, and I don't feel like I'm in a good place overall.

Manmust

Sounds like you are at about the limit for stress. Are you going to obssess and worry while on the trip? I know I would, but I have codependent issues

CeciliaV

Yes, and yes! I really hit a wall this week stress-wise and I feel like I'm starting to crack a bit. I have to de-stress this weekend and reset myself.

Tuffgirl

I think your decision is made then. If you are not 100% excited to go, don't go.

Last August, I went to a five day conference. It was the first time I had left my teenagers home alone for more than 1 night. I had two rowdy pitbull puppies. And my divorce hearing was in the middle of the week of the conference. Timing was LOUSY, but the opportunity was too good to let anything get in the way. I made arrangements for support for my kids if they needed it. I submitted a motion to the court to attend the divorce hearing telephonically (and as luck would have it, or maybe my HP looking out for me, the hearing was during a break in sessions so I didn't miss anything!) Point is - I wanted to go and nothing was going to get in the way.

I am so glad I chose to go anyway - it has paid off for me in many ways since then.

If you don't feel that way about this conference, don't go. Trust me, other opportunities will present themselves!

snowfall

I think you should go. It will give him the opportunity to prove to you how serious he is about quitting the drinking. You cant control his actions, if he wants to drink he will do so. You do something for you and go. If he chooses to drink you can then decide whether to stay with him or whether you are better off without him. I totally understand the dileema you are in. I went through it with my ex and in the end he chose the drink over a life with me. Good luck