PLEXI50W

Wife is 14 months sober which is a good thing. I've been through so many ups and downs with her it's incredible. I though sobriety would be a good thing for me/us, it's not working out this way.

I've noticed that she's not eating very well, and on top of that she's hinding sweets (doughnuts/cookies/bags of candy) all over the house. I'm guessing this is to compensate for the sugar she's not getting from the booze.

She has absolutley no interest in me in any way. We've been sleeping apart for 6 months now. She offers up no form of why, it's just deal with it.

Her being sober has just made my life miserable it seems. I'm a patient man, but after 12 years of dealing with this stuff, I feel like I deserve a break. She also seems to be digressing in her maturity. She's 51 and is totally engrossed in the Facebook world, like a 14 yr old or something.

I'm sure other people have to have a similar story. Is there light at the end, and how long does it take to get there. Just toatally frustrated at this point. Even more so cause I'm the only one that cared enough to stick around, and get her the help she needed. WTF do I do now?

italiungrl

Hi,
I would be happy if my ABF went to get help. But I understand it reaches a point where whether they drink or not it never is the same. Some times the damage is irreversible.
The 2 days he doesn't drink he is silent. Good thing or bad thing

PLEXI50W

It's pretty silent in my house (between me/wife) If we say 10 words to each other a day that's a big conversation. Really messed up. I'm the one that went through the hell with her, and I feel like I'm paying the price for it all.

I guess that's what I get for getting involved and not walking a long time ago. Just a little tired of wearing the white hat!

SparkleKitty

You say she has been sober for 14 months, but is she in recovery of any kind? AA? Therapy?

Tuffgirl

Welcome, plexi50w. Getting sober is only one step of the equation. Does she work any kind of program?

I think its easy to put the blame for bad behavior on alcohol itself, and then they get sober and we realize maybe it wasn't the alcohol after all. Maybe there are a lot of underlying issues that have never been addressed and the alcohol masked that.

It's also not uncommon for addicts to develop secondary addictions or exhibit compulsive behaviors, even sober. If you read on the alcoholism forum or the newcomers to recovery forum, folks do talk about compulsions for sweets, working out, social media, etc. I've read in the research on addictions that sometimes, it is a person who is naturally compulsive and obsessive who ends up an addict. So what you describe about your wife seems to be more the norm than abnormal.

No matter what or why, this is what it is. Doesn't sound like you can accept her today, and it sounds as if you have waited a long time for her to make some significant changes, which she hasn't quite done yet. So I think that leaves the question of "what are you going to do next" on the table.

Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back,
~T

FireSprite

Welcome! I agree with what everyone else is already pointing out. White-knuckling vs. working a program are 2 very dfiferent kinds of sobriety.

In the first year or so RAH had insane cravings for sweets.... since he never had before we were pretty sure it directly related removing alcohol from his diet. He would eat pounds of chocolate candy, cookies, brownies, cakes, lollipops... you name it. It seems to have leveled off a bit over the last few months but he still gives in to dessert more than he ever used to.

He also struggles with "arrested development' of sorts since he started drinking in his teen years & apparantly just stopped maturing in some areas. For example, he's terrible with money/finances and while I used to blame it on the booze now I can see it's more of a lack of understanding the long-term planning involved in running a family. In fact, he & I just this week discussed putting him back on a cash-only money diet to compensate for some of his impulses.

We talk about progress, not perfection around here & that's the truth of most of our situations. I'm learning to take my focus off looking for the 'light at the end of the tunnel' and pay attention to the journey through it instead.

Keep reading, you'll find amazing wisdom & support here on this board!

PLEXI50W

She's been to 2 meetings, no therapy at all. She's the type of person that like to pretend it's not there kind of thing.

SparkleKitty

Hm. Well, I am sorry to hear that. I won't try to re-articulate what Tuffgirl has said so well in her post, as it sounds like there isn't much reason to expect anything to change.

What about you, then? Do you have someone or a group you can talk to to work through your own recovery from living with alcoholism?

PLEXI50W

I actually go to a therapist. Why I keep going, I really don't know. He thinks I really don't need therapy, and that I should get my wife to come. Of course she wont admit she needs it.

I think the main reason we don't communicate is that she does not want to face the reality of the situation. I was really frustrated the other day, and she could tell.

She asked what was wrong, my response was "I'm tired of being lonely, without affection, and sex" Her response was o.k. that's it. Well I got the message loud and clear.

SparkleKitty

I'm so sorry. That's very disappointing. I hope you stick around here, as most of us know what you're going through and can offer support as this plays out.

PLEXI50W

Thanks. It's very tough to deal with on a day to day thing. As most of you know it's relentless. Somedays I feel like just crumbling to my knees. But I feel one day I'll be happy again one way or another.

Crazed

Sorry you are going through this. I think while your wife is abstaining from alcohol, that is different from working a program and truly living sober.

Do you think the lack of closeness is attributed to her not drinking? Or could it be something else?

Recovering2

My RABF stopped drinking twice before, but never had a program. He didn't like AA, felt like he knew what he needed to do. So he was a "dry drunk", sober but not working through the real issues associated with his disease. He always relapsed.

He is now actually working a strong recovery program after in patient treatment. He told me it's not about not drinking, it's about actual recovery this time. Fingers crossed that he "gets it" this time. So far so good. And, yes, he eats sweets now. Ice cream and hard candies are his thing. I'll take those things over alcohol any day!

If your wife is sober but not working on actual recovery, she may still be in some denial. She may be still "white knuckling" and battling her demons. So it would be difficult to really heal the relationship. Have you been to AlAnon? I had a counselor as well, but found a different kind of support in AlAnon. A much needed support.

italiungrl

What I've come across is their is no communication from a Alcoholic , They deny, they turn everything around on the other person no matter what. I feel like Im always dealing with a person that has alcohol in their system when there is only a day or 2 at most there isn't, and I'm sure there's a reserve tank.
I was going to therapy also and my therapist told me the same thing why are you here, he needs to be. Of course he sees no value in therapy.

NYCDoglvr

Someone who stops drinking without a program doesn't change. "If you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you have a horse thief". It sounds like a miserable marriage that isn't going to change. It's your call on staying or going.

PLEXI50W

Good point. I often wonder why she hasn't gotten into some sort of program or therapy. The last time I asked I got "I'm working on myself" Now knowing how my wife denies everything, I'm taking that as she's not doing anything.

PLEXI50W

I've also noticed one other thing. My wife has been acting very imature for her age. She's 51, and gravitates towards my daughter who is 14. She's all caught up the Facebook thing like a teenager.

It's like she has nothing else in her life. I on the other hand have been working out, recording music, and trying to look past all of this.

I feel she's headed for some type of crash, but will never admit it, or seek help. Does this sound familliar to anyone?

Florence

This is pretty familiar. My AH had a very serious lifetime drinking problem (since childhood) and full blown addiction, a lot of which was invisible to me thanks to ignorance and denial. He started trying to quit almost three years ago. It took him about a year to get any significant sober time under his belt because of the secret relapses. He's been more or less sober for the last year or so, some smallish relapses. We haven't been living together for about 5-6 months, after his latest relapse. He goes between full commitment to meetings to nothing at all, "too busy," "my job is more important right now," lots of excuses. When he lived here, his compulsion for candy and sugar was pretty crazy, and sometimes he would sneak candy the same way he used to sneak alcohol. He preferred to sleep on the couch and not with me, easily 5-6 nights a week. Our sex life was totally non-existent. He was/is on some meds that might have something to do with the libido, but ultimately what mattered to me was that I had needs for intimacy that weren't being met (sexual and otherwise) and this was totally not a priority for him. He is very passive and has a hard time dealing with any conflict or hardship head on. He can't or won't talk about money, marital friction, or anything else that requires him to deal with conflict. He passes all that on to me or does nothing. Some of his tastes in pastimes or culture felt immature sometimes, but I can't fault him too much for that -- you should see my TV viewing habits.

A lot of the time it felt like he was on a slow slide back to relapse, and typically I was right. Once I was clued in, the signs were pretty clear. I decided a couple of things. His unwillingness to attend individual counseling is a dealbreaker for me. The latest research shows that throwing people who have just detoxed into a support group ONLY have poor success rates. His treatment team agrees he needs to be in individual counseling if he wants to be clean for the long haul, especially since he has chronic mental health issues that inform the addiction.

Another thing I decided is that my needs are needs and they aren't negotiable. I need affection in a relationship, and expecting hugs, kisses, and other signs of affection in a committed romantic relationship is not an unrealistic expectation. If he can't meet those needs, I need to leave the relationship because otherwise I'm miserable.

About the "nothing else in her life" thing, when my AH briefly saw a therapist, the therapist made a list of things people do if they expect to THRIVE in recovery. He was trying to make the point that you can get clean, but if you're just passively sitting around waiting for fun and exciting things to happen to you, you're probably going to turn back to the drink. Thriving on the other hand involved being physical and doing physical activities, making sober friends who you can do sober activities with on a regular basis, volunteering, making things with your hands, otherwise being creative and engaged in the world, with your families, laughter, gratitude. My AH has social anxiety issues that make this really hard -- BUT, nothing changes until it changes. I tried to encourage him to do all of these things and made time for him to do things for himself along with meetings and whatnot, and he usually chose not to of his own free will.

My AH is a young man, and I'm still madly attracted to him, the kids miss him, and he's basically sober. But the hard thing I learned is that drying him out wasn't a magic fix, and that until he decides how he wants his life to look, we can't live in this miserable limbo. I asked him to leave and we are separated indefinitely. I do my own thing and it's better than the alternative for now.

coraltint

welcome, plex. sorry about your situation..

without some kind of program for change, it's quite common for an alkie or junkie to either pick up something else or relapse. we try to fill some kinda void in ourselves with something...

whether she is in a program or not, Alanon might be very helpful for YOU. her addiction has impacted you and that program teaches people how to address the harms that a loved one's addiction, active or not, have left them with. you deserve to be happy, and if she's not going to change, you should learn ways of being happy without her.

God bless, keep comin back here!

patmamma

Wow Florence, There is so much you have just described about your husband that mirrors my situation! A few things are different, but, I had no idea how close our situations are. I appreciate your story, it helps to see your perspective as I am new to this, (1 week).