Sadconfused

So I have been trying to plan and organize and have played out every move in my head over and over. Over analyzing I'm sure and trying to control of course. I reach the point last nighy of realizing I cant plan or control any of this, if things are going to end it is going to happen randomly and in an explosion of emotions on both sides. I was talking to.my bff about everything and she had a lot of good advice. She knows me so well, something she said is something I need to write down and read everyday. " You fear the confrontation and settle for less than your worth because of it". She couldnt be more right, the conflict that its all going to cause is what eats at me and causes me all of the anxiety. I never really learned how to resolve conflict growing up with an A father. My mom basically taught me to ignore it instead of solving what was causing you stress and anger or sadness. Just push it away, as long as everyone is happy. She taught me to be codependent, and now I am on my way to teaching my daughter to do the same. I am ashamned. And yet I am still blind because somewhere in the crazy brain of mine I still think that I can somehow convince abf of this and make him see and approve of us splitting. Still seeking his approval, just like my A dads.

Which leads me to my next thought. My bff made an interesting point, one i had kinda aleady thought about a little. I had mentioned it would be a lot easier to just walk away and take all the blame. She agreed and said why not just leave him a letter and leave until he does. I thought a little about it and it honestly doesnt seem like a bad idea. I am going. to at least write one and see how I feel about it afterwards. Sorry for all the rambling just process. Thanks for listening.

Wavy

I am in the same situation, trying to work out the best way to leave my ABF. I learnt the same as you about conflict from my alcoholic Mum and controlling co-dependant Dad. Its hard. I know exactly what you mean about wanting him to approve of the break up! But I know that's never going to happen, he'll cling on with everything he's got and I'll feel so guilty and torn.

I too have thought about just leaving, and even tho its would be so much easier I don't think thats the right option for me. I would feel like I wasn't being fair on him, that is was a cop out, and even tho he's spent so much time not being fair to me I still feel I owe him something, stupidly.

Writing the letter at least will help you decide what you want to say and make you clear about why you are leaving so whether you leave the letter or tell him face to face you'll have your thoughts straight.

Tuffgirl

This was a big hurdle for me; letting go of the need for approval. And I also took the brunt of the blame. But by then, I had enough recovery time under my belt to feel confident in my truth, and I didn't feel the need to confront the blamestorming nor seek approval for my decisions. I was just done.

So maybe instead of over analyzing the idea of breaking up - spend a little time thinking about why you don't feel confident to make your own decisions and follow through with them, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It is a wonderful opportunity to do a little more introspection and maybe make a few positive changes!

Peace,
~T

ReflectingOnMe

I think the reason x and I got along so well was because I was always ignoring his behavior (also learned through my mom). We didn't fight because I made every attempt to avoid it. I didn't even realize my parents had arguments until I was an adult. They both grew up in conflict embattled homes; they tried to make our lives one without the shouting & insults. The last year or so; x & I were rocky. He was starting to get on my nerves with his insults,whining and poor me bs - because of this, when the cheating ax fell; I was able to jump and be done with it. I called my adult daughter and moved out in 30 minutes. Losing my house - frightening; no friends - frightening; letting the world know it was over - humiliating...but every day after - has been worth it! (even the sad ones).

Recovering2

The only way through something...is through it. We can try to figure out all kinds of angles to get around it, but in the end it doesn't work.

It's a healthy thing that you are recognizing the origins of your behaviors, and taking steps to change that in your life. No need to feel ashamed. You were taught these behaviors as a child, you're not responsible for that. Once recognized, you are now responsible for your behaviors moving forward. You don't need your BF's permission or approval to do what you feel is right. Do what your gut tells you is right.

NYCDoglvr

How do you leave? You walk out the door. First you find a place to move to and then go no contact. We all think we love this active alcoholic but here's a good question to ask yourself: do you trust and respect him/her?

dollydo

If I waited for approval or agreement on what I do with my life..I would stay stuck, just as you are. I think that your friend is thinking with her head, not her heart.