Losing perspective, sliding back, confused, need help
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Losing perspective, sliding back, confused, need help
I am losing my ability to see my STBXAH as he is. I am falling back into old patterns and feeling sorry for him. The divorce is coming to a head, he is calling me back, and I am very sick with bronchitis and I just can't get my head on straight.
Lots of stuff going on. The divorce Court set a deadline of December 15 for each of us to file all the financial information and documentation. I did it; he missed it. Because of that, my attorney went to the next step and I filed and had to answer all the fault questions and required that also of my AH. I did it by the January 15 deadline, he missed it. February 1 was the final deadline for all this stuff. He missed it. Because of that, my attorney filed a Conditional Motion for Default. After the Court gets around to signing it, my AH has 10 days to present all of the data and documentation. If he does not, then he has defaulted and will not be allowed to present any data or argue for any kind of settlement at all. I will prepare the settlement terms, and the Judge will accept or amend them without my AH's input. I can ask for 55% or even 60% rather than a 50%/50% split.
In the meantime, my STBXAH texted me from the hospital 10 days ago that he was in the hospital with severe dehydration from the flu and acute renal failure. They had stabilized him and were releasing him and he wanted me to drive an hour and a half to take him home. He had no one else. He called me when the texting didn't work, and I suggested he could find someone closer to take him home. His son could have rented a car and gone to see him, but he didn't. I later looked up the kidney specialist he had seen several years ago and forgotten and sent him the information. I didn't want to be involved, but it seemed fair and reasonable to me to do that much.
Then he sent me what seemed to be the first sincere e-mail I've gotten thanking me for taking his call and thanking me for being by his side and taking care of him in the many serious medical emergencies he's had in the last 20 years.
Then 3 days ago he sent me an e-mail that our 14 year old dog, who lives with him, is not doing at all well and he didn't think the dog will live long. That broke my heart. I really love that dog. I asked him if he had taken the dog to the vet, and he said that the vet had retired and all the dog wanted to do was stay in his crate. So I guess he's not getting any help. I can understand that because 14 is a very long lifespan for this kind of dog, and he's been ill for over a year. And I can't do anything at all from this distance. It is his dog now. I have my little dog with me.
Then today he sent me an e-mail with only a title: Happy Valentine's Day.
Everyone has deserted him. Or more accurately, he has driven everyone away. He wants me back.
I cannot begin to fathom why he is not sending any financial data at all. The divorce cannot be negotiated. I do not know if he has hidden money and does not want me to find it, or if he has just given up and wants me to take whatever I want, or if he is just too lazy - or maybe incapacitated? though he sounded sober and quite aware on the phone - to follow the law in the divorce proceedings.
I will have to make a decision within a couple of days as to whether to press for his documentation, which will give me a better basis on which to make a divorce settlement, or to hope he defaults and make the best settlement I can.
It is my feelings that are the problem. I've lost my detachment; I've lost my perspective. I feel very sorry for him for being all alone. I feel like I want to fix it, to fix him. I am becoming afraid of being on my own. I am worried about how much money I will have to live on, and how, at 62, I can realistically support myself.
I am worried about whether I can, if he defaults, ask the Judge to have him buy me out of our house, no matter what that does to his future financial life, and not be involved with fixing the house up for sale and having to work with him on the sales process.
I am also sick again; the fourth time for bronchitis/sinus infections. I saw a new, better doctor yesterday and will see a lung doctor tomorrow and a sinus doctor next week. But I am just exhausted, waves of fatigue sweep over me, and all I can do is go take a nap, then start the day a second time. That is not helping.
Please, tell me straight, what is it I am forgetting? What is the truth of this marriage and this divorce? Some of you have been with me since I left on July 4th when his emotional and verbal abuse, his gaslighting, his Stockholm Syndrome, all of that blew up when his porn addiction got out of control and I found out he had charged $1700 on my credit card for an internet porn "lady". I left within the hour and filed for divorce within the week. He excoriated me, demeaned me, said terrible things to me that devastated my belief in myself.
What is happening to me now? Is this just the last gasp of co-dependency raising its ugly head and trying to persuade me to give up the ground I've worked so hard to gain in the last 7 months? I feel so frail, so without perspective.
ShootingStar1
Lots of stuff going on. The divorce Court set a deadline of December 15 for each of us to file all the financial information and documentation. I did it; he missed it. Because of that, my attorney went to the next step and I filed and had to answer all the fault questions and required that also of my AH. I did it by the January 15 deadline, he missed it. February 1 was the final deadline for all this stuff. He missed it. Because of that, my attorney filed a Conditional Motion for Default. After the Court gets around to signing it, my AH has 10 days to present all of the data and documentation. If he does not, then he has defaulted and will not be allowed to present any data or argue for any kind of settlement at all. I will prepare the settlement terms, and the Judge will accept or amend them without my AH's input. I can ask for 55% or even 60% rather than a 50%/50% split.
In the meantime, my STBXAH texted me from the hospital 10 days ago that he was in the hospital with severe dehydration from the flu and acute renal failure. They had stabilized him and were releasing him and he wanted me to drive an hour and a half to take him home. He had no one else. He called me when the texting didn't work, and I suggested he could find someone closer to take him home. His son could have rented a car and gone to see him, but he didn't. I later looked up the kidney specialist he had seen several years ago and forgotten and sent him the information. I didn't want to be involved, but it seemed fair and reasonable to me to do that much.
Then he sent me what seemed to be the first sincere e-mail I've gotten thanking me for taking his call and thanking me for being by his side and taking care of him in the many serious medical emergencies he's had in the last 20 years.
Then 3 days ago he sent me an e-mail that our 14 year old dog, who lives with him, is not doing at all well and he didn't think the dog will live long. That broke my heart. I really love that dog. I asked him if he had taken the dog to the vet, and he said that the vet had retired and all the dog wanted to do was stay in his crate. So I guess he's not getting any help. I can understand that because 14 is a very long lifespan for this kind of dog, and he's been ill for over a year. And I can't do anything at all from this distance. It is his dog now. I have my little dog with me.
Then today he sent me an e-mail with only a title: Happy Valentine's Day.
Everyone has deserted him. Or more accurately, he has driven everyone away. He wants me back.
I cannot begin to fathom why he is not sending any financial data at all. The divorce cannot be negotiated. I do not know if he has hidden money and does not want me to find it, or if he has just given up and wants me to take whatever I want, or if he is just too lazy - or maybe incapacitated? though he sounded sober and quite aware on the phone - to follow the law in the divorce proceedings.
I will have to make a decision within a couple of days as to whether to press for his documentation, which will give me a better basis on which to make a divorce settlement, or to hope he defaults and make the best settlement I can.
It is my feelings that are the problem. I've lost my detachment; I've lost my perspective. I feel very sorry for him for being all alone. I feel like I want to fix it, to fix him. I am becoming afraid of being on my own. I am worried about how much money I will have to live on, and how, at 62, I can realistically support myself.
I am worried about whether I can, if he defaults, ask the Judge to have him buy me out of our house, no matter what that does to his future financial life, and not be involved with fixing the house up for sale and having to work with him on the sales process.
I am also sick again; the fourth time for bronchitis/sinus infections. I saw a new, better doctor yesterday and will see a lung doctor tomorrow and a sinus doctor next week. But I am just exhausted, waves of fatigue sweep over me, and all I can do is go take a nap, then start the day a second time. That is not helping.
Please, tell me straight, what is it I am forgetting? What is the truth of this marriage and this divorce? Some of you have been with me since I left on July 4th when his emotional and verbal abuse, his gaslighting, his Stockholm Syndrome, all of that blew up when his porn addiction got out of control and I found out he had charged $1700 on my credit card for an internet porn "lady". I left within the hour and filed for divorce within the week. He excoriated me, demeaned me, said terrible things to me that devastated my belief in myself.
What is happening to me now? Is this just the last gasp of co-dependency raising its ugly head and trying to persuade me to give up the ground I've worked so hard to gain in the last 7 months? I feel so frail, so without perspective.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I really do not know what to say.
The last 7 months have been quite an adjustment, and lifestyle change for you. I believe you are entitled to feel everything you are currently feeling, my friend.
Hope you are on the road to recovery. Take care of your health first.
Others will be along soon to offer additional support.
Sending you big hugs and support.
The last 7 months have been quite an adjustment, and lifestyle change for you. I believe you are entitled to feel everything you are currently feeling, my friend.
Hope you are on the road to recovery. Take care of your health first.
Others will be along soon to offer additional support.
Sending you big hugs and support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
There is nothing worth than being sick when you have a lot going on in your life, and you, my dear, have had nothing but big changes for awhile. Sickness can make everything feel more extreme, more important, more dangerous, more frightening. The very first thing you must do is rest and restore your health, and be gentle with yourself about the decisions you have to make regarding your divorce. It will all get done. It will not all get done right now.
In the same vein, please be gentle with yourself about your conflicted feelings about him. The amount of time you've been apart is not much compared to the amount of time you were with him -- no wonder you are confused. I know you already know your feelings aren't facts. It is okay to acknowledge them without acting on them while you heal.
Hugs and courage and strength your way.
In the same vein, please be gentle with yourself about your conflicted feelings about him. The amount of time you've been apart is not much compared to the amount of time you were with him -- no wonder you are confused. I know you already know your feelings aren't facts. It is okay to acknowledge them without acting on them while you heal.
Hugs and courage and strength your way.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you are sick with bronchitis and your overall resistance is low. You also, I think, do not want to seem like you are somehow taking advantage of him when he has been ill.
He has been behaving in a passive-aggressive fashion from the beginning with this divorce. My second husband (the one who was still drinking when I left him) was the same way. We were both pro se (representing ourselves) and he finally said he would sign the paperwork (I drafted the proposed settlement) if I agreed to give up using his name. I exploded and informed him that what name I use is none of his business and he could sign or not sign but the case was going forward. Ultimately he signed.
Look, you are a fair person. I'm sure whatever you propose will be fair. Don't worry so much about whether you could maybe get a little more if you knew what he might be hiding. It isn't worth dragging it out, and chances are he isn't hiding anything significant.
He will be OK. You aren't kicking him when he's down--he has had months to engage in whatever input he wants in the process. You are just trying to put some finality to this situation.
I think it's normal to feel qualms on the eve of something leading to finality. But I think you are strong enough to go forward and build a new life. If you let him back into your life, all you will be doing is letting yourself in for more of what you have decided you don't want in your life.
Take care of YOURSELF while you are sick. He has family that can help him. If they choose not to, he can get assistance from someone other than you. He is playing on your heartstrings, but it is only to achieve his own ends--not out of any concern about you.
Hugs, stay strong!!
He has been behaving in a passive-aggressive fashion from the beginning with this divorce. My second husband (the one who was still drinking when I left him) was the same way. We were both pro se (representing ourselves) and he finally said he would sign the paperwork (I drafted the proposed settlement) if I agreed to give up using his name. I exploded and informed him that what name I use is none of his business and he could sign or not sign but the case was going forward. Ultimately he signed.
Look, you are a fair person. I'm sure whatever you propose will be fair. Don't worry so much about whether you could maybe get a little more if you knew what he might be hiding. It isn't worth dragging it out, and chances are he isn't hiding anything significant.
He will be OK. You aren't kicking him when he's down--he has had months to engage in whatever input he wants in the process. You are just trying to put some finality to this situation.
I think it's normal to feel qualms on the eve of something leading to finality. But I think you are strong enough to go forward and build a new life. If you let him back into your life, all you will be doing is letting yourself in for more of what you have decided you don't want in your life.
Take care of YOURSELF while you are sick. He has family that can help him. If they choose not to, he can get assistance from someone other than you. He is playing on your heartstrings, but it is only to achieve his own ends--not out of any concern about you.
Hugs, stay strong!!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
If he was in the hospital, who took care of the his dog?? The vet may have retired but there are other vets.
Sounds like he is being nice because he is afraid of being alone and sick. You could go back and take care of him, but would he take of you??
You are doing great! Fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) can really put us in self doubt and fog up our thinking.
Sounds like he is being nice because he is afraid of being alone and sick. You could go back and take care of him, but would he take of you??
You are doing great! Fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) can really put us in self doubt and fog up our thinking.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have this taped to my desk, because this is hard for me.
Poor planning on your part
Does not constitute and emergency for me
I am reading into what you wrote that you are feeling upset because he is not feeling well. I am hearing he missed THREE big deadlines that was his choice. I also heard he has squashed a lot of relationships....which is also his doing.
Fairness is important to me. I suspect it is for you to by what you write. I am coming to realize that my fairness often short-changes me. Sometimes that is okay, sometimes it is not. Now that I realize it I have a choice in the matter. In most cases though if left up to me I will still be 50/50 or side a little more for the other person. From your story I suspect he will get a fair deal if left up to you.
This stuff is so hard. I am so inspired by the work you have done. I think having those moments is so normal.
Take care of you.
Poor planning on your part
Does not constitute and emergency for me
I am reading into what you wrote that you are feeling upset because he is not feeling well. I am hearing he missed THREE big deadlines that was his choice. I also heard he has squashed a lot of relationships....which is also his doing.
Fairness is important to me. I suspect it is for you to by what you write. I am coming to realize that my fairness often short-changes me. Sometimes that is okay, sometimes it is not. Now that I realize it I have a choice in the matter. In most cases though if left up to me I will still be 50/50 or side a little more for the other person. From your story I suspect he will get a fair deal if left up to you.
This stuff is so hard. I am so inspired by the work you have done. I think having those moments is so normal.
Take care of you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
(((((((ShootingStar))))))))))
I think it's all right there in your post. You are tired and not feeling well. We all seek comfort in that situation. He seems vulnerable, so the cruel manipulator is hidden right now. The thing is....people don't radically change quickly. I am guessing his failure to meet the divorce deadlines is because he wants to maintain control and suck you back in. If course he wants you back. I know there were good times.....but there was some REALLY AWFUL stuff too. Stay the course.
With regard to the settlement, as stated above, you are fair and reasonable. You are also entitled to your share.
I struggle with the worry about my STBAXH and the urge to take care of him. I wish i could just turn that off! It would be even harder if he were ill....mine also really has nobody. I know it must be hard.
You will weather these dreary days. Take good care of you. You are doing great.
Sending lots of love and support.
Hugs, MamaKit
I think it's all right there in your post. You are tired and not feeling well. We all seek comfort in that situation. He seems vulnerable, so the cruel manipulator is hidden right now. The thing is....people don't radically change quickly. I am guessing his failure to meet the divorce deadlines is because he wants to maintain control and suck you back in. If course he wants you back. I know there were good times.....but there was some REALLY AWFUL stuff too. Stay the course.
With regard to the settlement, as stated above, you are fair and reasonable. You are also entitled to your share.
I struggle with the worry about my STBAXH and the urge to take care of him. I wish i could just turn that off! It would be even harder if he were ill....mine also really has nobody. I know it must be hard.
You will weather these dreary days. Take good care of you. You are doing great.
Sending lots of love and support.
Hugs, MamaKit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Thanks, you guys. You all helped a lot. Off to bed, then to the doctor tomorrow morning. You're right, all I have to do right now is rest and get better. The rest can wait.
As the Quakers say "Way will open".
Thanks
ShootingStar1
As the Quakers say "Way will open".
Thanks
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
Any time when I feel sick, there is always a sense of wanting someone close to be there for me - even as strong and independent as I could be at that point. I think that you not feeling well may be playing with your emotions.
I just started Codependent No More, as recommended from this site, because I have recognized a pattern in myself of putting other people's needs ahead of mine in general (mostly in romantic relationships). I have been evolving in general, even though I literally just got that book today. I have learned are that you do NOT always have to be nice. In fact, take "nice" out of your vocabulary. Your ex disrespected you and caused you all kinds of problems when he was in a position to do so, and now that he needs help and you are finally walking away he wants to put the halo on? Its too little, too late. I don't want to sound cold, but you really do have to take care of yourself first...part of that being not to allow people who hurt you to be granted access to that part of you again. People can be REAL nice when they want something from you. You have to remember when their true colors came out.
Byron Katie said this and it has stuck with me ever since I heard it: If you want to meet the love of your life, look in the mirror.
Do whats best for you now. Stay strong.
I just started Codependent No More, as recommended from this site, because I have recognized a pattern in myself of putting other people's needs ahead of mine in general (mostly in romantic relationships). I have been evolving in general, even though I literally just got that book today. I have learned are that you do NOT always have to be nice. In fact, take "nice" out of your vocabulary. Your ex disrespected you and caused you all kinds of problems when he was in a position to do so, and now that he needs help and you are finally walking away he wants to put the halo on? Its too little, too late. I don't want to sound cold, but you really do have to take care of yourself first...part of that being not to allow people who hurt you to be granted access to that part of you again. People can be REAL nice when they want something from you. You have to remember when their true colors came out.
Byron Katie said this and it has stuck with me ever since I heard it: If you want to meet the love of your life, look in the mirror.
Do whats best for you now. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 168
I would stay the course and heed the advise of your attorney. I'm sure you hired an attorney with integrity and they want what's fair for you. Surround yourself with people you trust and trust their judgement during emotionally challenging times. Take care of youself and take one step at a time. You deserve peace and joy. HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hugs, ShootingStar! You are so strong, even if you aren't quite feeling it right now. I can't remember a time when my immune system was so low for so long except for the nine months after I left my AH. I am the type of person who always got sick the week after finals. Yup, during the holiday break. When you are running so long under stress and mostly just on fumes, by the time you stop to take a breather, your body just gives in.
I think I'm still not quite out of the woods yet, and it's now been over a year since I left. I was sick for nearly the entire month of January. I lost a lot of mental ground during that month. It is just plain impossible to think clearly when you're so tired and your brain is in the extra fog of illness.
So, just let yourself sleep. Snuggle with your puppy. Focus on getting yourself better, and let your X figure out how to do that for himself. He honestly doesn't deserve your help, AT ALL. But, first thing's first is to get yourself well-rested and back to normal. Then things will feel clearer again for sure.
Peace,
Fathom
I think I'm still not quite out of the woods yet, and it's now been over a year since I left. I was sick for nearly the entire month of January. I lost a lot of mental ground during that month. It is just plain impossible to think clearly when you're so tired and your brain is in the extra fog of illness.
So, just let yourself sleep. Snuggle with your puppy. Focus on getting yourself better, and let your X figure out how to do that for himself. He honestly doesn't deserve your help, AT ALL. But, first thing's first is to get yourself well-rested and back to normal. Then things will feel clearer again for sure.
Peace,
Fathom
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