Not so good "V" day
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Not so good "V" day
I am having issues with my fiance "normie", no flowers..yet, anyway, but since the wedding day is approaching I am having 2nd and 3rd thoughts about it, mostly financial, he makes more money but I have lots more assets.
I wonder if sometimes in recovery I think things to much and it is causing doubts in my head.
Then I think I need to love with my "head" this time and not my heart. He is wondering why he has to sell his home and move in with me and help me pay my mortgage ..well..his house has no equity mine does, the monthly payment is less than his. He said he wants to leave something for his kids, I said "you should" get the cabin you want and that will be your children inheritance.
He is not too sure he will be happy in my home, he has debt, I have none, I have savings, he has none, however; he does make more money that me.
Why should I share my assets with him..for his children? It took me 20 years to get where I am now...
I really going to have to think this one!!
I wonder if sometimes in recovery I think things to much and it is causing doubts in my head.
Then I think I need to love with my "head" this time and not my heart. He is wondering why he has to sell his home and move in with me and help me pay my mortgage ..well..his house has no equity mine does, the monthly payment is less than his. He said he wants to leave something for his kids, I said "you should" get the cabin you want and that will be your children inheritance.
He is not too sure he will be happy in my home, he has debt, I have none, I have savings, he has none, however; he does make more money that me.
Why should I share my assets with him..for his children? It took me 20 years to get where I am now...
I really going to have to think this one!!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Any chance to rent out his home to pay the mortgage on it? Or sell both and by a new "our" home? Prenup agreement?. In some states, when you marry the house becomes 1/2 theirs..have you researched that? I am all for marrying for life; it just hasn't worked out for me yet. Hugs. How long until the wedding day?
I'm no angel!
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Just curious...why do you need to marry him?
Me? I would never comingle funds/assets,married or not, never have, never will...period. He makes good money and has debts..there is a reason for this.
There are red flags waving in your face... please pay attention to them.
Time to sit back, think and eat some chocolate...here you go...a whole box of therapy!
Me? I would never comingle funds/assets,married or not, never have, never will...period. He makes good money and has debts..there is a reason for this.
There are red flags waving in your face... please pay attention to them.
Time to sit back, think and eat some chocolate...here you go...a whole box of therapy!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I don't think I'd care to marry under those circumstances without a pre-nup. Maybe you want to talk to a lawyer, just so you understand the potential consequences.
You are smart to be thinking about this now. Reflecting had a good idea, too--maybe buy a new house and have paperwork apportioning the ownership. Sometimes that's better than worrying about who has to give up his/her house.
You are smart to be thinking about this now. Reflecting had a good idea, too--maybe buy a new house and have paperwork apportioning the ownership. Sometimes that's better than worrying about who has to give up his/her house.
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I did tell him I will not marry him without a prenup, he agrees. He wants to sell his home so he can buy a cabin, I had a cabin with my ex I dont want a cabin but he can have one and that will be the inheritance for his children, however; his strugles is that he says paying for the mortgage on my home "ours" he will feel he is paying rent. My home is on a trust for my children, selling my home and buying another one will mean I put over 100K down on "our new home" he puts nothing because he doesn't have money so it will be the same.
I expected a "different" kind of Valentine with him, well it almost turned out to be like the old times but with no alcohol.
Why do people change??? well I guess I am changing, I want a man that puts me first, that wants to support me even if I have the money to support myself, I don't want to settle for something less that what I want....I won't.
So I guess It is up to him to tell me what he wants to do, and up to me if I want to accept it. Tonight I feel I am grieving......again!!
I expected a "different" kind of Valentine with him, well it almost turned out to be like the old times but with no alcohol.
Why do people change??? well I guess I am changing, I want a man that puts me first, that wants to support me even if I have the money to support myself, I don't want to settle for something less that what I want....I won't.
So I guess It is up to him to tell me what he wants to do, and up to me if I want to accept it. Tonight I feel I am grieving......again!!
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
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Originally Posted by ODAT63 
I am having issues with my fiance "normie", no flowers..yet, anyway, but since the wedding day is approaching I am having 2nd and 3rd thoughts about it, mostly financial, he makes more money but I have lots more assets.
I wonder if sometimes in recovery I think things to much and it is causing doubts in my head.
Then I think I need to love with my "head" this time and not my heart. He is wondering why he has to sell his home and move in with me and help me pay my mortgage ..well..his house has no equity mine does, the monthly payment is less than his. He said he wants to leave something for his kids, I said "you should" get the cabin you want and that will be your children inheritance.
He is not too sure he will be happy in my home, he has debt, I have none, I have savings, he has none, however; he does make more money that me.
Why should I share my assets with him..for his children? It took me 20 years to get where I am now...
I really going to have to think this one!!
I wonder if sometimes in recovery I think things to much and it is causing doubts in my head.
Then I think I need to love with my "head" this time and not my heart. He is wondering why he has to sell his home and move in with me and help me pay my mortgage ..well..his house has no equity mine does, the monthly payment is less than his. He said he wants to leave something for his kids, I said "you should" get the cabin you want and that will be your children inheritance.
He is not too sure he will be happy in my home, he has debt, I have none, I have savings, he has none, however; he does make more money that me.
Why should I share my assets with him..for his children? It took me 20 years to get where I am now...
I really going to have to think this one!!
Perhapse holding off on getting married. I know thats a big thing to do
But it seems like you have alot of concerns.
I dont think getting married while you have those concerns and or if his (?) Recovery is early. If it is early.
I think its 100% reasonable to be weary as an alcoholics wife.
Just my two xents but hope it works out.
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I would never suggest a prenup for a couple of young kids just starting out, but I think they're essential once you're older with children and assets. And different attitudes to money is a huge red flag. Are you sure you want to get married?
Sorry if that all sounds insensitive. It must be a difficult time for you.
Sorry if that all sounds insensitive. It must be a difficult time for you.
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I don't care on getting married but he does, I think the problem is in part mine, as I am crying and searching for the motives of my emotions, I realized that is because of my fantasy, I want a man that wanted to support me (even if I can support myself), you know the knight in shining armor? He wants to know why I am so upset, he agrees on a prenup and he went I talk to an attorney to see ways where I can always be financially protected.
he says he really loves me but as adults we do need to get this issue resolved. He told me last night that he wants to be part of my life and protect me but he is just human.
Why do I get into the bad habit of thinking how I want someone to be and then get so hurt when the illusion does not happenned!!
My son told me...mom welcome to reality!...it is no reality what hurts, I can handle reality, it is the disappointment of the illusion what hurts.
he says he really loves me but as adults we do need to get this issue resolved. He told me last night that he wants to be part of my life and protect me but he is just human.
Why do I get into the bad habit of thinking how I want someone to be and then get so hurt when the illusion does not happenned!!
My son told me...mom welcome to reality!...it is no reality what hurts, I can handle reality, it is the disappointment of the illusion what hurts.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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All I can say is that marriage requires a LOT of compromise. Have you considered doing some relationship counseling/therapy to clarify some of the expectations you both may be bringing to this so far as the money and property and other responsibilities go?
You have assets, he does not, yet he makes much more money than you. Presumably his income will contribute to a nice lifestyle for you both, yet you are desperate to preserve your "assets" at all costs. It seems to me a better deal for you than it is for him. I think the whole concept of amassing "stuff" (money, property, etc.) to pass on to our heirs is highly overrated. There's a bumper sticker that makes me smile every time I see it, "I'm Spending My Kids' Inheritance." I can understand your wanting anything left of your property to got to your kids rather than his, but geeze, that's if anything happens to be left after you've had a great life and built a secure future for yourself. I'd rather enjoy what I have worked hard for while I'm alive. My kids can support themselves. They will struggle at times, just as I did, with the ups and downs of the economy, but they are both capable of making their own livings.
In fact, when I was figuring out my pension options, rather than take a lower pension that would leave a largish benefit for my adult kids, I opted to spend a small amount for a 10-year life insurance policy that will provide for them if they need help while they are starting families, but not worry about providing for them beyond that point.
If I were you, I would work out what seems to be a fair tradeoff (assets versus income), have a pre-nup in place in the event things do not work out, and buy a nice house together. Property is only as good as the enjoyment you get from it, or the security it can provide for the future. I would re-think the value of your both guarding your assets for your kids (I'm assuming none of them are young children). Maybe a visit to a financial planner might help you work out some of the logistics?
You have assets, he does not, yet he makes much more money than you. Presumably his income will contribute to a nice lifestyle for you both, yet you are desperate to preserve your "assets" at all costs. It seems to me a better deal for you than it is for him. I think the whole concept of amassing "stuff" (money, property, etc.) to pass on to our heirs is highly overrated. There's a bumper sticker that makes me smile every time I see it, "I'm Spending My Kids' Inheritance." I can understand your wanting anything left of your property to got to your kids rather than his, but geeze, that's if anything happens to be left after you've had a great life and built a secure future for yourself. I'd rather enjoy what I have worked hard for while I'm alive. My kids can support themselves. They will struggle at times, just as I did, with the ups and downs of the economy, but they are both capable of making their own livings.
In fact, when I was figuring out my pension options, rather than take a lower pension that would leave a largish benefit for my adult kids, I opted to spend a small amount for a 10-year life insurance policy that will provide for them if they need help while they are starting families, but not worry about providing for them beyond that point.
If I were you, I would work out what seems to be a fair tradeoff (assets versus income), have a pre-nup in place in the event things do not work out, and buy a nice house together. Property is only as good as the enjoyment you get from it, or the security it can provide for the future. I would re-think the value of your both guarding your assets for your kids (I'm assuming none of them are young children). Maybe a visit to a financial planner might help you work out some of the logistics?
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Join Date: May 2005
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Lexie posted:
" It seems to me a better deal for you than it is for him."
I don't see it that way, I can make 200k per year and if I spend 250K I can drag the other person down...financially and emotionally. He has debt, there is a reason.
As for the prenup, it helps, but one call still be exposed to legalities when divorcing. And being a second marriage, buying a house in both names would be one of the last things I would do. Based on stats, somewhere between 60-65% of second marriages end in divorce. Untangling finances and assets is all that comes into play when one divorces. The who gets what dance.
Regarding the children, leaving an Inheritance is a personal decision, some believe in doing so, others do not.
Just my two cents. Do what is best for you.
" It seems to me a better deal for you than it is for him."
I don't see it that way, I can make 200k per year and if I spend 250K I can drag the other person down...financially and emotionally. He has debt, there is a reason.
As for the prenup, it helps, but one call still be exposed to legalities when divorcing. And being a second marriage, buying a house in both names would be one of the last things I would do. Based on stats, somewhere between 60-65% of second marriages end in divorce. Untangling finances and assets is all that comes into play when one divorces. The who gets what dance.
Regarding the children, leaving an Inheritance is a personal decision, some believe in doing so, others do not.
Just my two cents. Do what is best for you.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
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Originally Posted by dollydo
Lexie posted:
" It seems to me a better deal for you than it is for him."
I don't see it that way, I can make 200k per year and if I spend 250K I can drag the other person down...financially and emotionally. He has debt, there is a reason.
As for the prenup, it helps, but one call still be exposed to legalities when divorcing. And being a second marriage, buying a house in both names would be one of the last things I would do. Based on stats, somewhere between 60-65% of second marriages end in divorce. Untangling finances and assets is all that comes into play when one divorces. The who gets what dance.
Regarding the children, leaving an Inheritance is a personal decision, some believe in doing so, others do not.
Just my two cents. Do what is best for you.
" It seems to me a better deal for you than it is for him."
I don't see it that way, I can make 200k per year and if I spend 250K I can drag the other person down...financially and emotionally. He has debt, there is a reason.
As for the prenup, it helps, but one call still be exposed to legalities when divorcing. And being a second marriage, buying a house in both names would be one of the last things I would do. Based on stats, somewhere between 60-65% of second marriages end in divorce. Untangling finances and assets is all that comes into play when one divorces. The who gets what dance.
Regarding the children, leaving an Inheritance is a personal decision, some believe in doing so, others do not.
Just my two cents. Do what is best for you.
Yea I heard its about 50 % for all first marriages end in divorce
And it only increases after that with each marriage
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thislonelygirl the statistic are right, this is my 3rd. his 5th. Marriage is over rated. I rather not marry but his religious belief he feels he has to. He did go to an attorney who presented few good options, Lexie is right in regards to the inheritance
my children told me not to worry about them.
two alcoholic marriages and I am a mess? I know I am not ready but sometimes I feel I have a chance with a "normal guy" he is really nice to me.
I am feeling so depress lately that nothing matters, I just gotta keep trying..!!
my children told me not to worry about them.
two alcoholic marriages and I am a mess? I know I am not ready but sometimes I feel I have a chance with a "normal guy" he is really nice to me.
I am feeling so depress lately that nothing matters, I just gotta keep trying..!!
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I think that if the primary doubts are financial you should talk to a lawyer because those things can be worked around. It depends on where you live but in my state, which is a community property state, any debts or assets the couple aquires AFTER marriage are jointly owned/owed, but any debts or assets the couple acquires BEFORE marriage are their sole and separate property. So what I am saying is that your house stays yours, his debts stay his, etc., and it is only after you marry and start acquiring assets or debts that you must 'share' them under the law. Again this varies by location so you should look into what the law is where you are at. And no matter what the default law is you can always change it by agreeing differently contractually/ pre-nups or post-nups. Good luck.
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ODAT, I sure hope that you know what you are doing...his 5th? His religion must believe in divorce...unless all 4 of his previous wives died, if not, I'd say he has selective religion syndrom.
Why can't you be happy just dating him? You already know that you are not ready...why not put this marriage thing on the back burner? What's the rush?
Why can't you be happy just dating him? You already know that you are not ready...why not put this marriage thing on the back burner? What's the rush?
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we have been dating for 2.5 years, he is nice, it is my fears, I jump into conclusions and the committee in my head takes over, there is no set day yet, we are just thinking April or May. I have all my assets in a trust, he agrees to a pre nup, he wants to get marry, I don't, if I don't he might move on.
I still have time to decide, talk to an attorney and get my crap together, He has been single for ten years now and he feels this time he wants it to be forever. Me, I don't believe in fairy tales, I have a hard time believing things are going to work not because of him but because of me.....the he is too good for me syndrome...lol.
He says he just wants me to be happy, I don't know how to be happy?
I still have time to decide, talk to an attorney and get my crap together, He has been single for ten years now and he feels this time he wants it to be forever. Me, I don't believe in fairy tales, I have a hard time believing things are going to work not because of him but because of me.....the he is too good for me syndrome...lol.
He says he just wants me to be happy, I don't know how to be happy?
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"I don't know how to be happy?"
For a very long time, I didn't know how to attain happiness. I really believed that another in my life was my path to happiness, it wasn't. Therapy helped me sort it all out, I learned that
being happy and at peace was an inside job. I now live alone, yet am not lonely, I am happy and at peace.
My mother always had to have a man in her life and in her case, she always put the man before her children, for the better part of my adult life, I lived what I was exposed to as a child. I had a deep fear of abandonment, that fear made me make some real bad decisions when it came to men...until my last debacle I always stayed too long.
It is your life, make decisions that best suit your needs. I sincerely hope that this marriage will bring you the happiness you so desire!
For a very long time, I didn't know how to attain happiness. I really believed that another in my life was my path to happiness, it wasn't. Therapy helped me sort it all out, I learned that
being happy and at peace was an inside job. I now live alone, yet am not lonely, I am happy and at peace.
My mother always had to have a man in her life and in her case, she always put the man before her children, for the better part of my adult life, I lived what I was exposed to as a child. I had a deep fear of abandonment, that fear made me make some real bad decisions when it came to men...until my last debacle I always stayed too long.
It is your life, make decisions that best suit your needs. I sincerely hope that this marriage will bring you the happiness you so desire!
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he wants to get marry, I don't, if I don't he might move on.
well now isn't THAT romantic??
ODAT i just don't hear anything in what you've shared that this is something you really WANT to do, but somehow feel that you "should" - and even then i'm not sure of your motives?
you want a man who shows his affection in multiple ways, a man who can and will support you by being invested and financially secure. you have your home and your stuff that you have earned, your home is in trust for your children. and he says he doesn't know if he'll feel comfortable there? and anything he pays towards the mortgage will just rent?
i dunno...makes my spidey senses go on high alert. he's been thru....4 marriages? yet has NO assets? makes $$ but has no assets? says THIS time it's for life??? you said YOU don't even really WANT to get married.
why not just slow things way down....not make any BIG changes....and give yourself time to sort things out? take the marriage and the pre-nup and the who has what stuff OFF the table for now? what's the rush? give time time. more will be revealed!
by the way - regarding valentine's day....to date, 11 years later, we have never acknowledged that day. to date hank has never ONCE got me flowers. or a card. actually if he DID i'd be highly suspect...ok what did you do now??? LOL it just ain't about that with us...he told me straight up out the gate that he was not the gifts/cards/flowers kind of guy and if that is what i wanted, well best shop elsewhere. to his credit, he wasn't kidding!!
the gifts he gives me aren't things you can buy on your way home from work. earlier today i had thunked my knee into one of the kitchen cabinets (i bang into no less than 5 things on a daily basis) and i asked him if maybe he could just widen the damn hallways in this damn house??? he said maybe we should just get me a hockey uniform, complete with helmet. i said but then it would be this constant thunk thunk thunk when i ran into stuff.....and he started chuckling and said it already sounds like that! god we laughed....
we know each other. our faults, our foibles and all the weird and whacky things that make us US, our shortcomings and unique traits....and there is no one else we'd rather be with. i'm not saying we've cornered the market on relationship-ing ah but we do have fun. on a daily basis.
well now isn't THAT romantic??
ODAT i just don't hear anything in what you've shared that this is something you really WANT to do, but somehow feel that you "should" - and even then i'm not sure of your motives?
you want a man who shows his affection in multiple ways, a man who can and will support you by being invested and financially secure. you have your home and your stuff that you have earned, your home is in trust for your children. and he says he doesn't know if he'll feel comfortable there? and anything he pays towards the mortgage will just rent?
i dunno...makes my spidey senses go on high alert. he's been thru....4 marriages? yet has NO assets? makes $$ but has no assets? says THIS time it's for life??? you said YOU don't even really WANT to get married.
why not just slow things way down....not make any BIG changes....and give yourself time to sort things out? take the marriage and the pre-nup and the who has what stuff OFF the table for now? what's the rush? give time time. more will be revealed!
by the way - regarding valentine's day....to date, 11 years later, we have never acknowledged that day. to date hank has never ONCE got me flowers. or a card. actually if he DID i'd be highly suspect...ok what did you do now??? LOL it just ain't about that with us...he told me straight up out the gate that he was not the gifts/cards/flowers kind of guy and if that is what i wanted, well best shop elsewhere. to his credit, he wasn't kidding!!
the gifts he gives me aren't things you can buy on your way home from work. earlier today i had thunked my knee into one of the kitchen cabinets (i bang into no less than 5 things on a daily basis) and i asked him if maybe he could just widen the damn hallways in this damn house??? he said maybe we should just get me a hockey uniform, complete with helmet. i said but then it would be this constant thunk thunk thunk when i ran into stuff.....and he started chuckling and said it already sounds like that! god we laughed....
we know each other. our faults, our foibles and all the weird and whacky things that make us US, our shortcomings and unique traits....and there is no one else we'd rather be with. i'm not saying we've cornered the market on relationship-ing ah but we do have fun. on a daily basis.
I'm no angel!
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I might mention that when my husband died, I spent over 4 years battling his two children in court, they contested the will, the trust...everything. It cost me 10K in legal fees defending my position, and that was inexpensive, as I did much of the legal footwork myself and a cohort of mine represented me at a reduced rate. My home and car were safe, as they were in my name only. Investment properties and monies that we held jointly were part of their claim. Plus, his
IRA's and other investments that he left to me as beneficiary.
I can go into drawn out detail, however I won't. I will add that when I was at hospice with him, they broke into our home, stole his car, jewelry and our safe,which had a valuable stock certificate in it, his original will, which did provide for them and the grandchildren...but they
wanted more.
I realize that this is an extreme case, however, my point is, anything can be contested in court and when it comes to estate issues, many are...especially by children from a former marriage.
Not trying to scare you, just a heads up, been there, done that.
IRA's and other investments that he left to me as beneficiary.
I can go into drawn out detail, however I won't. I will add that when I was at hospice with him, they broke into our home, stole his car, jewelry and our safe,which had a valuable stock certificate in it, his original will, which did provide for them and the grandchildren...but they
wanted more.
I realize that this is an extreme case, however, my point is, anything can be contested in court and when it comes to estate issues, many are...especially by children from a former marriage.
Not trying to scare you, just a heads up, been there, done that.
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