Rosiepetal

Long story short - xabf is now 45 days sober & has been seeing me occasionally. I have given him support in his sobriety so far & we have built a new relationship although I continue to work my recovery. I guess he's not ex anymore & could be a rabf.
Anyway I sent him a red rose yesterday. I had absolutely no expectations but it was something I wanted to do.
He turned up after work & gave the rose back to me.
I was surprised to say the least.
He didn't want to take it home where his mother might see it. He lives with her & she is 85. (I know she would have no problem with this)
He also made a joke about hoping nobody saw him carrying the rose into my house.
We had a conversation & I acted cool but when he left I felt terrible.
Would like to know how others would feel if they received their valentines day gift back.
I felt insulted, like I was some kind of big secret to be kept under the carpet & didn't do much for my self esteem.
I let him know how it made it feel & then received a text this morning saying "everybody makes mistakes, get over it xx"
Is this dry drunk?
I think I deserve better than this.
I think I should have a big think over the weekend just what it is I want from a relationship because feeling like this is not in it.
The worst thing & some may laugh here is I can't destroy the rose because my children saw him give it to me & think he bought it for me & I didn't have the heart to tell them otherwise.
Am I overreacting to this situation?

Tuffgirl

Rosie, if your daughter came to you and described the same thing, what would you tell her? Would you think she was over reacting by reevaluating this "relationship"?

Rosiepetal

I would tell her she deserves better, not to let a man treat her like that & give her a big hug.

Tuffgirl

Yes! So tell yourself the same thing and give yourself a big hug, too. You deserve better; someone who appreciates your gestures of love and kindness.

P.S. What a jerk!!

ReflectingOnMe

So you lied to the kids to keep them from knowing he hurt you? Why? It seems as though you are still protecting him from the consequences of his actions. Also him giving your gift back (imo) is a red flag..he could have thrown it out without telling you..but instead he rejected it to your face..then when you confide in him that it hurt you... he tells you to "get over it"...that isnt a response from someone who cares about you. Rosie...look at it as an outsider...you have been on a slippery slope since you began "helping him". I saw it then and I see it now. Reading this I realize how judgemental I sound..but it terrifies me to see how easily we step right back into our old roles. Scares me that one kind word from him has the potential to turn me back into his puppet.

dollydo

Dry drunk, I'd say no. Azzhat, I'd say yes. He could have just tossed the rose and leave it
at that.

Not telling your children the truth about what actually happened is IMO creating a false front, you are protecting him...I have to wonder why you would do that?

You deserve so much better, why settle for so little?

Recovering2

When you have an alcoholic jerk who gets sober....sometimes you now have a sober jerk. He didn't have to make a big deal of returning the rose, there was a clear attempt to hurt you.
He did you a favor, he's showing you who he is when sober. Believe him.

SparkleKitty

Rosie I know you say you had "absolutely no expectations" by giving him the rose in the first place, but I am wondering...I know you hurt and I don't want to sound harsh. I just have to wonder if the reason his response upset you as much as it did is because you really did have expectations for what your gift would mean to him.

That being said, IMO, the only people worth giving the time of day to are the ones who are proud to know you, and the ones who try to hide it or deny it are just, as many have said already, a$$hat$.

Hugs to you, Rosie.

marie1960

Rosie , Honey, My dear Rosie........

This is nothing more than a twisted ploy to reel you in...........

Alkie or not, he is a PLAYER, and quite frankly he is reducing you to a groveling level, he wants you to believe he walks on water........

i am sorry honey, but his actions are that of a self absorbed idiot....

all I got, EFF HIM...... and his childish games

Tamerua

I was going to say this. Work on you! A happy person attracts other happy people,

ninja07

I think the others are right. This guy did this to make you feel bad, he is a jerk. Cut him off and take care of yourself!

outonalimb

Great words of wisdom before me.

All I can say is TAKE YOUR POWER BACK Rosie!!
Don't put your heart in the hands of an azzhat.
Save it. Keep it to yourself, protect it, cherish it and someday, when you're ready and all healed up, give it to someone who will appreciate it and give his to you in return. That's what I'm gonna do.

Hugs...
You deserve sooo much more...but only you can insist upon it.

Mary

Rosiepetal

I didn't expect anything except maybe that he'd keep the rose, even just for the day.

I too thought "why didn't he just throw it out & not tell me"

I haven't responded to his text this morning & I don't think I will respond to anything until I have a big think about it. My gut is telling me to block him from my phone & email NOW.

He has told me how much I mean to him & how he appreciates my support & how proud he is of how well I am doing in my life now but then the rose symbolised him throwing it back in my face.

Wow, didn't see it coming.

LexieCat

I don't get it. Even in the world of wacky alcoholic behavior I don't get it.

If he didn't want the rose, for whatever reason, why not just throw it away? What was the point of bringing it back to you? So his MOM didn't see it?

Sounds to me as if he's saying he doesn't want anything from you. That's one wish you can grant.

dollydo

Rosie....Actions, Actions...not words...what did his action tell you?

SparkleKitty

His words and his actions don't add up. People can say anything they like; it's what they do that really tells you who they are.

Rosiepetal

Dollydo,That he is a jerk.

marie1960

Rosie, I do not mean to sound harsh, so please do not take it that way........

You simply bought him a flower, a simple "thank you" would suffice. The end.
If he did not want it he could have just thrown it away and be done. It's not like you bought him a new car......

Sounds like his drama is worthy of an academy award.

Anyway, happy Valentine's Day, friend!

bless5

[QUOTE]My gut is telling me to block him from my phone & email NOW.[QUOTE]

LISTEN to your instincts... THE FIRST TIME!

LoveMeNow

I am sorry you were hurt again. But I have to ask, when did we start questioning if unacceptable behavior was acceptable?? When did it become OK?? I have put up with things, that as a teenager I would never have tolerated!!

It is not OK with what he did, it is unacceptable. Now its up to you, me and many of us here to decide whether or not we will accept it and make it our "norm." We deserve so much better. At the very least, it is better to be alone then in bad company. We have a God given right to be happy and be treated with respect.