ninja07

I have broken up with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to but he is an alcoholic and he assaulted me the other night. He was drunk and we argued and I should have walked away but I didn’t. I dumped out his beer. I have cuts and bruises; he spent the night in jail. Right now, I am living in his house and he is in a hotel. I hate alcohol; it brings out the stupid, the angry, the hate and fear in people. And not just in the drinker, in the enabler as well – that’s me. This was not the first alcohol fueled fight, there were many and this was not the first time that he hit me. I stayed because he was great when he was sober… raise your hand if you’ve heard that before. I stayed because I am just as addicted to him as he is to his booze. I need to be free of the fear, self-loathing and anxiety that the alcohol brings into my life. In my head, I keep thinking that he’ll get better. I keep that thought in the rawest part of my heart so I can push it and pick at it like a fingernail that’s falling off but is still attached by a thick band of red, sticky flesh. I imagine it all so clearly; he gets clean, goes through a lot of soul searching and therapy and is free of his demons. Yeah, then we live the dreams that we made together while he was sober. PLEASE HELP WITH THIS QUESTION:
He told me that I should stay here in his house and he will get an apartment. It would be easier for him. Otherwise I need to move, sign a year lease and pay 1000 month rent. It feels like a trap. What should I do?

SparkleKitty

A new place affords you a fresh start with no strings to him. As painful as that sounds, it could be a decisive and empowering move in a healthier direction. Both of you need space to recover. It is much harder when you remain enmeshed with each other through things and places.

I wish you great strength and courage and hope you can find some peace.

Tuffgirl

Go with this feeling - its your intuition telling you something. Listen this time.

Prayers,
~T

bless5

Definately move! New perspective and new beginning for you.

bless5

Yes, and what Tuffgirl said! Wise words.

Recovering2

As difficult as it might be in the short term for you to move, it's the right thing to do. As others have already said, if you stay in his place, you remain enmeshed in a bad situation. Staying where you are might save you $$, but it will continue to cost in terms of your health and sanity.

dollydo

You are putty in his hand if you stay in his house. He is in control, what if he decides to toss you out in a week, then what?

ReflectingOnMe

My local domestic violence shelter will assist with down payment on a rental as long as you sign document stating that you wont allow him to move in or stay with you...just an option. Addicted to the A me too...but as much as I worshipped the ground he walked upon; I walked out and never looked back. I changed my #, deleted all my social media accounts, moved 45 min away to reduce accidental run ins and removed him from my life. Some days I am strong and other days I am a wheepy mess...but I no longer walk on eggshells. He never physically abused me but was emotionally and mentally abusive. I no longer have to gage his mood, entertain him, drive him, or tolerate him. Completely freeing.

LexieCat

Agree on the move out and Reflecting's great suggestion about calling the shelter.

Another possibility is to call the prosecutor's office Victim Advocate. Often there are funds available to victims of crime who must relocate for their safety. They can assist with any applications necessary or suggest other resources.

I've worked many years in the DV field, and your safety is paramount. Please take care of yourself. The Advocate can also help you with general safety planning. I assume you have a restraining order at this point? I urge you to follow through with that and keep it in place.

Once you are in a permanent place of safety (because that is the number one priority), I hope you will get to some Al-Anon meetings. They can help a LOT in terms of recovering from the craziness you have been dealing with.

ninja07

You guys are right. I need to sign the lease and try to put my life back together. I just never thought I would have to go through this. We were supposed to grow old together. I just keep thinking about that model, Reeva Steenkamp. I don't want to end up like that.

ninja07

I am involved with the Victim Advocate group and they are helping me. I feel so LUCKY because I have a job and can take care of myself... it is the wanting to be free that is the hard part. I never thought that I would be in an abusive relationship. Even though it has happened a few times in the past I never thought of it like that until I had the police here taking pictures of my bruises and cuts. What was the worst was recounting the last time to the police and not believing what I went through and that I could forget or forgive so easily.

dollydo

Physical abuse, like alcoholism, if left untreated, will get worse. Alcohol may fuel the fire, however, physical abuse is a character fault unto its own. There are physical abusers who are not addicted, then there are addicts who do not physically abuse others.

Put your safety first, move out and on with your life. Don't end up becoming a statistic.

redatlanta

Yes move along. Memories and control are in that house. You might come home one day and there he sits back in it.

NYCDoglvr

Both alcoholism and codependency have a great deal of denial and rationalization. The fact is alcoholism is a progressive disease and he will get worse. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will keep him from drinking. I hope you leave quickly and also start work in Alanon.

ninja07

I signed the lease today. I am so afraid that I'm making a mistake but at least its a mistake I haven't tried yet. Thank you all so much!

LexieCat

You are NOT making a mistake--trust me. You are carving out some safety and security.

When you first posted you talked about the offer of staying in his home as a potential "trap." It was.

By signing the lease you are assured of having a safe home of your own. That's something you can't put a price on.

dollydo

You are not making a mistake, you are doing the right thing, protecting yourself.