Pataphor

So -
I posted in newcomers because this is a new problem for me. My best Girlfriend drinks. When I don't (it was occasional that I would abstain) she seems uncomfortable, she says with words that she is supportive of my decision not to drink and has said "you seem happier" but I get this feeling.
1. Like she is afraid I am judging her and her drinking (okay maybe a little but I never say anything.)
2. She calls me ahead of events to see if I'm drinking "because where we are going doesn't have white wine", so she wants to go somewhere else first, and do I want to meet her.
3. Shes just kinda different around me now (43 days, yippee)? even when we do things like breakfast or movies.
My question is, is there anything I can say to put her at ease...I feel like if I bring it up she will feel worse - but its like an elephant in the room?
anyone ?

Coldfusion

Pataphor, I am not sure how close you want to be with your friend.

If someone has a problem with not drinking, then by definition that person has a drinking problem. I would not want to be around this person without confessing that I have made such a judgment, especially in early recovery.

Pataphor

Do you mean confess my concern for her? Or that I should just think about how healthy the relationship is for me?

Pataphor

Maybe this was inappropriate to post....because I am asking for advice I guess.
Not sure.

bigsombrero

For my close friends that I wished to retain after my committment to sobriety, I told them straight up I am not drinking. When a couple of guys wanted to meet me at a bar last week after work for a quick chat, I declined. When they all get together this St. Patrick's Day to meet up for a party, I declined the invite. When they go out to drink, I decline....you get the picture.

Just say "I'm no longer drinking" and that's that. Sometimes you have to be firm and just say "I'm sorry I just am not drinking anymore, so any discussion about me drinking again is not gonna happen". Would that really offend her? Maybe....but probably not. And if it does, so what? This is your LIFE we are talking about, it's not the time to walk on egg-shells and worry about feelings. Good luck!

Coldfusion

I was suggesting you confess your concerns for her, because--for me--alcoholism affects (if not controls) the health of my relationship.

(My wife and I both quit 106 days ago).

Pataphor

ColdFusion! that is fantastic - I look forward to having triple digit numbers...I will consider your well formed thoughts.

I might be having newbie-itus, thinking I can go to see a band where there is drinking and I will be okay with soda water and Lime while my friends might imbibe, like being the designated driver? Maybe this is wishful drinking, I mean thinking!

Hanna

Consider bringing it up. Over breakfast or some other non-drinking type of activity.
I don't mean sharing your concern about her, you are not likely to get far with that today and your focus must be your own recovery.
But tell her that her friendship is important to you. That you know this is a big change and that you know it is going to mean changing the way you socialize with her. Tell her again why you stopped drinking - your fears and how you came to know this was the only choice for you.
Ask her if she has any questions for you. Tell her you don't want her to feel awkward so you hope to just keep lines of communication open with her. And any ideas about things you can do together that don't center around drinking, shopping, sports, etc.

I have a dear friend that decided to make a major lifestyle change. We realized that our primary focus had been eating, and usually eating at places that served unhealthy Shore fare. Hot Dogs, Onion Rings, Cheeseburgers, Fries. Stuff she just couldn't eat anymore. I never struggled like she did, though. It was a transition for us. We had to find new ways to spend time together. But we did, because we care about one another and it was important to us.

If it isn't something your friend is willing or able to navigate, time will tell. And if that is the case the time will come when you have a perfect opening for telling her of your concerns or simply to ask "Do you ever have concerns about your drinking?"

Coldfusion

See, you're slurring your words just thinking about it!

I will visit friends who are not alcoholic, but I go in the afternoon well before their happy hour. We isolated in our drinking, and are getting out more (to AA & NA meetings) now that we're sober. But it will be a while, or maybe never, before I will subject myself to that drinking scene.

YouRmySunshine

Pataphor, I like you are new to this but am facing something similar with a family member.
I am anxious to hear what others that have more experience have to say.
Thanks for the post!

Pataphor

Thanks Hanna -
That really helps me, I think we can move through this, just in the clumsy stage maybe. But I think you are right, have the conversation about it over eggs...maybe I can be clearer about why, for me. She's a very kind person and I know would want to be able to make it work, I guess you showed me where the problem is...her drinking and if it makes it to hard for her to hang with me. That would be so sad, ack that would make me want to drink...but so do any real feelings!
thanks again

FreeFall

I'm going through this with a best friend too, and she is actively abusing alcohol and it's affecting her health (that was actually my kick in the butt to stop). It was harder the first two months. Now, I'm at almost 7 and it's fairly normal at this point. We have talked about drinking occasionally, and she has been supportive. It is awkward, because that was a big "interest" we shared, and we're both broke so its hard to find cheap replacement activities. It can be worked out though, so hang in there!

ScottFromWI

In my limited experience with sobriety, I've found that honesty is the best thing. If she's uncomfortable with you not drinking, there's nothing you can do or say that will change that - save actually drinking, which is not an option for obvious reasons. Congrats on 43 days, that's a great accomplishment.

Jeni26

Hi Pataphor.

In my experience my relationship with my alcoholic best friend has undergone some radical changes. I must admit, I had to bow out of meeting up with her for about 6 months or so if it involved alcohol of any sort. I knew I just wasn't strong enough in myself to have continued going out for the same sorts of evenings as before.
Once I felt secure in my own sobriety, I did talk to her about it. Not with any judgement about her own drinking (which is excessive), but just from my own perspective. I could tell she was torn between being proud of me and sad that she had lost her drinking buddy. I understood because I felt exactly the same way. Our relationship had changed forever.
But, I'm now 8 months sober, and I honestly feel our friendship is as strong as ever. It's just different. I don't go out on drunken evenings, but I pop round for coffee after work, we text each other every few days, we still share stuff.
She and I still care and support each other, we just don't drink together. The same bond but minus the blackouts, hospital visits, and hangovers! X

bigsombrero

Pataphor, I am 7 months + 2 weeks sober. In regards to your "can I drink water while they drink beer" thing:

In my experience, there are two outcomes:

1. You go, drink water, and get bored or annoyed real quick. Watching people drink while abstaining is not fun if you have a problem. Also, in the back of your mind you know it's not healthy for you and you feel down on yourself. Finally, the annoying banter of drunks is very tiresome, I've found, and music seems REALLY loud. Overall it's not really a good time.

2. You go, drink water for a while, then switch to old habits and drink. Now you're drinking again, and we know what that leads to.

Both options aren't good, in my experience. In my 7+ months I've learned that this is not a small change - abstaining from alcohol and admitting you have a problem will totally change your social life, more or less forever. It's scary, but you have to just put those days in the rear view mirror right now. It's not good to entertain the "what ifs" or "somedays" any more than it is to pine over an old lost love. You gotta let that go. It was really hard for me to admit and recognize that, and now my life is full of new challenges. I haven't found the perfect answer yet - but I do know that leading that kind of social life will never happen again for me. Sorry....

Good luck!

Pataphor

bigsombrero -

Oh my god...I felt that thing in my gut while I read your post...thats me...oh my god... . Thank You.

Its exactly the other issue that i haven't spent much time with. oh boy, I think this is going to be the hardest part. I could go cry in my pillow and punch it out - but thats not going to help, and I am an ugly crier!

Really all of you have set me straight in a lot of ways, I hate seeing my denial of some issues around my alcoholism. I am feeling so much better, stronger, smarter more compassionate for others. I need not endanger my sprout-ling of sobriety. I have a lump in my throat, Im going to have to do some grieving.

I love you my SR community!

I will have a rough nite tonight...but all your words will buoy me through an hour or so. I will report tomorrow, if nothing else for me to see where I stand.

Hanna

It's a tough issue for anyone. Our culture is so focused on alcohol and the glorification of it.
You might want to also share with her your thoughts on being around alcohol, your triggers, how you feel about food cooked in alcohol, etc. too. These can be big concerns for your loved ones and talking about it openly will help them understand a bit and relax.

Bigndfan175

um, seems to me that there's a lot of assuming going on here; unless I misinterpreted your statement: but I get this feeling.

so I think asking her straight out and accepting whatever answer she gives you is a healthy course of action. you may not have the right "feeling"

then again you may have read the situation correctly - you won't know til you ask.

Good luck she sounds like a caring friend who is finding her way with a new sober you. :-)

EternalQ

Everyone I know family and friends, drink. Except one friend I work with who is in Recovery. Their reactions have run the gamut from abstaining on my behalf to avoiding me to making plans earlier in the day for breakfast or a matinee when drinking would not come up.

And of course in the beginning for many months I projected all sorts of my own crap all over them.

All I can say, Pat, is it is early. People don't know if you're sticking with this and so they don't know if they need to support you or examine themselves or what. We know there are many other ways for friends to bond besides alcohol. But they are a beat behind us, adjusting to what we have done.

Now that I'm further along it is much easier for me to let people have their reactions and know I am secure. Over time makes this our relationship secure.

One friend who drinks a lot everynight at a bar, tries to meet me for a walk at lunchtime, or go to lunch or matinee. He is not ready to stop. But we don't want the friendship to end. It is too important.

Give it time, Pat. This is a big adjustment for others. For some you are refusing to engage in the activity that helps them bond. I've seen that with my brother. He is disappointed he can't treat me to a bottle of wine at a restaurant or some top shelf vodka in his home. But we are learning other ways.

Pataphor

I appreciate all that's been said. I think some things ring so true what's that saying "assume, makes a..."also my reactions emotions and feelings probably are still up and down this way and that. I will focus on me for now and try not to jump to conclusions. Time will tell, best to take it slow and steady.