bigsombrero

Quick background: I attended treatment in Minneapolis last July 2012, then lived in Costa Rica for four more months before returning to Chicago in December. I am 7 months and 14 days sober in total.

I moved here to Chicago 11 years ago, and over the years I have created many memories. I've met wonderful people here. I had a nice run as a business leader on Michigan ave and had a good career. The architecture, scenery and atmosphere here is really unmatched in most American cities (outside of NYC I can't think of anywhere in the states like it). All in all it's been good to me.

But I'm not happy here anymore. I live in the same apartment, alone, the same place I almost killed myself while using in isolation. I no longer have the same job, I quit voluntarily while using, threw it all away. My ex-gf who was a big part of my life still lives nearby and I feel very negative at the chance of seeing her. My old friends have moved on to different phases of life. The chilly weather means that going outdoors for long periods of time is not possible. I can't even move to a new APT here because my credit is so bad that no new landlord would accept me. I have a lease that lasts until August....but I feel like I want OUT. NOW.

I have made some amends since I've been back. Met up with old friends to reconnect. Faced some demons. Gone to a couple AA meetings. Seeing an addiction councilor. Yet here I sit, in my same apartment, alone, with no real desire to do anything "new" here. Everything I'll do here is something I've already done before. And I don't feel like I'm enjoying it.

Are these feelings of depression normal? I mean, I'm assuming they are. But right now I am leaning towards starting anew somewhere else. I know AA thumpers say that going on a "geographical" is not good, however the reasoning for that can be analyzed ad nauseum. Is it right for me to want to start over elsewhere? Should I? At this point I have just enough money to make it work, but I'd have to put together a plan sooner rather than later. I'd need a job elsewhere, a way to make ends meet. But I don't want much - I don't want a large house or a garage or a nice car - I want to live a simple, happy life.

To make matters more complicated, I'm quite certain that my family wants me to stay put here in the central USA. They are so excited to have me around and I know they want me here.

So if I stay, I feel like I'll continue to be depressed. If I leave, I'll have to go overboard soothing the fears and doubts of my family and friends. I feel like I am really stuck here. And I feel RUSHED to figure out a solution. Can anyone relate?

Coldfusion

Bigs--

First of all, thanks for the background info in your thoughtful post.

So let me give you a bit of my background--I am impulsive, and my advice on these things usually gets shot down here at SR. Also, I have never lived in a big city.

And so without analyzing ad nauseum, I'll just say go for the move!

JaneMcAllen

I understand your desire to leave and start fresh somewhere else where you don't know anyone and can have a "do-over" (and where it's warmer). You seem to be feeling isolated and alone. However, you mentioned you have family in your area that want you where you are. If you moved, you would still be alone without the benefit of family nearby. It's easy to feel alone when you are struggling with addiction. I would hope you give yourself some time and serious thought and planning before deciding to move. We pack our problems to take with us along with everything else. If you decide to stay where you are, please get out more and meet more people. If you don't want to attend AA meetings, maybe you could volunteer your time somewhere. Please don't sit home alone. There are people out there who care about you.

Fandy

Spring is coming in 34 days. Do what you can to repair your credit, don't make it WORSE.

You cannot change your apartment, but you can paint it and re-arrange your space.

Be practical new Big Sombrero...draft a GOOD resume or CV, search out the demographics of where you might want to live, apply for your new career and jobs and scope out each place. One thing at a time, take some short trips to get out of your head.

i think you may feel depressed due to valentines day today...but this will pass. I think that jumping into something new with no solid foundation might be too risky right now. But the good thing is that you can change your mind in a month. or 2.

congrats on your time and your ability to see what makes you happy.

bigsombrero

Thanks guys. I guess part of it is that I'm not really doing anything here. I think to myself - "well, I'm not doing anything HERE, so why not change venues so that I'll actually be interested in doing things ELSEWHERE?" -- when I'm exploring new places and speaking other languages, it gives me daily challenges and the desire to DO STUFF, where as here even walking 2 blocks to go to an AA meeting just seems like a boring waste of time. Why waste my time here when I could waste it somewhere else, where I could at least enjoy a freakin' BIKE RIDE or something that would have me out of the house.

I am gaining weight, feeling depressed, and cold. When I was in Costa Rica I had a small job that got me by day-to-day, a little bike and a jungle, forest, mountains and trees to play with in my free time. I lost weight, didn't drink, and found beauty every day just being with nature. That said, I was "alone" there too - but it was much better being alone there than here. Why should I work through my sobriety here when I can work through it elsewhere?

SophieB

Bigsom...I'm going with what Fandy said. Sounds like sound advice to me. And yes SPRING is coming in 34 days Yipee! I'm in Colorado and it is cold and windy here today

Maybe try and get out for awhile today even if its nasty out. Just maybe go get a cup of coffee. We like Starbucks blonde roast round here

bigsombrero

I go out for coffee every day at various cafes here in Wicker Park neighborhood, at various joints. I also have been out on the weekends in the cold taking photos of some cool scenery. I guess I just can't shake the "blahs" right now and am dying to do something with my life. I've been back in Chicago for 2+ months now and I just don't have patience right now. I feel unhappy.

Thanks for that advice though - I also give it a lot when answering people here on SR! "Get out of the dam house!" lol.

bigsombrero

My problem is that the "end goal" here for all of us is to be safe, happy, functional human beings. That doesn't sound too exciting.

I don't want to drink, but I want to live life on my terms. I know this comes off as "humblebragging" but I have lived in El Salvador and Honduras, and come across a weapons arsenal there that could take down a small country. I went to Siberia before the collapse of the Soviet Union and had to fend off kids who were asking me for blue jeans and bubble gum. I lived in Florida in a trailer park, next door to some Czech immigrants that had to hijack a plane in the 80's to get out of the country. I witnessed someone being shot 4 times in an attempted murder in Chicago. I went to Indonesia by myself with nothing more than a camera and a change of shorts. I have been on a canoe by myself in a lake that had 30,000 alligators in it. This stuff is crazy to some people, but it's INTERESTING to me. None of these things were done while I was drunk, it's just part of seeing the world.

Yes, I will live the rest of my life sober. But here on SR it seems more often than not, living a happy sober life = a middle-of-the-road job so I can pay my rent and life and get a dog and buy a Honda Accord and it sounds DEPRESSING AS HELL.

Sorry for the overposting, just getting through it and I should be fine after my walk!

ACT10Npack

You could always go out more to keep your self busy.

bemyself

Hi BigS - I always enjoy reading your posts. I can relate a lot to what you say about feeling depressed, BORED, etc.

Just a suggestion: you sound like the kind of person who ain't afraid to get 'out there' into what many people would consider risky situations. I wonder if you could just sit for now with the whole practicality part of staying where you are, BUT get some of that stimulation by, for example: volunteering at something like a young offenders centre (or anything like that) down in Chicago's 'mean streets' districts.

(I'm in Aus, but I'm guessing that Chicago still has its famous mean streets, somewhere? :-))

bigsombrero

Thanks bemyself - you are definitely right. With 500 murders per year, Chicago is the murder capital of the USA. President Obama is visiting here tomorrow to talk about gun issues etc, the city is the center of a national epidemic. No shortage of mean streets, in fact I live on one of them

Thanks for the advice, that's definitely something for me to chew on. I appreciate the post.

2granddaughters

My first year of sobriety I was nuts. They say don't make any important decisions in your first year and it's good advice.

My AA sponsor and the oldtimers along with regular meetings got me through the fog and on the road to recovery. I would have screwed up so many times without them.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

CharlieNoogan

I can relate. I also live and was born/raised in the upper midwest and there's something about 7 months of winter that just starts to get you down. Regardless, I feel more at home here than the other parts of the country where I've lived and I think that is due to the proximity of family.

I wish I had your zeal for adventurism though. I've found that when I start feeling like you do, I plan a trip somewhere. I like to get the hell out of here for brief periods to break things up but when I am at those destinations I realize I have no desire to live there permanently.

I agree with what others have said that your problems will follow you no matter where you go. I imagine that you would eventually get as sick of the humid rainforests of Costa Rica as you are of the windy city at times. True happiness seems to be quite elusive for us alcoholics, even in recovery. The question is really yours to answer, but is your physical location the key to all of your problems?