TPMSUP

Hello,

Just thought I would post as I am newcomber to this site. I am struggling with acceptance of addiction. I have been diagnosised with PTSD, panic disorder, severe depression, bi-polar II, I have been told I have borderline traits..and the list goes on.

I had an active script for xanax for over 20years, along with anti-depressants. About 6 years I was very ill and close to death due to becoming septic after surgery, I was on heavy pain killer for about 4 months when I had to undergo 4 corrective surgeries. Once I no longer needed pain pills I could not sleep naturally. I started on ambien and loved it. I went through a lot of life changes including a 1200 mile from home a huge cut in pay, and a subsequent divorce. I started to abuse the ambien and xanax as I just wanted to escape the stress of it all. Within about 5 months I was up to 10mg a day of xanax and 40mg of ambien and I checked myself into detox approx 2 years ago. The detox was cold turkey, they took everything even my anti depressants. I was given something for siezures. I had not used either medication again until this last week. I had a death in the family, traveled home, my family all take xanax and I helped myself to some. Over the past 8 days I have taken about 5mgs about 1mg on 5 different nights to sleep.

My dr has given me a script for .5mg of valium and only gives me 5 at a time just in case I need it for panic.

I am scared that I used xanax again and really starting to question why I take stuff to numb myself into sleep. I either take valium or the generic sleep now, when I take the sleep now stuff I take 8 of them otherwise they dont work.

Not sure what I plan to do at this point, I never want to go through benzo detox again, I am tired of being labeled and just want to be normal.

Thanks for allowing me to share

Coldfusion

Thank you, T.

What I have learned by going to AA and NA meetings is that our problems don't go away if we stop using--we just need to deal with our challenges head-on instead of hiding with drugs. This is a continuing process, which is why people who have been sober for many years keep going to meetings and working with a sponsor.

I have watched people succeed in withdrawal by posting often here at SR. If you won't go to meetings, why not give that a try?

Dee74

Hi TPMSUP - welcome

I'm sure it's as clear to you as it is to me than what you're doing isn't very viable as along term strategy.

I'd really encourage you to think about a plan - whether it's to see your Dr and explain your situation fully, or try some kind of recovery group or recovery method, or somnething else.