how does this happen?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 33
how does this happen?
How does it happen that now I am in a support group? I have never been an addictive person, and now, because I made some bad choices, (who I married and had kids with), now I am in recovery. Surely to those of you who have been through this, and may be at peace with your process, this sounds like something a newbie would say, but its still new to me and it keeps striking me as crazy. I am leaning hard on all of you, I need to talk this out. I have to pick up AH from rehab today and take him home so he can pack and get to his sober living home, on Valentines Day, and I am feeling un-easy.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I know what you are saying. Totally understand, but you don't have to call it recovery. For me, it's about a path that I am on. We all have to grow and change and learn, if we didn't we'd become stagnant and discontent with our lives. I feel that 'recovery' is an opportunity for me to learn about ME. To refocus on myself and find out what I want, what I gave up when I married my AH, and where I want to be in 5 years, etc. I gave up so much but didn't realize it. I lost myself in him but it was a slow process. It wasn't like one day I snapped my fingers and I was codependent and needing recovery. It was a pattern of behavior that settled in over the years.
There's a book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerman?? Not sure about her name, but it's very helpful to read it to understand how our patterns of interacting in relationships become what they are.
Oh, and I'm not at peace with my process. I liked it better when I had my head in the sand of denial. Yet, I realize this is a growing process and it's necessary for me to move forward and to work on acceptance of 'what is'. Just do the next right thing today when it comes to your husband. One minute at a time and you will get through this day, and all that follow. Sending you some cyber hugs!
There's a book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerman?? Not sure about her name, but it's very helpful to read it to understand how our patterns of interacting in relationships become what they are.
Oh, and I'm not at peace with my process. I liked it better when I had my head in the sand of denial. Yet, I realize this is a growing process and it's necessary for me to move forward and to work on acceptance of 'what is'. Just do the next right thing today when it comes to your husband. One minute at a time and you will get through this day, and all that follow. Sending you some cyber hugs!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I gave up a lot when I got married and tumbled down the addiction hole with my AH. This is the path I'm on to get myself back and figure out what I need and how to provide that for myself. "Recovery" to me is shorthand for "I want more than this and I'm going to get it." 
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I look at is as I am recovery. What I am recovering is myself.
I was totally lost in my relationship, when I look back at the internal conversations in my head I didn't even think of myself as I or me, it was always us or Sue and Mike. My own interests, wants and needs were pushed down and back so that my focus could be us.
So as my wife fell down the rabbit hole of booze and pills I willingly went with her, not in the sense of me drinking or taking pills but in the sense we had a problem. And since she couldn't fix it, it was obviously my job.
Through recovery I have regained a sense of self, learned how to use detachment and make boundaries to protect myself. I have learned that it is alright to take care of me, meet my own needs and be happy. I have learned that I have choices and it is ok for me to choose what is right for me, not us.
These skills have lead to such a great improvement in the quality of my life. I am enough just as I am and I don't have to change to meet someone else's expectations.
As I said in another post, marriage vows are not a mutual suicide pact.
Your friend,
I was totally lost in my relationship, when I look back at the internal conversations in my head I didn't even think of myself as I or me, it was always us or Sue and Mike. My own interests, wants and needs were pushed down and back so that my focus could be us.
So as my wife fell down the rabbit hole of booze and pills I willingly went with her, not in the sense of me drinking or taking pills but in the sense we had a problem. And since she couldn't fix it, it was obviously my job.
Through recovery I have regained a sense of self, learned how to use detachment and make boundaries to protect myself. I have learned that it is alright to take care of me, meet my own needs and be happy. I have learned that I have choices and it is ok for me to choose what is right for me, not us.
These skills have lead to such a great improvement in the quality of my life. I am enough just as I am and I don't have to change to meet someone else's expectations.
As I said in another post, marriage vows are not a mutual suicide pact.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I don't know anything about alcoholism that isn't crazy. When I started accepting that, it became less crazy-making.
It took me a long time to forgive myself for getting in this mess to begin with, i.e. I am smart and I should have connected the dots early on. But now, I am grateful I had this experience because of what I have learned along the way. I know it may sound trite, but there will come a time when you look back and think something similar.
Peace,
~T
It took me a long time to forgive myself for getting in this mess to begin with, i.e. I am smart and I should have connected the dots early on. But now, I am grateful I had this experience because of what I have learned along the way. I know it may sound trite, but there will come a time when you look back and think something similar.
Peace,
~T
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
You are definitely not alone in beating yourself up - I am the master at that! I still have issues with it in regards to my kids who got to take this ride right along with me. Took me a long time to forgive myself, and I know its not 100% yet. But I've made a lot of progress over the past few years.
I like what Mike says about what recovery means to him. What it means to me is coming to terms with my faults and baggage, accepting who I am and what I need, and knowing I make mistakes, as does everyone else. Finding forgiveness for others and myself. Being willing to be alone rather than accept less than what I want. And to come completely full circle here, being proud for putting myself out there even though it broke my heart and damn near broke my spirit. Ok, so I didn't get it right this time. There will be a next time, that I am certain of, so next time I will be an even better version of myself!
I like what Mike says about what recovery means to him. What it means to me is coming to terms with my faults and baggage, accepting who I am and what I need, and knowing I make mistakes, as does everyone else. Finding forgiveness for others and myself. Being willing to be alone rather than accept less than what I want. And to come completely full circle here, being proud for putting myself out there even though it broke my heart and damn near broke my spirit. Ok, so I didn't get it right this time. There will be a next time, that I am certain of, so next time I will be an even better version of myself!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I felt the exact same way - "What did I do to deserve this??!!"
I was pretty irritated about it at the time, especially since I already felt like I'd been doing more than the lion's share of work in our relationship anyway. After all the hard work & the out of control roller-coaster ride of addiction, then the similar but different strokes of supporting him during his sobriety..... NOW I need to start the work of my own recovery? Well pardon me if I was too tired to care at the moment.
I can tell you that now, a year & a half-ish later, I'm so glad that I did. My therapy/recovery went so far beyond just dealing with RAH & the issues between us & I found out all kinds of things about myself that I would still be oblivious to otherwise. Now, I can't imagine myself without all the growth I've experienced. Hang in there, you're entitled to feel this way but I'm sure it is a feeling that will pass in time.
I was pretty irritated about it at the time, especially since I already felt like I'd been doing more than the lion's share of work in our relationship anyway. After all the hard work & the out of control roller-coaster ride of addiction, then the similar but different strokes of supporting him during his sobriety..... NOW I need to start the work of my own recovery? Well pardon me if I was too tired to care at the moment.
I can tell you that now, a year & a half-ish later, I'm so glad that I did. My therapy/recovery went so far beyond just dealing with RAH & the issues between us & I found out all kinds of things about myself that I would still be oblivious to otherwise. Now, I can't imagine myself without all the growth I've experienced. Hang in there, you're entitled to feel this way but I'm sure it is a feeling that will pass in time.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
It's been almost 3 years since I had the same thoughts and feelings you express in your post patmamma.
What alanon did for me was something I couldn't do for me at the time - give support and compassion to myself.
To me there are no good or bad choices, there are just choices and they are made for whatever reasons there are at the time.I didn't make a bad choice to marry my AH.
Making a choice to go to a support group to help me find clarity, find myself again and grow was right for me.
How I am going to live the rest of my life are choices I want to make with clarity, compassion and calm. Alanon and lots of other recovery pursuits (reading, meditation, counseling) has helped me get to this point.
I am sorry for your pain, especially on this special day of love. May you find comfort in giving and receiving love in whatever form it takes today.
Blessings to you on your journey.
Sue
What alanon did for me was something I couldn't do for me at the time - give support and compassion to myself.
To me there are no good or bad choices, there are just choices and they are made for whatever reasons there are at the time.I didn't make a bad choice to marry my AH.
Making a choice to go to a support group to help me find clarity, find myself again and grow was right for me.
How I am going to live the rest of my life are choices I want to make with clarity, compassion and calm. Alanon and lots of other recovery pursuits (reading, meditation, counseling) has helped me get to this point.
I am sorry for your pain, especially on this special day of love. May you find comfort in giving and receiving love in whatever form it takes today.
Blessings to you on your journey.
Sue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 33
You know, I love that you mentioned you found all of the things about yourself that you would still be oblivious to. I am eager to make changes, and it starts with me, I am going to take responsibility for that. I feel like this experience is like a door that has always been there and I have been too blind to see it. It might just be the key to me being a full person.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl 
I like what Mike says about what recovery means to him. What it means to me is coming to terms with my faults and baggage, accepting who I am and what I need, and knowing I make mistakes, as does everyone else. Finding forgiveness for others and myself. Being willing to be alone rather than accept less than what I want. And to come completely full circle here, being proud for putting myself out there even though it broke my heart and damn near broke my spirit.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Goes for me to, I have uncovered my flaws and shortcomings and am coming to terms with a lot of the way I create my own unhappiness. It took me a long time to understand what codependency really is and how I was mired in it. I am truly grateful for my enlightenment and my ability to step back from my codie tendencies and feel a sense of peace within. This is where my recovery has taken me.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by patmamma
You know, I love that you mentioned you found all of the things about yourself that you would still be oblivious to. I am eager to make changes, and it starts with me, I am going to take responsibility for that. I feel like this experience is like a door that has always been there and I have been too blind to see it. It might just be the key to me being a full person.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 76
You know, for a long time I was angry when people suggested I needed recovery - I wasn't the alcoholic. I wasn't even enabling him (though now I do see ways I enabled, even if it wasn't the more obvious "call his work" "get him out of trouble" ways).
However, along the way I've learned a lot - better communication skills, understanding my own emotions and that it's ok to feel them, the importance of honesty and the difference between saying things to be honest and saying them to manipulate - things that while I didn't have a parent with an addiction, and I do have an addict spouse, that were learned from growing up as a child with a parent who suffered a traumatic event/disability when I was a very young child (who probably should have had therapy but those were the days before anyone probably thought of how that dynamic would affect a family/child)...so I learned a lot of horrible coping mechanisms myself that did me a great disservice in dealing with my spouse that needed to be unlearned so healthier mechanisms could be learned.
However, along the way I've learned a lot - better communication skills, understanding my own emotions and that it's ok to feel them, the importance of honesty and the difference between saying things to be honest and saying them to manipulate - things that while I didn't have a parent with an addiction, and I do have an addict spouse, that were learned from growing up as a child with a parent who suffered a traumatic event/disability when I was a very young child (who probably should have had therapy but those were the days before anyone probably thought of how that dynamic would affect a family/child)...so I learned a lot of horrible coping mechanisms myself that did me a great disservice in dealing with my spouse that needed to be unlearned so healthier mechanisms could be learned.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
For me "recovery" means working towards a happier me & making healthier choices for myself. I wonder therefore whether I'll always be in recovery because life is a journey & there is always more to learn for the better.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
It took me a long time to really figure out just how effected I was by the disease of alcoholism. I wasn't the one drinking but I was physically, emotionally and spiritually effected by it. I guess that's why they say alcoholism is a 'family disease'. It doesn't just effect the one drinking...it effects everyone who loves them.
For me, recovery means figuring out just how I was affected and working to heal myself as best as I can. It's honestly like peeling an onion. There are so many layers of healing for me to focus on. Recovery for me means doing the best I can to work a solid al anon program which includes alot of prayer and meditation to heal my spirit. Getting caught up with missed doctors appointments and screenings, working out regularly, and doing yoga is helping me to heal physically. I suffer from alot of anxiety and maybe even PTSD. I'm going to start counseling soon to address these issues as well. Honestly, it feels like a full-time job sometimes!! But I feel ssssoooooooo much better than I did before. All the work is worth it.
And here I thought all my problem would be solved if my exah just quit drinking! Ha! Good one!!:rotfxko
For me, recovery means figuring out just how I was affected and working to heal myself as best as I can. It's honestly like peeling an onion. There are so many layers of healing for me to focus on. Recovery for me means doing the best I can to work a solid al anon program which includes alot of prayer and meditation to heal my spirit. Getting caught up with missed doctors appointments and screenings, working out regularly, and doing yoga is helping me to heal physically. I suffer from alot of anxiety and maybe even PTSD. I'm going to start counseling soon to address these issues as well. Honestly, it feels like a full-time job sometimes!! But I feel ssssoooooooo much better than I did before. All the work is worth it.
And here I thought all my problem would be solved if my exah just quit drinking! Ha! Good one!!:rotfxko
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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I have found as time passes that my recovery is from so much more than living and loving and alcoholic.
For me it was why I picked my sign on name....I am recovering from life.
Most of the time that helps me to feel good about this journey I am on.
I don't always like the lessons, but I do get so much out of the learning.
I for one am glad I decided to take this journey....and I am glad you decided to join in too.
For me it was why I picked my sign on name....I am recovering from life.
Most of the time that helps me to feel good about this journey I am on.
I don't always like the lessons, but I do get so much out of the learning.
I for one am glad I decided to take this journey....and I am glad you decided to join in too.
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